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How to get back in touch considering I'm blocked everywhere.


Grimlockkk

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We have not spoken in over a decade. She has very little social media, pretty sure most of them are just dead accounts. Pretty sure, she's not married, and no kids.

 

Basically, at the end of things I really screwed it up by acting clingy and needy. We broke up in high school, and went through an awkward on again / off again relationship in college. We had a fight with a tinge of never speak to me again, and I started sending novels in text about every regret ever between us. After that I maybe sent a text every couple of days to see if she was still angry with me. After leaving her alone for a long period of time she texted me. (six months) Went right back into the dynamic with me declaring feelings after the meeting.

 

She's an avoidant and I'm an anxious type; so, we essentially got stuck in a pursuit / flee dynamic. A couple of times we were definitely close to becoming an official couple again.

 

Since then I've gone through some serious therapy. I came out with greater awareness of mine and our issues. All we need to do is actually speak to each other, lay everything out, and just go from there. I feel like we'd still be together if we sought couple's counseling.

 

I could try getting around her block by making fake accounts. But, that's not going to work and it disrespects her anyways.

 

High school reunion seems like the best option. However, she quickly dropped most from high school. Don't know if she'll attend.

 

What is my best option for reconnecting?

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The question I can't help but ask is: Why the sudden, burning need to reconnect after a decade?

 

Most of us have a relationship from our youth—or two, or three—that went sideways a few different ways, and where we acted a bit foolish in trying to patch it all back together, got frisky in the gray zone, never quite achieved anything close to functionality. Curious why you feel you need to address this one, right now, especially considering your history was pretty fraught.

 

A lot of therapy is about learning to let go of the past, so we can take the lessons learned and apply them to the future: mistakes with old people lead to better connections with new people, and so on. This sounds a bit like you're wanting to validate your therapy and growth through her, a woman you haven't spoken to in so long that she's far more of an idea in your head (the "avoidant" diagnosis, etc.) than a person.

 

That said, it's generally pretty easy to find people. Google around, hit up some old high school friends over Facebook, give her parents a ring. Pretty doable. Question I'd still be focusing on is why do you feel this what you're supposed to be doing right now?

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I've always wanted to get back together. She's my type, which is extremely rare. I basically wanted a career with her, and the first serious relationship I had matched all of the check boxes I wanted in a long term relationship. During, those ten years I mourned the relationship and turned other relationships down. They just don't have the same feel, finding a replacement would work, but we're back at finding a relatively rare person. (might just be the fact they're introverted shutins)

 

I'm pretty sure she has BPD and an avoidant attachment style. That's from knowing her over the years, and meeting others that remind me of her.

 

I've got stuff to work on for grad school that takes precedent. This is just one of those relationships that sticks with you.

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I agree with Bluecastle, therapy is meant to be so that you can move on and learn why she ran the other way.

You're still caught up in the fantasy that she's "the one". You might feel that way, but she doesn't.

Getting in contact now, will be creepy and again stalkerish.

As a woman, I can tell you this would not be welcomed whatsoever.

If she decides to contact you or look for you, then you might have a chance

If that doesn't happen then it's going right back to the same pattern, you chasing.

Let it go already.

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I hear you.

 

I've had a few relationships that have stuck with me—with those early, formative ones producing some notably deep and sticky thorns—as I think most of us have had. Just think it's worth being able to recognize that a lot of who she is in your mind right now, and even what you guys shared many moons ago, is just that: your imagination spinning a story. Can't help but feel that somewhere in there is a kind of story of atonement, as in you feeling you could right past wrongs, or fill in the missing page of your story, if you could make this work. Or something.

 

Other thing to consider? If she has you blocked everywhere—well, that is often regarded as a sign that she does not share your feelings or your desire to reconnect, much the way I lock my doors at night to keep out strangers. I'm not trying to be a buzzkill, just trying to be a bit realistic. Her story about you may be very different than your story about her, and her story about who she is today may not be that of someone who wants to explore anything with someone from her high school years. Have you considered that? Have you considered that she does not consider herself BPD or "avoidant," and might not want to be around people who diagnosis her from afar as such?

