For those going through a heartbreak

[ineedahug]

Hi all! So I took a little break from this site during the holidays but I'm back. Short summary about why I joined

- My ex boyfriend of over a year dumped me in a really bad circumstance

- I became clingy/desperate to get him back because I thought he was my soulmate

- I became super depressed and anxiety reach an all time high for me (I also had traumatic mental health issues)

- Ex ended up blocking my number, we saw each other like 3 times after the break up where he berated me (tbh I deserved some of it, I was being clingy)

- I have been NC for months now and I can't say the exact number because I no longer keep count :)

I just wanted to come on here and say something. I know these are hard to read to those who cannot get over their ex/ still want to reconcile with them. Trust me I would be so angry with people who were simply trying to give me the reality of the situation. I was trying to justify every bad things my ex did to me. I would think that every little sign meant he wanted to reconcile. But please believe me when I saw no man, or woman is worth you fighting every moment of your life for them. If someone breaks up with you, leave them alone. Don't ask how they're doing, don't apologize, don't wonder if they'll come back. This is because when someone breaks up with you they gave you up and they don't deserve your love or care. So why do we hurt?

This is how I felt and I'm sure many who've been dumped and hurt, we feel abandoned. Our SO told us that they would always be there no matter what, my ex was there for me when I hurt my back during dance, when I found a mouse in my apartment all the way to when a close friend of mine committed suicide. Needless to say he was there for a lot no matter how big or small. But now this person is just gone... and they aren't there for you anymore. They promised you a life beyond where you were, maybe even one with children, marriage, growing old together. But now they won't even bother answering the phone, which they don't have to but it still breaks our heart each time.

 

I just want to say that this period of getting over someone isn't stable, it's hard and I understand. There is no set period, and we all handle heartbreaks differently. This is how I view it and I hope some points apply! If not that's totally okay

 

Well here I am guys months after a break up, months of NC, to tell you my journey of moving on (and yes it gets easier and yes you will move on)

-It's OKAY to hate your ex initially after the breakup as well as OKAY to still love them deeply

-Some (including me) will want to reconcile with our exes, some will become clingy (like me) and unpopular opinion IT'S OKAY (as long as you aren't harassing, stalking, abusing the person). Now I'm not saying you should be clingy but if it happens it's okay but you need to stop now.

- You'll probably start NC with the goal of getting over your ex, or thinking they'll come back. You'll start counting days and weeks maybe even months. But eventually you'll stop counting because you'll no longer have the desire.

- Some days you'll feel great, some days you won't

- Your biggest enemy during this time will be yourself, you may blame yourself for the break up and then you'll misdirect that blame to your ex, sure he/she contributed to the breakup but you need to own the mistakes you made and work on yourself

- You'll start to do things hoping that it would make your ex come back - this is what I did about a month after NC, I started attending church regularly and praying, I got counseling for my anger issues, I made it a daily goal to make someone smile or happy (hoping for good karma).

- After a while of becoming the new improved single, you'll genuinely start to feel good. You'll actually FEEL a difference when you evolve. You addressed issues not just with relationship but with yourself. Then you slowly move your focus away from becoming a better person for your ex to just becoming a better you. Period.

- Your anger for your ex will dissolve slowly over time into love, not meaning you still love them but rather that at one point you did esp if this was LTR. you should appreciate no matter how badly things ended at one point they were someone who made an impact on you and loved.

- I can also say not being angry at your ex makes it so much easier for you, and forgiving them, well that's a bit harder but once you do, it's a great feeling

- After these few stages, you'll probably start to just acknowledge that that ship has sailed. I know it sounds so cliche but it's true. Why hold yourself back hoping one day months even years later you're ex may..(just maybe) reach out. You deserve better. You'll start to do things you never thought you could do. You are going to delete your texts, and convos. You will start deleting some pics (maybe you'll keep some for the memories). You'll be able to make some jokes about the break up and laugh about things that went wrong/right

- You'll be able to look back at some happy moments and not feel as much pain.

