Jump to content

Is there a chance he's really busy/not into texting?


lolap

Recommended Posts

I met a guy on the online app, and normally I talk to guys before meeting up, but this time we went straight to picking time and date to meet up. He initiated, but I liked his profile and went with it. The date went well, it was just a first one, and it didn't last long, we didn't overshare or kiss, but both seemed to enjoy ourselves, the conversation was flowing and we laughed quite a bit. He paid at the end and offered to drive me home, which I agreed to. No words were said about a next date. Also, I knew that he would be leaving for a few days, so I didn't expect a date to happen soon.

 

The following day, when I didn't receive a message from him, I decided that even if he didn't like me enough to text me, I still wanted to thank him for a nice evening. I texted him in the afternoon thanking him for a fun night and wishing him a nice trip. He replied a couple hours later, to my surprise saying that he also enjoyed himself and that we could hang out before his trip, he offered to cook for me (which was a part of a joke from the first date).

 

I replied a few hours later saying yes to his offer and asking when he was leaving. He only replied the following day, suggesting a day, but also saying that he was getting busier than anticipated. With that schedule he wasn't sure anymore.. To that I asked him to let me know for sure the same night so that I could plan, and he replied that it would have to wait, because he'd probably finish work late. I wished him a good night. He didn't reply.

 

A FEW QUESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS HERE:

- he didn't text me first;

- he did suggest the next date, BUT cancelled it, even though he was in town for a couple more days;

- didn't set a firm date for when he returns;

- didn't reply to my last message.

 

A week after that I decided to message him.. because I felt like it :) so I asked him how his trip was going. He replied right away, and the answers were pretty short. I initially found them to be sweet nonetheless, and responded with another question and comment. He replied in a joking manner and responded to my question, BUT didn't ask me anything in return!!!

 

That happened today and I just didn't reply.

 

So now, my question is.. Is it possible that he is truly too busy to have a more two-sided conversation with me? Or that he might be not into texting with people who he only met once? The reason why I ask this is because there is another guy from the app that's been texting me a lot. I keep cancelling our dates, so we haven't met yet, and I think that part of the reason is all the texting. I think I might prefer the minimum communication over texts, mostly using it to arrange for dates at this stage. However, I doubt that the first guy could still be interested in me and letting me forget about him for such a long time. If he's not sure yet, that's fine. But does his behaviour clearly indicates disinterest?

Link to comment

He doesn’t seem very interested in dating or in putting any effort into planning something with you.... whatever the reason is I would be nexting him and moving on. Life is too short to spend time with someone that isn’t [emoji817] into you.

Link to comment

After one meet many people are still meeting others. He sounds marginally interested so continue to meet and date others. Stop contacting for now. See what happens when he returns. If he doesn't reach out without you prompting him, let it go.

 

Next time do not let strangers drive you home and avoid in-home dates for the second meet. Go out on dates for a while and do not treat it as a relationship after meeting only a few hours.

Link to comment

I think you should go ahead and meet the other guy. Don't turn down plans because you're hoping this first guy comes around. He may never. I can't say if he's super busy or disinterested, but one has to wonder why he's not behaving the same as you regarding trying to get a date planned if he's just as excited about you. If I'm excited about someone, I would be like you, trying to prioritize seeing this guy on the weekend, and pushing back anyone I'm not as interested in to second. But when you're not getting texts or plans, you could very well end up with nobody or doing nothing. Don't prioritize this guy you only met once. If he comes around, he comes around, but put your dating life on hold in the meantime.

Link to comment

As the saying goes “don’t put all your eggs in one basket”

 

At this point you only had an introduction / meet with him. Not a date.

The whole point of meeting someone from online is to see IF that person is someone you would like to go on a date with and vice versa. From that point on, it’s not much different than meeting someone in real life.

You have yet to have a first date with him.

Why on earth would you agree to a first date at his home?

 

Anyway, you have initiated all contact so far, I’m guessing he is open to more meets with others and you should be too.

