Why being shy and unattractive sucks!

So I'm eating lunch today and I see this incredibly gorgeous guy. I was thinking to myself, "What if I looked like him and I was still shy? How many dates would I have had in my life? How many chances would I have to come out of my shell?"

I think sometimes that Cupid is Lucifer's offspring. I mean I'm shy and ugly. What am I to do? I'm beaten into a corner and my defenses are down! Not a single date in my life. But if I was a Stud Muffin, I would've had more chances. Oh but wait, I have a great personality. I make women laugh. Women think I'm sweet and charming. I light up a room. I've heard all of this for years, but how many dates has that gotten me? Zero.

A friend of mine had lunch with me one day and brought a male coworker of hers to join us, yet another Adonis. Again, I asked myself, "What if I had this guy's looks with my shyness? What chances would I have with women?" Sure enough my question was answered. My friend told me that when she introduced him to the ladies at work (it's mostly women who work there) they were going out of their way to meet him, to talk to him, to get to know him. She also mentioned that he was shy. Great, the dagger is already in my liver, just twist it why don't ya? But what if he had my looks? Betcha he wouldn't even get a single girl to give a darn about him initially. His personality would win them over and he'll be a great friend. Boyfriend Material: No. Sideshow Monkey: Indeed.

I have no idea why I'm shy, I was shy before I realized I was an ogre (sorry to diss Ogres.) But when I realized that I wasn't hot, my self esteem went down the toilet and my shyness increased tenfold. When I was in first grade, I had a few girls who liked me because I was funny and stuff. But somewhere down the line, when I got older and I noticed the word "handsome" came into play, my sense of humor was as useless as a midget in a Big-N-Tall clothing store.

I wonder why I was made ugly & shy. I wish I was more outgoing and had more confidence. I try and try and try to approach women but I just can't. I get too nervous and jittery around women. And if there is a good looking guy around, I know I have no shot. Good looking shy guys who get girls to approach them, whether they want the attention or not, have no idea what it feels like to have the Double Whammy! It's like being alone in a cold dark room and there is no door for people to get in or for you to get out.

I know part of being shy means not wanting attention brought to yourself. I feel that way, but if a girl gives me attention, how can I pass up that feeling of high self esteem. I wish I knew how it felt to feel good about your looks. Good looking shy guys get the chicks. Someone like me doesn't.

I give up!!

I still waiting for the "you will meet someone", the "you need to get over your shyness speech", the "just approach them" (no matter how may times you get rejected, you must keep going back for more!!!) etc., etc.... from the ladies

Welcome to the club man. Oh well hey at least more $$$ we have to spend on ourselves (if you're fortuntae enough to have a decent paying job like mine).

I still waiting for the "you will meet someone", the "you need to get over your shyness speech", the "just approach them" (no matter how may times you get rejected, you must keep going back for more!!!) etc., etc.... from the ladies

Well, I don't mind that, I do use that as hope for the future. It somewhat calms me down. I need to hang on to something after all. But if you like a girl and they tell you that... it stings. It really stings! It's like they're pushing you away.

Hey man, I know how you feel. I'm pretty much in the exact same situation as you. People usually just tell me that I'm still young and there's plenty of time for that, which never helps because it doesn't seem like my situation will be changing anytime soon.

And if only goodlooking people could get dates more than half of the world would be dateless

It is my observation that only about 5% of people between the ages of 18 and 40 are truly "ugly". Most people have at least one redeeming physical feature - it is the rare specimens like me that do not.

I've tried, but upon approach I literally shake. I try calming myself down before I walk up to them, but introducing myself to a female that I don't know is absolutely frightening. I just to have to keep on trying, but it's a steep mountain to climb.

And I tried to go to a social anxiety meeting, but everyone was so shy, no one showed up.

And if you just want a fling and are trully ugly cant you just date someone on the same level of attractiveness as you?

Unattractive women are in high demand because they are seen as being "sure things". They can be just as picky about men as attractive women are.

We truly, literally, have nowhere to turn.

Thats funny about how noone turns up! Maybe just go to a one-on-one session then? I know for social anxiety you can take pills its not a solution but it helps a bit so you are not as anxious when near people so then you can then talk to them more easily.

