Too much to ask?

[shineyboot]

My situation probably might seem petty to some but it has left me very sad. Probably a result of all the loss and comings and goings with relationships this year, something I am trying to work on next year.

 

So I had a few dates with a man from work, all went well for about two of them but the next three things changed he got really flakely, not communicating, busy... you know the deal. Just to say that it wasn't a relationship, nothing happened. We didn't discuss what it was, when I raised the topic he looked uncomfortable. So I told him I didn't wish to continue as it was upsetting me, being treated so casually. I told him I need someone who shows me a bit more interest.

 

I got nothing in response. Weeks go by, nothing.

 

Today I texted him (I know probably shouldn't have) just a 'smoothing over text' as I work with him and will see him in January. I said I enjoyed the times, the communication wasn't all that and neither of us really seemed that keen so I wanted to put my time into other things. Again nothing.

 

Is it too much to ask just for a 'thanks but bye' text, I work with the man. It seems quite rude to me.

[MissCanuck]

It's not too much to ask for, but we can only control our own responses to others' behaviour.

 

Let his complete silence be your confirmation that he was absolutely not the right man for you. Be professional when you see him at work, but don't engage on a personal level anymore.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, his silence is his answer. It would be best to delete and block him and if you see him at work, act polite and professional. Consider dating guys in the New Year, who do in fact want a relationship with you. Don't chase an office fling who is not interested.

I told him I need someone who shows me a bit more interest.

 

I got nothing in response. Weeks go by, nothing.

 

Today I texted him Again nothing.

[shineyboot]

Thanks, I know he is pathetic but still shocked how much so. I was once friends with the man.

[j.man]

Thanks, I know he is pathetic but still shocked how much so. I was once friends with the man.

No one said this.

 

I said I enjoyed the times, the communication wasn't all that and neither of us really seemed that keen so I wanted to put my time into other things.

That's not a "smoothing over" text. You repeated your "break-up" text. I would have rolled my eyes and gotten right back to my day if I were him, too.

 

You had a handful of dates over two months, IIRC. There's nothing to smooth over. Just be a professional and don't bother with the dramatic texts.

[Seraphim]

I would NEVER NEVER NEVER date at work. My brother is currently caught in an abusive relationship ( abusive to him) with someone he works with who threatens his career on a weekly basis.

 

Avoid that like the bubonic plague.

 

Funny enough though in our current electronic society most people are pretty rude . I see it on an hourly basis .

[Annia]

One of the most liberating things I've learned on my dating life was to always take silence as an answer. Silence is an answer and a closure by it self

No need for more.

 

Also something important is that though rejection sucks, we shouldn't resent people for not wanting the same as us, specially in the first stages of dating. And though I'd also like a direct "I don't think this will work, bye", I don't think it's that big of a deal if someone simply goes the silence route if there has been just some dates. It's not like it's a relationship that needs a break up conversation.

 

Also like Seraphim said, avoid work flings. It turns situations that would otherwise be simple messier than they have to be.

 

At this point it's probably your ego that is bruised. Go no contact and act professionally with him and you'll be fine in no time.

[boltnrun]

Are you sure you weren't trying to give him "one more chance" to choose to continue to date you?

[shineyboot]

I don't know. I thought after some time has passed he might just say something along the lines of goodbye so I can move on. I don't need it to move on, I get that.

[shineyboot]

Fed up of the one looking stupid because I like to communicate and he won't. When will I learn.

[shineyboot]

Yes I liked him but he was pathetic.

[shineyboot]

Why do I still want to hear from someone so pathetic I have no idea.

[Hollyj]

Why was he pathetic?

[figureitout23]

I agree.

 

You keep doing this too, unless its the same guy from November.

 

You gotta take responsibility for yourself eventually, stop doing things that are hurting you emotionally and telling yourself you're fine. I say this with absolutely no disrespect but it just seems like you're doing this to yourself. You keep letting your anxiety run the show. So you push these men away in a panic and when they dont sooth your anxiety, its magnified. And if they do sooth your anxiety youre kinda like 'ok what now?'

 

This is just my personal opinion, but I think if you want to be successful in dating you have to work on yourself, we attract what we put out, if youre showing anxious, dramatic, fearful and distrust, it will push people away.

