Is it normal to go dark for the holidays (online dating)?

[LiteWait]

+50 here….new to online dating, but I was trading messages with two women who seemed interested in me.

 

They both went dark on Christmas eve and haven’t responded yet. Obviously not going to double message them.

 

Is this common practice, because 1. people get busy during the holidays 2. they don’t want to look desperate or something ?

 

Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds par for the course. Just send them a quick happy holidays note to get back on the radar.

I was trading messages with two women who seemed interested in me.

 

They both went dark on Christmas eve and haven’t responded yet. Obviously not going to double message them.

[katrina1980]

Agree with Wiseman. It's on line dating, easier to take risks like double texting.

 

If no response to second text, then move on; you should be chatting and setting up meets with lots of women anyway.

 

Build up your options, that way you won't become fixated on the ones who don't respond..

[LiteWait]

Ok I'll bite. I think the one I am really interested in read my message xmas eve AM. I do know enough to know she has a big family, she did view me again on xmas eve and xmas day. I did view her today so if she has an eye on the site she will see it.

 

Sound like a 15 yr old girl, I know :-|

 

I think I will wait till tomorrow and reach out, something like: "Hey ____, hope you enjoyed the holidays with your family..." and then what??? , last I left it was a question to her about her next "big" trip she had planned, as I told her New Zealand is where I was thinking of going.

[pippy longstocking]

Online dating is a bit of a nightmare .....I would walk away from any expectations with those two and move onto messaging others ..if either get back to you , then fine ..but for now ...just move on . You don't owe anyone any commitment at this this stage buddy .

[Andrina]

As far as I'm concerned, the ball is in their courts to eventually reply, and if they don't, oh well. People often have out of town visitors and/or are hosting family meals and get togethers, and have little time for anything else.

 

As an aside, having done OLD for several years in the past, just some pointers if you're not already doing these things: Date locally, no more than a 45 minute drive. Meet within two weeks of communicating. The reality comes in with the physical meeting--chemistry, etc. I hope you find someone great in 2019.

[Starlight925]

Treat all of this as just words on a screen, not people. Treat them as people once you’ve met.

 

Right now, it’s just messages. You have no idea if these are catfish (completely inaccurate profiles), spam/foreigners just looking for money, or whatever.

 

Wish them a happy holiday season later this week, and if you don’t hear back, move on.

 

I’m a mid 50’s female, and I completely get your frustration. It’s just how it is out there online, I’m sorry to say.

[katrina1980]

If/when you send that second text, stop with the chit chat and cut to the chase -- ask to meet!

 

If she hems and haws, has excuses, then move on.

 

Don't waste time with those who don't want to meet, preferably soon.

[bluecastle]

With OLD it's just generally normal—not merely a holiday thing—for people to go light and dark.

 

There is zero point to figuring out why. Maybe they got busy with family or work or, sure, the holiday whirl. Maybe they got distracted by 100 other people they're talking to on the app. Maybe they had a weekend fling that really sucked, or they fell in love. Maybe their cat got a UTI.

 

None of that matters. What matters is you're still curious, so be curious.

 

I agree with Katrina that the second text, or next text, or whatever, should just cut to the chase: "Hope you had a great holiday. What do you say about continuing this chat in person? How's about a coffee or a glass of wine soon?"

 

Then you get your information—done. The stakes are so low. If they stay dark, if they hem and haw—who cares? I mean, it's not even rejection. It's just the world of OLD.

[LiteWait]

Ok folks, all great information, Thank You. The plan with the one I am really interested in is to message her tomorrow for meet in person. I'll sit on the other one, I asked her to meet already and she hasn't even read the message, so all seems normal there.

 

Ok just to help initiate me into the OLD world, something else makes no sense to me. I sent a thoughtful initial messages a couple of women who seemed to be within my wheelhouse, they didn't reply. But then a few weeks later they are viewing my profile. What's up with that? Again, don't really care if they don't message me, I get the game, but why are they coming back after the fact and viewing me? My assumption is women get so many messages compared to men they just filter out ones they aren't interested in right off the bat.