I was actually kidding about that, but how many people would really show up to a social anxiety meeting? It's like having an Alcoholics Anonomous meeting in a bar. I would never take pills. And I may eventually rely on them, and that's not good.

It is a cruel world what can I say. But I think you can still be happy single.

Not at my age. I wouldn't mind being a bachelor if I could go on some dates, but I just want a meaningful relationship with a special woman and I fear that my looks don't give me a chance to experience that.

I went to a social-phobia meeting once.

Know who turned up?

A whole bunch of unemployed forty-year-old white male virgins, that's who.

These were not attractive men either.

I think shyness and unattractiveness are bound up somehow. Maybe ugly people are at greater risk for becoming shy.

That was my first and last such meeting. I found it depressing as hell.

I'm told that I'm pretty hot...and I claim (and can probably back it up pretty well) to be the shyest person ever. Just something fawked up in my brain I guess, just always been this way.

All i Know is that you can only change if you want to change, sometimes Ill make up any excuse so I wont have to change, even though you feel like your life is miserable it can be a comforting misrey. Thats why I say the only way to do it is force yourself and suffer while trying to change intead of suffering through your own hell for the rest of your life.

Makes sense.

To the 'original' post..b/c this seems to have gotten off topic somewhat...

It doesn't matter what you look like, shyness...in its own will take control. I am still fighting it b/c I should already be over it. I always had it in my head that girls didn't like me b/c I didn't drive a nice car, or have a lot of money...etc....that's so totally wrong.

I have been told countless times by girls that I am hot, I work out, I'm not huge, but I have build, and then to top it off...I got a nicer car finally when I started college this fall. But guess what....no dates so far....I'm busy, but shyness is still in control. I have a car that a few girls have been in, and like one pretty much wanted me to be her b/f just b/c I gave her a ride...its NOT that NICE...lol....but yea....its still not what I wanted. In the end, it all comes down to you...yourself....how you define who you are....not by what you own...or what you look like.... It is so hard to go back on everything you always believed too....b/c that is what I always thought would work. I guess that's part of life tho, trial and error....I'm tryin out new things tho....we'll see how it goes....no longer the nice guy that sits back and watches....Ill be the one in control my life....not the shyness....

Hey man not meaning to break out the cliches on ya but it isnt always how ya look. I mean i aint anywhere near an adonis but if u seem happy with yaself then you end up radiating confidence to the ladies which is what can attract them. As for the shy adonis' getting attention it may just be a strictly physical attraction that dissolves shortly aftyer they realise what he is like.

Obviously ugly people are more likely to be shy so I do agree w/the looks-shyness ratio.

If you're attractive then your more likely not to get made fun of and will be accepted by more people thereforeeee making you more confident.

On the other hand if you're not attractive then you may get picked on more, not accepted as much by others and after a while self-doubt will sink in making you more shy b/c you're fearful of what others will have to say about you. Makes a whole lot of sense.

Wow, well I've read everything and I almost don't know what to say.

It's unfortunate and true that we do live in a superficial world today...looks are important to a lot of ppl. But, I don't think it's so much about the looks as it is about the way you carry and present yourself. Nobody wants to look at a slob who looks like they just walked out of a dumpster, who's breath stinks, hair is all greesy...that's what I consider a NASTY UGLY PERSON. EWW. But even if you aren't the best looking individual, as long as you have "something" which can range from a lot of things such as: a charm, humorous personality, carry's themself with confidence, and you need to overcome the shyness so you can find your strength. Besides who would want to date someone who considers themself ugly? I mean.. come on...I would never date someone who thought they were ugly..........

and remember the worst critic is youself...maybe others don't look at you the way you do. But, as soon as they sense that vibe that you have pity in yourself because you consider yourself ugly. You will NOT GET A DATE!

So get over it people! If this hasn't helped and you still feel like your looks are affecting your dating status...then do something about it. Girl's can wear makeup, get plastic surgery ( I don't think there's anything wrong with it if it makes ppl feel better about themselves), if you are overweight lose weight, if you are underweight gain a few. etc, ect, ect.

Ah, nothing like tough love. You made perfect sense.

