Is it just me? Struggeling to cope alone with Baby demands.

I got pregnant, we got married, and Alexis was born. In that order. We are both in our 30's and it is the second marraige for both of us. We were not pressured into getting married, he wanted it. anyway.

We both love our child dearly, and I would not change having her for the world. What I am struggeling with, however, is how my life changed, and how his stayed pretty much the same.

Anyone with kids know how you are restricted to activities that include them, and are baby safe, or you are looking for a sitter, and you obviously dont want to leave your child with a sitter every day, since I am a working mom, I get to see her little enough to want to leave her with anyone.

My hubby, doesn't chave this problem. He goes bike-riding, motard racing, plays golf, goes to social events (weekends away with the boys), rugby games, and pubs. FREQUENTLY. He doesn't really care to ask me if I wanted to do something and if he could maybe babysit for awhile, he just informs me he's busy with these things, and if I want to do something, I have to give him at least a weeks notice, if he has to babysit. If he has something going however, he quickly finds somewhere to dump the baby. I know he loves her very much, but my problem is: I think he's very self-centred, and doesn't care about my feelings or needs at all. I think it was a mistake to get married.

I often get mad, and tell him he's self centred, and that he doesnt take me into account. He's just never around. He basically sulks and tells me he won't give up his Golf or whatever for us.

It's not about the activity he's doing, it about, checking with me first to see if I wanted to do something, if it is ok to go. He doesn't need my permission, It is just common decency.

Am I over reacting? Do I just feel nailed down with responsibilities? Should he be more involved with us? When we stay home all he does is sit in front of the TV, and that is his reason for wanting to go out, he's bored with sitting at home. So.....what about me? I get bored too. Im really very frustrated, and irritated, and this is not helping me at all in dealing with this.

It is often that I offer to help on this forum, and seldon that I add my voice to the cries for help, so here goes....

HELP!!

Hello sonjam,

Having a child is indeed a wonderful experience which takes a lot of time... The arrival of a newborn is not easy for both parties. While women cope with it instinctively, sometimes men go into some sort of denial.

In any case, as marriage is (and should be) a teamwork, you should talk to your husband to snap-out whatever state he's in and start sharing the additional chores in the house, and pay more attention to the kid. If he doesn't, not only would the situation continue to be unfair for you, but your resentment will also grow each passing day.

However, from the tone of your post, it seems like you have even deeper problems with your marriage which is exacerbated by the arrival of your child. Maybe you might first of all try to address those issues and then move on to the topic of sharing responsibilities.

Cheers to you!

Abacab, thank you for your kind words. I think I have a bit of a depression going at the moment, and sometimes a person cannot see clearly what to do in times like this. Yes, you are absolutely right, there is a few issues leading up to my frustration, but where to begin to sort it all out. We could have the perfect relationship, and be great parents, if a few things could change......hahaha, I guess everyone would like that!

He's no comunicator. He hardy ever tells me he loves me, he never does. I guess I had unrealistic expectations ( and I often tell others not to do this!!)

I have to first deal with these expectations. I have to realise that yes, the bubble burst, things are not going to be as perfect as I hoped. Then I have to accept the things I know will not change.

See, I start working through these already, it just seems like such a daunting task to have to do it alone in your head. That's why a forum like this can be so helpfull.

I don't feel any better, but at least I have a starting point. I'm wondering if all new dads just keep on doing the same activities they used to do before the baby came, or if they actually do change their schedules to fit in with the family?

Well to answer your question, most good dads change their schedule just like moms do to suit the needs of their children. My wife and I alternated getting up with my kids during the night when they were babies. I changed just as many diapers as she did when I wasn't at work. And as the kids have grown older I've actually taken on hobbies just to be with them (like a cub scout leader).

With that said, I think it is important for a parent to have some adult time. That means both parents. Yes your husband should have some time to do his activities. And so should you. It should not be so tilted that he gets to do whatever he wants and you get to stay home with the baby.

If he doesn't want to give up his golf then he can give up something else. This is a negotiation. Let him give up rugby games for awhile. For yourself, I think you should schedule a regular night off where you can do what you like and your husband stays with the baby (its not babysitting - it's HIS child). Then your husband has no excuses for needing notice. Every Wednesday night or whatever night you choose is moms night out. Get out of the house and away from the bottles, diapers, baby talk, etc. Every parent needs some adult time or you go insane during those first couple of years with a new baby.

Is it possible that your husband feels he doesn't know what he is doing when he takes care of the baby? Maybe a parenting class would make him feel more confident.

And it also sounds like you two might need a little relationship counseling if the communication isn't there. Thats really important when it comes to kids. If you two don't communicate the child will pick up on it. And they are amazing at using you against each other to get what they want (trust me).

Hope this helps.

He's a little bit selfcentered I think. He shouldn't look at it as a mom's job, it's a team work. Looking after a child is not a easy task and require so much attention that you can't do it by yourself.

You need to educate your hubby that he needs to sacrify not all, but at least some of his hobbies. He may not yet realise your feeling yet so tell him you already upto limit and really need his understanding and help. It's better to let him know early before the balloon blows up.

It's awfull how, when you are feeling overwelmed by one problem, everything seems to feel like it's going down the tubes.

Here's what I did. I read the advice you guys gave me, and I had a thought about how I can resolve this. Friday night I had a chat with Hubby. I did not ask him to give up anything, but instead I told him that I want Thursday nights off. Ladies night. He wanted to know what I want to do on those nights, and I told him - rest, take a pottery class, go to the gym for a workout, visit my friends, whatever I feel like, but I need a night off, or I will go crazy.

He agreed. Not only did he agree, he asked If I think we should join the local gym so he can get a workout too now and then. I agreed, so we went there on Sunday, and joined. We agreed that I can go every tuesday and thursday nights, as a general rule, he will mind the baby, and then he can go alternate nights - as per agreement. On weekends we can go together - and leave the baby at the gym carecentre - we can watch her while we are there.

This way we get to spend time together, I get my time away, and I get to finally do some excersise - I have been missing it for a long time, since I used to be a gym fanatic - before baby was born.

Problem solved!

*sigh* what a relieve. Sometimes when you are brooding on a problem it just gets bigger and bigger in your mind until you think you can't get around it, and all you need is a little bit of COMMUNICATION. Avman, Abacab, thanks for your input!

Awwww. I'm glad things worked out well. A baby is a lot of work, but its all worth it in the end. You can still enjoy time as an adult. It just takes extra work, thats all.

Good luck!