UPDATE:Is it too much to expect a phone call every day?

Well, I went through a rough patch with my boyfriend a couple of months ago, where we went from being a couple who couldn`t get enough of each other to barely seeing each other ( largely because of his job)

Up until a few weeks ago things were 10 times better, back to the good old days, but have recently started to slip.

We agreed that we would try and talk every day but it has now been 3 days since I have spoken to him and nearly a week since I last saw him.

On the first day he didn`t phone I tried to call him a couple of times but the phone rang out. The next day I was excpecting some sort of acknowledgement of my attempt to contact him but got nothing- not even a text message.

On the 2nd evening I tried to phone him again but found his phone switched off so he had evidently got my missed calls. I sent him a text saying how upset I was that he couldn`t even be bothered to text me back and that he was slipping into his old habits again.

I was fully expecting some sort of phone call from him but instead I got one text message from him today saying that he was `in a meeting`.

I`m sorry but I will not be taken for an idiot. He was effectively saying that he spent 36 hours being so busy at the office that he didn`t have 5 seconds to send a reply to my text.

It`s now been 72 hours since we last spoke and in that time he has made no attempt to return my calls save for one miserable text that didn`t even contain an apology.

I feel really frustrated right now especially as I have had some other issues with my boyfriend. We have talked about this problem many times, his taking me for granted and not returning my calls or messages for hours/days and he is slipping back into those habits.

Why is he doing this? Why des he feel like he can just go for days without a phone call depsite all our talks?

I feel like playing him at his own game and not answering his calls if he does phone back but I miss him and love him and so couldn`t do that..

I really need some friendly advice..

I hate to say this, but he is probably doing it because he is dating someone else too. I mean not even Bill Gates is that busy. I'd break up with him and find someone who is willing to devote some time to you, at least to make a phone call anyways.

It does seem inconsiderate.

Before you go off at him, though, just be sure that he isn't reacting to too much pressure from you. Few people like to feel coerced into doing something. He should be calling you because he wants to not because he is on some sort of "once a day call" rule. He may feel you are trying to impose these rules on him and that you are too controlling and demanding.

If none of that is true and he is just inconsiderate of your feelings - reevaluate the relationship. Things have to work for both of you, if they don't maybe you should get out now.

But don't play retaliation games - that will just make things worse.

Good luck.

I don`t think he can be dating someone else- I mean we have been together two years and he tells me he loves me every day ( at least the days I see him/talk to him)

I know he had a meeting thing to go to at work last night and also that he had to go to a different city today for a meeting. I`m pretty sure this is a work thing- part of the job is attending out of hours functions/events but I just feel like there is no balance between work/girlfriend.

Unless I am being totally naive and he is cheating. But I`m sure he`s not.

Sorry girl - I'm going to have to agree with the other posts. There's only one man in the US who is busy enough not to call, and that's George W. Bush. However, I have a feeling that he never says, "Laura, Sorry I didn't call you for 3 days - I was busy." Bill Gates too. I'm sure he gives Melinda a call, even when he is making multi-billion dollar deals. So, unless your bf is Tony Blair....

Sure, he may think of you, he may like you, but if he doesn't physically pick up the phone and dial your number, how much are you really on his mind?!?! Ok, so, I say this allll the time. There's a book you should read, "He's just not that into you." You say that you guys are having other problems, he may just be trying to distance himself from you to break off the relationship.

I went through something similar a few months ago. My bf's phone calls started getting less and less frequent, and shorter. The breakup followed soon after.

Now, it's obvious that you're not getting your emotional needs met from this relationship. No, a phone call every day is not too much to ask for. You shouldn't even have to ask. It should happen naturally. So, I think you should find someone who will meet your emotional needs. Good luck!

I don`t want to break up with him- I love this guy with all my heart and I don`t want to lose him.

We went through this before a couple of months ago and we ended up having a long talk about it with both of us crying. He told me that he didn`t want to lose me and would make the effort to phone me and meet up more.

From then onwards things were great it is just recently that things have started slipping again.

Actually, I forgot to say he doesn`t always not call because of work. A lot of the time he says the battery on his phone ran out and he often leaves his charger in the office.