So, get out there, meet others , in future don’t ask a guy to confirm a date and don’t not plan anything else unless he confirms it, because he is not and should not be your priority, if he leaves it too late to lock something in, you simply apologise but you can’t make it as have other plans. You can suggest an alternate date that suits you.

Link to comment

I wouldn't be so quick to go into the cars or homes of strangers. That's not a safe practice.

 

I'd spend less time analyzing any particular guy and focus instead on continuing to meet people until you find good simpatico that sticks. If this guy returns and offers another date, accept, but keep it as a public meeting until you get to know him better. Research more about online dating to learn 'why'.

Link to comment

Did you forget to say thank you on the date? My sense is that you did and the thank you text was sent after you didn't hear from him to test his level of interest -it's obvious to him too. Not the end of the world just shows him that you are VERY interested and hoping he asks you out for a real first date. Then you agreed to go to his home for the first official date so he can "cook" for you - after getting in his car after the first time you met him (which I personally would not do - too risky).

 

Please be more honest with yourself -you didn't text him because you felt like it -you texted him because you hadn't heard from him and were concerned that it meant he was no longer interested -and he knows that, too.

 

So- he didn't ask you out for a first date at the end of the first meet -no issue at all - many don't despite being very interested - but then you sent him a "thank you" text (and defintely a good move if you forgot your manners and didn't thank him for paying and for the lift -but I can't imagine you'd forget to thank him with all of that), and then you agreed to "hang out" at his house. His impression likely is that you are overeager and up for a casual hook up. I don't think that's the impression you want to make and I think you need to put more thought into how you navigate the dance that is dating. Don't indulge in "oh I just feel like texting him so I will" or 'I know, I can send him a thank you text and see if that motivates him to ask me out". Show a new person that you have a fun, fulfilling life and are reasonably secure and that you are available and interested in seeing people who value your time and who are interested in putting in the effort to plan a time/place date.

 

As far as the other guy -if you keep cancelling first meets you're sending the message that you're a bit flaky/not that interested. That's a different scenario entirely.

 

I think this has nothing to do with texting as a form of communication. Basic stuff -people move towards pleasure and away from pain. If this guy wanted to see you again he would make it happen whether text, phone, email, telegram (yes telegram -how my sister's now ex husband asked her out for a second date - after they met through a personal ad). In the 1980s a guy I met through a friend one night over a casual dinner tracked down the place I worked, looked it up the old fashioned way, only knew my first name, and called me at work (only way he could reach me at that point) to ask me out on a date. We dated for a year - really good person. That's what interested people do. My husband made a plan to see me two weeks in advance for our first official date because he was going out of town and wanted to make sure I'd be free on a Saturday night. At the time I had no cell phone. He kept in touch by calling just about every night and emailing once or twice a day. For example.

Link to comment

You're coming across way too over-eager OP.

 

Stop chasing him and give him a chance to put forth some effort.

 

No he's not "too busy" he's lukewarm at best.

 

Men who are interested are never too busy to reach out! And those men who say they are are full of cr**.

 

Keep busy meeting and dating, so you won't become overly anxious in the meantime.

 

Give him a chance to wonder about you! It builds attraction.

Link to comment
He doesn’t seem very interested in dating or in putting any effort into planning something with you.... whatever the reason is I would be nexting him and moving on. Life is too short to spend time with someone that isn’t [emoji817] into you.

 

Yes, I've "nexted" him by not replying to his lukewarm messages to me, which didn't even require a response. Completely agree with you!

Link to comment
After one meet many people are still meeting others. He sounds marginally interested so continue to meet and date others. Stop contacting for now. See what happens when he returns. If he doesn't reach out without you prompting him, let it go.

 

Next time do not let strangers drive you home and avoid in-home dates for the second meet. Go out on dates for a while and do not treat it as a relationship after meeting only a few hours.

