Is it worth giving him a chance, or is he a player?

[amii1]

In my twenties, never had a BF outside of an LDR and by this February, I really wanted to experience sex. So, I went drinking with a long time crush who asked me to hang out (I've known him for years from university, but we rarely spoke - the crush on him was purely physical attraction). I knew he was sort of a player, but it didn't matter, as the goal was just sex. As expected, Jim (let's call him that) flirted a lot and by the end, asked if I wanted to come over. We held hands in the cab ride, and before I knew it, we were sleeping together. I had the time of my life. When home, as I originally assumed, I thought that would be it and I'd forget him. I was just glad I got to finally experience all that. Now I could go back to my normal life.

 

Well... to my horror, I couldn't stop thinking about that night/experience. I recognized that as lust and not love, but didn't want to possibly get feelings involved, so I ignored his invites. But after a month, I caved. But this time, sober, we talked for hours. I learned he's starting his masters, and I'm into my studies as well - basically we had a lot of common life goals. Eventually, we got super comfortable and his really strange sense of humour came to light. Which happens to be my exact sense of humour. And let me tell you, that's a rarity. Stuff like, "Let me tell you about myself. It all started when I was a stripper in the 60s..." like just absolute nonsense stuff like that. We had each other laughing so hard, we'd fall over. With time, every weekend involved him for the next 2 months, and I caught feelings. Now, I still did realize that he had a history of sleeping around at university, and even when I came back from the bathroom one time, he was on Tindr (though the screen was blank, so dunno what he was doing). But believe it or not, it didn't bother me because I know we're simply friends with benefits and he's allowed, just as much as I am, to do whatever he wants with anyone. It's just that I wish he was mine. It's just that I like him very much by now. Not to a level of jealousy, but still.

 

I never brought up my feelings because he's back in his hometown until September, and we only recently started to see each other, so it doesn't make sense to turn this into something serious right before he leaves. However, he'd always introduce me to each roommate over time, cuddle me in front of them, take me out with them, invite me to parties, and sort of make me feel as if I was more than just a friend with benefits (though who knows, maybe this is normal for him to do with every girl). A few times, he'd ask me to come visit his hometown and stay with him for a while there, but I'd simply say that that's just too serious. I also brought up his Tindr to kind of express how what we have isn't serious, and he said he doesn't go on it anymore. Basically, true or not, he was trying to somehow make me feel special I think. I also told him about how I knew he slept around during our university years, and he joked about how that was him during his prime and how he doesn't do that anymore. He also brought up how disgusting it is to cheat on people. I do know that his last girlfriend in university cheated on him, and he became so upset that he ended up shaving his hair off in a breakdown. Our mutual friends all know that. So, I like to think that maybe he isn't a player and actually values loyalty, but I don't fully believe that because I'm scared of liking him too much and then getting hurt. He'll be 24 end of August, by the way. Maybe that's too young for a guy to take dating seriously?

 

The last night before he left to his hometown, someone was hitting on me, and Jim ended up cuddling me in front of them and basically made it look like we're a thing. Anyway, I was very sad that Jim was about to leave. He must have kissed me 20 times right before catching the flight. Days later, on video chat, I sort of questioned his behaviour around that other guy. He said, "I had to do that because I wanted him to know that you're mine." Well, my heart was definitely super happy to hear that, but I mean, that's not the case. No, I'm not his, and we've never had a serious talk about any of this. However, he was drunk on video, and honestly even if he was sober, I didn't and don't want to have that kind of talk over video chat. Only when he's back will I be alright with discussing these things. Anyway, he also let me know that he gets sad when I ignore his texts (I do answer him, but I don't make it a priority to respond right away because well, I'm not trying to fall for him when I don't know him super well yet). I reminded him he also takes up to 3 days to answer, just like me. The difference is, I notice that he'll be online on FB on and off (indicating that he's having conversations there) a lot of the time but still won't text me until much later, so he can't be that busy, right? But again, he was drinking on video, so that kind of talk was pointless. I do know that he's working 6/7 days a week at his hometown. However, it doesn't mean he doesn't have any time to hook up with someone there. And I'm fine whether he does or doesn't, honestly. But, I just don't want to get so attached because I don't know if he really cares yet or not. He's asked to video chat multiple times, but half of those times don't work out because he ends up being too busy. It started to bother me but I talked myself out of caring so much about this being anything more than FWB. However, it doesn't change that I do like him so much, and can't wait until he's back.

