ilovehimwhywhy Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 So here I'm 2019 basically four years into my relationship. I love my boyfriend we have talked about marriage. He started the talk and always say when we move in or this or that. Then he finally moved out of his parents house they sold house they where living in. I helped him move out we where soo excited. He even told others I was gonna move in with him. Forward now he been living on his own for a few months now like half a year now. He said how about we start buying other stuff we need for when we get married and move in once I get my taxes. I agreed to it thinking that is soon I got so excited. After all our talks we where gonna finally het legally married and move in couldn't be better. Now the thing he told me two weeks ago was this maybe we should wait until I get a bigger place for you to move in. Here is the annoying part I been trying to land a job closer to him he isn't super far but I want to be more local. I was like wow ok so I don't know shall I just stay home with my parents or what? I feel like a yoyo . Like I know he loves me with all his heart but lately I feel like now he afraid , scared to start this new chapter while im ready. Yes It is a scary though he never lived with anyone else but his mother and he doesn't believe in divorce but common. I don't know what to do. How did he go from being super excited to being not sure now. ITs been 4 years going back and fard. Ir confuses me because he even gave me a key to the apartment he said in past your gonna be living here soon anyways mineswhile have a key. Now he acting like I don't know what to think. We have bought things for apartment dishes everything together we have basically put together that apartment together but now he acting like this. I asked him recently is it you don't want me to move in if that's it u can just say so or you just tired of me. He reashured me never would he let me go that he loves me with all his heart. So I'm lost as in what to think. Sorry if this seems confusing. Other thing I forgot to add he the one who like a month ago asked me if I was ready to move in that he was ready. Then now he acting like he wants to wait. So I don't know many little things. I don't know anymore. Link to comment
smackie9 Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 Let him live on his own for a bit more, and spend the weekends there to get yer feet wet....BUT do not do his laundry, cook his meals or clean the place. Since that is HIS apartment ATM, and since he is hesitant about you moving in, let him get a good dose of reality first. He needs to learn to cook and clean for himself. If you have already started to do those things, shame on you. You are just enabling him. Secondly, you should never purchase a thing until you are actually moved in. You just bought stuff for him, you are not there to use it. Don't put the cart before the horse. Have open dialog with him. How you feel, what your expectations are, and what you have observed so far. Oh and go by his actions, not what comes out of his mouth...talk is cheap. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 how old are you two? You've been together for 4 years, but if you two are really young, I understand why he would be hesitant to take the next step. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 This is typical - women want to move in and get married, but men want things to stay the same. He's dragging his feet. Two years is plenty of time to decide if you want to live together and get married - and here it is 4 years later. You may have to try tough love. Cut off sex and then when he sees how being deprived feels, when he sees how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot, then he will say, "What's wrong!?" That's your cue to explain it to him - then he will be ready to really listen and move this relationship forward. Many women want to live together, get married, and have kids - if you want to play with women guys, you need to know the rules. And if you think what I'm suggesting is harsh - there is a life coach on the internet that says you should date and sleep with other men - but I don;t advocate cheating, that's just plain wrong. Link to comment
ilovehimwhywhy Posted March 31, 2019 Author Share Posted March 31, 2019 he is 31 and im 31 we both just turned 31 years old. He had lived with his parents to help them with rent a while then moved back out when they sold the house. Link to comment
ilovehimwhywhy Posted March 31, 2019 Author Share Posted March 31, 2019 how old are you two? You've been together for 4 years, but if you two are really young, I understand why he would be hesitant to take the next step. we are both 31 Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 31 is prime time for you to get married. Do you want kids? If so, how many? Link to comment
SGH Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 I disagree with Gary. I don't think passive aggressive behavior will make your boyfriend want to commit to you in a time of uncertainty. He's likely to dump you if you start using sex as a weapon (and be completely justified in doing so). I think people tend to actually have a pretty good sense of what they want a lot of the time. Something about the state of your relationship is making him question if he is ready to go all in or not. I am not suggesting people pleasing, but I am suggesting working on strengthening the relationship where it's weak and see if that has any impact. Only he knows if he sees a future with you and why that is. I guess I'm just more in favor of honest communication about the subject, rather than trying to manipulate him into wanting to move in and get married. At the end of the day, you really don't want to marry a person who isn't sure about you. Link to comment
