Jump to content

Will I ever reconcile with my ex


MittensPR

Recommended Posts

I have read various tips and techniques to try and win your ex back but I am unsure whether to apply this in my situation..

 

Since about 2-3 months ago my ex and I became very distant, we were constantly arguing and disagreeing and his family would always get involved and put me down about my weight and how I was as a person, baring in mind I used to be at the family home constantly and help out with hospital appointments, shopping and being a general taxi I guess lol !

 

The family and his close friend would constantly twist conversations and make me look like a bad person or a psycho and tell him how much he would be better off without me, which eventually got too much for me. I felt insecure and drained and felt he never understood how I felt because he never experienced this with me.

 

I then started a new job and was around this guy constantly at work and started to develop some sort of attraction to him, he was saying and doing all the things my ex wasn't. I felt myself starting to compare them both and talk myself out of love with my ex. I said if he felt like he would be better off with someone else he should go, which is how I was feeling at the time.

 

Fast forward to the present, I never ever did anything with my coworker and wasn't planning to as having been cheated on in the past I couldn't bare to put someone else through the same.

 

We had been on a few breaks and if I'm honest I wasn't happy, I felt undervalued and like I wasn't good enough for him anymore. However I realised I did still love him and couldn't see my future without him in it. We met up after the last break and I went to meet up hopeful and he said we should be friends which completely broke me. I was in floods of tears and this lasted a few days. I tried to convince him to give it a go because we had nothing to lose but after going back and forth of him wanting to work it out and then not. He refused to sleep with me anymore and branded me emotional and said we should date other people. I then told him I wasn't doing this anymore because he didn't deserve me and I wouldn't be throwing myself at him anymore with the hopes he would come to his senses as I was losing myself.

 

After sometime he had contacted me 3 times in the following week and came to see me. His excuse was that he wanted to make sure I was alright. He was genuinely sorry for how he made me feel but no talks of us getting back together.. I was still positive and cheery around him because I didn't want him to know how I truly felt. We have now not spoken for 4 days running now but he did say to me he would let me know when he figured out what he wanted after I said I felt like he didn't know.

 

I apologise for the length, this is a summary of the important parts. I am just seeking some advice??

 

I am currently studying, socialising, working out and trying to find a new hobby in a bid to work on myself in the meantime.

Link to comment

You need to continue concentrating on your new life instead of your old one. Keep studying, socializing, working out, work on hobbies and have healthy distractions.

 

Consider your ex history. Discontinue ties with him because it's over.

 

Never grovel. Keep reminding yourself why your relationship went awry with him in the first place. Constant arguing is not conducive to a normal, sound, stable relationship.

 

The family and his close friend engaged in "gaslighting" you. Google that word! It's the nastiest trick in the book and psychological warfare at its finest. :upset:

 

Keep your professional life just that: professional. Treat your co-worker like a co-worker and leave it there. Avoid awkwardness at the work front and keep things business as usual.

 

If you don't see a future with your ex, call it quits because there is no future with him! Be sensible. Being friends won't work because there's too much baggage. He'll only remind your of negative thoughts of the past. Your trust won't for him, his family and friend won't be there anymore either.

 

Become strong and independent. This new mindset will be your new power.

Link to comment

So what has changed him in the last 3 months which will prevent him from sticking up for you when his family and friend badmouth you? He didn't mention how he wouldn't allow this, and didn't even want to get back together.

 

It takes a lot more than love to choose an appropriate lifetime partner. Don't feel like you always have to be in a relationship to distract yourself from whatever else is unfulfilling in your life. Keep up with your new activities, and don't allow yourself to jump back into the dating pool until you have relieved yourself of toxic baggage, and have improved your self esteem. Otherwise, you'll keep choosing, staying with, and wanting back men who aren't worthy of you. (Yes, you are the treasure and a guy has to treat you as one or you will head to the nearest exit). Until you have that mindset, enjoy your own company.

Link to comment

That is how I'm feeling also, on the other hand I do still have a glimmer of hope that we could figure it out in the future.

 

Also I did forget to mention we were together for a year and a half and aside from the ups and downs, we were good. We are both quite goofy and playful and very driven. I felt like after being single for so long I finally found what I was looking for. He did reassure me that it was me he wanted and his family wasn't important and all that mattered was me and him but I always wondered what was fuelling them. He would call and text every day to see how my day was and see if I was okay but then he stopped trying and so did I. Then the arguments arose..

 

He did speak to my mom when we were going through the rough patch I mentioned above and said that after I asked for the last break his feelings towards me started to change. I fear after disregarding my relationship to fantasise over my coworker, I may have contributed to driving him away.