 

I'm putting it in these terms—in terms of stories—because you're kind of talking about her as a character in a self-generated narrative more than a person out in the world who really has very little to do with your life. This is understandable, as our relationships always settle in our minds as stories; it's how we process them, come to peace with them, so we can reenter the present tense in which our lives are always unfolding. But connecting or reconnecting? That is a different business, one that requires two willing participants to see about writing a story together.

 

Why do you think she has you blocked? And if she has you blocked, why do you think this is the moment to reconnect?

 

I realize these are unlikely the kinds of words you want to hear right now. I'm a romantic, and a risk taker, and while my own exes have stayed in the past—or, in one case, evolved into a lifelong friendship—I have friends who have reconnected, one at my urging. Like you, he had a little itch that the timing might be right for them, and rolled those dice. But while they are married today with two children, I can assure you that he was not staking his life on that prospect when he reached back out. He was just seeing about a woman he once knew, and was curious to get to know again. I'm just not quite sure you're in that kind of headspace about her, so much as still spinning around, a bit, in a mental loop she triggered long ago.

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I've always wanted to get back together. She's my type, which is extremely rare. I basically wanted a career with her, and the first serious relationship I had matched all of the check boxes I wanted in a long term relationship. During, those ten years I mourned the relationship and turned other relationships down. They just don't have the same feel, finding a replacement would work, but we're back at finding a relatively rare person. (might just be the fact they're introverted shutins)

 

I'm pretty sure she has BPD and an avoidant attachment style. That's from knowing her over the years, and meeting others that remind me of her.

 

I've got stuff to work on for grad school that takes precedent. This is just one of those relationships that sticks with you.

 

She is now a grown woman and not the girl you knew. Do NOT contact her for any reason. And do not diangose her! She doesn't have an "avoidant disorder". Its common for people to label anyone not interested in them as "avoidant". She may have just wanted to give you the brush off and you didn't get the hint. She likely has found her voice now, is possibly married with a child - or even if not - does not want to hear from you.

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We have not spoken in over a decade. She has very little social media, pretty sure most of them are just dead accounts. Pretty sure, she's not married, and no kids.

 

Basically, at the end of things I really screwed it up by acting clingy and needy. We broke up in high school, and went through an awkward on again / off again relationship in college. We had a fight with a tinge of never speak to me again, and I started sending novels in text about every regret ever between us. After that I maybe sent a text every couple of days to see if she was still angry with me. After leaving her alone for a long period of time she texted me. (six months) Went right back into the dynamic with me declaring feelings after the meeting.

 

She's an avoidant and I'm an anxious type; so, we essentially got stuck in a pursuit / flee dynamic. A couple of times we were definitely close to becoming an official couple again.

 

Since then I've gone through some serious therapy. I came out with greater awareness of mine and our issues. All we need to do is actually speak to each other, lay everything out, and just go from there. I feel like we'd still be together if we sought couple's counseling.

 

I could try getting around her block by making fake accounts. But, that's not going to work and it disrespects her anyways.

 

High school reunion seems like the best option. However, she quickly dropped most from high school. Don't know if she'll attend.

 

What is my best option for reconnecting?

 

A lot of what I read, seemed to be the narrative from your perspective, without a lot insight into what her perspective is.

 

10 years has changed you both, in ways that you could never know or guess. You have zero insight into anything about her or her life.

 

You said:

"All we need to do is actually speak to each other, lay everything out, and just go from there. "

 

This stuck out to me, as something you have worked out as a natural conclusion to your own perspective. But you have no idea what she actually needs or what is happening in her life. There is no "we" in present tense.

 

And just because she is not married, it doesn't mean she is open to hearing from you. Its a giant leap from not married, to wanting to hear from a guy from high school.

 

I can honestly tell you, anyone from high school I want to be in contact with, I am in contact with. And I think most people, living in this world of social media, have similiar outlooks.

