Should I have been more honest when we got back together ?

[CyberQuinn]

Hey.

So my girlfriend and I broke up about a year ago, mainly because we never saw eachother outside of work cause of her family. We were fighting a lot, and I was feeling lonely. I have a really close girl friend I started to develop feelings for because we spent a lot of time together, and we clicked well. I stopped seeing her during the time I was dating my girlfriend because she was uncomfortable, even though she wouldn't spend time with me and I have a small circle, like this other girl and 2 guys, I am awkward. Anywho, after the break up I reconnected more with this girl and I admitted foolishly I felt something for her but I wasn't ready for something new as I still loved my girlfriend. She felt the same, and we ended up hanging as friends and then soon after we started sleeping together, this went on for maybe 3 weeks? I stopped it because it felt wrong, and too soon and I was just rebounding. I realized what I was doing and halted it, I told her I was sorry and I knew she wanted something more serious and I couldn't do that. We still talked but stopped hanging out to avoid the risk. Fast forward a month after this, my ex asked me if I had been with anyone and I said yes, and told her who it was and she was angry, and jealous, which I guess I understand as she didn't like this girl. She didn't talk to me for a few months and I was sad, I wanted her to be able to feel what she felt and stuff but I wanted her back I just had some things I needed to work on, things that caused our breakup, at this point it was clear to me I just liked the attention from this other girl, not actually her which I know is awful but I was confused. Again fast forward, we are back together. She wanted to know more about what happened when we were broken up, I told her I slept with her once and that was it, I didn't tell her I had feelings, but I did tell her this girl wanted more and that she had feelings because it turned out I didn't and I didn't want to make her feel insecure or that I didn't love her, I've been spending the last 6 months alone, trying to make it up to her. I am afraid these details will come out somehow, and I feel like I've done something wrong by giving a half truth, though we were broken up. I just need some input from some other people about if I should come more clean, or if I should just let it go and she knows enough. I feel so guilty but should I? Am I a piece of ? Why am I so worried this is going to come up through someone else after so long?

[Andrina]

You did nothing wrong while broken up. I wouldn't give your gf any further info. It's irrelevant. And I'm assuming you no longer communicate with that female "friend," because now that you've crossed the line of being more than friends, you can't return to that state without it negatively affecting whatever romantic relationship you're in.

 

When you're in a relationship, if you have an argument or major discussion like you had, and you've both had your say, that subject should no longer be discussed. Of course there are exceptions to that rule depending, but for your situation, whereas you weren't cheating, that topic needs to be put to rest. Rehashing a history you can't change doesn't do anybody any good. If she keeps bringing it up and can't get over what happened when you were broken up, it's best to throw in the towel and break up, since you shouldn't be punished for a crime you never committed.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What was the breakup about and what were the 'family issues'? Why would an ex contact you and ask you this? Try not to backpedal, there is already way TMI.

So my girlfriend and I broke up about a year ago, mainly because we never saw eachother outside of work cause of her family.

 

I have a really close girl friend I started to develop feelings for because we spent a lot of time together, and we clicked well.

 

fast forward, we are back together. She wanted to know more about what happened when we were broken up, I told her I slept with her once and that was it, I didn't tell her I had feelings

[melancholy123]

She should never have asked what you did or didn't do when broken up. It's none of her business. You should not have told her.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't think whether you tell her or not (disclosure) is an issue. What seems to be hurting you both most are the cracks in trust and communication. The relationship ended once due to not enough quality time and not enough solid communication. That's already a very weak spot between the two of you so any other issues on top of that during or after a break up will make it worse.

 

Whether you both give full disclosure or not is up to you as a couple. I'm of the mind that if two people feel guarded enough not to speak about what they did outside of the time they were together, there's already a loss in communication.

 

Many will advise against getting back together with an ex for these reasons - history repeating itself. If you don't sense that you're both learning from the past or if you feel like your partner can't love you the way you are or for the time inbetween (although it may take time), this may not be the best decision to get back together. It also doesn't help if you still have no quality time together. She's already insecure because she knows that you seek attention and need attention when she's not around. Lots of trust issues.

 

I'm afraid this doesn't look so good. What you both need is time (as in quality time together) to bridge all that trust and communication problems you've always had.

[abitbroken]

I would have told her "we were broken up for a year, I am sure we both went on dates". I would NOT have given her the name of the young woman you slept with!!

 

Honestly, i would not chase your ex because she will ALWAYS hold it against you and treat you as if you cheated on her.