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BF Never seems to make plans with me (his GF) but always with other people.


miie

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Hi, this is starting to bug me a bit, but i dont know if im just over reacting!

 

My boyfriend tells me he is very busy and that he only has one day off a week - Saturday. He works three days and also studies. That part doesn't bother me too much as i have gotten used to it. I only see him Saturday nights. So i keep that night free.

 

However, he constantly seems to make plans with friends on a Saturday or Sunday during the day. When i ask him for something we can do, a place to go to, he tells me he is busy. This doesn't happen every so often, it happens ALL the time, every weekend. He can never seem to commit to a plan, its always 'wait and see'.

 

What is bugging me is that he'll make plans to go have lunch with some friends (girls) on a Saturday or Sunday. That part doesn't bother me. What does is that he NEVER makes plans with me during the day time of those days. I ask and ask but always get told he is busy and that he doesn't have time. The last time we actually spent a Saturday together in the day - at least 6 months ago. Im tired of just seeing him at night, there is only so much you can do. Just makes me feel like i come last to him sometimes.

 

I asked him recently for something to do during a Saturday. Now this could have happened anywhere between 9am and 8pm - his answer was 'maybe'. That pretty much means a no and i told him that and he tells me 'well no it means maybe i have a lot of things to do and i want to relax'. The thing i was asking for him to go to would have taken less than 30 mins.

 

Even if i were to discuss this with him, i just think i'll get a 'well you know i am busy i have a lot to do etc etc' and he wont consider how i am feeling.

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So you have told him how you have felt and he just gives you vague responses huh?

 

uhhhh...guys like this only think about themselves and do what they feel is best for them....big no no in my opinion...

 

honestly, the next time he asks you to hang out, tell him maybe or tell him you have other plans. I get the impression that he knows you will always be there for him, waiting to hang out, so he just makes you wait until it's more convenient for him. Don't do that.

 

If he doesn't plan ahead, you don't meet. He should be giving you the same courtesy he gives to his friends, if not, even more.

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Hmmmm....tough to make someone consider your feelings if they don't already. It sounds like you did the right thing by talking to him about it and you keep offering/trying to make plans, giving him many chances to take you up on it.

Since it sounds like everything revolves around his schedule and he's not willing to change any of his plans or include you, I'd maybe start getting "busy" in the evenings and politely tell him that you're not always available just on his terms. A little taste of his own medicine to drive the point home?? Normally I wouldn't play games like that, I'd just tell him it really bothers me and if that didn't matter to him I might reconsider what kind of long-term potential he has for me.

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So you have told him how you have felt and he just gives you vague responses huh?

 

uhhhh...guys like this only think about themselves and do what they feel is best for them....big no no in my opinion...

 

honestly, the next time he asks you to hang out, tell him maybe or tell him you have other plans. I get the impression that he knows you will always be there for him, waiting to hang out, so he just makes you wait until it's more convenient for him. Don't do that.

 

If he doesn't plan ahead, you don't meet. He should be giving you the same courtesy he gives to his friends, if not, even more.

 

I have told him in the past yep, and i get no where. I get snapped at by him and he tells me he is 'busy' and 'you know this'. Its got nothing to do with his work or study!

 

I do tend to wait around for him. I hate that i do to! I have gave the 'maybe' response to him. And INSTANTLY i get a 'why maybe'. Yet he can give it to me and it all has to be fine.

 

 

Hmmmm....tough to make someone consider your feelings if they don't already. It sounds like you did the right thing by talking to him about it and you keep offering/trying to make plans, giving him many chances to take you up on it.

Since it sounds like everything revolves around his schedule and he's not willing to change any of his plans or include you, I'd maybe start getting "busy" in the evenings and politely tell him that you're not always available just on his terms. A little taste of his own medicine to drive the point home?? Normally I wouldn't play games like that, I'd just tell him it really bothers me and if that didn't matter to him I might reconsider what kind of long-term potential he has for me.

 

Lately tho, im starting to get over asking for things for us to do and be told no! He is busy with his work and study, but if he can find time to catch up with friends for lunch during the day, lounge around doing nothing, washing his car etc - he should be able to find time for me - not just on a Saturday night. I dont want to play games but maybe i have to give him a taste of his own medicine a few times and if he complains might be a chance to talk about it.

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This guy has been treating you as a low priority for quite some time. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate this relationship?

 

Yeah. It comes and goes. I dont know if its always me just over analysing stuff (i seem to do this now a lot as i missed a lot of the 'red flags' in previous relationships). One moment he is treating me great, the next its like i dont exist!

 

And when its great, i tend to forget the bad. Sometimes i find myself thinking of marriage and kids. But from thigns he has said, i dont think these things are on his mind - or at least having htem with me. He always says he would with 'the right girl'.

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Has he always been like this in the two years you have gone out or is this a more recent development?

 

Um, probably most of the relationship - the seeing each other once a week thing. I've brought the problem up with him before. Got no where. It'll be great for a few months and then i just dont feel important or a priority to him. I think sometimes when i've pulled away a bit he tries to contact me more etc.