 

That being said, I want to add that he's told me many times that he has no time to see anyone at his hometown, since he's working too much, things like that. Basically, making it sound like there isn't anyone else on his radar. But, if that was the case, wouldn't he message me back much sooner? Or at least make the video chats work out even if he ended up being too tired, even for a few minutes? Like last night he asked if he could call me this afternoon while on his way to the airport to pick up his brother, but now it's past that time and so obviously he ended up being busy. In his slight defence, one time he came over to my place when I asked him to, and I could tell he was extremely tired, but yet he showed up anyway. However, it could have been just for sex, and not just for me. Another time, on video chat, his eyes were nearly closing over and over from being sleepy, so tired after a work day. Therefore, it could be true there really aren't other girls and he really is just a very busy person and can't always catch up with me. Orrrrr, he's a typical "don't really care" kind of guy. Or worse, a player.

 

I just can't figure him out. When he's back, do you think I should give this whole thing a serious chance? Or does it sound like this isn't going anywhere and I shouldn't get my hopes up? Should I say something specific to him when he's back? Does he sound like a player? Answer to whatever and however you'd like. I've never liked anyone this much before, but I also don't have much "real" experience beyond Jim so it's difficult for me to be wise about this.

[Jellybean9]

Hey there!

 

Just read your post.

 

Just from what I've read is he your "first" you don't have to answer just what I gathered when you said you wanted to "experience all that".

 

If he is I know some on this forum may not agree with me but you probably have had some emotional attachment for him since the first time. Which is why you are probably feeling a lot now.

 

This whole messaging thing... It's a massive deal on modern dating. I don't agree with his late replies when he is obviously online that said you are also playing it as a game. By you not being you and replying days later it creates some sort of game. Now I don't agree anyone should jump when someone clicks their fingers but I don't think intentionally replying to somsone days later because they do is wise.

 

If his texting habits bother you then it's worth having a chat about.

 

Don't get me wrong I've been exhausted after uni or work I've skipped conversations with my then bf. So this all could be genuine.

 

Me personally would go for the next step of talking about exclusivity. He has hinted your are his and his thoughts on cheating. So I feel that's your next natural step. Doesn't mean it's a talk about are we bf or gf. More gives you an indication if there is anyone else. As you have a right to know that for yourself.

 

Hope that helps and good luck.

[amii1]

Hey there!

 

Just read your post.

 

Just from what I've read is he your "first" you don't have to answer just what I gathered when you said you wanted to "experience all that".

 

If he is I know some on this forum may not agree with me but you probably have had some emotional attachment for him since the first time. Which is why you are probably feeling a lot now.

 

This whole messaging thing... It's a massive deal on modern dating. I don't agree with his late replies when he is obviously online that said you are also playing it as a game. By you not being you and replying days later it creates some sort of game. Now I don't agree anyone should jump when someone clicks their fingers but I don't think intentionally replying to somsone days later because they do is wise.

 

If his texting habits bother you then it's worth having a chat about.

 

Don't get me wrong I've been exhausted after uni or work I've skipped conversations with my then bf. So this all could be genuine.

 

Me personally would go for the next step of talking about exclusivity. He has hinted your are his and his thoughts on cheating. So I feel that's your next natural step. Doesn't mean it's a talk about are we bf or gf. More gives you an indication if there is anyone else. As you have a right to know that for yourself.

 

Hope that helps and good luck.

 

Yes, this was my "first time" and it's true that I could be feeling attached because of that. That being said, he was my biggest crush for many years but I was too shy to talk to him. So maybe it's a mix of both, I dunno.

 

You're right. I'm not honestly being myself because I answer him so late. But if I start answering normally, yet he continues to answer so late, does that mean he doesn't care or that he's busy? He always says he's busy and apologizes for it, but who's so busy that they can't shoot a text... I would hate to be making efforts if he won't. Or should I get over my pride and just answer him normally anyway?

[Cherylyn]

I would have an in person, at length discussion with him regarding where is this relationship going? Will it lead to anywhere? Tell him what you want and see if he wants the same thing other than sex. This way there are no misunderstandings. Then you decide whether or not you want to continue as is with him. If you want more and he's not willing to give what you want in a long term relationship or marriage someday, then you determine whether or not you want to continue having a relationship with him or not. At least have a clear understanding so there are no guessing games.