 

Your best option is to keep moving forward with your own life. Stop telling yourself your type is extremely rare. That is not only BS, its a self fulfilling prophecy.... the world is full of people. Don't limit yourself to just one.

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She has blocked you from social media because she does no want you in her life. Please respect that. Harsh for you to grasp, even after what you call serious therapy. Move on, don't contact her ever again.

 

Explore in therapy why you are obsessing about her now all these years later. It is not healthy. It does her no favors, nor yourself.

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She is now a grown woman and not the girl you knew. Do NOT contact her for any reason. And do not diangose her! She doesn't have an "avoidant disorder". Its common for people to label anyone not interested in them as "avoidant". She may have just wanted to give you the brush off and you didn't get the hint. She likely has found her voice now, is possibly married with a child - or even if not - does not want to hear from you.

 

She's definitely an avoidant. She had a pattern of engaging in avoidant behavior, and we'd fight about the fact she withdraws suddenly, and uses indirect communication techniques. It also comes down to me definitely being anxious and always wanting to process issues. It's a paradox, where the anxious partner has the keys to fix the relationship issue, but the avoidant won't accept there's a problem; till, the anxious partner drags them to therapy. She was also rather dismissive. We just did not have all the communication tools to address the issues.

 

The BPD thing comes down to her having a history of friendship / relationship implosion. Plus I had to witness some sudden mood shifts, like from manic adoration to throwing a tantrum over not being into a band she liked. Lots of stuff like this with extremes of hot and cold towards me.

 

I do not believe she has an official diagnosis of BPD. I'm just saying something along the lines of BPD fits the behaviors I experienced. Just rapid cycles of idealization and devaluation, which are extremely frustrating.

 

Both of them also make sense with her history. Early life trauma from losing a parent, and her having a strained relationship with her dad.

 

Well, she blocked me as I contacted her on Facebook ten years ago, after she stopped speaking to me. I wrote, "I can fix this." I just got back there's "nothing to fix." Sent her another message and she just blocked me. (I spent time in very intensive therapy for months) I wanted to explain a whole bunch I had learned about myself from attending therapy. (I still saw myself at fault for everything that went bad) Now, I'm left here holding the bag knowing things could have worked out, but it required skill sets neither of us had. She gave out the silent treatment fairly regularly, and even used it to make me think I was at fault.

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A lot of what I read, seemed to be the narrative from your perspective, without a lot insight into what her perspective is.

 

10 years has changed you both, in ways that you could never know or guess. You have zero insight into anything about her or her life.

 

You said:

"All we need to do is actually speak to each other, lay everything out, and just go from there. "

 

This stuck out to me, as something you have worked out as a natural conclusion to your own perspective. But you have no idea what she actually needs or what is happening in her life. There is no "we" in present tense.

 

And just because she is not married, it doesn't mean she is open to hearing from you. Its a giant leap from not married, to wanting to hear from a guy from high school.

 

I can honestly tell you, anyone from high school I want to be in contact with, I am in contact with. And I think most people, living in this world of social media, have similiar outlooks.

 

Your best option is to keep moving forward with your own life. Stop telling yourself your type is extremely rare. That is not only BS, its a self fulfilling prophecy.... the world is full of people. Don't limit yourself to just one.

 

I have nvld, which causes issues with understanding social signals. A symptom is lack of theory of mind. I don't know what she currently wants I'm just trying to figure out how to restore my name. I just need that inductive first step.

 

Again, she's not in contact with anyone from high school, as she keeps people at a distance. She felt comfortable keeping me around for a time. It's when I opened up to her, and she took me expressing deep connection to her as an attack.

 

There's a we in terms of how I relate to her. (I carry a copy and have conversations with the version of her I carry with me) I can leave her alone just fine. It's just from knowing her she's not exactly the type that reaches out.

 

The only options are getting mutual friends who have lost touch to vouch for me, or wait for the next high school reunion, which she most likely will not attend.

