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I see other people doing this and it seems better than texting him because, if history is my guide, I'll want to text him.

 

I have been here before. I hope this means it will be easier this time. After a brief apology for losing my temper, but clarifying that I meant every word, I said I wouldn't be contacting him anymore. Then because I'm stupid I said he would have to reach out if he had anything to say. Wish I hadn't added that part. Then I ended with "so long and thanks for all the fish" lol

 

I hope I'm blocked. I wish I could fast forward this part. I am so bitter right now, and I don't like being this person. Ah, this too shall pass.

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I wish I could fast forward this part. I am so bitter right now, and I don't like being this person. Ah, this too shall pass.

 

I feel you on that. Definitely wish I could just skip a couple years into the future and see where I'm at. But this is the toughest part because it is the most necessary part. I've learned that only through this pain will we really be able to grow and learn. It's hard, but this is the most important part of the healing process. Good luck, you're not alone in this struggle.

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Stay strong. Think about when you emerge from this funk, some new adventure awaits you. I was given good advice once: If you stay in a relationship that isn't satisfying you and/or moving forward, you are not making yourself available to the person that is out there looking for you, that wants what you want.

 

Cyber hugs to you.

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Stay strong. Think about when you emerge from this funk, some new adventure awaits you. I was given good advice once: If you stay in a relationship that isn't satisfying you and/or moving forward, you are not making yourself available to the person that is out there looking for you, that wants what you want.

 

Cyber hugs to you.

 

I can't even think about the next one lol But i love the spirit - being ready for opportunities. Thanks for the cyber hugs, very welcome tonight.

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Katara - sending you lots and lots of strength and positive stuff. This is so tough, and even starting the road is something you should be proud of yourself for. Be kind to yourself in this hard time, and know that you will get there, eventually. Keep your head high - we are all here together

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I see other people doing this and it seems better than texting him because, if history is my guide, I'll want to text him.

 

I have been here before. I hope this means it will be easier this time. After a brief apology for losing my temper, but clarifying that I meant every word, I said I wouldn't be contacting him anymore. Then because I'm stupid I said he would have to reach out if he had anything to say. Wish I hadn't added that part. Then I ended with "so long and thanks for all the fish" lol

 

I hope I'm blocked. I wish I could fast forward this part. I am so bitter right now, and I don't like being this person. Ah, this too shall pass.

 

Positive vibes to you. It's hard at first but as each day passes you will have more clarity. But you're in the right frame of mind which is to just move forward. Don't trouble yourself with what you said last lol I doubt it was worse than me. But from here on out is what matters.

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Positive vibes to you. It's hard at first but as each day passes you will have more clarity. But you're in the right frame of mind which is to just move forward. Don't trouble yourself with what you said last lol I doubt it was worse than me. But from here on out is what matters.

Thanks membername. I had said some pretty angry stuff before this. I couldn't stop saying angry stuff. I was so frustrated. What I was saying made so much sense why couldn't he see? I guess he just didn't want to.

 

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So this brings me to today's post. I just want to get it out, get it all out and be free again. It's 5:30 AM and the first day of no contact. I need to get up for work. I was so upset that I made myself sick with headaches and fevers/chills. That's just not normal. I missed two days of work and I wish I could miss a third, but that's enough time wallowing. I have stuff to do.

 

This is the second major break up with this guy. He doesn't want a relationship. That's what took months to find out the first time. Painful months of being hidden and denied. Not a single photo taken of me. Never went out. Having to park my car down the street because his ex was "crazy".

 

And somehow he made it seem logical. Somehow he got me, a reasonable woman, to accept this because there was always a hopeful end to this time. That once we were through this it would be OK. And every time I told myself that then I was doomed. I lost pieces of my self respect. I got hurt over and over again. And any time I would ask about the future he would freak. He's a very defensive and angry guy. The only time he was happy with our relationship was when we didn't have one.

 

He hid his phone like a champ. One time I grabbed it by accident and there was a response from a Craigslist ad. A personal ad. He told me it was from when we were on a break (we had a fight) and that he was looking for a man because he was sick of women. And I accepted it!!!

 

Then one time I did break into his phone and found a huge text convo (he always erased my texts) with graphic pics of another woman's p****. Again he said we were on a break for fighting. We were? We never stopped seeing or sleeping together, why didn't I know about these breaks?

 

He said this last go around that he wasn't ready to be put into a position where he had to feel guilty or that he's a liar. Since I don't accuse him of stuff, I can only assume he has a guilty conscience. He knows he'll let me down maybe. He knows he's juggling women. And if he wants to, fine. He's allowed to live his life any way he sees fit. But don't drag me into it.