I really need some constructive advive on how to bring this up with him without ending up shouting at him. I don`t want a repeat of a couple of months back

p.s thanks for the advice so far guys-has all been helpful

Talk is overrated as a means of resolving disputes. He knows he should call because you talked about it before, and obviously that didnt do any good.

Unless hes dead or in the hospital, he has no excuse for not calling, period, and I know he isnt working 24 hours a day without lunch breaks.

I couldnt tell you what to say because I wouldnt date someone who acted like that.

Well, since you've already talked to him about it before, I would just start becoming a little more distant myself. Don't be so near the phone! Don't let him think that you sit around all day waiting for his call. Get busy, do stuff, go out with friends to dinner and turn the phone off! If he starts trying harder to get a hold of you, great! If he doesn't, then let him go.

I don't know... I just think after 2 years of being together, talking on the phone everyday would happen easily. Like I said, even when you are on a business trip, there are phone in hotel rooms, even when his cell phone battery is dead....

It doesn't matter if you have had talks. Of course talks are important, but not if it doesn't change anything. You said it changed for a little while, but now its back to the way it was before.

I do think he's taking you for granted. I mean, like you said, it only takes like 5 seconds to send a text message. I think you need to have another talk with him.

You need to call him and tell him that you both need to talk. There's no excuse for making you feel like he is taking you for granted. You need to tell him how important it is for you to have some sort of contact with him, even if its just 5 minutes of taking on the phone every day, or a simple text message. If he can't take 5 minutes out of his day for you, then what does that prove? Not that he really loves you as much as he says he does.

Talking out problems is important, but the most important thing is the result. It doesn't matter how long things were better for, the fact is, he let it get back to the way it was. Thats a problem.

You need to feel important in a relationship. Thats part of being in one, showing the other person that you love them and would do anything for them.

I hate to say this, but if he isn't making any effort to contact you, it has to be for a reason. Not that he's too busy because in reality, no one is too busy to send a quick two worded text message, or even an email, or a 2 minute phone call, unless he has no phone around or computer at all during the day, and you know thats not likely.

I think you should just talking to him about it again. Of course I don't know how you will get that to happen since you get in touch with him. I guess in the meantime, just stop contacting him and see if he even notices. Relationships will not work if only one person puts effort into it.

Maybe he just doesn't want to call you...especially if he has nothing to say...he could feel like he has to report in to you?

Above all though, you can't control his actions. Asking him to be more considerate of you may not work...in fact it hasn't. He has to WANT to call you. Maybe he just doesn't want to anymore.

The more pressure you place on him to call, the more he'll turn away.

I don't blame you for feeling upset about this because I would expect my guy to call me regularly too, but if he's choosing not to call you, then I think there's something fishy going on.

I really don't think you can do anything except let him know how he's making you feel. It's his choice whether or not he wants to make the effort...and from your post, it sounds like he just doesn't care.

I know I should probably act more distant but I don`t want to just play tit for tat.

What I really feel like doing, and what I worry that I will do, is phone him up tonight and hurl abuse at him, which obviously would be counter-productive.

I know that he gets lunch breaks, I know that he gets rooms in hotels- I have pointed all this out to him before!

The last time we had this talk, he told me that part of the reason he didn`t phone was because he was so `comfortable` with me now that he didn`t feel the need to phone up all the time. But this is a case of phoning up every 3 days and ignoring my attempts to contact him ( apart from one text)

I wouldn`t mind but he never used to be like this. If he had always been a bad communicator I wouldn`t mind so much but this is a man who used to spend hours every night on the phone talking to me, who once drove through the night to see me in the holidays for one day ( admittedly this was some time ago but you can see my point)

I don`t know guys- should I phone him up tonight and have it out with him or just ignore his attempts to contact me quid pro quo?

I would wait for him to call you, you have already tried, and been basically ignored. Now its his turn.

If you want to make an issue of it, go ahead, especially if it is that important to you.

Just be prepared that this may result in ending the relationship, so be very sure of what you are risking.

