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Full Disclosure - Is honesty the best policy?


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A year ago I met a guy and so the story goes... We dated, which progressed into a loving relationship, and now we are living together. We are "normal" couple with our ups and downs but at the end of each day I can honestly say that I am so unbelievably lucky to have this person in my life.

 

Rewind to month 1. We had been on 2 (maybe three dates) before I traveled for a long weekend with friends. We stayed in touch but at this point, I was not sure if I saw this relationship going anywhere but I enjoyed the time we spent together and knew we would continue talking/wanting to him again.

 

On the weekend vaca, there was this other guy. No future potential feasible, this I knew, but the drinks were flowing, i was attracted to him and he was attracted to me, so we ended up having a one-nightstand. [i also should disclose that he was just released from probation... He served time for sexual offense. Without going into the whole background - he and the girl he was dating were both intoxicated and she said no. He served his sentence and is now a registered sex offender. This I all knew prior to hooking up and what has added to the guilt I will express later in this post. I made a choice. The good, bad, and ugly, I made a choice I have to live with, and as much as I wish I could take it back, I cannot.]

 

When I got home I saw my guy again and things progressed. About a week after my vaca he said he did not want to see other people and I agreed. My one-nightstand reached out once or twice since that one weekend, but it was nothing more than a "hi how are you doing" and I did tell him I was in committed relationship with someone I cared about. He understood and we have not spoken since.

 

I never felt the need to say anything because... well we were dating. It wasn't official... Every "excuse" that pops into my head feels like a cop-out. But really I was embrassed and ashamed of the choices I made. I have not thought a about that weekend or felt this sense of guilt until I found out that my one-nightstand will be attending a destination wedding I will be attending as well with my partner.

 

Do I believe my one-nightstand will make a scene? No. But others who will also be in attendance at the wedding know of my weekend escapade and like to "stir the pot."

 

After a year I feel as though it's too late to dig up the past. However, I would never want my partner to be blindsided, so he knows that this one-night stand may be in attendance he just does not know that we hooked-up when he and I were first dating...

 

Thoughts?

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You weren’t exclusive but you two were dating just each other?

 

I’m more concerned you hooked up with a sex offender. I think you need to find out why you would do that. If you were tipsy still you could have used better judgment. Do you think subconsciously you were trying to self sabatoge the dating the other guy?

 

As for coming clean I would. I take it this weighs heavily on your mind still and will continue to do so until you tell him.

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Avoid the compulsion to indulge in unnecessary drama. You have no cause to tell him about this, and there's absolutely zero benefit to him in knowing. If I were him, I'd be more concerned about what reason you might have to be telling me rather than the story itself. Full disclosure and diarrhea of the mouth or two completely different things.

 

And I doubt your friends are going to bring up a previous one-night stand to your now boyfriend. I'm not above pushing boundaries with my humor, but that would be pretty ****ing socially stunted. That's not stirring the pot; that's just weird. Like, "Tabitha, what the hell is wrong with you?" weird.

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I also think you showed very bad judgment in having sex with a known sex offender, but you've clearly beaten yourself up for it enough.

 

What you did before you had the 'exclusive' talk was your business. You also told him (the sex offender) that you were in a relationship, and I'm assuming that he respected that and stopped trying to communicate with you. If you run into him at the wedding, there's no need to talk to him at all.

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The only thing I would do is to get tested for STIs. Ensure that you did not acquire any infections.

 

As for talking about the encounter? No way!!

 

All you will do is harm your relationship.

 

If, as you have set up the scenario, it was only a few weeks into dating, then you have nothing to say about it.

 

You were not exclusive.

 

The one-night-stand guy was not creeping on you, it was consensual.

 

I do think you ought to avid any contact with him at the wedding, beyond the group is at the table the stuff. Certainly not alone for any reason.

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Agree with the general consensus.

 

There's nothing to talk about and, really, no reason for shame and guilt. You had a romp with a hot, shady dude when you were single. You're in good, noble company there. You've talked it out with a professional, put the past behind you. That's what adults do. If you need to do some more talking—if this upcoming wedding has stirred those embers—then book an appointment or two with your therapist.

 

As j.man said, I'd be far more thrown by your choice to tell me about this a year later than the choice you made to sleep with him. It would not feel like "honesty" but like dramatics, or you asking me to wear your guilt with the new suit I'd picked out for the wedding. No need for that. No need, as said, to even feel guilty.

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You weren't exclusive, so even if any idiots at the wedding try to stir up drama, who cares? It happened before you became exclusive, and you told the guy you were in an exclusive relationship, which he respected.

 

I get why you want to tell your boyfriend. You want to avoid any possible drama. But if someone does bring it up, you can just tell him that it happened before you were exclusive, and that if he has any questions, you'll be happy to answer.