 

I've seen the wine glasses on his counter when I know he doesn't drink. I don't say anything. I just wanted to keep the peace until he figured out that I was the best for him. But I guess by doing so, I was just a joke to him or something. Anyways I asked if we were going anywhere this time or just sleeping together. It's good when we're together, despite my anger talking about it.

 

But right now i hate him and I wish I didn't. I'm usually a peaceful "live and let live" kind of person. I have a responsible job where I have to be reasonable. I'm kind and understanding. So why am I so angry? I feel like i could slap him. I want to scream and cry. Sadly, I most want him to suddenly realize that I'm the girl for him. And I know that's ridiculous. I'm not fully deluded. But somehow I feel like he has won. It's so stupid. I lost my temper and now he has won.

 

Don't get me started on the codependent relationship he has with his ex... in case anyone is wondering why I'd date this awful guy, well he isn't always awful. Just when I'm out of sight I am out of mind. No texts or calls. No gifts. No memoirs. No photos. No fb pokes. Nothing.

 

And it's a very small dating pool. God I'm so depressed. I just want to cry.

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I understand completely, been there. Even I asked how the hell I let my ex do the crap he did. Im a smart person. But I wanted to believe he was a good person and made excuses, rather than own up to who he really was. It hurts when you put faith in someone and they walk all over you. But you can learn from all of that an now you can pick up quicker for future. Everything is a lesson. Even if we don't know yet what. *hugs* to you. Just press on, you are on the right track.

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Second day of no contact. Still mad so it's easier. I keep checking for texts from him, other than that he is blocked everywhere. Not because I think he's trying but to keep me from looking. My phone doesn't completely block texts, it just bumps them to archived without notification. So I changed the ringtone instead and that way I'm not checking for a text that hasn't come. If he does start contacting then I'll have to think of something else, but I won't hear from him for a while yet. If ever. I'm on to him and he knows it. My job is to not cave and apologize or offer an olive branch. That's when this will be harder, down the road when I'm not so mad.

 

What @membername said above hit me so hard. I wanted to believe he was a good person. I've thought about that. I'm still thinking about that. I saw the good and ignored the bad. I had one friend (when I still spoke to my friends about him) joke that maybe I was colorblind. I kept moving forward into the red flags like they were green. I bet on potential because it always seemed so close to manifesting.

 

Ugh stupid stupid woman. I'm old. I've been through a marriage that peaceably dissolved. I know you don't bet on potential. I know you can't be with someone now if you're waiting for the future. I can't begin to explain that he made me believe stuff to be true. Yes I wanted him enough to fool myself but it was more than that. He made / let me believe that what I wanted we already had, except for .... except for whatever. Something achievable. It was all bs but didn't seem like it at the time. His ex was a big one. Just have to get through this with the ex (her moving, her depression, her wanting to reconcile, you name it, it kept changing). I suspect he was leading her on too, making her think there was hope. I see he does this to other people (while undermining their credibility - oh she used to have a crush on me, she's depressed, she's an older lady, she's a psycho, she's a cokehead - all different people he's said this about.) These are all women he leads on and creates vast cover stories to me. "Leads on" - you know what I mean.

 

He can't help himself. This last go around he went to great lengths to tell me that he had a new tenant, an older single mom who he had no attraction to, rented to her on purpose so he wouldn't be a creepy landlord. (Also told me she was the only person who applied, after he'd told me the first bit. Got his stories crossed). He offered this info the first time we met up for coffee. I didn't ask him a thing about it, or her, or renting. Understand that he brought it all up. Everything about her. First time I was at his place after breakup I saw her, couple weeks later. She is young and gorgeous. I said nothing, but I noticed and wondered why he'd gone to that trouble of laying the groundwork. Then on a separate occasion he told me far too much about her, kind of in a weird rush like once he started talking he couldn't stop. Said that she was coked up all weekend with her boyfriend, what a bad mom she was, and how her boyfriend can't get it up cause that's what coke does to guys. .. I've never done coke, never seen it. But why is he telling me about her boyfriend's sexual dissatisfaction? He told me at length about another "friend" of his and how her husband was Asian and his small penis couldn't satisfy. The friend he had an affair with. I'm not crazy, this happened. I'm not seeing imaginary things.

 

I never remarked on the tenant. At that point we were just friendly and it wasn't worth mentioning. I just found it funny. He was single and could sleep with whoever he wanted and didn't owe me any explanations. He didn't need to lie. Or bring her up on separate occasions. I didn't care. I let him get close again, we slept together a few times, then I said no thank you.

 

So he was going to pick something up and hang out one day. Real friend stuff, not fooling around. Instead he brought a friend and was there maybe 2 mins. He was going away and i wouldnt see him til after xmas. I thought, with our budding rekindling that he'd give me half an hour or so. No he left quick, looked at me funny, asked if I was OK in his sugary voice, said he'd text later and never did.