[maew]

Ok folks, all great information, Thank You. The plan with the one I am really interested in is to message her tomorrow for meet in person. I'll sit on the other one, I asked her to meet already and she hasn't even read the message, so all seems normal there.

 

Ok just to help initiate me into the OLD world, something else makes no sense to me. I sent a thoughtful initial messages a couple of women who seemed to be within my wheelhouse, they didn't reply. But then a few weeks later they are viewing my profile. What's up with that? Again, don't really care if they don't message me, I get the game, but why are they coming back after the fact and viewing me? My assumption is women get so many messages compared to men they just filter out ones they aren't interested in right off the bat.

 

This isn’t exclusive to gender, any of these things.... once you have been OLD for awhile you will start to do the same. Personally I find OLD takes a lot of mental effort and emotional energy so if I am tired or busy and need to focus I don’t go online at all.

 

If they haven’t responded to you it could be for any reason... just let it go and move on... if they do respond down the road it’s just a bonus!

[reinventmyself]

Outside of of online dating and the effort that it takes to engage strangers, there are more important things in life at times.

Such as the holidays.

So, yes. It's common for people to have other things going on and put this on a back burner for the time being.

[bluecastle]

Ok folks, all great information, Thank You. The plan with the one I am really interested in is to message her tomorrow for meet in person. I'll sit on the other one, I asked her to meet already and she hasn't even read the message, so all seems normal there.

 

Ok just to help initiate me into the OLD world, something else makes no sense to me. I sent a thoughtful initial messages a couple of women who seemed to be within my wheelhouse, they didn't reply. But then a few weeks later they are viewing my profile. What's up with that? Again, don't really care if they don't message me, I get the game, but why are they coming back after the fact and viewing me? My assumption is women get so many messages compared to men they just filter out ones they aren't interested in right off the bat.

 

Again, I think the way to approach those secondary questions is to stop asking them.

 

In my opinion, the only way to do the whole OLD thing is to allot a very, very small piece of your mental and emotional bandwidth to it, no matter how many people you're talking to or not. Like, yes, these are real people—just like you!—but until you're face to face they're just constructs and projections.

 

The one you're "really interested in," for instance—no, you are not really interested in her, just like I am not really interested in any of the 24 people I matched with last week, including the four I have plans to meet and who were fun to chat with.

 

What you are interested in is the story of her that you've constructed based on some photos and a brief exchange, and it's important to remember that so you don't invent feelings that aren't there, so you don't analyze the digital habits of a digital projection, so you don't invent a game that no one is actually playing; that's too much stimulus—false stimulus—for the ol' emotional bandwidth.

 

If you meet her you can test that story a bit, allow some real interest to expand along the bandwidth. If she's not down for even that—well, what's to even be really interested in?

 

And, sure, women probably match with more men than men match with women. But it's not a gender thing, as maew said. Do it enough and you'll find yourself ignoring someone for no reason whatsoever, then circling back to that person's profile, also for no reasons whatsoever. It's all kind of icky, at least if you dedicate too much thought to it. Key to keeping it pure is to reserve those brain cells for the 3D world.

[lostandhurt]

Get thicker skin and stop trying to figure out why someone ghosted you, read your message and didn't reply even though they keep checking out your profile, get along great and even talk on the phone and then disappear. have a few dates and then ghost you and on and on.

 

This is the nature of online dating. The next best thing may be right around the corner for some people so they never really go all in. These are the ones to avoid. You will learn as you go but you will still get stuck scratching your head pretty often.

 

As far as going dark you really have little to lose other than a few keystrokes and some minutes out of your life by sending one more message. "HI ______, well the holidays are over and things are getting back to normal in my life so why don't we meet for coffee and get to know each other better" or something along those lines. If she responds great but if she doesn't just let it go and move on. No parting message, no blocking, just move on to the next prospective woman.

 

Lost

[Sportster2005]

+50 here….new to online dating, but I was trading messages with two women who seemed interested in me.

 

They both went dark on Christmas eve and haven’t responded yet. Obviously not going to double message them.

 

Is this common practice, because 1. people get busy during the holidays 2. they don’t want to look desperate or something ?

 

Thanks.

