Cynder Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I've been married almost five years. We'vve been together for 6 and a half years. Last spring him and I had some problems that almost spearated us. In the middle of a really bad fight he said sometimes he thinks we just should have stayed friends instead of taking things to a different level. He said he's felt this way for a few years now. I was devestated to hear this... And after the argument was over he apologized and said he didn't really mean it. I pointed out that he said he's felt that way for a few years... and his explanation was that he's thought that in the passed when we were fighting. I love this man. I can't imagine not being with him. Even though this was a while back it still haunts me. Today for some reason I'm feeling down about it. So what do you guys all think? How would you handle being told that? Link to comment
dhjjessel Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 my ex was always concerned as to whether we would be able to be friends if it didnt work out. It didnt work out, and so far, we cant be friends. I think everyone is different, and you might want to look at it as a good thing that he sees you as a friend rather than just a girlfriend he decided to marry Link to comment
Sweet Venus Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I think this would hurt me too..but we often say things we regret during fights. He was trying to hurt you..and he did. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I would be devastated, just like you are. You marry someone you LOVE, not someone you just want to be "friends" with. Eventually the relationship GROWS into a deep friendship and changes, but still, I completely understand why you feel like you do. So sorry...... Link to comment
DN Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I would put it down to something said to hurt in the heat of a fight that he didn't mean. Link to comment
Cynder Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 I guess I just get scared one day he's going to drop a complete bomb on me and be like "You know what, I haven't had feelings for you in a long time other then friendship, here's some divorce papers." Because if he was really feeling that way for years I wish he would have told me. The way he presented it to me made it seem more authentic... which could have been on prupose I suppose. He didn't just scream it out in anger. He said he's been feeling this way for a few years now and just never knew how to say it... I questioned him about it. I asked him why he always tells me how much he loves me and how much we are eachothers "other half" then? Because he did say that a lot during this time. His answer was "That's why I'm conflicted, I don't know what I feel." Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I guess I just get scared one day he's going to drop a complete bomb on me and be like "You know what, I haven't had feelings for you in a long time other then friendship, here's some divorce papers." Because if he was really feeling that way for years I wish he would have told me. I would feel the same way. But, like my signature says "you can ruin today worrying about tomorrow." Have you talked to him recently about this? Link to comment
DN Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I guess I just get scared one day he's going to drop a complete bomb on me and be like "You know what, I haven't had feelings for you in a long time other then friendship, here's some divorce papers." Because if he was really feeling that way for years I wish he would have told me.Go with his actions and not his words. Link to comment
Sweet Venus Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I guess I just get scared one day he's going to drop a complete bomb on me and be like "You know what, I haven't had feelings for you in a long time other then friendship, here's some divorce papers." Because if he was really feeling that way for years I wish he would have told me. I'm sure it was something he said because he was angry.. I wouldn't let this get you down. If he says it AGAIN..I think at that point you have just cause to worry... Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I would be hurt, but you need to take a look at your relationship and decide if you think he really meant it or not. How does he treat you most of the time? Is he affectionate, do you get along well, does he enjoy spending time with you? Link to comment
Cynder Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 I would be hurt, but you need to take a look at your relationship and decide if you think he really meant it or not. How does he treat you most of the time? Is he affectionate, do you get along well, does he enjoy spending time with you? Yea, he's affectionate. We get along most of the time. When we do fight it's usually about stupid stuff. (This argument wasn't stupid... this was the worst fight we ever had.) On spending time together, we don't spend as much time together as we used to because we work different hours right now. But when we are both home he seems to like spending time with me. Link to comment
Cynder Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 I'm going away this summer for three weeks. I wonder if this time spend away from eachother might educate us both on some things. Link to comment
babii doll Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I'm sure it was something he said because he was angry.. I wouldn't let this get you down. If he says it AGAIN..I think at that point you have just cause to worry... hes said it before. how many times does he have to say it in order for it to be true? had he said this once i wouldve written it off as just blowing off steam during an argument, but thats not the case. Link to comment