 

So then I had a feeling. I later asked "is this going anywhere or is it just occasional friendly s**". He didn't answer. I asked the next day if he were going to answer. He said that he was sorry and all he could offer was friendship right now. (Right now, always something to make you think it's going to change). I was civil but cold about it, at first. He said he wanted to talk about it that night. Never called. I knew he wasn't going to call but it still pissed me off. When he contacted me next, I let loose. It wasn't pretty, but it was more expressing my frustration than anything else. It ended with me defending that I am a decent and good hearted person by nature, when I suddenly realized that if I had to explain that to the man I loved because he *didn't believe it*, then something was seriously seriously wrong.

 

I'm sure I sound crazy, but I'm not. I am so angry right now. I'm not even mad at him specifically I'm just so mad. At myself. But I guess at him too. He really eroded my sense of self - yes I let him I'll own that, but he did it. He had to diminish me so I'd believe in him and his crap. So angry. He could have just told the truth and I'd have worked with it.

 

I have to stop this is just word garbage. I want to leave all this here so I can be whole for the rest of my responsibilities. He's still the first thing I think of when I wake up. But I'm waking up pissed off lol. Other than that I just try to keep busy with work and home. I'm so mad. It's propelling me forward right now. I'm grateful for it. I know it will pass.

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You don't sound crazy at all. And you're not stupid. I feel your post tho. Having also been divorced. I was not willing to let my ex-husbands ills and the fact that he shattered my trust stop me from finding love and having a happy life. Then I met my ex, and it took me a long while to be in the relationship and he acted patient. I put myself out there. And I got bitten again, this time thankfully I did not make any heavy commitments and was only 2 yrs. My life would have been not happy realistically. I was holding on the potential life of the fantasies he was feeding me. But it was crap. I would have been lowering my standards and settling for a life of walking on eggshells and constant anger and emotional issues this man has. I also have my crazy stories, some I posted here...Some of the arguments made me doubt reality lol. I'm agreeing with all that say I dodged not a bullet, but a cannon ball.

 

You deserve to be happy. Look back on it not as a why, but as a way for it to teach you and learn. Now you know what to pick up on for the next guy to suss him out before getting in too deep.

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I was holding on the potential life of the fantasies he was feeding me. But it was crap. I would have been lowering my standards and settling for a life of walking on eggshells and constant anger and emotional issues this man has. I also have my crazy stories, some I posted here...Some of the arguments made me doubt reality lol. I'm agreeing with all that say I dodged not a bullet, but a cannon ball.

 

Oh so much yes. Like you were writing about my life. Thank you. I'm sorry for what you went through.

 

The anger is dissipating, which is too bad. Anger is a useful short term motivator for change.

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Day 3 - still angry but it is a much quieter sort of anger. A simmer or a pout. I'm tired and sucky. No work today so I'll probably catch up on housework, slowly, in ultra comfortable clothes. I dread in equal parts hearing from him and not. It would boost my ego to hear from him, but it won't be anything nice if he does message. Not "I'm sorry I've seen the errors of my ways, I am a fool, please please forgive me". It'll be some message that can upset me in ways I can't even imagine right now. Or worse, I'll never hear from him. Worse ego wise - this would be the best outcome. Ugh I hate this. I'm snowed in too (iced). Going to smoke too many cigarettes today, drink too much coffee, and set my house to order. That'll make me feel better.

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Made it through today nearly unscathed. There was a lot of forum surfing for the first half, then just busy the second half. I downloaded a new dating app for the distraction, but the fun went out of that when uploading a picture I found the one pic he sent me while he was away. Only pic I have of him and I couldn't bring myself to delete it.

 

I'm much calmer now. No real interest in dating despite the new app. I've had to get used to not having him once already, and I'm happy being single. I don't miss him nearly as much as the first breakup. I'm still super sad. I still miss him. It's just a bit of a duller ache.

 

I am afraid of what he might do to me in the future, if he's mad enough, but there's nothing I can do about it. So I try to not worry about it. He could rip me to shreds (and I expect he will) but I will hopefully never hear about it. Best case scenario is that the crap he's going to say about me never gets back to me.

 

Yeah I'm sad. It hits me when I'm not distracting myself. But I'm not destroyed. And thankfully, I'm not angry anymore and brooding on thoughts of him. It is such a relief to be able to forget about him for a while.

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Woke up seething after dreaming about him. That's so unfair after finding relief in not thinking about him during the day.

 

I started thinking about his ex. I think he treated / treats her the way he treated me. Only she's much younger than I am and they have a child. If he is doing this crap to her (which I don't know, just a feeling), this push pull always almost available, and he has so much to lose and so much more invested, then why why would he be different for me?

