For Those of You in Painful Relationships...

I wanted to post my thoughts here. I have been here for a while, lurking about and responding every now and then to peoples' posts. I find it disturbing how many people there are in relationships that are so obviously wrong for them, trying so hard to make it work with someone who is making it clear they don't want it to work the way it should.

When I see posts like "I love him but he tells me he doesn't know if he wants me in his future" or "He's embarrassed to be seen with me" it causes my heart to ache for those people. What else have I seen? Hmmm...

"I love her but she insists on going to clubs and hitting on guys"

"I love him but he is using me for my money and cheating on me on top of it all"

"I love him and I KNOW he loves me, but he tells me he isn't attracted to me and that's why he cheats on me"

"He tells me he is just friends with her, but he wants to see her more than me... should I believe him?"

"I love him, but he would rather watch porn or go to the strip joint than be with me intimately"

"I know she loves me, but she lied to me about seeing her ex"

"I know he loves me but he won't move to my state to be together"

"I know she loves me, but she won't divorce her husband"

Need I go on? We have all seen these posts and similar ones, if not been in a situation like the above. There is a commonality in my mind between the above situations... That is, the relationships should have ended long ago, there is no need or room for communication, and there is no hope for a healthy future. So why are people in these relationships?! It escapes me, as they're totally cutting off their chances of ever meeting their soulmates.

So we've all heard "well every relationship has it's problems" to justify the above scenarios. This is true. My boyfriend and I occasionally disagree on what movie to see or which restaurant to eat at. When I want to see a chick flick and then go for pasta, but he's interested in a horror and late night Chinese food, this is a problem. But things like lying, cheating, and abuse (whether emotional or physical) are beyond "relationship problems" and are cause for termination of the relationship.

There are two kinds of problems that couples face: Those that the world throws at them, and those that they throw at each other. A couple in deep love can work through anything life throws at them. But if they're throwing problems at one another by betraying one another or disrespecting one another, these problems are insurmountable.

Before meeting my BF, I thought there could never be so perfect a relationship. I tried to make a relationship work that was FULL of problems relating to distance, money, values, goals, sex, and overall compatibility. I tried for 2.5 years! It was pure fluke and God-blessed coincidence that I met my current BF. Now all the issues I was prepared to work on because "every couple has their problems" are gone. We don't have issues.

For those of you in painful relationships, ones that cause your heart to ache more than flutter, or you fear the relationship is going nowhere I offer you this: How can you value yourself so little that you are willing to deny yourself the very love you're entitled to? How can you stay in a relationship when you could so easily let go and be free to find your soulmate? Don't be afraid to be alone, embrace it! It means your soulmate has to work that much less to find and be with you. When you're committing yourself to a relationship that doesn't deserve you, you're blinding yourself to potential soulmates.

For those of you alone after a series of dead end relationships, I offer you this: Look at yourself now. You're hurt and you're angry but you're ALIVE and you're FREE! You have all the potential in the world to meet the one for you.

For everyone, when you're in a relationship that causes you pain END IT. Don't suffer over how to communicate to your partner that their constant abuse or lying or cheating hurts you... Just LEAVE. You won't have them anymore, but you will have your pride. In many of these situations people stay in relationships that eat away at their pride to the point they think they're not worth more. You ARE, and you will only find someone who can make you see that if you are available to be loved. Let someone love you before it's too late... don't settle, and don't waste precious time.

Heartbreak does go away, you will get over this person you think you can never leave, and you will wonder what you were thinking during this time when you finally DO meet that special person, your soulmate. Good luck to you all.

Jenn

P.S.

Feel free to PM me. If this post helps one person recognize they're in a dead end relationship and gives them the strength to leave it then it was worth it. I'd like to help all I can.

Some people like to see the glass as half empty, some as half full...

You're right of course justagirl20f: we often don't realise or don't want to realise that we're flogging a dead horse. I wish someone had forcefully said what you're saying to me 19 years ago when I got married.

However, there are 2 points.

You can't just bail out everytime there's a problem. Agreed, certain things really are too much, but the dividing line between something that's workable with a bit of effort, and too much is individual. And we make mistakes, we think some things are workable when in the long term we discover they're not.

The second point is, what you say is ok talking about bf/gf. But when you're talking about a marriage, possibly after many years, with kids involved? It's not quite so easy then.

We can and do change as we mature and grow older. Our tastes changes and we can behave better than when we are younger.

Knowing what you want in a mate comes naturally for some of us, more so than others. Some of us look for a diamond in the rough others look for someone that will fulfill all our fantacies.

