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Is it wrong for me to reach out?


kalikat

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Hi all - Wondering what you think on this:

I just found out that my ex boyfriends mom recently passed away. She was a sweet lady, and I have many fond memories of her.

She and her husband were married over 60 years (!). I really want to reach out to her husband to let him know he is loved and not alone. I can not even imagine the loss he is feeling (he is around 93 years old).

My problem is that my ex and I did not end on friendly terms. But to contact the dad, I have to communicate thru the ex.

Don't want to "stir the pot", But I truly do want the dad to know how much they meant to me.

So - yes or no?

Contact or no contact.

Truthfully - no other agenda here. Just want to here what you all think.

Thanks

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I don't know your whole story, but typically in times like this we take the high road and do the right thing. We don't get hung up on how someone else will react. If you feel that contacting the dad is the right thing to do, then you do it.

Shortly after my ex and I separated (contentious divorce and new girlfriend on his arm) I felt it right for me to pay my respects and attend the funeral of his sisters husband, who passed away unexpectedly.

It was appreciated, even by the ex.

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You have a conscience which is commendable.

 

I would reach out to your ex, pay your respects, express your sincere sympathy and kind words of support. He is grief stricken and inconsolable regarding his tremendous loss. I say, "YES" to contact for this special circumstance. Just make sure you keep it respectfully brief and extremely well mannered. Don't go back 'n forth with long correspondences. Your ex is your ex. Be mindful and it's highly appropriate to extend compassion during his bereft state.

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I personally would say, no.

 

I understand that these people were once a apart of your life, but they're not now and it's not really appropriate.

 

Th ex might find it overstepping your boundaries and might not appreciate it at all.

 

Your sentiment is nice, but I don't think it's a good idea.

 

I agree with bolt, sending a card seems about right.

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Why? Who benefits? In bold is always a good question to ask yourself when considering whether to broach a sensitive topic or situation.

 

I'll be frank. The father isn't going to bed tonight wondering why he hasn't received your condolences. And on the other hand, if you didn't end things on good terms with your ex, he'll likely at best be apathetic, and your sentiments would be just another verbal reminder of, "Hey. Heard your mom croaked." Worse, hearing from you might be a stressor, even if as mild as just an eye-roll he'd rather not experience right now. His mother did pass away after all, so like him or not, his feelings should be considered.

 

It's a no-brainer.

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I also would vote “no”.

 

Most people (ie: your ex’s family) understand that a break-up is a break-up. That you hold no ill-will towards the family and friends of your ex and often think of them fondly. It’s just a part of life. Relationships break up and people go their separate ways.

 

If you didn’t leave on good terms with your ex - and he would also be grieving - I mean, it’s going to be awkward and uncomfortable and no offense - he probably doesn’t want to be reminded of all that at this time.

 

Also - not to be callous - but in my own observations of the people I know in their 90s... I mean... they kind of expect that at some point in their lives? They’ve been through the deaths of so many friends and family members... that’s not to say they are numb to it or don’t grieve... but they are somewhat numb to it?

 

And it’s kinda superficial? I mean... are you going to start hanging out with the dad on a weekly basis and keep him company?

 

It’s ok to be sad. But personally, I would pay my respects by respectfully giving them their space.

 

(Unless it’s an ex you have children with and you are accompanying the children)

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Hi all - Wondering what you think on this:

I just found out that my ex boyfriends mom recently passed away. She was a sweet lady, and I have many fond memories of her.

She and her husband were married over 60 years (!). I really want to reach out to her husband to let him know he is loved and not alone. I can not even imagine the loss he is feeling (he is around 93 years old).

My problem is that my ex and I did not end on friendly terms. But to contact the dad, I have to communicate thru the ex.

Don't want to "stir the pot", But I truly do want the dad to know how much they meant to me.

So - yes or no?

Contact or no contact.

Truthfully - no other agenda here. Just want to here what you all think.

Thanks

And you know what, I gotta expound a bit because if it really is the only agenda, it's a pretty ****ty one. I don't know what happened between you two, but regardless, essentially regarding the man whose own mother passed away as some hurdle or "problem" getting in the way of letting the guy you feel really deserves hearing your condolences is a whole lot of "wow." I can tell you full-stop that if I were him and knew this post existed, you'd probably be the last person I want to hear from. I know he very well might not end up every knowing, but I think you should afford him the very basic respect of just not doing it.
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I agree wholeheartedly with the posters suggesting you do not do this.

 

It's understandable when you're grieving to want to wedge your way back into an ex's life, but recognize the desire is selfish and totally inappropriate at this point. You two did not end on good terms and your "condolences" aren't going to change the situation. Additionally, due to age, the death was expected, and while I'm sure his father is sad, he likely is holding up okay. Please let this idea go.

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I don't know your whole story, but typically in times like this we take the high road and do the right thing. We don't get hung up on how someone else will react. If you feel that contacting the dad is the right thing to do, then you do it.

Shortly after my ex and I separated (contentious divorce and new girlfriend on his arm) I felt it right for me to pay my respects and attend the funeral of his sisters husband, who passed away unexpectedly.

It was appreciated, even by the ex.

Rereading it.

I didnt catch it was just a boyfriend.

Assumed it was her ex husband, therefore I take back my advise.

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Why? Who benefits? In bold is always a good question to ask yourself when considering whether to broach a sensitive topic or situation.

 

I'll be frank. The father isn't going to bed tonight wondering why he hasn't received your condolences. And on the other hand, if you didn't end things on good terms with your ex, he'll likely at best be apathetic, and your sentiments would be just another verbal reminder of, "Hey. Heard your mom croaked." Worse, hearing from you might be a stressor, even if as mild as just an eye-roll he'd rather not experience right now. His mother did pass away after all, so like him or not, his feelings should be considered.

 

It's a no-brainer.

 

Bingo.....

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“I really want to reach out to her husband to let him know he is loved and not alone”

 

Do you really think that no one else will say that??? Of course they will!!

And why do you think you saying the same thing others will say will make a difference?

 

Absolutely a firm no from me!!

 

Your planned words are cheap. Sorry!

Because unless you plan to actually spend time with him regularly so he is not “alone” , what’s the point?

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WOw - some of you are amazingly fierce.

 

SGH - NO - it's not an attempt to get back in with the ex when he's vulnerable. You are completely way off base with that idea.

 

And yes - all I meant to do was to send a card out. Not a call or an email. Nothing that would seem to need a reply.

 

All I know is that this poor 95 year old man lost the love of his life. They both came to my dad's funeral - AFTER My ex & I had split. And you know what - it meant a lot to me that they were there.

 

So despite all the negative energy and comments, I am going to send out a card. I feel its the least I can do.

 

Honestly - either way - thank you for allowing me to see things from a different perspective and helping me decide what to do.

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