[Rose Mosse]

He's not your boyfriend and you are far too emotionally attached to someone you've just only started to get to know. Let it go for now and enjoy your summer, meet other young men in your neighbourhood and go out to the beach or do more bbqs, go camping, get out and away from your cell or computer technology. Put this person out of your mind because it's really not doing you any good while you're both in different places/long distance.

 

Figure things out by spending more time in person when the school term starts. Stop fixating on his past or calling him out on his player tendencies unless you really want to drive someone away. It's a huge turn off and speaks volumes about your insecurity if he has to reassure you of his integrity all the time. Judge him for the way he treats you from man to woman and judge him for the way he makes you feel and the way he honours your time together. If you're looking for an exclusive and committed relationship, say so and have out with it. You can either work on it together or he can shut the door on his way out. You can then move forward with your life and put this behind you.

 

The humour and all those other things don't sound very unique. I can count on both hands and all my toes the number of men I've laughed with and had a grand old time with. It's total clarity(mental and emotional clarity) and commitment that count in the long run. Don't be side tracked by small similarities along the way. Be true to yourself and let everything else fall away.

[amii1]

I would have an in person, at length discussion with him regarding where is this relationship going? Will it lead to anywhere? Tell him what you want and see if he wants the same thing other than sex. This way there are no misunderstandings. Then you decide whether or not you want to continue as is with him. If you want more and he's not willing to give what you want in a long term relationship or marriage someday, then you determine whether or not you want to continue having a relationship with him or not. At least have a clear understanding so there are no guessing games.

 

I'll for sure have that talk at some point when we're together again in person, because yeah, it's basically a big guessing game like you said. Thank you for answering :)

 

He's not your boyfriend and you are far too emotionally attached to someone you've just only started to get to know. Let it go for now and enjoy your summer, meet other young men in your neighbourhood and go out to the beach or do more bbqs, go camping, get out and away from your cell or computer technology. Put this person out of your mind because it's really not doing you any good while you're both in different places/long distance.

 

Figure things out by spending more time in person when the school term starts. Stop fixating on his past or calling him out on his player tendencies unless you really want to drive someone away. It's a huge turn off and speaks volumes about your insecurity if he has to reassure you of his integrity all the time. Judge him for the way he treats you from man to woman and judge him for the way he makes you feel and the way he honours your time together. If you're looking for an exclusive and committed relationship, say so and have out with it. You can either work on it together or he can shut the door on his way out. You can then move forward with your life and put this behind you.

 

The humour and all those other things don't sound very unique. I can count on both hands and all my toes the number of men I've laughed with and had a grand old time with. It's total clarity(mental and emotional clarity) and commitment that count in the long run. Don't be side tracked by small similarities along the way. Be true to yourself and let everything else fall away.

 

This is painfully true... I really am way too attached way too soon. Thanks for your advice. And I should definitely stop fixating on his past. Sometimes I can't help but to think he's a player because of his delayed replies, but who knows, I don't know him that well yet. Thank you, this made me feel better. Also, do you think that I should continue to casually text him every few days and not make this a serious daily thing? Because honestly, even though I wish we'd text daily, I really don't want to get more attached than I already am, when I don't even know him super well...

 

The humour thing, well, I've been on many dates and they always want to see me again, but I actually never end up having a good time and just feel bored. So for the first time when I laughed for hours with someone, to me it was a really big thing. But yeah, I do need to not let that side track me. Thanks again :)

[Jellybean9]

Yes, this was my "first time" and it's true that I could be feeling attached because of that. That being said, he was my biggest crush for many years but I was too shy to talk to him. So maybe it's a mix of both, I dunno.

 

You're right. I'm not honestly being myself because I answer him so late. But if I start answering normally, yet he continues to answer so late, does that mean he doesn't care or that he's busy? He always says he's busy and apologizes for it, but who's so busy that they can't shoot a text... I would hate to be making efforts if he won't. Or should I get over my pride and just answer him normally anyway?

 

It could be a combination of all of that.