Link to comment

Aww.... hang in there.... You are doing the right things: focusing on your own goals, starting new hobbies and finding new interests. It just takes more time, than we think to feel completely better and in a new place. All the new stuff is a great distraction, but you are still going to think of him and feel bad sometimes. Letting go of someone that you care about and spent a lot of time with is a process. you will doubt yourself. You will think-- did I make a mistake? Should I try harder? Those thoughts do come. Missing someone and feeling lonely is difficult to deal with. It is a trying time. But you don't have to try so hard. It's ok to take a beat. Feel how you feel but also remember how great you are and how much you have to offer. It sounds like you tried and that is enough.

 

But, you can't go back to him. Not now. You deserve better. You guys gave it a good run and it's ok to feel like you guys were good at one time. But he needs to grow up a bit. You could find, in the future, that you circle back to each other somehow. You just never know. But don't focus on that. It's not enough to want him to be better. Some things you just can't explain to him... he doesn't get it. He has to be and do better, but that can't happen over night.

 

Don't beat yourself up over the co-worker. You didn't do anything! If anything, that guy showed you want you really want from a man. And that is a good thing.

Link to comment

PS. I know a lot of people on here post advice to go completely no contact, block, delete, dead. I don't always agree with that. I think it's ok to be silent and when he reaches out to you, to say-- you aren't ready to talk and you don't know when you will be. Or that you ever will be.

 

You don't have to hide it when someone hurts you. That is letting them off the hook. And you don't have to go scorched earth in every scenario, either. Sometimes it's good to set a boundary. Yes, that is hard and some people can't stick to it. But when you know yourself, what you want and what you'll accept, it's not that hard. Strive to be that woman.

Link to comment
You have too many "rough patches."

 

Did he stick up for you to his parents and friend?

 

He did to his mom I can only comment on this because I witnessed it. The other times he said he did and when I was on good terms with his family they confirmed he did stick up for me when I wasn't there. I can't say for definite though because I wasn't there

Link to comment
PS. I know a lot of people on here post advice to go completely no contact, block, delete, dead. I don't always agree with that. I think it's ok to be silent and when he reaches out to you, to say-- you aren't ready to talk and you don't know when you will be. Or that you ever will be.

 

You don't have to hide it when someone hurts you. That is letting them off the hook. And you don't have to go scorched earth in every scenario, either. Sometimes it's good to set a boundary. Yes, that is hard and some people can't stick to it. But when you know yourself, what you want and what you'll accept, it's not that hard. Strive to be that woman.

 

I felt a little bit stupid after posting how I felt but I feel a little better now, thank you. He reached out to me drove over to see me aswell which is more than he was doing. I asked if this was how he treated all his friends and he said no it was just me. After him reaching out to me every few days I asked him to come on a shopping trip with me, he initially said he wouldn't be able to, because he was busy. He then got back in touch about an hour later to say let's go. I feel like to me that isn't the sign of someone that wants to completely rid of me you know ? When I have told him I won't settle for being his friend and didn't know why he still wanted to talk to me if his family weren't keen on me, he told me that he does what he wants and doesn't let someone else's opinion cloud his judgement. I thought maybe if I implemented the no contact rule or even ghost him a little it may give him the space he needs to fully decide what he wants. Even though I openly said I was looking to date other people so he didn't feel like I was waiting on him.

 

My feelings are pretty neutral atm, I have cried as much as my body will let me. I'm just a little curious that's all..

Link to comment

I am so glad it helped.

 

No one knows what truly motivates another person and what they are actually trying to do. Some people don't know for themselves what they want. Many times when relationships are ending, it's very scary and no one really wants to be alone. So we back pedal. We say or do enough to keep the person around, but if you look at the words and the actions, they are very open and non-committal. Everyone likes to think they don't let someone else's opinion cloud their judgment. But the truth is, we are influenced by others. And we explain ourselves in ways that put us in the best light. It's not a total jerk move. We all do it. We all struggle with decisions because there is what we know is the right thing to do and then there is what we want to do or have. And that's where the conflict comes in. So we waffle or bargain or explain to ourselves how it should all work out. And then real life happens.

 

 

I would not use no contact or ghosting as a game or tactic to manipulate the situation. I also would not continue to speak to him while YOU ARE NOT SURE (is he completely rid of you? probably not. Will he use you until he is ready to let go? Possibly.) The problem with hanging around with a guy that is telling you he is unsure is, while you are thinking you are doing things to work things out and ride off into the sunset. But maybe he isn't. You have no idea what his motivation is. Relationships can really only be worked out when two people are communicating their needs and wants and committing to working together, because they DON'T want to give up. Not because they can't decide.

 

 

Did you go shopping? Did you have fun? If yes, I would continue doing your own thing. When he contacts you again, just be honest and say something like-- "I had fun shopping, but like I told you, I don't want to be friends." Otherwise you could get friend zoned or used until he finds someone else.

 

And don't call him.... I think it's better to let him come to you. When someone contacts you, they want to talk to you and are more likely to be open to what you say. If you call him and just lay this on him, you may catch him at a bad time and it come across a little psycho or needy. And he could respond badly and really hurt your feelings.

