Web of Lies

[PAdreamer]

I am getting married in about 7 weeks or so. My fiance has just moved into his apartment, and in one week I will be driving the three thousand miles to move in with him. By the time I get there, it will really only be about five weeks until the wedding. The problem is my family. They are VERY against the concept of living together before marriage- even if it's only for five weeks. So I've lied and told them that, when I get there, Aaron is going to go and stay with his mom.

 

This wouldn't have been a problem at all except that NOW my mom is saying that she wants to come out there a few weeks before the wedding and spend a weekend with me at my apartment! She's gonna know that Aaron is staying there too! I don't know what to do! I don't want my parents to be upset with us, but I just can't wait any longer to be out there!!!!!

[DN]

Choices:

1. Tell them the truth.

2. Get Aaron to agree to stay with his Mom as you said - it will only be for five weeks!

3. Have Aaron move to his Mom's place while your Mom is there - not recommended as this compounds the lie.

4. Wait to move out there until closer to the wedding.

[darkblue]

Two choices:

 

Get him to live somewhere else for the short time your parents are staying.

 

or: Come clean and take it from there.

 

With choice one, you'll still have it on your conscience and it will be hard to explain the masculine objects in your house..

 

You could also stay with a friend and say it's your room-mate.

 

The choice is yours.

 

Good luck and take care.

[misery12]

Why not just wait until your mom comes up, and say that Aaron is going to be moving in with you as well for the next few weeks, so she thinks that as soon as she arrives ,he is as well.

[Cynder]

I would tell them, you are an adult, what can they do about it. My parents have disapproved things I've done in the passed, but they can't stop me, so I have always been honnest.

[annie24]

I would tell your parents the truth, and just tell them to "deal with it." From my perspective, the second that a man proposes and a woman accepts, they have already committed to one another. To me, they are basically married, minus the paper and the ceremony. But that's just my point of view.

 

I would just say, "mom, dad, Aaron and I are adults, and we will be married shortly and will be living our own lives. Thank you for looking out for me, but we are a committed couple, and this is what we want to do - to move intogether for a few weeks to save money. Better than paying for a hotel for 5 weeks, no?"

 

Well.... that's what I would say anyways. Good luck!

[avman]

I'm with the tell the truth club. You are an adult. You can make your own choices. And I'm afraid you are eventually going to have to face the fact that your family will not always like the choices that you make. That's the way it goes.

 

Trying to maintain a false environment for weeks leading up to the wedding will only create extra stress in an already stressful situation. Frankly you just don't need the headache.

 

I lived with my fiancee for 4 months prior to our marriage. I knew my parents were against it, but I just told them it didn't make any sense to spend a whole bunch of money getting two apartments for 4 months. And while they weren't thrilled, they dealt with it. They even bought me a sofa sleeper "so I'd have something to sleep on until we were married". So ok, I wasn't TOTALLY honest - but they aren't stupid and they knew what was going on anyway. It made them feel better that at least tried to make the situation palatable to them.

 

SO tell them the plan. Let them vent. And then tell them to suck it up and get over it. You'll feel a lot better - trust me.

[PAdreamer]

See, I KNOW that I'm an adult and that they really don't have a say. That's not so much what I'm worried about. see, my parents have a rule. If they knew I was living with Aaron, they would cut me off, as it were. They wouldn't disown me, but they would not help with the wedding. Which wouldn't be a problem if the date wasn't so close! See, they are providing the clothing for the wedding party; there's no way we could arrange to have their clothing replaced at this point. I mean, it would just ruin EVERYTHING we have planned for the wedding!

 

I'm probably not making much sense... It's complicated. They already know that Aaron has moved his stuff to the apartment, so they won't be thrown off by seeing his stuff there. And I really hate pulling Aaron into this problem I created. Asking him to go along with it and disappear that weekend is so unfair to him. It puts him in a bad position...

[melrich]

Well you know your parents best. If that is what you think they would do (which I find a staggering response) then I think you are perfectly justified in hiding it from them. In fact I would not even feel guilty about it since such an over the top response really does not entitle them to the truth.

[PAdreamer]

I don't really think it's over the top. It's just that, since we were little my parents have let us know what their rule is: If we are in a relationship that goes against our beliefs, they will not support us financially at all. That doesn't mean they won't keep loving us or that they'll avoid us. It's just the money thing, and that includes any money they've spent on, oh say, making wedding clothing. LOL! I don't think it's over the top because I've always known how they feel, and it was my choice to have the relationship that I'm in. But they would be disappointed in me, and I hate that feeling.

[DN]

The problem is - how do feel about deceiving them for financial advantage? Would that bother your conscience at all? How disappointed would they be with you if they found out about it later? A sort of double whammy.

[ComputerGuy]

Kari, I seriously don't think that your parents are going to ruin your wedding because you make a choice that they don't agree with. They very well may be upset, they not like it, but I'm sure they'll get over it, and I'm sure they won't ruin your big day.