 

I'm in my late 20s now and met with some old school friends a couple weeks back. Guess what we did we checked out social of all our old crushes. Remember thinking in school I would give anything to of dated my crush. I've had a look at him now and thank the Lord I didn't. Honestly complete and utter useless men now from what their social media says.

 

So I can see why you would get fixated you got to get with your crush. That's something many girls your age dream about and long for. Like I said I did back then. Your views on him will change when you are older. Trust me.

 

Some people don't feel a connection for the person they lose their virginity with. But where he was your crush for so long would only be normal to have those feelings which may even be amplified as he is your crush.

 

My first bf I found it hard to walk away from as I had all thoughts. Will I meet anyone like him with my sense of humour and fears of intimacy with someone new.

 

Guess what... So many people share my bizzare sense of humour. Doesn't mean they are the one. Also dating someone new is exciting. You are still young and you'll have all that.

 

I agree with you! No one is too busy to text someone they are interested in.

[Cope]

You caught feelings and that's perfectly normal. Now please don't do what I always did and play it cool. Decide what YOU want from this, considering what you feel and what He's showed you as to his feelings, and SPEAK UP.

 

You have control on this. You have the right to express your feelings and needs. All the questions you asked can only be answered by the two of of you.

 

I've been down the path of playing it cool and not asking just to get heartbroken every single time. Don't do the same. Own your needs and express them, if he wants the same, cool, if not, cool again. Be yourself, when you want to text him, text him. When you want to reply, reply. You seem smart and reasonable, own that.

[Rose Mosse]

It really depends on what you can handle or can't handle. I'm responding to your questions in the second part of post #6. You should be the one to decide whether or not you can handle daily texting and when is an appropriate time to tell him how you feel (whether doing it long distance or in person is better).

 

I don't think anyone can tell you how to time this or when is the most appropriate for you. Generally, it is a good idea to be honest about the way you feel and not waste your time or energy over relationships or connections that are one-sided or not reciprocated/unrequited. It would be a waste of time and counterproductive. Be a bit more confident in yourself and worry less over losing the wrong person. Don't be afraid of letting go and finding new connections and moving forwards.

[Tinydance]

I know this is probably not really want to hear, but from my experience of FWB, not every person treats their FWB as a "wham, bam, thank you m'am". I've had guys who wanted to make it very clear that it's only sex and nothing else by just coming over, having sex, then leaving. But I've also had some guys who actually wanted to have the "friend" aspect of friends with benefits and actually talk, hang out and even do some sort of couple things like go to the movies and have dinner. I had an FWB for 2.5 years where we hung out and actually did stuff and also he actually is my real friend. I'm still friends with him now but we are both in a relationship with someone else.

 

I think that when people want seeing someone to progress to a relationship, they would make that happen. How long have you been seeing each other? If you've been seeing each other for a while and he hasn't said it's a relationship and called you his girlfriend and stuff like that then I'm not sure if he's actually looking for that with you. But on the other hand if you've only been seeing each other a few weeks or something then he might just be taking it slow and just seeing where it goes and stuff. Some people don't like to put a label on things too quickly in case it doesn't work out.

 

I agree that you should probably tell him you have feelings for him. And if he doesn't feel the same you might want to consider ending the FWB. I've been in your shoes before where the person didn't reciprocate my feelings but I was getting more and more attached. And when they found someone else I was incredibly heartbroken. At the start you tell yourself you're fine to keep it casual but the next thing you know, you're madly in love. So just be careful.

[amii1]

It could be a combination of all of that.

 

I'm in my late 20s now and met with some old school friends a couple weeks back. Guess what we did we checked out social of all our old crushes. Remember thinking in school I would give anything to of dated my crush. I've had a look at him now and thank the Lord I didn't. Honestly complete and utter useless men now from what their social media says.

 

So I can see why you would get fixated you got to get with your crush. That's something many girls your age dream about and long for. Like I said I did back then. Your views on him will change when you are older. Trust me.

 

Some people don't feel a connection for the person they lose their virginity with. But where he was your crush for so long would only be normal to have those feelings which may even be amplified as he is your crush.

 

My first bf I found it hard to walk away from as I had all thoughts. Will I meet anyone like him with my sense of humour and fears of intimacy with someone new.

 

Guess what... So many people share my bizzare sense of humour. Doesn't mean they are the one. Also dating someone new is exciting. You are still young and you'll have all that.

