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How can my boyfriend never want sex???


Cluedo

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This is just crazy to me! he honestly never wants to have sex. Its probably been over a month since we had sexual intercourse and just for the sake of trying to keep our relationship alive somehow, I go down on him whenever he will let me lol.

We did meet over the internet about 4 years ago and we now finally live together, during our time on the internet he would talk about sex constantly!! and he was quite kinky too.

He was very into me when we first saw each other and couldnt keep his hands off me but now I could walk around naked and he probably wouldn't even notice. It's not like I'm some horribly grotesque woman and I get guys hitting on me quite a bit....I'm just at a loss why he is like this.

 

I don't want to be resentful towards him because he does a lot for me mainly financially and we do get along amazingly well, like best friends. He is also pretty romantic and likes to hold hands and cuddle.

 

Can anyone offer some advice? it starts to upset me when I think he doesn't want to touch me

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This is just crazy to me! he honestly never wants to have sex. Its probably been over a month since we had sexual intercourse and just for the sake of trying to keep our relationship alive somehow, I go down on him whenever he will let me lol.

 

Maybe's he's lazy and never initiates because he knows if he waits long enough, he'll get oral. Although I can see how you're getting the short end of this deal; I'd probably make sure he didn't finish and ask for a quickie, lol.

 

Is his libido naturally lower than yours?

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I would say I have an average libido, I don't want sex every day...just once a week would be fine. I don't even want it that much for the pleasure, I just like the intimacy and it makes me feel closer to him...you know? like a boyfriend and girlfriend should be.

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He is one of those people who wants a relationship but isn't really into sex (except in his case, fantasy internet sex)

 

So he stages a 'bait and switch' in which he pulls you into the relationship and then, once he feels secure, reverts to his normal self.

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Ugh I've had this, it's awful for the self confidence isn't it? Unfortunately I never solved it with my experience really. I'd say talk to him - but who knows what's really going on in his mind? A whole month seems a little excessive to hold off on. No more oral! You deserve some pleasure too! Having no sex is one thing, but giving and not receiving is even worse!

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I would say I have an average libido, I don't want sex every day...just once a week would be fine. I don't even want it that much for the pleasure, I just like the intimacy and it makes me feel closer to him...you know? like a boyfriend and girlfriend should be.

 

Honestly, if that's your attitude about sex, and he is really into it, he is probably very bored or frustrated that he doesn't feel you are contributing to the sexual relationship. A guy wants his partner to initiate, come up with new things to do, make an effort to experiment and find out what he likes, etc. If the women is just simply "available" for whenever he'd like to have sex, especially if sex is very important to the guy, he can easily completely lose interest.

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Honestly, if that's your attitude about sex, and he is really into it, he is probably very bored or frustrated that he doesn't feel you are contributing to the sexual relationship. A guy wants his partner to initiate, come up with new things to do, make an effort to experiment and find out what he likes, etc. If the women is just simply "available" for whenever he'd like to have sex, especially if sex is very important to the guy, he can easily completely lose interest.

 

What a crock that is... she's giving him oral, what about that is not initiating anything? SHE can't be the ONLY one initiating, HE has a role here too. Traditionally, it's the man who initiates anyway.

 

I have the same attitude about sex and it doesn't seem to be a major issue with my husband and I. I know he'd prefer I initiate more but he's never given me the type of attitude the OP is describing. And I don't see how a woman making herself available for sex would make a man "easily completely lose interest", how is that so??

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OP, it may be that his libido is low, a lot of times for men this is because of a hormone imbalance (lack of testosterone production).

 

I would really encourage you to try and open up a dialogue about it, and try to express in as kind a way as possible that you are missing the sex and want to know what's up... if he's just feeling lazy, or not as connected, or whatever (like I said, it could even be a hormone imbalance). It's a difficult subject to broach, but if you do it in as gentle a way as possible, maybe you can figure out the root cause of the issue with his input.

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What a crock that is... she's giving him oral, what about that is not initiating anything? SHE can't be the ONLY one initiating, HE has a role here too. Traditionally, it's the man who initiates anyway.

 

I have the same attitude about sex and it doesn't seem to be a major issue with my husband and I. I know he'd prefer I initiate more but he's never given me the type of attitude the OP is describing. And I don't see how a woman making herself available for sex would make a man "easily completely lose interest", how is that so??

 

It seems like we have a duty to keep our men interested of course, and if they're not interested it can't be anything other than our fault for letting them get that way!

/sarcasm.

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What a crock that is... she's giving him oral, what about that is not initiating anything? SHE can't be the ONLY one initiating, HE has a role here too. Traditionally, it's the man who initiates anyway.