 

Not very long ago, something was bothering him, i still dont know what, but he shut me out for about a month, no replys, no phone calls, hardly see him just nothing. THen it just suddenly went backt o normal. I tried to find out what was wrong, but he would not open up or explain.

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I dated a guy like this before and it wasn't good. He always put himself first and I was not his priority, it's a not a good feeling to have. And what's even frustrating is, that you have tried to explain this to him and he understands how you feels, but still ignores your needs.

 

Guys like this are difficult because they are very wishy-washy within the relationship. Some days you have their attention, other days you don't. It's not a good sign: there's no stability here.

 

So here's the options ; have a talk with him and tell him that you don't feel like you are a priority in his life and that he needs to incorporate you into his life in order to be in this relationship.

 

Or

 

You stay busy, make plans with your friends, and go out. Don't be mean or give him any trouble. If he just calls you last minute to see you, tell him you made plans and you can't hang out. He asks why, just say you already made plans ahead of time. Hopefully after a few more times of this, he will get this act together and start planning ahead with you.

 

if that doesn't work:

 

You accept him the way he his and see him on his terms, whenever it's convenient for him.

 

Or

 

Let him go.

 

 

If he makes a change to incorporate you into his life (which he should be doing), then great. If not, then you know where you stand with him. It's a sticky situation but it's not your fault.

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You need to give him a chance to miss you. As difficult as it may be, take a few steps back from him and wait. Let him make his plans with other people for a while and don't give him the satisfaction of you begging for a bit of his time. Let him come find you. Once he does, he'll realize that you can back away if you don't get the attention you deserve... and if, for some reason, he doesn't come to find you- you really need to move on.

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^the problem is, they only see each other once a week as is--he has plenty of time to miss her IMO! I don't buy the "no time" crap. there's never enough time unless you MAKE time. he can fully well drive over to see you even on working days, if he wanted to. and no dates in the day time for the past 6 months?!?!?! that's insane! I would leave.

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Yep, when i have tried to explain, he gets defensive and acts like he hasn't a clue what im talking about. I think i'll try to keep busy for a few weeks, which wont be hard as i have a lot to do. I do need to give him a chance to miss me in a way - even tho i only see him once a week! I think im too available to him, i change my plans for him, i wait around for him. Just have to see if he'll make any effort to get in touch or see me.

 

Its becoming quite tiring never feeling like im important to him. People can be busy but you can still make the person you love feel important. I've noticed he will quite often give compliments to female friends over Facebook. He never gives me compliments. I can't remember the last time he told me i looked nice. I feel like im critiqued a lot by him.

 

Yep, no real going out in the day time either on the weekend. There are so many places or things we can do that don't cost anything. I ask. I used to ask more, but gradually i've just stoped because it is the same response. "maybe", ''we'll see'', 'depends on the weather'. I find it disappointing that he can't make and commit to a plan with me. I'll ask him weeks in advance and he still can't decide. It almost feels like he is waiting for another opportunity to come. Even tho we've been together for close to 2 years, is he just biding his time? He tells me he loves me (not very often tho). His actions dont always show it. Sometimes i feel like im an inconvenience, a hassle to him, that im no good and not worth it, coz if i were, would he make more of an effort? or has he just gotten into a 'comfortable zone' and forgotten?

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Miie, I remember you had a post awhile back talking about this same problem. And I don't think it will change, no matter what you do (become "busy", talk to him, etc). It shouldn't be a roller coaster with him, with a constant good time then bad time. Is this a dealbreaker for you or not? It seems like this is because it's bothering you so much, and quite frankly, with very good reason. You're always low priority for him and you deserve better. He's never going to change. I'm sorry, but he won't.

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If he only sees you once a week and only every Saturday night, then sadly i don't think you're really his GF, just his Saturday night booty call...

 

You have no clue what he is doing with the rest of his time... he could be juggling several women, and have a Friday night GF and a Sunday GF and a twice a week during the week GF for all you know...

 

And he's obviously in total control of your relationship if you let him get away with this and put you into a little box that only he controls.

 

I'd just tell him you have no intention of being a perpetual saturday night booty call, and if he doesn't want to be your REAL BF that you see more often and when it is convenient for you as well as him, then you're done with him!

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This has to be really upsetting for you. I agree with Lavenderdove, he acts as if you're more of a booty call than a girlfriend. I believe that in a healthy relationship, both partners try to incorporate each other in their lives as much as possible. I understand that everyone needs a little space and time to their selves, but seriously.. Once a week in the p.m hours? Seems pretty shady to me. I put up with something similar in the past from an ex, and it didn't turn out good. In fact he turned out to be a cheater. Please take caution, especially since he hangs out with girl "friends" and compliments them on facebook. I personally would never tolerate such a thing, but of course its up to you and you have your own boundaries. I must ask this though, does he acknowledge you on facebook? Is his status "in a relationship" with you? Does he put up pictures of the 2 of you or would his page give off a single vibe? Either way, he's making you look bad if he's complimenting other girls on facebook. Do NOT stand for that crap!

 

This makes me angry just thinking about all this because I went through something so similar a few years back and I remember how awful I felt all the time. If I were you, I'd dump him FAST and stand up for yourself and your needs!