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I mean this with respect, but I think somewhere along the way you've kind of assigned this woman meaning that no human being actually has. I think, more to the point, that you've made her into a kind of vessel in which to work through your own issues, at least in theory, while in reality using her to avoid the full work out. Just my opinion here, of course, but I'm a big believer that when we go this deep in a psychological autopsy on another human being it's because we're trying to avoid a closer look at our own wiring.

 

Let's break down the facts, not the theories. She is someone you dated, when you were a teenager. You are now an adult, as is she. The world is filled—and I mean to the brim—with people whose adolescent relationships were a hot mess of love, attraction, insecurity, incompatibly, and immaturity, ending in a tragic little fire of regret and sorrow and self-recrimination. Is what it is—and therapy, all in all, is about learning to land on that spot. Was what it was.

 

You're writing about her as if you know her, understand her, perhaps even better than she understands herself, which can verge on arrogance. You see her emotional equilibrium, where it was affected by childhood trauma, resulting in x, y, and z. But that person you're talking about? She has not existed for years. Years. That's just your imagination, holding the prism of the past to the light and turning, turning, turning, looking at all the colors and cataloguing them. It's a good exercise to move forward, but a dangerous one if it keeps you suspended in a world where you're trying to bridge what was to what could be. Means you miss out on the truest experience of all, which is what is.

 

"There's nothing to fix," she said. Her truth. If my girlfriend, with whom I live with, said that to me this evening I would be crushed every which way to Sunday. I'd lose the plot for a good stretch, no doubt. But that truth of hers would eclipse whatever truth my brain wanted to produce, and my work—in therapy, say—would be about coming to terms with that, so instead of breaking the brain to fix what broke I could mend the heart to just be ready for something that works, in reality.

 

You seem to have a lot of familiarity with the language of psychology, so perhaps you're aware of the 5 stages of grief. I get the feeling that you've sidestepped the last stage (acceptance) by circling around the third (bargaining). There is comfort to that, of course, because it provides a sense that you are the key that can unlock all the gold, if only you can figure out a way back to the treasure chest that is her. But that comfort comes at a high cost, and perhaps it's time to see that toll rather than to see if you can fix something that never quite worked so you can find something that really does.

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Then you must realize that the person you once knew, is not the same person today. 10 years is a long time and you talk like you know her and that nothing has changed.

 

You two are virtually strangers at this point. Time changes things so much. I'm not sure anyone of us can say we are still the people we used to be 10 years ago.

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I mean this with respect, but I think somewhere along the way you've kind of assigned this woman meaning that no human being actually has. I think, more to the point, that you've made her into a kind of vessel in which to work through your own issues, at least in theory, while in reality using her to avoid the full work out. Just my opinion here, of course, but I'm a big believer that when we go this deep in a psychological autopsy on another human being it's because we're trying to avoid a closer look at our own wiring.

 

Let's break down the facts, not the theories. She is someone you dated, when you were a teenager. You are now an adult, as is she. The world is filled—and I mean to the brim—with people whose adolescent relationships were a hot mess of love, attraction, insecurity, incompatibly, and immaturity, ending in a tragic little fire of regret and sorrow and self-recrimination. Is what it is—and therapy, all in all, is about learning to land on that spot. Was what it was.

 

You're writing about her as if you know her, understand her, perhaps even better than she understands herself, which can verge on arrogance. You see her emotional equilibrium, where it was affected by childhood trauma, resulting in x, y, and z. But that person you're talking about? She has not existed for years. Years. That's just your imagination, holding the prism of the past to the light and turning, turning, turning, looking at all the colors and cataloguing them. It's a good exercise to move forward, but a dangerous one if it keeps you suspended in a world where you're trying to bridge what was to what could be. Means you miss out on the truest experience of all, which is what is.