 

Set the expectation now, women(presumably men) will stop messaging abruptly, and without giving a reason. Ultimately, the reason is simple. They've exercised their right to change their mind. It's very common online. It is possible they took a break for Xmas. If they come back, great. If they don't, move on the next. Repeat as necessary.

 

If you find it rude, wait until you politely say no to someone in a message and you get flamed. Some people don't take even the slightest rejection well. I think this why it's become so acceptable to just drop conversations online. I've been flamed, called names etc. I eventually stopped responding to someone if I lost interest. No explanation. If they demanded one, that's what the block button if for.

[Wiseman2]

According to dating site data, peak season for dating sites is Dec 26- Feb 14. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2016/01/01/its-high-season-for-online-dating-plot-your-moves-carefully/?utm_term=.21dfdabe7517

[LiteWait]

Ok. Decided to double message as what's the harm:

 

___, hope you enjoyed the holiday.

Seems to me we’ve traveled different roads ending up heading in the same direction. Sure we’d learn more about each other in ten minutes in person than we could messaging.

I’d love to drive up and meet you for coffee or drink…what do you think?

 

Comments?

[bluecastle]

Zero harm.

 

You were at zero prior to sending, will be at zero if you hear nothing. If she replies—and here's the key—that means you traveled from zero to .00000000001.

 

Keep that perspective and it's smooth sailing. Exterior skin stays thick, heart stays open.

 

In terms of the note, just my two cents, but next time you can be less formal and poetic (unless the roads being traveled is a reference to something earlier in your chat).

 

Something like: "Hope all's well in your world and that you had a good holiday. I'd love to continue this chat over coffee or a drink. What's your schedule like?"

[Wiseman2]

👍 Works all the way around. Gets to the point, invites them to meet in person and if there's no reply in a reasonable time frame, rules them out.

___, hope you enjoyed the holiday.

Seems to me we’ve traveled different roads ending up heading in the same direction. Sure we’d learn more about each other in ten minutes in person than we could messaging.

I’d love to drive up and meet you for coffee or drink…what do you think?

[catfeeder]

Is it normal to go dark for the holidays (online dating)?

 

Yes, considering that holidays are usually devoted to family and friends, while perfect strangers on the Internet don't fall into that focus.

 

Some people are fond of mass messaging holiday cheer, while others leave their phones in their purses or on tables or are busy taking pictures with them.

 

I wouldn't personalize lack of contact from strangers--they're strangers. Either someone wants to meet up for a quick coffee to check one another out or not, but the holidays are not a great time to work that in.

[ManyDates]

Very normal, nobody wants to be the loner on match.com on Christmas day - but January 2nd+ is online dating peak season for a few weeks, so use it to your advantage.

[Sportster2005]

Ok. Decided to double message as what's the harm:

 

___, hope you enjoyed the holiday.

Seems to me we’ve traveled different roads ending up heading in the same direction. Sure we’d learn more about each other in ten minutes in person than we could messaging.

I’d love to drive up and meet you for coffee or drink…what do you think?

 

Comments?

 

I think it's excellent.

[LiteWait]

Well it worked, got her to do a bit of self-disclosure in that her hesitation was distance (couple hours away) even though we both work mobile and I am not tied at all to where I live now (actually her area was one in the mix to relocate to). Made a meet-up time for this week, next problem I haven't dated since my divorce (5 years) now that should test my resolve!

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Have fun. Make it about a sort of get to know you meet. Don't talk about your past, divorce, ex etc, except if asked answer as briefly as possible. Where are you going to meet if there is a 2 hr difference?

Made a meet-up time for this week, next problem I haven't dated since my divorce (5 years)

[DaisyMayPorter]

Ok. Decided to double message as what's the harm:

 

___, hope you enjoyed the holiday.

Seems to me we’ve traveled different roads ending up heading in the same direction. Sure we’d learn more about each other in ten minutes in person than we could messaging.

I’d love to drive up and meet you for coffee or drink…what do you think?

 

Comments?

 

I would come meet you if you wrote that to me. Maybe leave out the “seems to me... line but otherwise it’s great.

 

Just remember that these people barely know you and you didn’t know them a week ago, so no one owes anyone anything.

 

But good luck! I think what you said above is great!