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Fiance's family... (long, but I need help)


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When my (now) fiance and I first got together, his family was very against it. There are 8 years between us, and the relationship is long distance. For the first several months, when he and I would talk on the phone, I could hear his mom in the background saying terrible things about me. They would argue often while he and I were trying to talk.

 

I spent three weeks with him last summer. One day he and I went driving in the country side. We got lost, and the only person he could think to call for directions was his grandma. She freaked out when she found out he was with me, warning him about how I was a runaway looking for a free ride. Obviously, she was making it up as she went. We blew it off, and later that day when we got back to his house, a message was waiting on his mom's answering machine from grandma.

 

A week later I finally met the rest of his family (I'd only met his mom and his brother until then). When I met them, they were all very nice. Even his grandma. She hugged me, and the first thing she asked was whether or not my parents knew where I was. Which was ludicrous anyway, seeing as I was 19 and legally an adult, so it didn't matter if my parents knew, even though they DID know and we'd told her that all along. But once again, I reassured her. And from that point on she spent the day socializing with me, praising my good nature and saying all kinds of nice things about me. She even made a point of telling me to never hesitate to visit her before we left the party.

 

Now it's almost a year later and we're engaged. We were nervous about his family's reaction, but his mom was very supportive from the start. So we thought things would be fine. Then he tells me that he's worried about talking to his grandma about it. Apparently she's been back to accusing me of being a leeching runaway again recently. That upset me quite a bit... I felt like all the things she said to me at that party were a lie. Now I don't know who to trust. His mom hasn't criticized me lately, but she's been getting into it with Aaron over our wedding plans.

 

The rest of his family has been great from the start and I really love them. But his mom and grandma have been a huge influence in his life. They are the people that we REALLY want on board with this. And because of the fact that we're choosing to live out there near his family, far, FAR away from the love and support that I've always known in my family... I'm very worried about being thrown into the middle of this brand new city without anyone familiar. I'm afraid that his family will turn on me, and that will add a lot of stress to our brand new marriage.

 

I don't know what to feel or think. I keep hoping he'll change his mind and agree to live here instead. But I don't think that will happen. I'm just really scared to be stuck out there surrounded by people that I will always be afraid hate me.

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What is wrong with his Grandma? What makes her think like that? I mean would she think like that about any girlfriend or is it just you?

 

Look at the end of the day if you get married she will accept you. If she has nothing better to do than go around behind your back sniping at you then I don't really see why it is important to you (or him) to have her approval.

 

Just because they are grandmas does not necessarily make them nice people.

 

If I was your fiance I'd be having harsh words words with dear sweet old Gran. And if he doesn't, get a new fiance. Why would anyone let such behaviour go on? I mean what is she an 8 year old?

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No, she is someone who is concerned about the happiness of her grandson.

 

Get her on your side and you'll be much better off. Let this become a war and there will be endless unhappiness. Once she sees you two are good for each other then she'll probably be fine. And regret what she is saying now.

 

Take the high road and see where it leads.

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I completely understand where she is coming from. I know that she loves him and she does not want him to get hurt. On top of that, she has a son who is very much like Aaron who has had a lot of relationship trouble. In her mind, Aaron is susceptible (sp?) to the same problems. Also, because of his disability, both mom and grandma see him as incapable of making his own decisions or making good judgement calls. Which, obviously, they are wrong about. But they can't seem to get past treating him like a child sometimes.

 

As much as I understand her point of view, the real problem here is not how she feels about me, but more the fact that she says one thing one day and I think she's on my side, then all of a sudden- for NO REASON- I'm the enemy again. I just want to know, once and for all, where I stand with her. If she hates me, fine! I can cope with that! But I can't do this dance the rest of my life. She needs to choose.

 

And Aaron has had some words with her. It doesn't help. LOL! So we're just leaving her alone until she gets a grip. And as much as her irrational opinions of me shouldn't matter, family IS important to both of us, and I want his family to like me. I mean, when we go to family functions and his family is there, SHE will be there too. I don't want to feel like the person who tore his family apart. I know it won't be my fault if she doesn't, but I still want to do everything I can to help them like and trust me.

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Maybe part of the reason she is like this is because she doesn't really know you. I mean, you did spend that time with his family when you went there, but it wasn't much time and that was awhile ago. I don't think she hates you, I think she's just looking out for his grandson.

 

His grandma and his mom are obviously just looking out for him, which you know. Like any mother would, they are both only wanting the best for him. Obviously you are the best for him, you know this and he knows this. However, its a little more difficult for his mom and grandma to see when they don't personally know you too well.

 

I don't mean to take their side, if thats what you think. I don't see how anyone in their right mind couldn't like you. You do so much for everyone here at this site and you seem like a really nice and caring person. I just think that they are over protecting him and want the best, but don't know yet what to really think of you. All they really know is that you are a girl that he met, who seems to be nice.

 

I guess really just try seeing it from their view point. I can understand why they might feel like they don't really know you enough, but they should still accept you because you are the one their son loves and wants to marry. I mean, its ashame that they have to be so judgemental, but thats just how some people are. The main thing is that your fiance loves you for you and once they get to know you better, they will too.

 

You said that his grandma and mom were being nice to you when you were there? I'm sure that if you do move out there, they will get to know you so much better and see you for the sweet and caring person you really are.

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Thanks. That is really very encouraging. And I hope you're right. I hope that once they get to know me they'll stop all this. I would feel more confident if it wasn't for the fact that even Aaron is scared of them sometimes. When I met them, the man wouldn't express an opinion if his LIFE depended on it because he was so used to having them shoot him down and criticize him! He's been with them his whole life and they treat him like this. What am I to expect?

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From what you have said, I wouldn't take what they say or think personally. It seems like they can be very criticizing people, so you are right, what else can you expect from them?

 

You said that they have been criticizing your fiance his whole life, so unfortantly now that you are a part of his life, you will probably get criticized too. It won't be because they hate you. I mean, they for sure don't hate your fiance. It seems like they have just gotten used to making every decision for him, so once he starts making his decisions more and more instead of letting them do it, they will get used to that. It really seems like the way they are acting about you really has nothing to do with you. They are just used to criticizing him.

 

By the way, I'm very happy for you. It seems like you have found someone special who you love a lot!

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You know, I never really considered that their criticisms of me may not really be about me at all. I keep thinking that they just don't think I'm good enough for him. But thinking about it, I think you're right. I think they don't trust him to make decisions for himself, so they are worried that by getting involved with me he might be making a bad decision. I think you're right. I don't think this is about me at all. I think this is about their relationship with him.

 

Thank you so, SO much for bringing that to my attention! That'll help a lot!

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I'm glad I could help!

 

Hopefully you are feeling a little better about it all! I know that once they do get to know you, they will see you as an amazing person and they will feel lucky to have you as part of the family. Also, once they see that, maybe they will be more open to trust your fiance to make his own decisions a little more.

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But then on that note, what if I totally disappoint them? I mean, I'm going to do my best to prove myself, but I'm not gonna try to be someone I'm not. If I do disappoint them, it'll really mess things up for Aaron and I. More than anything, I just want to keep the stress on our marriage to a minimum... At least for the first year.

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Well obviously you should be yourself. There's no reason to go out of your way to make someone like you.

 

I think that if your fiance loves you, then his family will have a hard time not loving you too.

 

I think that its pretty clear that how they feel is really not about you though. What is there not to like about you? Of course you aren't going to be mean to them, so why wouldn't they like you. I mean, you also did say they were nice to you when you went there to visit, so I think its safe to say they won't hate you.

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