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this post is not going to be what a lot of people want to hear. but i am not one to tell people what they want to hear but rather, what they need to hear for their own well being.

 

i bet this post will get a million hits & very few replies. b/c so many people so badly want to win back their exs love....but many refuse to face the reality of it all.

 

before you plan your "method of attack" read this itll save you a A LOT OF GRIEF!

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THERE ARE NO 'METHODS' TO WIN BACK SOMEONE'S LOVE.

 

end of story.

 

there is a thing called free will & whether or not you practice "NC" or rack up your phone bill by calling to beg & plead to an ex it WILL NOT assist in any way of having them come back to you. theyre going to do what they want anyway. and face it they may not want to be with you again. and why would you even bother to dwell on someone who doesnt want to be with you anymore?? it makes no sense.

 

if you plan on using 'methods' to get them back you might as well put a love spell on them & "get it done faster". either way, its manipulative & fake! if you try to play the 'if i stop talking to them, he'll/she'll miss me' game, wake up. they may miss you! yea, great! whatever. but do you want a relationship w/ someone just b/c they miss you???? probably not!

 

yea we are humans we miss what we had, we miss the comfort of someone who cares about us, will do anything for us, we miss having them around, the security & luxury of having someone there, & not to mention intimacy on a regular basis....WHO WOULDNT MISS ALL THAT??!! BUT that doesnt mean the person still loves you & wants to be with you in a relationship. even if thats what THEY think at the moment!

 

dont get me wrong exs do come back sometimes, but dont always count on it. and like i said before NOTHING YOU DO OR DONT DO will make that happen. the heart wants what the heart wants & no one here can deny that! ask yourself: would you go back with someone who you dont want anymore?? NO! I DOUBT IT! & WOULD ANYTHING THEY DO OR DONT DO CHANGE YOUR MIND??? once again...probably not....

 

i can give you personal examples of exs of mine that came back, & what they & i did during breakup..."NC" & all that other jazz. but we did it subconsciously & yea most of them came back, but not all! but you know what? i didnt take any of them back...not to be spiteful but simply b/c i didnt want to. nothing against them..I JUST SIMPLY DIDNT WANT TO BE WITH THEM ANYMORE.

 

put yourself in your exs place...if you were over & done with someone would you want them 'strategizing' to 'win you back'??? DEF NOT!! thats creepy, annoying, unhealthy & when you think about it, quite obsessive.

 

sometimes we have to just do whatever it takes to get them off our mind as soon as possibly after grieving. itll speed up the healing process & allow you to move on with your life. wasting a month, a year, a few years WHATEVER amount of time 'hoping/wishing/praying/strategizing/& over thinking' to win them back is exactly that...A WASTE OF TIME.

 

go ahead, move on with your life. if it was true love it will return genuinly & fully...gotta love Muneca, she had a profile once that read:

 

"Absense diminishes mediocre passions & increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles & fans fire."

 

It makes a lot of sense. if you 2 breakup. let it be. grieve, but do as much as you can to move on. basking in misery & over analyzing IM's, texts, convos, & even online messenger profiles is NOT going to help you move on with your life!!!

 

if they come back & the first words out of their mouths are: "well, i missed you." its more than likely that theyre back for a temporary fix. they miss you, but once they have you again...guess what...they wont miss you anymore now will they. so if an ex comes back on those terms re-evaluate what you want in a mate & what terms youd want a relationship to be built on. "missing someone" is NOT a reliable foundation to a strong & long lasting relationship.

 

and remember sometimes what we think we want at the moment may not be what we want for ourselves in the future.....not getting 'what we want' can be a blessing in disguise.

 

for those hopeless romantics that live for what they had: look at it this way: you are a ship & your ex is your anchor...if you let it, he/she will keep you tied to the past. restricting you from ever moving forward & seeing all whats out there. denying you the freedom of exploring new things & making you possibly miss out on the one who has the power to put the wind back in your sails....

 

but hey, this is just my opinion...............