 

I have the same attitude about sex and it doesn't seem to be a major issue with my husband and I. I know he'd prefer I initiate more but he's never given me the type of attitude the OP is describing. And I don't see how a woman making herself available for sex would make a man "easily completely lose interest", how is that so??

 

There's a difference between simply being available, and being a 50% participant in the act. The OP didn't say how often "whenever he lets me" is, but I'm going to guess she's gone down on him only a few times in a month, and regardless he's lost interest. Being OK with sex once a week and only for the emotional aspect leads me to believe there is not a lot of hot sex going on.

 

I've been that guy, who is completely fed up and checked out while she does too little, too late, sitting there getting a BJ and really wishing I was somewhere else.

 

OP The best advice in this situation is talk about it. There is a big problem that nobody on a message board will solve, it absolutely has to be discussed between you and your boyfriend. And if he can't talk about it try a counselor! Sometimes it is very hard for a guy to come out and state what his problem is, he will keep it inside but obviously there are effects visible in the relationship. It may be something extremely simple, but he doesn't now how to say it or doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

Obviously one possibility is that he's ready to check out of the relationship, but again the only way to find out what's going on is to talk.

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It seems like we have a duty to keep our men interested of course, and if they're not interested it can't be anything other than our fault for letting them get that way!

/sarcasm.

 

It's both party's duty to show love for each other in the way they need to receive it, and when one or both fall short there are issues.

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One question - Have you EVER been in a long-term relationship? And by that, I mean one that has gone on for more than 3 years.

 

Sex once a week is perfectly normal and average for a long-term relationship. It is a healthy amount. More is fine, sure, but realistically, when you reach 30+, it's hard to have sex ALL the time, and beyond the first year or two of a relationship it just isn't realistic to think that ONLY having sex once a week is not enough. Sorry, but that's just being realistic.

 

And the OP specifically stated that he DOESN'T WANT sex! You're making a huge assumption by saying he's "lost interest." People's libido's can wane naturally, and it doesn't necessarily mean they've lost interest in their partner.

 

I'm going to hazard a guess that you're only in your early 20's - you seem to have no idea what relationships and sex are like when you are more mature.

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Either way it seems more likely that there is a serious issue in him not even wanting to show intimacy at all rather than the OP not jazzing it up for him and putting on a show. It's hard for the partner who is being refused intimacy as well you know, constant rejection isn't going to make a gal get her french knickers on and do a little strip tease. I got to the point with my ex who said I was being too presumptuous when I put on sexy nightwear! Not even underwear, I'm talking pajama's essentially. My self confidence got so low and I couldn't be intimate with anybody without the lights off for a very long time after we broke up. It needs to be talked out. Maybe it's work, maybe it's his own self esteem. Either way, a whole month is a little too long to blame the OP for being "too available".

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As others have said, you really need to talk to him about it. It could be any number of things going on. Perhaps he is stressed about something (his job, his family, friends, finances, his health, or even you); maybe he has an underlying medical condition that he is unaware of. Has he been on medication? Does he seem depressed? Does he drink or smoke? Is he getting enough sleep? Is he upset or resentful over a fight or argument you two might have had? Do you suspect he's cheating? See, it could be any one of those, or not. Maybe he just needs to know what your needs are so he can better meet them. You can't expect him to read your mind if you don't make the effort to talk to him about it. Give him a fair chance to discuss the issue and do so lovingly, without blame, judgment, or anger. The best way to get to the bottom of the issue is to have a conversation about it. Remember, good communication skills really and truly are the glue to all healthy relationships.

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Let me burst your bubble Mid 30s, married for 11+ years previously, we had sex 5+ times per week the entire time, even with 2 kids (small break after birth each time). Currently in a 4 year relationship, daily sex (sometimes more). Once a week is teetering on the danger zone of one partner looking to stray, IMO.

 

I can't imagine being in a relationship where once a week is normal. Once a week turns into once a month, turns into one person having your attitude (i.e. "This is normal!") and the other person being either a) completely depressed, b) getting ready to check out of the relationship, or c) having sex with someone else.

 

Interestingly, I know of more women who have (or currently are) cheating on their husbands due to lack of sex. If you weren't in their close circle of trust though you would never know, and assume they are just one of those "Normal" couples who rarely have sex.

 

That's not to say that two people can't get together who think that infrequent sex is OK - but in my experience, if I really, really know them closely one of the people in the relationship (and it's 50/50 man or woman so far) will confide in me that they think it is an issue.

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And the OP specifically stated that he DOESN'T WANT sex! You're making a huge assumption by saying he's "lost interest." People's libido's can wane naturally, and it doesn't necessarily mean they've lost interest in their partner.