 

The best way to avoid any drama by these idiots is to gray-rock it. (look up gray rock if you're not familiar). Basically, just sit there with a blank expression when they poke at you about it, and talk about what lovely weather we lucked into for this fabulous event. Wanna dance?

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Don't get why you would hook up with a sex offender. Blech.

 

Just going to take a moment to say that I really don't understand what is served by a comment like this. You tell someone there's no reason to feel guilty, and then, in the next sentence, level some snarky judgment at someone you know is feeling guilty. What's that about?

 

I love the no-bs advice you give, Holly, and agree with it probably 95 percent of the time. But you run the risk of preventing it from being heard by pouring salt on a nearly healed wound.

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Will that guy even be able to attend the destination wedding? Most countries will block a known sex offender at the border...

 

Does your bf know that you ever had a one-night-stand with him? I might be inclined to tell him that some guy you had a fling with will be there, but I wouldn’t talk about the timeline.

 

Talking about the timeline is TMI and unnecessary, IMO. And really, if your friends bring it up - including the timeline - I wouldn’t consider them friends at all? That’s not “stirring the pot”, it’s flat-out mean spirited.

 

... and at the end of the day, you weren’t exclusive so you are in the clear, IMO.

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Will that guy even be able to attend the destination wedding? Most countries will block a known sex offender at the border...

 

Does your bf know that you ever had a one-night-stand with him? I might be inclined to tell him that some guy you had a fling with will be there, but I wouldn’t talk about the timeline.

 

Talking about the timeline is TMI and unnecessary, IMO. And really, if your friends bring it up - including the timeline - I wouldn’t consider them friends at all? That’s not “stirring the pot”, it’s flat-out mean spirited.

 

... and at the end of the day, you weren’t exclusive so you are in the clear, IMO.

 

I agree -say nothing and if you test positive for STIs or could have exposed your boyfriend, tell him that.

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Just going to take a moment to say that I really don't understand what is served by a comment like this. You tell someone there's no reason to feel guilty, and then, in the next sentence, level some snarky judgment at someone you know is feeling guilty. What's that about?

 

I love the no-bs advice you give, Holly, and agree with it probably 95 percent of the time. But you run the risk of preventing it from being heard by pouring salt on a nearly healed wound.

 

Well said.

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Just going to take a moment to say that I really don't understand what is served by a comment like this. You tell someone there's no reason to feel guilty, and then, in the next sentence, level some snarky judgment at someone you know is feeling guilty. What's that about?

 

I love the no-bs advice you give, Holly, and agree with it probably 95 percent of the time. But you run the risk of preventing it from being heard by pouring salt on a nearly healed wound.

 

I don't get your comment?

 

She has no reason to feel guilty.

 

Personally, if I knew that someone was on a sex offender registry, I would not engage in sex with them. That is a deal breaker. Two other members made a similar comment. i do not see you responding to them. Why are you singling me out?

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I also think you showed very bad judgment in having sex with a known sex offender, but you've clearly beaten yourself up for it enough.

 

What you did before you had the 'exclusive' talk was your business. You also told him (the sex offender) that you were in a relationship, and I'm assuming that he respected that and stopped trying to communicate with you. If you run into him at the wedding, there's no need to talk to him at all.

Originally posted by SarahLancaster.

I just copied and pasted wrong, sorry.

 

I was pretty much going to write the above.

 

If you didn't have the exclusivity talk, then you didn't do anything wrong. Very poor judgement but nothing more.

I can't see anyone starting up a drama from a year ago..that's too weird. But if you're really stressed, you could just forgo the wedding.

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I don't get your comment?

 

She has no reason to feel guilty.

 

Personally, if I knew that someone was on a sex offender registry, I would not engage in sex with them. That is a deal breaker. Two other members made a similar comment. i do not see you responding to them. Why are you singling me out?

 

I don't want to get into something that detracts from OP's predicament.

 

Yes, one person voiced concern about that, and OP mentioned she worked through it with a professional. Another person agreed that it wasn't the soundest judgement call, while emphasizing that OP had beaten herself up enough. You made what I think are sound points—no need to say a word, no need feel guilt—while then ending on a note of alarm and disgust at a choice OP can't take back and would benefit more from moving on from than being controlled by.

 

So that's why I signaled it out, because the takeaway is an accent on the source of shame rather than the solution.

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I don't want to get into something that detracts from OP's predicament.

 

Yes, one person voiced concern about that, and OP mentioned she worked through it with a professional. Another person agreed that it wasn't the soundest judgement call, while emphasizing that OP had beaten herself up enough. You made what I think are sound points—no need to say a word, no need feel guilt—while then ending on a note of alarm and disgust at a choice OP can't take back and would benefit more from moving on from than being controlled by.

 

So that's why I signaled it out, because the takeaway is an accent on the source of shame rather than the solution.

 

Did I misread the thread? I thought that her guilt was due to the fact that she slept with this guy- believe that she cheated- not because he was a convicted rapist.