 

-DG724

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I hate to say this and your right me and alot of other ppl do not like to hear this but it is true and I have learned alot in the past year from being hurt and down and heart broken,Everyone goes through it at some point and no matter what u will get better and mabe im not all the way healed but im healing and if you can understand that its hard and tough and you feel like your never going to get better believe me it may take time but you will,No matter what learn to be happy on your own be secure with yourself dont fight for love let love come to you and oneday it will not that it will be an ex or someone you love but the right person who will treat you well will come along and im learning to except my breakup and move on and be better for me good luck everyone and nice post girl keep your head up to

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your words are sharp and their message hard...but after some major soul searching i believe them to be true...

 

the NC stuff and the other games may work every now and then, but when someone falls outta love, I dont think there is a coming back ... if there is a boy/girlfriend it exacerbates the problem...

 

think it is time to move on and love the past, learn from the past, but not try and recreate the past

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Ok, rafter eading your post i felt sorta bad. Heres why.

 

When my ex girlfriend cut me outta her life, i was devastated and totally lost. In all my years of life, with all that knowledge gained, i didnt know what to do. It sucked so bad, i was just tryin to be myself and it was like i didnt know how to do it. It was so confusing. Its like you grow up to learn 1 + = 2, then one day someone says 1 + 1 = 3.. You dont believe it and its crazy talk.

 

I tried my hardest not to make her feel bad or see how much the break up hurt me for her sake. Ugh.. It sucked and i tried my hardest to handle it in a good way, but i still "stratagized" ways to get her back. I wrote emails trying to open up contact and show off my unique view on life that she loved so much to remind her she was attracted to me. I wasnt trying to be creepy or obsessibe, it was just that going from complete attatchment to someone to complete seperation was an amazingly difficult obsticle. Just because SHE cut me out didnt mean my soul was ready for that drastic change. It took a lot for me to get to the point i didnt anaylze every small thing ever. The thing is, i was actually trying to do everything good, but the problem was just too hard for my heart to deal with. The last thing i could do was just move on so abrubtley like you said..

 

So here i am now, a few months wiser i guess and im doing better. To be honest now i dont really want her back, but i just wish stuff didnt go down like it did. I step back from the relationship now and im not 'in love' with her and i dont get all ga ga over her personality anymore, but i still have this love for her. She had so many qualities i want in a partner and i guess she only had one problem - sucking at commitment. I cant be angry or use that as a modivation to move on, instead its a small disappointment. Like in my brain im thinkin, "Man, if only you didnt screw it up with your commitment thing, wed totally be chillin".

 

I guess this whole growing thing is still a sensitive subject with me, sorry for sounding so defensive Heres what i loved about your post. If someone misses you it definitely doesnt mean they really want you back in thier soul. Man, if someone breaks up with you and says they miss you and you take them back, ill bet money that they are gone as soon as they are done 'missing' you.

 

What i miss most about my previous relationship was how well the little things fit together so well. The sex, getting to nerd out fantasy style and getting to make her breakfast when she was late for work in the morning. Just like you said though, none of that is reason for me to ever get back with her. They are just reasons to miss her.

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Have u ever had someone be truned against someone. Have you ever been turned against someone? Have you ever bought something you didn't need from a door to door salesman. Have you ever bought something you didn't need because it was advertised on TV and you thought it would make you feel better? People are malleable. The guys I have recently dumped all rang and wished me a happy christmas. The guys who dumped me didn't.

Why do children complain about wearing schoo; uniforms and then all dress alike after school. We have freewill but we generally follow the herd. Knowing that is what made Hitler so successful.

Do you think you live in one of the best countries in the world? Well so do most people. Why? because they were born there. Everything is subjective and alot is conditioned.

I can give you two examples of two people who wormed their way into the affections of other people.Love is natural, biological and psychological. We want someone who loves us but we like to think we are envied by others. We also want someone who wont make us feel bad about ourselves. People buy clothes and cars and houses and take jobs and holidays that reflect who they are. They also select lovers for the same reason. LOVE IS ABOUT EGO. our ego and their ego.

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I know what you mean DG. There are days I feel like I want my ex back. But then my friends remind me that I just miss having a bf who lives a block away and a regular date for saturday nights. It's true - when I think about it, our relationship wasn't all that great. It was just kinda mediocre. I'm glad I'm out of it now and that I can find someone who is truly right for me.

 

If you feel like you want your ex back also, really think, do you miss your ex, or the idea of your ex? Some of you will still say you geniunely miss your ex. But, it's ok. Time heals all wounds.