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I agree with what others have said, it seems very shady. It's not normal to be in a 2 year long relationship, and only see each other once a week, and just for the night. You learn to make time for each other. You sound like you're his booty call, not his GF. Are you publicly acknowledged as his GF? Either with his family, friends, on FB, or whatever? The fact that he can make plans with other people on during the day on the weekends, but not you, should really let you know where you stand with him. And I'm sorry to say, but you are one of his last priorities. You ultimately need to do what's right for you, and only you can make that decision. But if this was MY situation, I would leave him. There is no need to play games, and be busy, giving him an opportunity to "miss you". He already has PLENTY of opportunity to miss you, and if he doesn't during that time (which he clearly doesn't), then why is he going to miss you now? I would get out of this relationship, and take some time for myself. When the time is right, I'd start dating again. Trust me, you will meet someone who wants to be with you. You just haven't met him yet.

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Yeah. It comes and goes. I dont know if its always me just over analysing stuff (i seem to do this now a lot as i missed a lot of the 'red flags' in previous relationships). One moment he is treating me great, the next its like i dont exist!

 

And when its great, i tend to forget the bad. Sometimes i find myself thinking of marriage and kids. But from thigns he has said, i dont think these things are on his mind - or at least having htem with me. He always says he would with 'the right girl'.

 

This.. this right here is exactly how I felt with my ex. I was not happy with how things were. I kept telling myself things would get better and one day he would wake up and realize he wants to spend more time with me, but that never happened. I wish I had given him a wake up call and broken up with him because he continued to take me for granted for months and months.

 

We were together for almost 2 years as well.. and the reason I always stayed with him was.. because there were great times which made me forget the bad - like you said. And I also have a tendency to over analyze things so I thought it was just me being too critical and over thinking. But looking back now, I wasn't. If I would have trusted my gut I could have gotten out of a bad relationship sooner instead of later.

And my ex would never talk about marriage or kids (he was almost 25). We literally had no future planned.

My gut told me this the entire time, but I wouldn't listen.

 

I really, really think you should rethink your relationship with him. If you don't feel happy with how things are, that is not likely to change especially since you have spoken to him many times about this. It took a huge accident and my ex telling me he needed to be alone for me to realize I should have left him alone a long time ago. Please don't let your relationship get that far. He clearly isn't making you a priority and you deserve better!

 

I thought I would be lost without my ex so I hung on for too long. Truth is, I am MUCH much happier now. I don't cry every night and I don't wait for him to make plans with me. There are guys out there who will be excited to include you in their life.

 

You deserve to feel wanted, to feel missed. I remember how lonely I felt some days because I felt like my ex wouldn't have cared if I dropped off the face of the earth. And now that I have been single for a few months and am seeing someone new, I see things much more clearly. If I am ever again in a relationship where I feel like it is completely one sided and I am the only one trying and making him a priority, I will get out.

 

Please do that for yourself. Others have said give him time to miss you, but I tried that numerous times and it does not work! People don't just suddenly realize things over night. Now that I am not with my ex, he has told me numerous times he took me for granted and that he loves me and all that. Now that we are OVER he realizes this. And now it's too late for him.

 

Sorry for ranting, but I really hate seeing people stuck in the same situation I was in!

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I think it's weird in a 2year relationship that you don't spend more than 1 evening a week together. If this was early on, ok. I can also understand that if he has limited spare time he would like to spend some of that with his friends. But never wanting to spend a day or a whole weekend with your girlfriend? - Why did you accept that for such a long time?

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Um, probably most of the relationship - the seeing each other once a week thing. I've brought the problem up with him before. Got no where. It'll be great for a few months and then i just dont feel important or a priority to him. I think sometimes when i've pulled away a bit he tries to contact me more etc.

 

Not very long ago, something was bothering him, i still dont know what, but he shut me out for about a month, no replys, no phone calls, hardly see him just nothing. THen it just suddenly went backt o normal. I tried to find out what was wrong, but he would not open up or explain.

 

I think it's fairly obvious that he was with someone else for that time, and it didn't work out, so he returned to his normal Saturday night date - you. And sorry to be blunt, but that's what you are: a convenient date one evening a week. That's not a relationship. A relationship is where you share what's going on in your life, see each other whenever possible within reason and the other constraints of life, and show that you are each other's top priority. This guy doesn't see you as a life partner - he's still interviewing for that vacancy in his lunches and Facebook conversations with other girls - he sees as a backup plan to keep him with a date on a Saturday night until he finds someone else. I would end it immediately if I were you.

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Thanks for the replies.

 

He has listed me has his girlfriend on facebook, and tends to put photos up of us or me. I do know his family, his mom pretty well and have met some relatives a few times and stayed with family friends. He once joked about 'his other girlfriend' in front of his mom to me, and she whispered to me that no other girls have been around. I know that doesn't mean he isn't cheating. He lives with his mom still. We'll have lunch maybe every few weeks, but sometimes i have to push for it. But is like for an hour. I would rather be spending the day with him and go out and do something. He has done this sort of thing of taking people for granted in previous relationships too. He seems to get very upset if i tell him no if he actually makes a suggestion to do something.

I'll do some thinking.

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