 

Well, this is the Internet and so I have to make some assumptions of course This assumption was based on this statement in the OP:

 

during our time on the internet he would talk about sex constantly!! and he was quite kinky too.

 

Guys don't usually go from that to not wanting sex for no reason. Again, it's something that needs to be discussed.

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So you're essentially saying that if one person's libido is lower than the other, that gives the other person a reason to cheat?

 

And FYI, once a week is the average for married couples. It's been proven in studies. So it's not an "attitude" I have, it's a proven FACT that that is what is average!!

 

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Hate to be blunt but you seem to be clouded by a serious case of libido solipsism.

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Well, this is the Internet and so I have to make some assumptions of course This assumption was based on this statement in the OP:

 

 

 

Guys don't usually go from that to not wanting sex for no reason. Again, it's something that needs to be discussed.

 

Actually, they can and do if it's a bait-and-switch type of situation. It may be the guy just got off on cybering and had no real interest in lots of sex.

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So you're essentially saying that if one person's libido is lower than the other, that gives the other person a reason to cheat?

 

And FYI, once a week is the average for married couples. It's been proven in studies. So it's not an "attitude" I have, it's a proven FACT that that is what is average!!

 

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Hate to be blunt but you seem to be clouded by a serious case of libido solipsism.

 

Would you say that the average married couple is happy? I know quite a few mid-30s married couples very well, and lack of sex generally has nothing to do with libido, and more to do with problems in the relationship.

 

You're also using self destructive logic, i.e. "I can walk out in front of that bus, and if it hits me I sue because it's his fault". A smart person would give way regardless of right of way. In the same way, there are certain things in a relationship that are not right, such as a spouse cheating, but yet you have to know there are certain actions of your own that can push that scenario into happening.

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Would you say that the average married couple is happy? I know quite a few mid-30s married couples very well, and lack of sex generally has nothing to do with libido, and more to do with problems in the relationship.

 

You're also using self destructive logic, i.e. "I can walk out in front of that bus, and if it hits me I sue because it's his fault". A smart person would give way regardless of right of way. In the same way, there are certain things in a relationship that are not right, such as a spouse cheating, but yet you have to know there are certain actions of your own that can push that scenario into happening.

 

How can you generalize and quantify such a subjective thing such as "happiness"?? Furthermore, to base people's "happiness" in their marriage solely on the frequency of sex they are having is fallacy. If you look at it from a facts-based perspective, half of all couples remain married, so one could say that half of all married couples must be "happy" with the arrangement, since they stay married. The frequency that my husband and I have sex is fine with us, so long as it stays in balance, what's the issue? And yes, I'd say we're happy being "average" (that is 1-3 times/week, sometimes more/less). People can't hump like bunnies indefinitely.

 

Lack of sex can have a multitude of reasons for being, but often times, as in the case of the OP (ahem), it could be an imbalance in libido. It is more common than you would think. You are still being very subjective about this and using your own solipsistic perspective on how often people want/need sex.

 

And yes, I am refuting your opinion that sex once a week is "too little"... according to statistics, it is the NORM. You cannot refute that! Just because you feel it is too little FOR YOU does not make it a universal law.

 

And in what way am I using "self destructive logic" by simply pointing out this fact?

 

People cheat because they feel a lack of something in the relationship, and it is usually NOT only because they feel they're not getting enough sex. That is an excuse many cheaters tell themselves to justify the cheating. A rational person realizes that they can COMMUNICATE their needs to their partner if they're not getting enough sex, not run off to bump uglies with someone else. If someone is unhappy in a relationship, they should end it, not cheat. You're ostensibly excusing people to cheat if they feel they're not "getting enough."

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How can you generalize and quantify such a subjective thing such as "happiness"?? Furthermore, to base people's "happiness" in their marriage solely on the frequency of sex they are having is fallacy. If you look at it from a facts-based perspective, half of all couples remain married, so one could say that half of all married couples must be "happy" with the arrangement, since they stay married. The frequency that my husband and I have sex is fine with us, so long as it stays in balance, what's the issue? And yes, I'd say we're happy being "average" (that is 1-3 times/week, sometimes more/less). People can't hump like bunnies indefinitely.

 

You're confusing what is average vs. what people are OK with. Just because the "average" American is overweight doesn't mean that the average overweight individual is happy with it. If fact, polls show only 40% of married couples are happy with their sex life.

 

And no, people can't have daily sex their entire life but in your 30s or 40s? Absolutely. Even several times a week is fine. I'll stand by my opinion that once a week is hurting the relationship, even if you can't see it.

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