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Haji,

 

yea man seperating yourself from a relationship emotionally can be completely shocking to your soul. this is sumone you affiliated yourself with for so long, someone who you shared such a close bond with, almost like 2 becoming 1 & when the 1 leaves 1/2 your soul seems to be depleted b/c you identified yourelf with that person for so long. thats totally naural & the grieving stage is very important & necessary. just like a death, after a breakup we need a coping period. its too much to handle. the loss is devestating & it is perfectly fine to grieve. its just that there comes a point in time where maybe we should stop focusing on that person & what we used to have & refocus attention onto yourself. thats the stage where a lot of people get stuck. b/c they sorta 'get used to' being depresed & missing what they had so much so that it becomes a daily ritual & almost 'normal' to their everyday life. thats when people start 'strategizing' & thats when grieving, which is prefectly normal & needed, turns into that weird 'obsession' w/ reliving what you used to have & how youll do anything to get it back. and thats when the 'love' they once had becomes more of an infactuation & love of the past, rather than real love for the person. thats when they need to learn to love themselves rather than worrying about finding love in another.

 

im glad you realized after all the BS you put yourself through you saw that deep down you didnt want her anymore. isnt that the best feeling in the world! b/c face it after a while, grieving & killing yourself w/o them & rackin your brain 'strategizing' it becomes almost a JOB! its not enjoyable thinking about this person after this long, its draining & exhausting, & you realize too much damage has been done for this to EVER work. i know after a while i felt more like a servant for his love. i would do ANYTHING to get him back....then i woke up & said: "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!?! if this was love i wouldnt have to put all this 1 sided work into it. screw this! this isnt love its obsession." & i gave myself a rude awakening....i so desperatly needed.

 

when you said: 'damn if you didnt screw up wed still be chillin' i totally feel you on that. ive said that myself a few times. but i guess thats when ya just gotta suck it up, take the good w/ the bad, & live & learn....onto the next thing.

 

take care man,

-DG724

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I hate to say this and your right me and alot of other ppl do not like to hear this but it is true... No matter what learn to be happy on your own be secure with yourself dont fight for love let love come to you and oneday it will not that it will be an ex or someone you love but the right person who will treat you well will come along...

 

girl youve come a lonnnng way, ona longggg bumpy road. im glad to see youre refocusing on whats important in your life.....YOU!

 

& theres a song i love by Bjork its called "All Is Full Of Love"

 

Bjork

All Is Full Of Love

 

you'll be given love

you'll be taken care of

you'll be given love

you have to trust it

 

maybe not from the sources

you have poured yours

maybe not from the directions

you are staring at

 

trust your head around

it's all around you

all is full of love

all around you

 

all is full of love

you just aint receiving

all is full of love

your phone is off the hook

all is full of love

your doors are all shut

all is full of love!

 

all is full of love

all is full of love

all is full of love

all is full of love

all is full of love...

 

shes right, love will come, but maybe not from the sources you have poured yours.....maybe not from the directions you are staring at....but it is all around you. free yourself of your past burdens & open yourself up to the world around you. you may find love when you are least expecting it from someone you havent even met yet! how exciting!

 

get this song it is so beautiful & soooooo peaceful to listen to. def check it out!!! very relaxing & refreshing. the video is really awesome too!!!!!! very high-tech & sentual.

 

keep your spirits up!

-DG724

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You are absolutely right and this should server as a reminder to plenty of people on this site....well Including ME!!

 

This is great words....now the question is will anyone follow this

 

I know I will!

 

im hoping others will too...but even if youre the only person in the world to follow it, then it was definitly worth posting.

 

maybe ill bump into you in the city one day .

 

have a good one,

-DG724

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I know what you mean DG. There are days I feel like I want my ex back. But then my friends remind me that I just miss having a bf who lives a block away and a regular date for saturday nights. It's true - when I think about it, our relationship wasn't all that great. It was just kinda mediocre. I'm glad I'm out of it now and that I can find someone who is truly right for me.

 

If you feel like you want your ex back also, really think, do you miss your ex, or the idea of your ex? Some of you will still say you geniunely miss your ex. But, it's ok. Time heals all wounds.

 

youre right on the money, so many fall in love w/ the idea of love & they mjiss having that lifestyle. but they have to realize that & that is a very difficult thing to do. i just hope they can read this post & the replies & help them out along the way....im glad youre glad youre out of it now too.