- Then finally you'll get to this part - where you thank the universe and yourself for not reaching out or reconciling with your ex.

I've been told this many many times by the people here and that is if your ex loved you they wouldn't do this to you. It's simple guys, don't think that your relationship is different because of circumstances. At the end of the day it's true. Not just with romantic relationships but any relationship.

You may never know why your ex did this, most of the time closure isn't really. When people break up with you they take their answers with them and that's it.

Notice I didn't mention much about dating other guys. My point is trying to use another person to get over your ex won't work. Take water between your shots. If not you'll be filled with regret. Take breaks between your relationships. You need time to reflect and change or else you won't reach the best you and happiness capable. Of course you should slowly start getting out there, flirt a little if you like, go out! Surround yourself with people you love. That's my perspective :)

To conclude this very long post. It took months for me to get to this place and I can't lie and say everything is perfect. But thank you all for truly helping me. If people had given false hope, I would have not been where I am.

We as a community deserve so much more, I wish for you no matter what you're trying to heal the best of luck even if this did not apply to you. Soon enough you'll be able to sleep peacefully at night. Thank you!

[figureitout23]

Ummmm you do know that many posters read multiple boards and we can all see your history right?

[ineedahug]

Ummmm you do know that many posters read multiple boards and we can all see your history right?

 

I'm sorry I don't understand what you mean by this? By my history if you're referring to my previous threads about trying to get back with my ex that's what I addressed lol. I was so caught up with trying to reconcile but now I am past that? So I'm a bit confused here

[Leah82]

I think the poster was referring to your posts that say that you’ve been 30 days no contact and that was mid December. So not months of no contact.

[Annia]

Ummmm you do know that many posters read multiple boards and we can all see your history right?

 

Y'all are detectives. I can't remember nicknames to save my life, so I can never remember past threads of a user lol

 

Are there inconsistencies?

[Leah82]

Y'all are detectives. I can't remember nicknames to save my life, so I can never remember past threads of a user lol

 

Are there inconsistencies?

 

 

If you click on a user name, it will take you to their profile and you can view what threads they’ve started or contributed to.

[MissCanuck]

I have been NC for months now and I can't say the exact number because I no longer keep count :)

 

On 12.13.18, you posted this thread, https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=556115, in which you said this: "I am 3 weeks of NC right now"

 

I believe this is what figureitout23 is referring to by being able to see your past threads. Your dates don't line up; according to your own accout, it hasn't been months of No Contact. A bit over a month, maybe, sure.

 

In any case, it's great that you're feeling better and are in a calmer frame of mind. It sounds like you're slowly accepting this new chapter of your life.

[SherrySher]

Y'all are detectives. I can't remember nicknames to save my life, so I can never remember past threads of a user lol

 

Nah, lol.

 

It's just easy to click on a person past postings and to see the history. It helps to get the whole story sometimes.

[Annia]

If you click on a user name, it will take you to their profile and you can view what threads they’ve started or contributed to.

 

I know, I just never remember to do so. But I should do more often because sometimes past threads can give more context and therefore better advice or replies.

[SooSad33]

Yes, I've been there... I so understand the internal turmoil.. the pains :(.

Yes, it does take time.. sometimes a lot of time.. to accept.. to let go..etc... Ride the waves.

 

Thanks for this post... it is reality, as we are emotional beings, so being involved with someone we felt aa LOT for & losing them..does hurt :(.

 

One day at a time, I always say.. I am still working on things.. and on myself.

I know I cannot 'give' at this time.. Nor, am I even interested in being involved again.

I think I am pretty much done with all that... so, no more attempts, with it adding up = too much pains.. I dont want it.

 

I am learning to be okay on my own... I can do this.

Takes time... thanks & tc.

[jenberry]

Thank you so much to the original poster. I feel like this was written for me, I'm at square 1 (well, maybe square 2 by now). Really appreciate it and your words ring so true xxx