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Is it disrespectful not go to a loved one's funeral,because u cant stand the pain?


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Hi everyone,Im really conflicted with this.

In my family, there is going to be a funeral or two (predicted) this year.

I dont want to go, because i cant stand the pain. I love these people so much, and i cannot bear to go to their funeral. When i was little i went to my grandma's funeral and was crying really loudly through the whole thing. It was really horrible, for everyone.

 

I know it will be my last chance to say goodbye, and their official time to rest in peace. So i feel if dont go, i might regret it later. I think my mum and dad and other people in my family might be really insulted and angry if i dont go. But i know if i do, i wont be able to control my heart and ill make a huge scene with my crying and make the whole experience more upsetting for myself, and everyone. It will be really awkward as well, because i never let my family see me cry.. I dont like crying in front of others, and there will be alot of friends of the departed there, and i just dont want to be a part of any of it.

 

I really really dont know what to do. I dont want to be disrespectful to the loved one that has passed..

 

Please help me, what should i do???

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Everyone is different. Some people are "okay" at funerals and some people just can't, emotionally, do it. If you really can't even bare to think about going talk to some of you family members about it. It will help to know what they think.

 

If they are sympathetic then you don't have to go. After the funeral when everyone is gone maybe you could go by yourself so no one will see you cry. If you go afterwords it isn't disrespectful. It's more personal and intimate if you go by yourself if you think about it.

 

-Elly

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It's completely your choice.

 

It's not disrespectful if you don't attend, even if your family says so.

 

I know how hard it can be to attend the funeral of a loved one. I had to attend my father's a few years ago. I knew it was going to be extremely hard, but I also knew I would regret it if I didn't go.

 

Bottom line: Do whatever you feel most comfortable with. Just think hard about it & make sure you won't regret your decision later.

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One thing to remember is that you can't run away from the pain. Eventually it will catch up to you & you will have to deal w/ it. Just be prepared when that day comes.

 

I made a scene at my grandfather's funeral & I didn't care one bit. I was so close to him & I've never felt such pain before. I still cry for him. Today is 2 years that my grandma died, & monday will be 6 years that he died. I still cry over both of them. It's ok that I do.

 

And it will be ok if you cry for them. Emotions & grieving are part of life. There's no escaping it, no matter how hard it is. Just know that it may creep up one day & you may have to deal w/ it eventually.

 

For now, going to the funeral is your choice. I'm glad I went to my grandparents' funerals b/c it gave me closure even though I still get sad for them. But it helped me get thru the actual pain of it faster.

 

Good luck.

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Funerals ARE for the living. Mourning is done to help the living coup. This service is closure for you.

 

If you feel like it will do more harm then good, politely tell the family of the deceased that you do not think that you could handle the funeral but that your heart is with them. Tell them that you feel that you will be a disturbance and do not want to detract from the service. And ask if there is anything else you can do.

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You need to make sure that you wont you wont regret it. Usually they go for a few hours, and yes it would probably be extremely painful for that time, but If you stay at home while everyone is there. Will you feel better? Unlikely.

 

If you go, you can always where sunglasses. dont worry about what they'll think of you if you cry. Even if you dont like crying infront of others (and who does!), they wouldn't judge you for that. If you have a partner, take them with you for support. or a close friend to lean on.

 

Its more likely you'll regret not going than going.

 

but if you feel you really cant, explain to the family, most people would understand. funerals are tougher for some and thats ok.

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I was this way for a long time. When the funeral was going on, I would spend the time in a quiet stting, like a park, and remember the person that passed. I cried, but on my own.

I always let the family know that I couldn't handle it, but would grieve in my own way. They were OK with that.

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My boyfriend died unexpectidly 4 months ago. I did not go to his funeral. I do not regret my choice. Noone was prepared for his death... and i was in denial at the time. I am bothered by the fact that people look so different in death and the last thing i wanted was that vision in my mind forever. I wanted to remember him the way i last saw him. that is comforting for me anyway. This summer i want to go to the cemetery where i will say goodbye my own way. I think you just have to do what is best and most comforting for you. Noone else should judge or tell you what you should do...

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My boyfriend died unexpectidly 4 months ago. I did not go to his funeral. I do not regret my choice. Noone was prepared for his death... and i was in denial at the time. I am bothered by the fact that people look so different in death and the last thing i wanted was that vision in my mind forever. I wanted to remember him the way i last saw him. that is comforting for me anyway. This summer i want to go to the cemetery where i will say goodbye my own way. I think you just have to do what is best and most comforting for you. Noone else should judge or tell you what you should do...

 

Thanks rturner, ur advice really helped!

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Noone else should judge or tell you what you should do...

 

This is 100% right. Do not let them judge you or tell you that you have to be there. It is your decision. As others have mentioned, you can say goodbye in your own way, alone. Go to the grave by yoruself when your ready or something. light a candle for them. do what will help you recover from the pain of loosing them. that is what will most likely help you get through it.

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I will only go to my close family and extremely close friends funerals from now on. I couldn't risk of going to someone not close to me as I can't take the risk of emotions overwhelming me or the memories of my husband and his funeral. Its just too much.