 

stay strong,

-DG724

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I can give you two examples of two people who wormed their way into the affections of other people.Love is natural, biological and psychological. We want someone who loves us but we like to think we are envied by others. We also want someone who wont make us feel bad about ourselves. People buy clothes and cars and houses and take jobs and holidays that reflect who they are. They also select lovers for the same reason. LOVE IS ABOUT EGO. our ego and their ego.

 

hmmm im not sure where youre going w/ this reply actually but i do agree that love is natural. but right before that you said that you know 2 examples of people who 'wormed their way into someone elses affections." well, technically you cant do that if love comes natural....can you? keep posting maybe you can explain to me what you mean.

 

-DG724

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When i said love is natural, i meant that it is part of nature. In nature we mate those who are genetically most likely to give us the best offspring.

 

The two who wormed there way into the affections of men were very very calculating and I have to say I dislike both of them. But what they did was behave in a manner that made two men, notice them, like them and want them.

 

I cite those example to illustrate that love isn't necessarily something above manipulation and calculation.

 

For years the most beatiful women were presented us by the media as buxom slim-hipped blondes. Then it moved to large bottomed darkskinned latino types. Many people bot men and women adjusted their attitude accordingly. SO WE HAD jANE fONDa BEMOANING HER ROUND BOTTOM IN THE EIGHTIES ANFnow we have women paying to have theirs made larger in the nineties.

 

If our perceptions of what is considered attractive can be manipulated by the media can they not also be manipulated by individuals?

How many people have written about exes who have dumped them and then rung them up, then told them they loved him and couldn't be with them and then slept with them. Many of us here are being manipulated by exes and its working on us.

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I think that in the general sense, your post has merit. However, I have to take an opposing stance on some factors.

 

"Obsessing over getting them back".

 

People can't help that. Especially when they've been dumped. I would go so far as to say that it's part of the healing process. It's not unusal at all, and people can't turn it off. How many posts have we all seen when someone hits that final point where they feel that they have closure after all the plotting, and move forward?

 

Another thing I would have to say is, who do we think we're kidding? Relationships are a game of sorts from start to finish. From the inital courting to the actual relationship, people are learning about one another, and constantly vying for control. All is not well and good in relationship-land. It's not that cut and dry. People break up with people for a plethera of reasons. MANY times, they do get back together. It may or may not last, but people are still going to try, that's just human nature.

 

It's nice in theory to think that we can just move on right away after a breakup, but it doesn't work that way. Whether or not they end up coming back, people are still going to think about it incessantly, plot and scheme about it, seek the special cure for it.... I think we've all been there. I would rather be able to tell them "no, don't send that email!", then to simply say, "They aren't coming back ever". I could be wrong about that....

 

That's just my 2 cents, otherwise an interesting post.

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I think of enotalone as the best kind of diary, it answers back. Sometimes it tells you what you dont want to hear and sometimes it tells you things that cheer you up. Here i write what i think.

At work im surrounded by women who pretend they are happily married because everyone else does. But I know that alot of them are covering up. I know some women who were conditioned to believe that kids are your ultimate destiny and will make you fulfilled and think that they are monsters because they dont feel that way.Men have it even worse I think because at least a woman may be lucky to find a friend who will be blunt whilst men dont really talk about their feelings at all.

Love requires tactics. You are marketing yourself. Know your market. Do your market research.Knowledge is power.

My Ex has CFS. Im a strong woman and a cheerful practical one. He would be very lucky to have someone like me who has taken the time to understand his illness and was even going to learn massage to help him (but i didnt tell him that). Would it be such a crime if I managed to win him back by some means or other. Might he not thank me. Might it not be that he dumped me out of fear and if I removed that fear he would be happier than if I just threw in the towel and walked away?

At the same time I know that i'm likely to fail so im persuing other avenues.

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Might it not be that he dumped me out of fear and if I removed that fear he would be happier than if I just threw in the towel and walked away?

At the same time I know that i'm likely to fail so im persuing other avenues.

 

That's what I meant in my post. Nothing is cut and dry. Sometimes the plotting and scheming is part of the healing process. No one knows the exact reason for the breakup except the dumper. Sometimes the reason might surprise you.

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And maybe sometimes the plotting and scheming works.