 

I agree with you! No one is too busy to text someone they are interested in.

 

Thank you so much! I agree with everything you said :) I appreciate your time.

 

You caught feelings and that's perfectly normal. Now please don't do what I always did and play it cool. Decide what YOU want from this, considering what you feel and what He's showed you as to his feelings, and SPEAK UP.

 

You have control on this. You have the right to express your feelings and needs. All the questions you asked can only be answered by the two of of you.

 

I've been down the path of playing it cool and not asking just to get heartbroken every single time. Don't do the same. Own your needs and express them, if he wants the same, cool, if not, cool again. Be yourself, when you want to text him, text him. When you want to reply, reply. You seem smart and reasonable, own that.

 

So you mean I shouldn't pretend to be cool with things and just be up front, right? It's true, I have played it cool and acted like I'm fine with everything and am chill, but really my feelings exist for him and this does suck. I'll try out texting however I want to and not feel like I have to be or act a certain way just to be "cool" with everything!

 

It really depends on what you can handle or can't handle. I'm responding to your questions in the second part of post #6. You should be the one to decide whether or not you can handle daily texting and when is an appropriate time to tell him how you feel (whether doing it long distance or in person is better).

 

I don't think anyone can tell you how to time this or when is the most appropriate for you. Generally, it is a good idea to be honest about the way you feel and not waste your time or energy over relationships or connections that are one-sided or not reciprocated/unrequited. It would be a waste of time and counterproductive. Be a bit more confident in yourself and worry less over losing the wrong person. Don't be afraid of letting go and finding new connections and moving forwards.

 

Thank you, very helpful, and also reminds me this person isn't the only human I can possibly get on with :)

 

I know this is probably not really want to hear, but from my experience of FWB, not every person treats their FWB as a "wham, bam, thank you m'am". I've had guys who wanted to make it very clear that it's only sex and nothing else by just coming over, having sex, then leaving. But I've also had some guys who actually wanted to have the "friend" aspect of friends with benefits and actually talk, hang out and even do some sort of couple things like go to the movies and have dinner. I had an FWB for 2.5 years where we hung out and actually did stuff and also he actually is my real friend. I'm still friends with him now but we are both in a relationship with someone else.

 

I think that when people want seeing someone to progress to a relationship, they would make that happen. How long have you been seeing each other? If you've been seeing each other for a while and he hasn't said it's a relationship and called you his girlfriend and stuff like that then I'm not sure if he's actually looking for that with you. But on the other hand if you've only been seeing each other a few weeks or something then he might just be taking it slow and just seeing where it goes and stuff. Some people don't like to put a label on things too quickly in case it doesn't work out.

 

I agree that you should probably tell him you have feelings for him. And if he doesn't feel the same you might want to consider ending the FWB. I've been in your shoes before where the person didn't reciprocate my feelings but I was getting more and more attached. And when they found someone else I was incredibly heartbroken. At the start you tell yourself you're fine to keep it casual but the next thing you know, you're madly in love. So just be careful.

 

You said it. That's pretty much my situation! And so far, him and I have hung out exactly 8 times, for about 4-10 hours each time. But, it's still too soon to be his girlfriend/expect that of him, right? But yeah, I can't continue on this FWB for very long when he's back if he doesn't also feel similarly, because it will just end up breaking my heart. "At the start you tell yourself you're fine to keep it casual but the next thing you know, you're madly in love" - well said, I am heading down that road way too fast and have to hit the brakes or be honest with him when he's back.

[Billie28]

Do you mean Joel not Jim?

[amii1]

Do you mean Joel not Jim?

 

“Joel” from my other question, right? If so, yes. I searched “enotalone” in my cell’s inbox, and saw it on two different emails. Didn’t even remember this old account. Got curious, logged on, and my regular account became automatically banned (didn’t know this wasn’t allowed or I wouldn’t have done that, but it’s fine), so here I am. Ah well. But know that I really appreciate what you (and everyone else) said. It helped wake me up. I can’t be excited about people who don’t excite me, and have to accept that it’s my insecurity, rather than interest, that has kept me around those kinds of people. So, I decided to go with this person, someone who’s truly made me laugh so much. I’m obviously still insecure about my choices, hence my question, but I hope I can figure it out.