[Hollyj]

You get emotionally over invested in people. You only went out five times. You should not have raised the topic. You need to slow your roll.

 

You also should not have sent the text. His actions were all you needed.

[milly007]

As soon as this guy began to flake, not respond, say he was busy, I would have backed-off completely and walked away. Wouldn’t have looked back.

 

Expecting any sort of explanation from someone who acts this way is too much to ask, unfortunately.

 

I understand why you feel hurt, I really do.

 

But his flaking, silence, etc., is all you really needed to know - it speaks volumes.

 

Texting him after the fact and wanting some sort of closure, explanation (however you want to phrase it), is a complete and utter waste of your time and energy.

 

If you ever find yourself in a situation like this again, just walk away.

[katrina1980]

 

I told him I need someone who shows me a bit more interest.

I got nothing in response. Weeks go by, nothing.

 

Today I texted him (I know probably shouldn't have) just a 'smoothing over text' as I work with him and will see him in January. I said I enjoyed the times, the communication wasn't all that and neither of us really seemed that keen so I wanted to put my time into other things.

 

Again nothing.

 

Is it too much to ask just for a 'thanks but bye' text, I work with the man.

 

It seems quite rude to me.

 

 

Given what you texted, I don't think it was rude at all.

 

What did you expect him to say, both those texts were very negative, essentially rejecting him.

 

I don't know of any man who would have responded and your second text was competely unnecessary, you already spoke your piece in your first.

 

Not saying you weren't right to reject, clearly he was not interested either, but those texts were overkill of what was already obvious, and frankly imo did not require a response.

[katrina1980]

As soon as this guy began to flake, not respond, say he was busy, I would have backed-off completely and walked away. Wouldn’t have looked back.

 

But his flaking, silence, etc., is all you really needed to know - it speaks volumes.

 

If you ever find yourself in a situation like this again, just walk away.

 

Moving forward, next time you date a man who displays same flakey behavior, this ^^ would be the correct response.

 

Your silence sends a much stronger message than your two texts did.

[figureitout23]

I completely agree with you both but milly

 

As soon as this guy began to flake, not respond, say he was busy, I would have backed-off completely and walked away. Wouldn’t have looked back.

 

Practice what you preach girlfriend.

[milly007]

I completely agree with you both but milly

 

 

 

Practice what you preach girlfriend.

 

Not sure what you mean, FIO?

 

Please clarify

[j.man]

Yes I liked him but he was pathetic.

I'd strongly discourage you from falling into the habit of needing to bitterly regard men lowly in order to cope with them not being interested in you. While purely anecdotal, I've never met a woman who was like that and who wasn't perpetually single or in unhappy relationships with lower quality men who will tolerate them.

 

This guy didn't need a rhyme or reason to not be into you, just as you didn't and don't to stop seeing him. A guy can be a perfectly decent guy while not wanting to progressively date you or respond to overly dramatic non-relationship breakup texts. And I can tell you as a guy who's been there and done that with women who send texts like your initial one (and the pretty much identical twin that was your second), there is no correct answer other than, "Sorry. I'm a big jerk. Let me make it up to you."

 

I have zero doubt had he said, "OK, best of luck to you," you'd have hit right back with, "w0w that's all you have to say?" or "I guess you really are like all the others" or at the very least wouldn't be here complaining about it all the same. Sometimes it's better for guys (and gals, for that matter) to spare themselves the further drama that's pending their response. Try not to assume the worst of people should they not fall in with your expectations.

 

I hope you'll take advantage of the fresh start coming this new year and evaluate your perspectives and expectations of dating. And while I don't at all think you're a basket case, if your benefits package includes counseling of some sort, it might be worth booking a session or two just to have someone point you to the right path.

[figureitout23]

Not sure what you mean, FIO?

 

Please clarify

 

Nevermind. I misspoke.

[milly007]

Deleted...

[figureitout23]

Please see edited response.

[maew]

Yes I liked him but he was pathetic.

 

No he wasn't... he was simply dis-engaging from you and going no contact after you broke it off with him to avoid further drama. Something we advise people to do all the time on here.