 

no it can not work. how can u even say that? i had exs plead & beg for me back & i had exs back off & we started talkin again over time & everytime, no matter what they did, i never took them back. b/c i didnt want to. PEOPLE ONLY CHOOSE TO COME BACK TO THOSE THEY WANT TO. THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS. how can u deny that?

 

if someone YOURE not interested in 'strategizes' to have YOU back...WILL IT WORK? the answer is NO! u would not be with someone unless you want to be with them. and thats what it comes down to. & the meaning behind this post is yes grieve its natural, but dont think anything you do or dont do or anything u say or dont say will make them come back to you.

 

and to me, when i found out 1 of my exs was doin all this stuff to try to get me back. it made him look obsessive, pathetic & it was terribly annoying! ugh* its been 2 yrs & hes still not off my ***! anyway! it gets creepy after a while. when people are basking in misery more than they are happy, for a long period of time is when it becomes obsessive & unhealthy.

 

-DG724

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PricessLinzay is spot on. We probably all know how we should act during a break up and how we want to act. Yet despite our best intentions we usually do one or two or a whole lot of things we always said we wouldn't. Why? Because it is part of the process.

 

Telling a dumpee not to obsess, plan ways to get back together, wallow in grief is like telling someone not to cry at a funeral. It is a coping mechanism, it is a way the mind keep sbusy and hangs on to hope whilst we slowly adjust. What it is not is the actions and thoughts of someone who is completely rational in that time of stress.

 

Also in our younger years it is a learning process. I doubt there are many people who have been in love that have not been through his process. And you know what? The second time, the third time, the fourth time you get better at it.

 

So I would actually argue that the process is valuable and necessary for people to develop into someone who is able to have a mature relationship.

I agree that type of activity rarely works but I don't agree that you should not go through it. It is more harmful to suppress your emotions and responses.

 

One word though...be wary of your response getting over the top.

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  • 2 weeks later...

for me it has been a year, im still hurting, i have been on and off ok, not ok, i miss her like CRAZY, noone else has been the same.

a year is a long time.

 

I agree with the poster.

 

 

What do you do when you know they love you, they made it clear you were soulmates, even when you got back together briefly before fighting again over unresolved unspoken issues??

 

You know they still love you and thats not the issue.

but its also known they are the most sutbborn person with TOO MUCH PRIDEw ho would never contact you again?

but you know if you could just talk itd be all ok...

 

no stategies, but you know no matter what they feel they won't come back...???

and you don't want to lose them?

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What do you do when you know they love you, they made it clear you were soulmates, even when you got back together briefly before fighting again over unresolved unspoken issues??

 

You know they still love you and thats not the issue.

but its also known they are the most sutbborn person with TOO MUCH PRIDEw ho would never contact you again?

but you know if you could just talk itd be all ok...

 

no stategies, but you know no matter what they feel they won't come back...???

and you don't want to lose them?

 

if they love their pride more than they love you then its simply not love.

 

what it comes down to is: if they have 'too much pride to work things out' then 'they arent really that into you'. no matter what BS line they feed you thats what it comes down to.

 

-DG724

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So then whats the best way to get over it?

 

the best way to get over a heartbreak is to love & honor yourself & put as much energy as you do focusing on THEM & revert it back into YOURSELF. easier said than done but definitly doable. if you let it.

 

release the heavy burden of overthinking & worrying from yourself, when you start to think about them just say 'you know what screw this! ' & go do something good for yourself. go hang out w/ a friend, go work out, go meditate, doesnt matter.

 

once you force yourself to break out of that barrier & put your past behind you youll begin to heal yourself.

 

surround yourself with fun & happy people and let go. stop worrying & thinking so much. lifes too short to dwell on the past, youre gonna miss all the good stuff coming up if you have your head turned & looking the other way. go out to social environments, try to meet at least 1 new person a week. guy/girl doesnt matter. just put yourself out there & have confidence in yourself that someone better WILL come along. when the timing is right. stop worrying about Mr or Ms Right. just live each day like its your last & the only thing you'll benefit from your past is future knowledge.

 

life is all about experiences (the good, bad & indifferent), so live it up while you can & put yourself back out there! theres so much out there you havent explored yet. (not to sound like a fortune cookie, BUT...) be confident, have fun & love yourself all the way.

 

-DG724

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