 

As women, we need to make better judgement calls when it comes to safety!

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Resist the urge to engage in damage control and indulge the true confessions. If your friends gossip or it comes out simply dismiss it as a hookup prior to dating. Are you concerned the sex offender aspect will come out and that you knew about it prior to the hookup? Of course sex offenders are easy to find online, that is the point of registering sex offenders.A hookup prior to exclusive dating is not really an issue however are you concerned that your bf will question your judgement in men?

I found out that my one-nightstand will be attending a destination wedding I will be attending as well with my partner. Do I believe my one-nightstand will make a scene? No. But others who will also be in attendance at the wedding know of my weekend escapade and like to "stir the pot."
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Agree. The hookup thing is nothing, but the sex offender thing could be taken not as disgust necessarily but poor judgement. All you you can do is play it by ear and if it comes out, admit to a lapse in judgement. Keep in mind that someone is actually inviting a registered sex offender to their wedding, so go figure. How many of these people know about his past and that you hooked up once?

And to your other questions, yes and yes. That's why I did not omit that part of the story as much as I knew I would it "disgust" others.
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Let sleeping dogs lie.

 

You weren't exclusive.

 

If you decide to tell your boyfriend, you risk losing him. If your friends stir the pot by broaching this topic, again, you weren't exclusive at the time.

 

You can't keep beating yourself up over this. Just enjoy your life with your boyfriend and have a bright future with him!

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How important is this wedding in the first place? It seems like a whole lot of nosy and disrespectful people. I'm going by the way you've framed it in post #1 regarding stirring the pot. If it's in bad company, you might want to rethink your decision to go or any idea about introducing or bringing your boyfriend to it. Going to an event full of people you don't get along with and asking if it's a risk is a bit like putting your hand in the fire and asking whether you'll feel the heat.

 

Any issue that you feel is bothering you should be between your boyfriend and you. If it helps you move forward with your future, I'd encourage being open about your past. It seems like you are feeling uncertain about what happened back then and may be using this wedding event and the likelihood of seeing your fling there as a reason to come clean.

 

I'll also come at this from a different angle: living authentically and without fear. You cannot lose someone who inherently and completely is in love with you. If you are fearful of being judged, fearful of appearing as you really are and unable to feel understood or feel a kinship with your boyfriend or a closeness between the both of you, you should ask yourself how important is it that you tell him more about yourself. I think he deserves to know you and your whole you and you should live fearlessly without worrying about your own boyfriend thinks of you. If it seems a bit TMI, so be it, but let him be the one to judge you for it. I'm sensing a whole lot of fear here and I don't think it's healthy or living very genuinely especially considering how perturbed you are.

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How important is this wedding in the first place? It seems like a whole lot of nosy and disrespectful people. I'm going by the way you've framed it in post #1 regarding stirring the pot. If it's in bad company, you might want to rethink your decision to go or any idea about introducing or bringing your boyfriend to it. Going to an event full of people you don't get along with and asking if it's a risk is a bit like putting your hand in the fire and asking whether you'll feel the heat.

 

Any issue that you feel is bothering you should be between your boyfriend and you. If it helps you move forward with your future, I'd encourage being open about your past. It seems like you are feeling uncertain about what happened back then and may be using this wedding event and the likelihood of seeing your fling there as a reason to come clean.

 

I'll also come at this from a different angle: living authentically and without fear. You cannot lose someone who inherently and completely is in love with you. If you are fearful of being judged, fearful of appearing as you really are and unable to feel understood or feel a kinship with your boyfriend or a closeness between the both of you, you should ask yourself how important is it that you tell him more about yourself. I think he deserves to know you and your whole you and you should live fearlessly without worrying about your own boyfriend thinks of you. If it seems a bit TMI, so be it, but let him be the one to judge you for it. I'm sensing a whole lot of fear here and I don't think it's healthy or living very genuinely especially considering how perturbed you are.

 

I think that all couples should have their private spaces - like the Carly Simon song "we have no secrets"

 

Yes I think you can lose someone who loves you if you abuse that love and trust by oversharing especially if it's mostly "so I feel better/so I can unburden my guilt". Unburdening guilt as a main reason means it typically is not fair to the person you love to burden them with it. If she feels she cannot move forward with him without telling him this experience she should question herself as to why - a one night stand with a sex offender is part of her authentic self? If so then yes he deserves to know that if she feels she may be tempted to have sex with him or another sex offender or felon again -if that's what floats her boat. But if it's a past experience and he wasn't exposed to STI it needs to stay in the past and if it's so important that he know that about her she needs to ask herself if this past experience will affect her choices in the future. I'd want to know if my partner was genuinely more attracted to dangerous people who've abused and hurt others such that she would put our lives in some sort of danger or harm's way. It doesn't sound like she feels that way.

 

I do agree she could skip the wedding -great idea!!

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