Cynder Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 hes said it before. how many times does he have to say it in order for it to be true? had he said this once i wouldve written it off as just blowing off steam during an argument, but thats not the case. He only said it once. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 He only said it once. Then he probably didn't mean it hon. People say things in the heat of an argument that they don't mean. Did he ever apologize for it? Link to comment
babii doll Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 He only said it once. i stand corrected, the "i've felt this way for years" part threw me off a bit. Link to comment
Cynder Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 Then he probably didn't mean it hon. People say things in the heat of an argument that they don't mean. Did he ever apologize for it? Yea he apologized right after and said he didn't really mean it. He notoriously good at hiding how he feels. I hope his apology was sincere and not just a copout. Link to comment
sweetheart11 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Your post reminded me of what my ex husband said when he asked for divorce (I am NOT trying to scare you now!!! I'm sorry if it sounds scary). He said he think we're more like friends than partners and us getting married was a mistake. I was heartbroken when he said that. And I disagreed with that as well because I truly didn't think we were friends at all. I thought that was our problem. 4 months after the divorce was final we saw each other again and he was the first to say how much he missed me and he will always love me because I was his wife. He said he only felt that we were just friends because he was unhappy with me at the time. Now that there is no drama between us he seems to adore me. Do you think he's been unhappy for a while before he said that? Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Yea he apologized right after and said he didn't really mean it. He notoriously good at hiding how he feels. I hope his apology was sincere and not just a copout. Try not to obsess about it. Things are good right now? Link to comment
Cynder Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 Do you think he's been unhappy for a while before he said that? I don't know... if he has been then he has faked it well. He never told me there was a problem before. Then suddenly we have this fight and apparently I've made a lot of mistakes in our mariage that I didn't even know were mistakes. I just thought of something else that happened around that time (this is to the other extreme I guess.) I went to a concert with some mutual friends. He couldn't go because he had to work. I ended up spending the night at my friend's house because we got back so late. I sent my husband a text message to let him know. But for some reason he didn't get the text. His phone was acting up at the time. Next morning he called me, obviously upset. He sounded pissed on the phone. I asked what was wrong, he said we would talk when I came home. So, when I got home he started crying (I mean litterally crying.) And he said he was upset because he thought for sure I left him and wasn't coming back home. So, he must want me in his life on some level... Link to comment
isoleaf Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I think this would hurt me too..but we often say things we regret during fights. He was trying to hurt you..and he did. +1. also, men tend to use the first thought one has in a fight. for example, he probably thought this in the past, but then figured out a logic that made sense and settled the matter. then during a fight, to hurt the other person, they'll whip out the initial thought as simply having it, regardless of whether it was resolved or not, hurts the other person enough. most likely he's already thought about the matter and settled it already. just brought it back out to hurt you. i've seen this happen a lot where a guy will do this and the girl will worry about it anywhere between like 1-3 years or something before she brings it up after it's pushed her to an unhealthy extreme, while the guy actually had settled it long ago and it hasn't been an issue for him for a long time. just one of those things. happens the other way around too, but guys are less good at hiding their emotions so it usually isn't drawn out as long. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 it sounds like he reached that point in the relationship where it stopped feeling intensly passionate . it's hard for men to come to grips with the idea that their most passionate days may be behind them. he probably saw this as cause for concern...and started searching for potential reasons for how this happened...anything but loss of passion. it can feel insulting. tends to be something we take quite personally. seems like it's in the nature of most relationships to go through this sort of thing. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 The best relationships are based on friendship. My friends are so very precious to me. I would have been flattered, not hurt. The passionate love fades in most marriages and long-term relationships. What your left with is a deep and abiding caring and friendship, if your lucky. Link to comment
NowandZen Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Go to link removed and look up the concept called, The Love Bank Link to comment
Cynder Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 ^ I will, thank you. I've been wanting to update this thread, right now I only have a minute. But I did talk to him in depth about this, and it was a good conversation we had. Link to comment
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