I try and try and try to walk with confidence, but when I pass a mirror, reality kicks me in the nads. I don't walk around with an negative attitude. I have a pleasant smile on my face and stuff like that. But here's my uphill battle: I see a nice suit in the window and I think I will look good in it. As soon as I put it on, the suit looks ugly, and my looks remain the same. Some call it Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I know I obsess with looks way too much, but lately I've seen the rules of attraction and it's mostly physical attraction. What kills me is that my mom is beautiful, she looks 20-30 years younger than her age and she was a model. My father is a very handsome man, even resembles a famous singer. Both of them tell me I'm handsome, but I don't want to hear that from mom & dad. I want to hear it from a female. How two beautiful people could make someone like me, I'll never know.

I want to see a pic, because from the way you talk, I'd swear you were the hunchback of notre dame.

Like others have said...its not so much about trying to mimc confidence, but about actually realising that you DO have good qualities. You have to be happy with yourself, before anyone will be attracted to you.

Yeah Kyoshiro post a pic of yourself. I really don't think you look all that bad.

I used to think I looked ugly when I was around 16. I really did. But I realized that I actually looked fairly decent later on. Frequently I get girls calling me cute or handsome, etc. nowdays and I think that really has to do with the fact that I actually think I look pretty good. Because when your mindset changes, you actually...well...look better! You carry yourself better and you smile more.

What makes you think you can't break out of shyness? And why do you keep comparing yourself to other guys? They probably don't have the personality and other qualities you have so do you really think their relationships will last? That other poster is right. If you don't have a good personality then it's not going to last long. Period. And it works both ways. I dated a girl once who just seemed to have no personality but was attractive. I couldn't see myself ever being with her. She had no substance! You know? That's what you need Kyoshiro. You obviously got some substance so get rid of the shyness (and don't make excuses, start now) and show your substance. Shyness isn't destroyed overnight but you need to take baby steps in doing this. Start with saying hi to random people when walking around and work from there, etc. If you need more details on this let me know.

I doubt you are as "ugly" as you say. Hardly anyone really looks that bad. Besides, everyone is attractive to someone.

I think that your shyness bothers you, but not enough to want you to change yourself. See, you're just sitting around complaining with out doing anything. Maybe you'll start taking risks when you realize you really want to.

I agree with whoever said that when you feel attractive, you actually ARE more attractive. That's called confidence. Even if you feel ugly, you have to find some attribute in yourself that you are confident about. I think you seem very intelligent, charismatic, and probably well spoken. Or maybe you have the potential. You have something to offer just like everyone else, and it doesn't have to be your looks. Most people who look good are stupid anyways. lol. So find that thing you like about yourself, and hold your head up high because you know that other people wish they could be like you.

Kyoshiro,

I totally understand what you are feeling. I too am hopelessly shy and I am ugly. I used to wish that I looked as hot as Tony Leung, but I realised that I have to accept who I am.

Hello Kyoshiro . Ugly is a strong word. You probably aren't actually ugly. You've probably just been forced to think it. In school people called me ugly because they didn't like me, because I wasn't one of the 'cool kids' (ie I wasn't a giant horses ass) and thereforeeee must be geeky and ugly. It took a long long time for me to feel that I wasn't ugly. I feel that I will never feel attractive, and if someone calls me ugly now, even as a joke, it cuts deep. Typically when I'm out, if girls don't look at me, or smile at me, if they blank me and give me cold looks, I take that as then saying 'I think you're ugly'. Unfortunately blank and cold looks are all I ever get!! I take it very personally. Am I right to do so? Well right or wrong doesn't come into it. It's who I am. I'm waiting. I've been waiting for 26 years for someone to find me attractive, and I'll keep on waiting. What else is there to do? In the meantime I think I'll just try to enjoy life, to be happy and to enjoy friendships I make. Yes, I'm lonely, just like you are. I think we have to realise that everyone has their own problems, and that it's just what we have to deal with.

I'd really like to see some pictures of you though, let's not be shy, we're all friends here. We'd all give you an honest opinion. This is what I look like...

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We are what we are. We must live with that for the simple reason that we have no choice! If we are unattractive then so be it, and to Hell with what people think.

Don't you guys see? It's really not all about looks. Over and over again people are trying to tell you that it's because of other things like your attitude or the way you carry yourself that you aren't attracting women.

Yeah bro, being shy and unattractive sucks.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and change it. IF you have questions, PM me.

I just met a guy who finally lost his virginity at 39.

Living proof that it's never too late I guess.