It's not about tit for tat or playing games. What I'm saying is that he appears to be pulling away - so don't chase him! As you said, he used to be a good communicator - he knows how to use and phone and be a good boyfriend. And now, he's choosing not to be. And you're putting up with it. Now, surely a guy who knows how to drive through the night to see a girl he really likes can pick up a phone too.

Here's an excerpt from my "bible," "He's just not that into you." by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo:

Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy days to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

I am in the same situation as you.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. The past 2 years he has been so busy with work, every day of the week, and going to classes at night.

He does not call me all week long, and I only hear from him maybe once or twice a week. I see him that much, too.

Basically, you and I are in relationships where the guy is just too busy. People seem to think it means they're not into you, and well, it's been going on for 2 years in my 5 yr relationship, and if that was the case, I think it would have been over long ago.

You just need to accept this fact, and it's SO hard to. Your boyfriend is just busy and he's focused on work. There's actually alot of guys like that out there, and I've been meeting girls who's boyfriends don't call much, and guys who don't know why their girls must hear from them so much.

Good one Annie!!

I think you should phone him tonight. Don't yell, just say how you feel- that you feel taken for granted.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what to say, or doesn't have anything to say, so he's not calling you. I would think after 2 years, talking would get easier, not harder. It would just be nice to hear that he's alive and thinking about you.

Tell him that you will back off with contacting him because seriously, if he really has no time for you, then what's the point in continuing to call him just to talk to his voice mail?

He needs to be understanding and at least try to contact you. I mean, if he goes like a day without contacting you, then that would be understandable, but not a couple days at a time. Thats just rediculous.

If this is really just the way he's going to be, I don't think there will be much you can do to change him. I mean, he should know that this is a problem to you cause you have talked about it before and you've been trying to contact him as well. I hate to say this, but if nothing changes, then he's not worth it. I mean, can you seriously deal with this forever? He's not putting effort into giving 2 minutes of his day to you. Even if he just called you and was silent the whole time, that would at least be something to show he's thinking about you.

Right now the question isn't whether you love him or not. Of course you love him. If you didn't, you wouldn't care so much about this. However, you need to decide if this is something that you can live with. He obviously doesn't care that you would like to hear from him sometimes.

Well thanks for all the advice again guys.

It`s now coming up for 11.45 so I get the feeling he won`t be calling me tonight.

I`m kind of torn now- one hand I feel like doing the `distance` thing that Annie24 suggested (great quote by the way, I have made a note of it and am going to read it out to him over the phone) but on the other I feel like I should call him up tonight and talk about it like Maggie18 and some of the others suggested.

I suppose it does sadden me to think that he doesn`t have a thought for me in his day. Just to give a bit more background to the situation, we were both students but he took a year out to focus on student politics and he has been pretty much consumed by it this year. That is why his job involves going away to meetings all the time etc

I remember someone here making a reference to him being Tony Blair- that is actually pretty ironic lol because I am pretty sure he has plans to follow in Tony Blair`s footsteps one day in the future.

x-mirth it is reassuring to see that you are in a similar situation. I really can`t see me putting up with this for two years though- the last few months have been bad enough. It is not so much the lack of seeing him that bothers me (I know he is busy), more the lack of communication.

If this relationship works for you xmrth, then that's great. However, it appears that Fif Angel is unfulfilled in her current relationship as it stands. Now, you can either accept being with a guy who calls you every 3 days after 2 years, or you can find a guy who will want to hear from you more often.

Here's another quote from Liz and Greg:

"Here's the little secret about some guys who travel: They look forward to leaving. The quite like having the frequent flier miles and the built-in escape hatch. It's hard to hit a moving target. There are ways to travel and be in a relationship, and there are ways to travel and make sure you stay out of one. The easy way to know the difference is if the guy tells you all the time how bummed he is that he has to keep leaving ou. If he is not making a serious effort to make sure that while he's out of town you don't go out and find someone else, then I think you've boarded the he's-just-not-into-you jet. Buckle up."

Ok so I just phoned him. And, guess what? Yep, I got his voicemail. I didn`t leave a message but I think I might call again and leave one. Actually I think I`m going to just go to bed.