 

"There's nothing to fix," she said. Her truth. If my girlfriend, with whom I live with, said that to me this evening I would be crushed every which way to Sunday. I'd lose the plot for a good stretch, no doubt. But that truth of hers would eclipse whatever truth my brain wanted to produce, and my work—in therapy, say—would be about coming to terms with that, so instead of breaking the brain to fix what broke I could mend the heart to just be ready for something that works, in reality.

 

You seem to have a lot of familiarity with the language of psychology, so perhaps you're aware of the 5 stages of grief. I get the feeling that you've sidestepped the last stage (acceptance) by circling around the third (bargaining). There is comfort to that, of course, because it provides a sense that you are the key that can unlock all the gold, if only you can figure out a way back to the treasure chest that is her. But that comfort comes at a high cost, and perhaps it's time to see that toll rather than to see if you can fix something that never quite worked so you can find something that really does.

 

Really, all we probably need is one mdma session to get us communicating again. (If she actually has BPD I'm hesitant to proposition it) I just need to figure out a way in. There's a Catch 22 here where I can't do anything to repair things between us, unless she takes a step, but she will only reach out to me if she's completely isolated. I'm fine with not dating, but I would want to if things workedout logistically.

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Then you must realize that the person you once knew, is not the same person today. 10 years is a long time and you talk like you know her and that nothing has changed.

 

You two are virtually strangers at this point. Time changes things so much. I'm not sure anyone of us can say we are still the people we used to be 10 years ago.

 

I don't really agree with that. I see it more as people don't really change. The circumstances around them might, but not the actual people. I've had friendships start up again, without missing a beat, and we went for years without talking.

 

This is just years of us miscommunicating. If anything she sees me as an unpleasant threat, as the other guys were more open to dating casually, while I dig up issues she'd rather avoid. (never spoke about the break up, despite maintaining close friendship for five years afterwards) I was always having to manage her emotions, and be very careful to avoid setting her off, or I was getting hit, silent treatment, unhelpful criticism, etc. Hell, we were getting into fights over her believing I was mocking her when I was just talking about issues we both share.

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Are you still seeing a therapist? If so, I’m curious what he or she says about your belief that you could get right back in track with her by dropping some mdma together. Most people, even those like myself with pretty liberal views about such substances, would be severely uncomfortable with the idea of someone from our past thinking we could be the answer to their future with a dose of a hard drugs.

 

I’m not sure you’ve realized it, since you’re doing the same thing to us internet strangers here, but you are negating her truth over and over in favor of yours, and in the process dehumanizing her, reducing her to an idea. It takes a tremendous amount of ego to believe we can understand a human being as well as you seem to believe you understand her, and even more ego when we are talking about someone we have had zero contact with in a decade. Learning to separate our ego from our head and heart—well, it’s another tightrope walk that therapy can be good for.

 

I wish you luck with all this, but I do hope you find luck in letting go of these stories. In the course of your life, you have spent very, very little time with this woman, and that time spent is verging on a half a lifetime ago. I get that she glows bright in your head, but you have more control over that spotlight than you know. It is lonesome in the dark, yes, but not quite as lonesome as trying to find your way with this sort of light.

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Are you still seeing a therapist? If so, I’m curious what he or she says about your belief that you could get right back in track with her by dropping some mdma together. Most people, even those like myself with pretty liberal views about such substances, would be severely uncomfortable with the idea of someone from our past thinking we could be the answer to their future with a dose of a hard drugs.

 

I’m not sure you’ve realized it, since you’re doing the same thing to us internet strangers here, but you are negating her truth over and over in favor of yours, and in the process dehumanizing her, reducing her to an idea. It takes a tremendous amount of ego to believe we can understand a human being as well as you seem to believe you understand her, and even more ego when we are talking about someone we have had zero contact with in a decade. Learning to separate our ego from our head and heart—well, it’s another tightrope walk that therapy can be good for.

 

I wish you luck with all this, but I do hope you find luck in letting go of these stories. In the course of your life, you have spent very, very little time with this woman, and that time spent is verging on a half a lifetime ago. I get that she glows bright in your head, but you have more control over that spotlight than you know. It is lonesome in the dark, yes, but not quite as lonesome as trying to find your way with this sort of light.