Annia Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 Yes, mind games and manipulations when they work, they only work temporarily. The issues are still there and the person is still not sure when the reason why they accept doing something is due to push and pull games. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 Don't use sex as a manipulation tool. It in an extraordinarily unhealthy strategy, so I hope you will discount that suggestion. It is not ultimately going to help this situation or address the underlying issue. Something is up with him. He was looking forward to this, asked you if you were ready because he was, and now is backing away. If he feels he will need a bigger place before you move in, you are probably going to be waiting a while. When will his lease be up for renewal? He may just want some time to live on his own, which he didn't realize before he'd actually moved out. If he's always lived with his parents, he's just now getting his first taste of independence. Or, he may be stalling because he is not ready to commit further to you. Either way, you two need to have a talk. It's not simply about him loving you, but whether you are still on the same timeline or can meet in the middle on one. He's changed the goalposts here, so I would communicate with him about how confusing this is and when he envisions you two moving forward together. He can't realistically expect you to have welcomed the news that he's changed his mind about you moving in, but don't go into the conversation with the guns out. Open the floor for an honest talk, even if you hear things you don't like. Link to comment
RayofLighten Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 Look, there is nothing wrong here. Forget about manipulation or mind games or any crap like that. Now that he lives alone for the first time in his life (bear in mind he's 31 and lived with his parents until now), he's had a taste of independent living and it's dawned on him that moving in together is a big move. He just wants more time to settle into his own that's all. Give him time, let him find his feet then you can start making plans to move in when he is ready. I don't think you have anything to worry about at all. Link to comment
RayofLighten Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 This is typical - women want to move in and get married, but men want things to stay the same. He's dragging his feet. Two years is plenty of time to decide if you want to live together and get married - and here it is 4 years later. You may have to try tough love. Cut off sex and then when he sees how being deprived feels, when he sees how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot, then he will say, "What's wrong!?" That's your cue to explain it to him - then he will be ready to really listen and move this relationship forward. Many women want to live together, get married, and have kids - if you want to play with women guys, you need to know the rules. And if you think what I'm suggesting is harsh - there is a life coach on the internet that says you should date and sleep with other men - but I don;t advocate cheating, that's just plain wrong. Read it again Gary. He was the one always pushing for marriage and for them to move in together. Not her. Your advice about tough love, cutting off sex etc is only going to cause complications in their relationship. This is really bad advice, and your comments are somewhat sexist. Link to comment
ilovehimwhywhy Posted April 1, 2019 Author Share Posted April 1, 2019 Don't use sex as a manipulation tool. It in an extraordinarily unhealthy strategy, so I hope you will discount that suggestion. It is not ultimately going to help this situation or address the underlying issue. Something is up with him. He was looking forward to this, asked you if you were ready because he was, and now is backing away. If he feels he will need a bigger place before you move in, you are probably going to be waiting a while. When will his lease be up for renewal? He may just want some time to live on his own, which he didn't realize before he'd actually moved out. If he's always lived with his parents, he's just now getting his first taste of independence. Or, he may be stalling because he is not ready to commit further to you. Either way, you two need to have a talk. It's not simply about him loving you, but whether you are still on the same timeline or can meet in the middle on one. He's changed the goalposts here, so I would communicate with him about how confusing this is and when he envisions you two moving forward together. He can't realistically expect you to have welcomed the news that he's changed his mind about you moving in, but don't go into the conversation with the guns out. Open the floor for an honest talk, even if you hear things you don't like. This is true I love your advice. I mean he communicates every day with me and night. From phone calls and video chats to facebook chat non stop. We always hang out every week we work around our work schedules some weeks we have more days free to see each other others a few. He always make sure he sees me since we are like a hr away with traffic. Just this past Friday this week he came my way and we took a trip together not a far one but we went to the Los Angeles zoo which ended up being over a hr drive we went to zoo all day ate had a ball. We went walking around this new mall we discovered the Glendale outside mall. We spend all day together. We usually do since we don't have much time to see each other because our work schedules. Another thing is he actually gave me a key over a month ago he said here your going to be living here soon anyways . That's what trips me out the most him giving me a key. He lets me come and go as I please to apartment. When I visit he well say stuff like just let your self in if I don't answer or just come in. He totally open with everything with me just that part the way he acting about what all I said. He very open if he ever even hangs with a group where there is women even if its church friends. He super open and honest with me never lies always completlly open. Just this I feel like he just maybe wants space. He does talk about future other things like his parents are moving back out of state and he like we can always visit them together. So he does talk about us visiting in near future his family. He did include me in a picture on Christmas this past Christmas he took me to meet his brothers wife he said he wanted me to meet her so it wont be ackward later on lol. I got to wet my feet with a Christmas dinner with his family lol. It was interesting I have had been in groups and events with his family but not for Christmas dinner. He even posted a pict we took together on his facebook naming it my family picture. So that's all a bit more about my relationship. Link to comment
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