There is a good book on this topic called Excess Baggage by Judith Silles that explains why some people are always drawn to certain other people, it isn't a long book....

There are two kinds of problems that couples face: Those that the world throws at them, and those that they throw at each other. A couple in deep love can work through anything life throws at them. But if they're throwing problems at one another by betraying one another or disrespecting one another, these problems are insurmountable

I agree with you on that. I've seen some posts on here that really made me feel bad. I've seen posts where people have been cheated on, degraded, stepped on like trash, and even raped....and they still stay and try to "make it work". My heart breaks for these people.

But there's no way to rationalize with them when they are in the situation. Love is so blind. There is also "hope" which gets in the way. I know this first hand- I've been in some crappy relationships....we all have. You don't realize it until LATER...(when you're heart breaks, you have time to heal, and then the blinders are finally removed) what a mistake and waste of time the unhealthy relationship was. Some people need to go through that experience and learn from it. There's nothing you can do or say to stop them from staying. You don't realize how wrong those realtionships were until you find the right one who makes you happy.

Depending on their levels of self-esteem and past experience some will "try to make it work" in extremely unhealthy relationships longer than others and continue their self-torture. I've had friends and relatives stay in hideous situations. They'd go to me for help and I'd want to shake them every time they went back to the person. There's really nothing you can do to help them until they hit rock bottom and decide to leave the relationship themselves.

The best you can do in the meantime is offer them your advice but be supportive of them. It's all about living and learning and loving and respecting yourself before you try to be in love with someone else. Sometimes people must get hurt in bad relationships before they can reach a point where they're ready for the opportunity to have a GOOD relationship.

BellaDonna

I really agree with this post. I've been in so many bad relationships - in fact I think I'm going to print this and put it in my scrap book/photo album, SOMEWHERE so when I'm in a bad relationship and need to get out I can look at it.

I've already decided to get out of a bad relationship - grappling with HOW - but I'm going to get out somehow - i know its not love anymore - but if I had read this a year ago - I TELL ya i still wouldn't be in the same shoes I am now.

THANKS.

Words of Wisdom! Excellent post, Justagirl20f. What you said, has far much more meaning than what some idiot psychologist with a Ph.d. could ever say! That's how I truly feel. Thank you for your insight! -Billy

what i don't get is that i find great guys, these guys are good looking, caring, devoted and loving, they hold on to me so tight, and then something clicks in my head and i want to get away from them. i don't want to be the one to break it iff so i'll cheat or lie about something, and after they show their limp squashed hearts it's only then i realise that i would love to stay with this guy, he is a great guy, and i knew it all along i'm such a dickhead.. but it's too late. they hate me, i cry and feel so depressed, and don't understand why i hurt myself and others so needlessly.

I think sometimes the hardest thing is feeling so very tired of being the only one to realize the situation is bad. Being the one to always have to bear the brunt of the other persons crying and disappointment and arguing that you're wrong. Because, of course, if you are, it's because the other person is probably getting everything out of the codependent oportunistic relationship and you are being robbed of everything--including self esteem.

Depression is a powerful blinder. More powerful, maybe, than love. And it makes you forget that love is supposed to make you feel happy. You honestly forget.

And after a series of these flops (short and/or long term) you start to evaluate and question every relationship you're in for it's potential for failure. For it's potential to be the wrong one--again.

Which is kind of scarey because you wonder, repeatedly, what's wrong with this one. Even if you actually feel happy and can find nothing wrong with the person you're with.

In fact, it's quite scarey, because sometimes you look into that abyss that is your future and think you could be blinded either way. You could be missing the greatest thing ever by staying where you are and trying to work out any little kinks (and you're own personal issues) or you could be throwing away the best thing out there because you were sure there was something better. And end up alone.

Yes, I can be morbid. But these are the depressing thoughts I have sometimes.

well id like to start off by saying that the girl im in a realtionship is to hard to understand sometimes. i met her at a friends house. she gets to me sometimes, ive been dateing her for sevrial months now. my concern is she has alout of guy friends, which does not bother me. But the problem is they always walk over her, but yet she still wants to be friends with all her x-boyfriends. one thing that makes me diferent from her is when i was in high school which was a couple of years ago i was a very quiet person. i never talked to anybody at school. she was very popular in school and i think its starnge she would wanna date someone who is so unpoplar. well any way to cut to the chase, im always scared to stand up to her, everyone else does but im to afraid to, im scared she will say some hurtful things to me or blow up at me. I wonder if im not nice enough to her! im always buyiing things for her. every week im getting her nice things, but i feel like im doing something wrong everyday to make her mad. if anyone has ever felt this way, or if someone can tell me how to deal with this problem.