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Thanks rturner, ur advice really helped!

 

Im glad. i hope you can find peace within yourself and that noone makes you feel any kind of way about it. Funerals are very morbid in my opininon... i am making sure that i get a celebration of my life and not a wake where i am laid up on display so people can talk about how i looked bad, or old or not like me..... i want to be remembered alive, with my smile and big heart.... ((hugs))

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I think that people should go to the funeral of a loved one unless there are really exceptional circumstances that prevent someone from going. "It is too painful and I can't deal with it" is just not good enough. Just on this thread alone there are so many of you who have bugged out of going to funerals for that reason. Do you really think that everyone who goes to a funeral is comfortable and at ease? Of course not...they do it out of respect and a sense of duty and support to the immediate family. It is about mourners banding together to support each other. A funeral is just dreadful for the mourners...imagine if everyone decided not to show because "it was too painful and they couldn't deal with it". Death is a part of being in this world...being at a funeral is unpleasant for everyone but people swallow their discomfort, control themselves and go to show their support.

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As much as i see you point of view... funerals are not mandatory and i believe that everyone has a right to do what they feel is comfortable. i believe to each is own. you may find it one way and others find it another way. i did not go to my boyfriends funeral and i still stand by my decision. i have done things to say goodbye in my own way and will continue to honor him everyday of my life. there are always ways to honor a person and their loved ones without having to be at the wake/funeral. but that is my opinion and how i will conduct my life/future. i do however respect your difference in opinion and appreciate it.

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I can see all points of view. Im just extremely emotional. It seems like a complete nightmare to go. Im actually scared. Before all this, back in the caveman days i wonder what they did? They prob didnt have any such thing as a funeral. I think that its just modern societys view that this is how you should pay respects to a loved one that has died. But society isnt always right, and different people are different. I still dont know though..I just cant budge at all with my decision of to go or not to go..

Thanks 4 ur advice though.

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Funerals are such a large part of history. Look at the ancient tombs and temples where people were honored when they died. They were buried with gifts and jewels and things to take to the afterlife. I think that's a wonderful thing. It's a way to honor someone's life for all they've done. It's selfless to go to the funeral b/c you're able to put aside your feelings and fears and thoughts of death to go honor them. Not going b/c you don't want to feel the pain, I think, is in a way selfish b/c it's sort of saying that you're more worried about you shedding a few tears and feeling sad than you are that they died.

 

You can't run from emotional pain. Eventually it will catch up to you whether you go to the funeral or not. Better to get it over with than to let it creep up on you unexpectedly and explode in amounts larger than it may have been initially.

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I can def see both points of view.. although i always say do what you feel is right... in your heart. Everyone is different and its hard to take advice from people, when everyone has a different opinion. I believe you should follow your heart... Trust me, i am still grieving in my situation... but me personally, a funeral, his funeral was not the place for me and i am ok with it... I have made peace. I know that he would understand my reasoning for not going. Girl, do what you feel will give you peace. Dont worry about what anyone else... anyone else at all will think of you..... either way, if you go or not.. you will have peace, as long as you feel you can say goodbye in whatever way you choose to do so.

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It's your decision, but I thought I'd share my feelings about it.

 

For each funeral of a loved one close to me there has been, there has never been a time I wanted to go. In fact, on the days surrounding, there were all sorts of scenarios in my head trying to think of ways to get out of it.

 

But I've never regretted going. I made the decision to go because inside, I felt like I would have regretted if I hadn't. Going alone to visit the grave isn't the same to me. The funeral or whatever ceremony/gathering the particular people involved do as a way of laying someone to rest; well it's a place to openly express and come together and it's socially conducive to that.

 

I'm the sort of person who has had a lot of trouble opening up, especially when it comes to crying - so it was a strange relief in a way to be able to just hold people or be the one with my hand on someone's shoulder - but it was sharing grief to me. Not necessarily with tears.

 

Sometimes it is with action too, a last honouring. This was the case for me - I wanted to show up and bring the spirit of that person with me. It's hard to explain and it might sound corny; but yes, I did feel in a way it would have been letting that person down even though they were passed. Letting them down in the sense of carrying on what that person had brought when people needed it the most in their absense; in particular this person showed me how beautiful a contribution it can be to be reliable.

 

You just have to search your heart. I know it sounds corny. Going isn't an obligation....it's an opportunity. Think of it that way and then make your decision.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Not only is it disrespectful to your loved one, but it is disrespectful to the family. When my grandma passed away, people flew in from all over the country. The only person who didn't go was her own brother, who she raised like her own son after their parents past away. We were a bit offended that he decided not to come, especially because we knew she would have wanted her baby brother there.

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I think it's an entirely personal decision. I do not think it is selfish not to go. I think this is one of those situations in which people need to respect each others' decisions. People mourn in different ways and not everyone chooses to attend the funeral as part of that process, although many people do. I think it's an extremely personal choice and neither choice is wrong. People should not be offended if they go to a funeral and don't see someone there because it's not about those people's feeling vis-a-vis the person who chooses not to attend the funeral--it's about the mourning process--and paying tribute to the person who has died--and people do that in different ways.

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