 

I'm saying from how the experience works in a therapeutic setting. A lot of damage can be undone with a mdma dose between two people. It would force us to empathize with each other. Of course, that would only be done if she wants to. I'm looking for ways to melt the barriers she erected. So, we're in a catch 22, also known as knowing something is possible, but not having access to the means of achieving it. (here it's willing to have a five minute conversation, and actually slowly address demons)

 

How am I supposed to disagree with your advice, without dehumanizing you? The BPD and avoidant thing is not just coming from me, but from knowing her very well. Did she have an official diagnosis, no. BPD just fits the behaviors, and bipolar doesn't really fit hourly mood shifts. I was perfect at a concert, but the second I missed a turn some vile disparaging language would be used for me. There were also little periodic tests given.

 

Essentially, we have extremely similar issues from our past. (talking about my personal problems she'll see herself in there) I have insight into what she's going through by being highly anxious and consciously aware of the types of thoughts her subconscious pushes out. (from reading up on avoidant attachment) Now, am I completely correct in my assessment of her. No. Will she admit I'm right? probably not. If we were still in a relationship she would recognize an unhealthy dynamic, but not see her culpability in prolonging it? Definitely. She clearly responded to the death of her mother by keeping people at a distance to prevent the same hurt. Would I say that to her? No, but I would recommend talking to a therapist about her relationship with her father. (she brought his porn in in high school) All I'm saying is whether she seeks treatment or not there's almost no way she's going to pull off a long term relationship with anyone. Yes, I do want to save her from a personal hell, as I feel I owe it to her out of duty from her helping me get through some difficult times.

 

How am I negating her truth, by trying to repair a damaged relationship we both let die? Again, she's an avoidant the truth she tells herself avoids uncomfortable feelings. With me being anxiously attached I'm literally in those feelings all day.

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"There's nothing to fix," she said. Her truth. If my girlfriend, with whom I live with, said that to me this evening I would be crushed every which way to Sunday. I'd lose the plot for a good stretch, no doubt. But that truth of hers would eclipse whatever truth my brain wanted to produce, and my work—in therapy, say—would be about coming to terms with that, so instead of breaking the brain to fix what broke I could mend the heart to just be ready for something that works, in reality.

 

If I had a live in girlfriend that said that to me I'd start a fight, and try to drag her to therapy. It's a difference in attachment. Plus, she gets really emotionally reactive. She's litterally the angriest person I have ever met.

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Get to a doctor MD for a complete evaluation. Get a referral to a licensed qualified psychologist. Take appropriate medications and followup therapy. She's right there is 'nothing to fix". You have a dangerous obsession which could lead to a restraining order if you act out on it.

I just got back there's "nothing to fix." Sent her another message and she just blocked me.
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Get to a doctor MD for a complete evaluation. Get a referral to a licensed qualified psychologist. Take appropriate medications and followup therapy. She's right there is 'nothing to fix". You have a dangerous obsession which could lead to a restraining order if you act out on it.

 

Except, I don't. How is it dangerous to want to get back together with the woman I love?

 

You do understand she was abusive in the relationship. Hitting me, and encouraging suicide. I was too, but more in the guilt tripping sense. I was trying to stop the issues with maladaptive behaviors learned from my parents. (buying stuff, guilt tripping, etc)

 

Sure, I can leave her alone, which I do. (the last thing I want to do is cause distress for her) I guess the only option is high school reunion, or get a friend to contact her ex-best friend, (she has a few) and see how things are between them.

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Get to a doctor MD for a complete evaluation. Get a referral to a licensed qualified psychologist. Take appropriate medications and followup therapy. She's right there is 'nothing to fix". You have a dangerous obsession which could lead to a restraining order if you act out on it.

 

I do not understand why the advice is just leave her alone, and move on. I still dream about her. Those dreams are clearly about her.

 

I just want to know how to re-establish trust, and take things slow.

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