 

 

People must be honest about their needs to get those needs met. If you can't say this to him, you are probably giving him too much of yourself. I don't know your ages and you might not be able to do this. And that is ok. But then you should not be so committed to each other. I have found when I have tried to express my needs and it went badly. Then I just had to accept that maybe that person just can't understand me and it's a waste of time and breath.

 

Some relationships are worth the work; some aren't. You have to learn to recognize the difference. And there's no definite time table for finding that out. Most relationships are good, until they aren't anymore. And that's when you know.

 

 

Break ups do ebb and flow a little bit. You've had some contact with him and that has satisfied that desperate longing. You realize now, you have some kind of influence on him and you are back in a neutral place. Use that to push further away. There's no law that says you have to take him back, no matter what he says or does. It's totally your decision who and what you spend you time and effort on. Decide wisely and don't settle for garbage.

Link to comment
I am so glad it helped.

 

No one knows what truly motivates another person and what they are actually trying to do. Some people don't know for themselves what they want. Many times when relationships are ending, it's very scary and no one really wants to be alone. So we back pedal. We say or do enough to keep the person around, but if you look at the words and the actions, they are very open and non-committal. Everyone likes to think they don't let someone else's opinion cloud their judgment. But the truth is, we are influenced by others. And we explain ourselves in ways that put us in the best light. It's not a total jerk move. We all do it. We all struggle with decisions because there is what we know is the right thing to do and then there is what we want to do or have. And that's where the conflict comes in. So we waffle or bargain or explain to ourselves how it should all work out. And then real life happens.

 

 

I would not use no contact or ghosting as a game or tactic to manipulate the situation. I also would not continue to speak to him while YOU ARE NOT SURE (is he completely rid of you? probably not. Will he use you until he is ready to let go? Possibly.) The problem with hanging around with a guy that is telling you he is unsure is, while you are thinking you are doing things to work things out and ride off into the sunset. But maybe he isn't. You have no idea what his motivation is. Relationships can really only be worked out when two people are communicating their needs and wants and committing to working together, because they DON'T want to give up. Not because they can't decide.

 

 

Did you go shopping? Did you have fun? If yes, I would continue doing your own thing. When he contacts you again, just be honest and say something like-- "I had fun shopping, but like I told you, I don't want to be friends." Otherwise you could get friend zoned or used until he finds someone else.

 

And don't call him.... I think it's better to let him come to you. When someone contacts you, they want to talk to you and are more likely to be open to what you say. If you call him and just lay this on him, you may catch him at a bad time and it come across a little psycho or needy. And he could respond badly and really hurt your feelings.

 

 

People must be honest about their needs to get those needs met. If you can't say this to him, you are probably giving him too much of yourself. I don't know your ages and you might not be able to do this. And that is ok. But then you should not be so committed to each other. I have found when I have tried to express my needs and it went badly. Then I just had to accept that maybe that person just can't understand me and it's a waste of time and breath.

 

Some relationships are worth the work; some aren't. You have to learn to recognize the difference. And there's no definite time table for finding that out. Most relationships are good, until they aren't anymore. And that's when you know.

 

 

Break ups do ebb and flow a little bit. You've had some contact with him and that has satisfied that desperate longing. You realize now, you have some kind of influence on him and you are back in a neutral place. Use that to push further away. There's no law that says you have to take him back, no matter what he says or does. It's totally your decision who and what you spend you time and effort on. Decide wisely and don't settle for garbage.

 

Thank you for taking the time out to break things down for me. I will definitely take things on board, I am 23 and he is 25. I have made a few comments about other guys as he told me to date other people and I can see this is quite hard for him to hear. I feel that he said this to me because he doesn't want to commit to what he can't deliver right now and also for me to stop asking where I stand. I believe time is the best healer and everything will work out if it is meant to, I won't force anything.

Link to comment

At times when a person passed on toxic thoughts about me from another person, it served nothing but to make me feel bad. You have to wonder if the messenger is being passive/aggressive in order to make you feel bad, but masking that intent since the source was someone other than himself.

 

He told you to date other men? That means he's totally over you and is perfectly okay with you being with other men, meaning he no longer cares. Because if a man cared, the thought of that would tear his insides up. And if he cared, he'd pull out all the stops to make the relationship right.

 

Do yourself a favor and leave your past behind you. He's not a friend you can discuss your dating life with, like you would with a gf. And when you are done healing and moving on, a new dating prospect won't be continuing on with you when he finds out you stay in contact with an ex you didn't want to end it with. Your ex will also put you on the back burner or make the friendship totally end when he finds a new gf. Save your heart from breaking twice now, and tell him for your own good and closure, that you will have to go no contact. If he doesn't respect what's good for you and balks at losing a fan, it'll be another sign he doesn't care about your welfare.

 

A new year is coming up, so it's a great time to start a new chapter of your life. Good luck.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...