You know I was thinking about this and it occurred to me that while I want him to call me every day, after all this is over and we have a talk, I don`t want him to just call him because he feels he has to.

What I really want is for him to call because he wants to talk to me everyday....but how the hell do I do that?

I really like Annie's posts. They really make sense.

xmrth, it is great that you and your boyfriend are still doing great despite how busy he is. However, the main difference between you and Fif Angel is that she is finding it a problem and it makes her feel not so important to her boyfriend.

That is totally ok to feel this way Fif Angel. You are not alone. If my boyfriend was doing the same thing, I would be really hurt and upset.

I really wish we could make this easier for you. Its obvious you really care for him and love him. A lot of people in your situation would find it hard to try to live with a boyfriend like this, or to break off the relationship.

I think that he's being selfish really. I mean, he's keeping you around. As much as it would hurt both of you for him to say "I love you and want to be with you, but let's take a break for now because right now I can't be the boyfriend I need to be for this relationship", at least that would show you that he thought it all out and has decided that he cares about this relationship and knows that he's too busy right now and he knows that things will only go downhill. I mean, you just think that he should be able to give you 2 minutes of his day and thats fine, and he knows this. Obviously he's too busy now, so wouldn't it have been nice of him to not leave you waiting for him to think about you and have the decency to give you a sign that he's alive?

That wouldn't nessecarily mean its over, it would just make things less stressful for the both of you. I mean, obviously he's not being the boyfriend you need right now. I just think that having to deal with this is causing you more pain because you are probably right now questioning whether he's even thinking about you.

I don't know what to tell you anymore honestly. I think that its obvious he's "too busy". And I understand how frustrating it would be for you. In my opinion, I think you should call him and say "I know that you have been busy, and I'm not going to bother you and keep calling you all the time, so just call me when you have time for me."

I was in the middle of posting my post before I read the last one you wrote. I think you should call him and leave a message saying "I haven't talked to you in awhile, so it would be nice just to catch up on things. I'm sorry I have been calling you so much, obviously you are busy. I won't call you anymore, so please just give me a call when you have at least a couple minutes for me. I don't care if its just for a few minutes, I would just like to talk"

I really like Annie's posts. They really make sense.

That's sweet of you to say Maggie! But, they're all Greg and Liz's ideas. My life would have been so much easier had I learned all of this stuff years ago...

You know... have dated some VERY busy guys, ones who travelled a lot, went to lots of meeting, had busy personal and work lives. Your boyfriend is not an anomaly among men, or even women, in being busy. People get busy. And they get busier! People choose to take on more and make themselves busier...they still can call you!

Even the busiest guys I have dated made time to call, and to see me. They would call before a meeting, or when they got home, before they ate, they would send a quick email or text..heck even when they were on another continent! When a guy loves you and is interested in you he'll call. When he respects you he will call. Those times where they did not....there were problems in the relationship or we were on the way "out". Relationships can take work..but just as when you know something is right, its right...when it isn't..you KNOW it isn't.

In my opinion being too busy is not a reason, it is an excuse. When you love someone, you WANT to call them...you don't care if you are busy, you will call them. Saying they are too busy is basically saying "work is more important...school is more important....". Don't you want someone who says "yes work IS important...but it is not life...and YOU are very important...I am going to call you!".

Say you do marry this guy one day, and have children...guess who will be the one taking care of the kids all the time?

Stop chasing him..back off and see how he responds. If he does not, it is time to walk. You deserve better (and once you know that, you will get it!).

P.S. That book IS a good one...I definitely second the recommendation.

I can understand your frustration. Im kind of going through the same thing with my boyfriend right now. Truth be told though, I haven't called him either. I was the last person to call, so I figure now he can make some effort. (That was a few days ago)

The longer you go, the more they start to wonder "why isn't she calling me?" or better yet "I know I'm wrong, why isn't she mad at me?". I know it seems like game playing, but to me, it's self-preservation. I think if he wants to talk to me, he can call me, Im not asking much.

It's really frustrating, and it sucks berating yourself and trying to figure out what you did wrong. You didn't do anything. Don't worry about it, he hasn't broken up with you, so he's probably just got something else going on.