 

Thank you for replying! I don't think I treated it as a relationship, but the fact that I'm here asking these questions shows that I did take it a little close to heart :). I thought about your advice to not get into strangers' and have to agree! My agreeing to go to to his house was also not ideal. It's best to have stricter rules!

Link to comment

I am meeting someone tonight, but it's a third guy :). I'm looking forward to meeting him, and am not obsessing over the first guy, but I am curious. I was in a very codependent and unhealthy relationship before, which started pretty much from the day we met. That's why a lukewarm start seems so attractive to me at the moment. But I decided to ask the community so that I don't take a complete disinterest for a first stage semi-indifference. I don't a guy to be overly eager, but I also don't want to annoy someone with unwanted reminders of my existence.

Link to comment
Did you forget to say thank you on the date? My sense is that you did and the thank you text was sent after you didn't hear from him to test his level of interest -it's obvious to him too. Not the end of the world just shows him that you are VERY interested and hoping he asks you out for a real first date. Then you agreed to go to his home for the first official date so he can "cook" for you - after getting in his car after the first time you met him (which I personally would not do - too risky).

 

Please be more honest with yourself -you didn't text him because you felt like it -you texted him because you hadn't heard from him and were concerned that it meant he was no longer interested -and he knows that, too.

 

So- he didn't ask you out for a first date at the end of the first meet -no issue at all - many don't despite being very interested - but then you sent him a "thank you" text (and defintely a good move if you forgot your manners and didn't thank him for paying and for the lift -but I can't imagine you'd forget to thank him with all of that), and then you agreed to "hang out" at his house. His impression likely is that you are overeager and up for a casual hook up. I don't think that's the impression you want to make and I think you need to put more thought into how you navigate the dance that is dating. Don't indulge in "oh I just feel like texting him so I will" or 'I know, I can send him a thank you text and see if that motivates him to ask me out". Show a new person that you have a fun, fulfilling life and are reasonably secure and that you are available and interested in seeing people who value your time and who are interested in putting in the effort to plan a time/place date.

 

As far as the other guy -if you keep cancelling first meets you're sending the message that you're a bit flaky/not that interested. That's a different scenario entirely.

 

Your comment is like a very much needed cold shower! Thank you for your thoughts. I agree with you, because deep down we always know. I just started going on dates again, so I am okay with making a couple mistakes here and there in the beginning. Too bad I actually liked this guy, but that's the only way to learn.

 

Of course I thanked him for paying for giving me a ride, and just got impatient.

 

The best way to show someone that I have a busy, fulfilling life is to work on truly making it making it happen.

Link to comment
You're coming across way too over-eager OP.

 

Stop chasing him and give him a chance to put forth some effort.

 

No he's not "too busy" he's lukewarm at best.

 

Men who are interested are never too busy to reach out! And those men who say they are are full of cr**.

 

Keep busy meeting and dating, so you won't become overly anxious in the meantime.

 

Give him a chance to wonder about you! It builds attraction.

 

Do you think he wasn't interested from the beginning (meeting me), or that my texting style turned him off?

Link to comment
Do you think he wasn't interested from the beginning (meeting me), or that my texting style turned him off?

 

If he wasn't interested in meeting you, you'd have never met. I don't think anything you did turned him off either. This is just the nature of meeting people from online. That first meet and greet is just there to see if there is any real life chemistry between you and most of the time....there won't be. It doesn't mean that either person did anything bad, in fact, you might have a fun time, but that x factor is just missing for either one of you or both of you. Shrug it off and keep on dating until you do meet someone where it just clicks mutually. When you do meet that person where it's mutual, you'll find that dating is just easy, makes sense, you feel secure in his interest and secure in showing yours. When it's right, it's just easy, is the best way to describe it. Meanwhile, do be careful though, especially early on. Safety first, so keep your dates public for a bit.

Link to comment

Lolap, quick question for you.

 

Did you feel a genuine "click" with him, that certain energy/chemistry two people feel when they've just met someone special, who stands out from the rest?

