Confront or Not?

[Mary2020]

I need some advice. I have been married for 18 years. About 7 years into our marriage we went through a tough time and my husband began communicating with a woman. He told me and stopped talking to her and we were able to work on our marriage and stay together. We once again are going through lots of changes in our life (health issues, parents passing, etc) and I have noticed my husband being distant. I looked at phone records and noticed he was talking and texting a particular number very often while he was at work. I watched this pattern continue for a few months. I finally had a discussion with him about our relationship, I wasn't happy with how it was and how he had become distant. I asked him if he was having an affair, whether it be sexual or just communicating and he said no. The next day there was 1 text with that person and now over a month later, nothing. I believe he was communicating with this person (whom I know was a woman) and when I asked him the general question, he cut it off with her. Should I confront him and let him know I know he was talking to her or just leave it alone? Not sure what to do and could really use some advice. Thanks!!

[DancingFool]

Well....that ship has already sailed and you already did confront him. He stopped talking to her as a result of that confrontation. So do you need to add more conflict into your marriage when you are already dealing with a lot of life issues? My advice is no.

 

Looks like the real question that you should be asking is why he doesn't feel like he can share his feelings/troubles/emotions with you and seeks comfort chatting with others? That's really the heart of the problem and needs addressing. What's causing this dynamic? Could be him, could be you, could be both. Be sure you think on this and also see if you can open up that conversation in a way that he feels safe to actually be completely honest with you and be ready to hear some things you might not like.

 

Overall, if you've had some stressful times, it might be a good idea to book a vacation and go away and reconnect rather than fight.

[Skeptic76]

I don’t know you, your husband or your history so I’m reluctant to tell you what you should do. But in my own mind I’m pretty sure I would be grateful that my mate cared enough to cut whatever was going on off, first and foremost. I have had good experiences with marriage counseling and I would probably ask my partner to come with me to address the “distant” feelings and grow together...chances are any concerns would come up there in a moderated, productive environment.

 

And the vacay idea sounds awesome too 😎

 

Good luck!

[Rose Mosse]

Do you mind clarifying how you've started talking with this woman? Was she receptive to speaking with you about what's been going on? Are you still on speaking terms with her or still working with her on keeping tabs on him?

[redswim30]

I need some advice. I have been married for 18 years. About 7 years into our marriage we went through a tough time and my husband began communicating with a woman. He told me and stopped talking to her and we were able to work on our marriage and stay together. We once again are going through lots of changes in our life (health issues, parents passing, etc) and I have noticed my husband being distant. I looked at phone records and noticed he was talking and texting a particular number very often while he was at work. I watched this pattern continue for a few months. I finally had a discussion with him about our relationship, I wasn't happy with how it was and how he had become distant. I asked him if he was having an affair, whether it be sexual or just communicating and he said no. The next day there was 1 text with that person and now over a month later, nothing. I believe he was communicating with this person (whom I know was a woman) and when I asked him the general question, he cut it off with her. Should I confront him and let him know I know he was talking to her or just leave it alone? Not sure what to do and could really use some advice. Thanks!!

 

 

So, first question I have for you is- the 7 years into your marriage- what do you mean by "communicating with a woman"- because that can mean a LOT of different things. Was he flirting or was he being sexually suggestive or was it just a conversation with a female friend? We live in an co-ed world- he is going to interact with other women.

 

Question two- Why, if he told you the truth last time when asked- and you notice him being distant again- why was your first instinct to spy on him instead of just talking to him? You clearly never gained back full trust in him.

 

You are under the assumption that the recipient of these texts was enjoying them- did you ever consider that perhaps SHE didn't want to receive these texts? Men don't often get cues from women expressing their desire to not communicate and women often try too hard to be "polite" instead of just telling the guy off. But in either case- they stopped texting- so isn't that what you wanted?

 

What do you hope to accomplish by bringing this up now if they've already cut off contact (no matter the reason)- IMO, I feel like the real reason may be that you just want to get your feelings out and "show him" and you are hurt that he is displaying a repeated behavior. That's all good and well, but it won't help your marriage. Be mad about this one and he'll just say " SEE! I stopped talking to her!" And how can you argue that if he has? You technically already have what you want. Then you wait for the next one to happen and spy and get mad again. The women aren't the issue- your husband is.

 

The innate problem is that you can't monitor your husband 24/7- and even if you COULD- do you distrust him that much? And if you DO, then why are you still married to him?

 

I'm going to assume (cause I don't know for sure yet- but just for the sake of argument)- that what happened 7 years into your marriage WAS infidelity. If so, you chose to remain in this marriage for a subsequent 11 years. Now he is potentially displaying the same behavior. 18 years is a long time and zebras rarely change their stripes at that point. This particular situation is over and so I see no point in drudging up an argument when they've already cut off contact. But clearly, there are trust issues in your marriage and he seems to have a problem with fidelity over the long term. At this point, you are either okay with it or you aren't. You either accept that this is who he is and he will likely just keep finding other women to talk to when he is feeling antsy OR you aren't okay with it because you don't want to always be suspicious, you simply don't trust him and you get a divorce. I'd suggest counseling, but I honestly don't see him changing. It's a behavior- he does it until he gets caught. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. At some level you know he's having affairs. He will deny it of course. Go to a therapist privately and confidentially and do not discuss that with him. Open up to this professional about your fears.

[ThatwasThen]

May I ask why you didn't just bring all the texts and phone calls to his attention instead of asking him if he was having an affair?

If you did bring the unusual contact to his attention, what did he say they were and whose number was it?

Why not just get right to the chase and tell him what you discovered?

 

Did you two get marriage counselling back when your relationship was in trouble?

[HeartGoesOn]

I think he found a better way to cover his tracks...

[melancholy123]

I wonder if he's got a second phone he keeps at work or wherever and talks to her that way......

[LootieTootie]

I would be more worry that he rather confides in someone other than you.

 

Does your marriage lack intimacy?

[boltnrun]

That one text might have been to give her his new number.

 

How much couple time do you spend together?

[Cherylyn]

Let sleeping dogs lie. You asked him the question and he has since cut it off with her. Don't confront yet again. Leave it alone.

 

Hopefully he'll behave when your back is turned.

 

I agree with others. Seek marriage counseling and build some serious trust issues.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Cheaters lie and when confronted they lie better. Unfortunately he does not seem open to marriage therapy or you. Many cheaters go through the motions of marriage therapy replete with crocodile tears as a good way to retool and hide their activities better.

 

You could privately and confidentially consult an attorney to review your options. This would serve several purposes . You would know where you stand in the event of divorce. You would have someone already familiar with your situation in the event of divorce. It would provide you with leverage if you give him the choice of continuing his affairs and divorcing or ending it and working on your marriage.

I think he found a better way to cover his tracks...

[smackie9]

Instead of fretting over this incident, focus on improving your marriage. Counseling may work, but you can't just let things "go back to normal" normal is what got you both in this situation. When there is smoke there is not always fire. Some people just form a friendship with the opposite sex as an escape from the boredom, trouble or anxieties that are happening in their life or marriage, and totally nothing to do sexually or romantically.

It takes two to tango, so if you want things to work, you must broach the subject of what changes could be done to help you two be happy together. Communication is key, sweeping it under the rug is not.

[catfeeder]

Confront is a strong word. What would you say, and what are the results you would hope for?

[lovely2131]

I don't think you should confront him, he might not be very happy that you were sneaking around in his phone. Maybe you should continue observing his behaviour and try your best to communicate with him and remind him of the love that you guys had when you first got married?