 

Yeah if I think about it, I wonder. She seemed to blow up at intervals. Like *maybe* she was frustrated with his bs? Could be me projecting. I don't really care I just have to leave this here. I'll never really know. All I'll ever know is that it didn't work.

 

Day 4. Still hurt, still angry, and a little worried he might get in touch - if he does it won't be anything nice. I wish I'd never met him.

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No contact it's SO HARD the firsts months. I've been NC since May but right now I don't even want to talk to him, so you will see that you won't want to talk to him either.

 

You know what truly helped me??? This video. Whenever I felt like reaching out to him (sometimes I still do) I listen to this lovely lady and that feeling fades. Hope it works for you too:

 

Hugs. Keep posting.

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You know what truly helped me??? This video.

 

Since may, that's super! Thanks for this video, I have already listened to it a couple times (sometimes my mind would drift thinking about him and I'd miss a bit) and it is great. I'll be listening to it again thanks again!

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Day 5 - only day 5? I do ok as long as I'm doing something. I have my kids this weekend so I have something to focus on that is positive. When I have a quiet minute then the feelings hit: disgust, shame, sadness, anger, self loathing. I haven't been letting myself drink. That would be a recipe for disaster right now. I have a well earned bender in the future when the newness has worn off.

 

I'm nervous about his eventual response. I can't believe he's going to let it go. He never lets anything go that anyone said or did against him. Which is why I am so angry at myself for losing my temper - now he'll feel justified to attack me. It may or may not be to my face. I am surprised at how afraid of him I am, seeing as he has never hurt me. He has threatened my security and livelihood but never followed through. I hope if it's coming to my face, it comes soon and I can get that part over with. Waiting for his response adds some stress.

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I'm updating too much, I don't want to put this much effort into this expired relationship. And during the day it's OK.

 

When it's quiet I think. I have been thinking about why I was with him. It couldn't have been love, so what was it?

 

I knew for a long time he wasn't right for me. Yes he did things to confuse me but I'm smarter than that, aren't I? Didn't I always know in the back of my head? So why did I hang on so long? It wasn't for love. What I felt wasn't love. So what was it?

 

I'm not sure if writing it all out is helping me or holding me back. I don't want to dwell on it. It makes me feel whiny and childish. But I have long ago stopped speaking about him to the people in my life.

 

If I didn't love him then why am I sad? Excuses. Maybe I'm using my sadness as an excuse to have a crappy day, messy house, not do my assignment, check out of social situations. Maybe I'm enabling myself to fail. Looking for that excuse. I don't know. I just want it to be months later and this to be over.

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I think there's no such thing as updating too much, Katara, especially when one's hurting like this. Writing/ journaling has always been therapeutic for me, I write in my journal several times during the day. It's not like I'm dwelling on it; there are just things/ feelings that need to be said/released during that moment, and I've found it to be therapeutic.

 

I even write down all my questions, that I know will never be answered. Writing them down on paper seems like I'm slowly getting them out of my system, and so is the need to find answers for those questions. I know I'll never get them. Or even if I do, it'll hardly matter by then.

 

Good luck, you're not alone in this journey.

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I think there's no such thing as updating too much, Katara, especially when one's hurting like this. Writing/ journaling has always been therapeutic for me, I write in my journal several times during the day. It's not like I'm dwelling on it; there are just things/ feelings that need to be said/released during that moment, and I've found it to be therapeutic.

 

I even write down all my questions, that I know will never be answered. Writing them down on paper seems like I'm slowly getting them out of my system, and so is the need to find answers for those questions. I know I'll never get them. Or even if I do, it'll hardly matter by then.

 

Good luck, you're not alone in this journey.

Yes the journalling helps, it's true. Thank you for sharing your experience and reminding me. I don't feel as sad this morning so something is working day 6. Almost one week done, starting to think I might not hear from the ex, which makes it easier to forget him.

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I'm glad I found your thread. It reminds me so much of what I'm going thru. Its a roller coaster of emotions. One day you're down and the next day you're up. Even during the same day your emotions can go from one extreme to the next. It may feel like it's making you crazy but it's all part of the process. Writing is a good release of your thoughts and like Cyssan mentioned, it's quite therapeutic. Stay strong sis!

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I'm glad I found your thread. It reminds me so much of what I'm going thru. Its a roller coaster of emotions. One day you're down and the next day you're up. Even during the same day your emotions can go from one extreme to the next. It may feel like it's making you crazy but it's all part of the process. Writing is a good release of your thoughts and like Cyssan mentioned, it's quite therapeutic. Stay strong sis!

I'm glad you found it too. One of the most grounding realizations is that my story and experience are not unique. It helps keep it in perspective. Hugs

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