 

That X factor Dancing Fool referred to?

 

Or did you simply find him attractive, you enjoyed chatting and had a few laughs?

 

And are (were) feeling anxious not because you like him so much, but more because you wondered if he liked you?

 

Just asking, I have found that people sometimes place more value on whether or not someone likes them, versus considering if they themselves like the person!

 

I have had some great dates, fun, lots of laughs, but it's very very rare when I feel that right balance of click, chemistry and energy with a man.

 

But whenever I have it's been mutual, because it's genuine. A genuine energy between us, no rhyme for reason for it, it's just "there."

 

This has confused some guys as we had fun, both attractive, good jobs, good on paper.

 

So why not date? Have sex? Lol

 

There was only one problem. Unfortunately, I just wasn't "feeling it" as they say and my guess is they weren't either.

Link to comment
Lolap, quick question for you.

 

Did you feel a genuine "click" with him, that certain energy/chemistry two people feel when they've just met someone special, who stands out from the rest?

 

That X factor Dancing Fool referred to?

 

Or did you simply find him attractive, you enjoyed chatting and had a few laughs?

 

And are (were) feeling anxious not because you like him so much, but more because you wondered if he liked you?

 

Just asking, I have found that people sometimes place more value on whether or not someone likes them, versus considering if they themselves like the person!

 

I have had some great dates, fun, lots of laughs, but it's very very rare when I feel that right balance of click, chemistry and energy with a man.

 

But whenever I have it's been mutual, because it's genuine. A genuine energy between us, no rhyme for reason for it, it's just "there."

 

This has confused some guys as we had fun, both attractive, good jobs, good on paper.

 

So why not date? Have sex? Lol

 

There was only one problem. Unfortunately, I just wasn't "feeling it" as they say and my guess is they weren't either.

 

I read your question before going on a date tonight (with someone else) and kept it in mind. Here are my observations:

 

Today's date was sweet, pleasant, has a pretty good job, and is cute. We did have a nice chat, but I wouldn't be sad if he never messaged me again. (He did message me to ask if I got home safe, to say how nice it was to meet me and to wish me a good day tomorrow.)

 

A few weeks ago I met someone else, who was also very pleasant, decent looks, good job, very nice conversation, but neither of us messaged each other after. I really didn't care.

 

A couple weeks ago, I met yet another guy, who was good looking, great job, fun conversation, and I thought there was a spark. We went on a second date and it fell apart! It was such a disaster that it deserves a whole separate post, but that's not my point..

 

I just don't think I trust this "click". What does a click even mean? I can't speak for another person, so even if I feel attracted to them, or intrigued, I can't guarantee they feel the same way. Even if they do, it might go bad as soon as on the second date.

 

What I am looking for is someone I find interesting enough to want to get to know them better. I enjoy taking it slow this time, and would like to find someone who's also not in a rush and can be more casual in the beginning (but not sleeping around necessarily, that's a bit of a turn off for me).

 

That's why out of all the guys I've been meeting lately, I was only motivated enough to create a whole thread on this forum about the original guy. He checked a lot of my marks for the first meeting. We laughed at the same things, have a couple inside jokes already, he is my type physically and I respect his career choices. He seemed interested enough in me to continue being interested in him. So, to me, yes, there was a click. Did he feel the same? I have no idea. So far, I would interpret his behaviour as probably not. But, as much fun as mind-reading can be, I'm not yet an expert :).

 

PS: thank you for raising this question, it made me look at those recent dates from a different angle.

Link to comment
Sorry to be like a cold shower. I should have been more caring and supportive in my response. I’m glad you’re meeting new people.

 

No worries, contrast showers are supposed to be good for you :D. Thanks for your opinion!

Link to comment
Go on the other date!!

Even if he is into you don't put all your eggs in one basket and try to keep you expectations realistic :)

 

haha I doubt that I'll be hearing from him again, but what a great reminder - not to put all the eggs in one basket!

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...