Letting go of her

[Nist145]

My girlfriend recently broke up with me on Monday. We’d dated 14 months and the majority was so happy. When we spoke to each other, she explained to me though that she felt something was missing for her. She felt she loved me but also felt a piece was missing. She’d been trying hard on her part to force a feeling but now feels like she’ll never feel it and wanted to end it before we got in too deep. She also said I really did nothing wrong and that I’ve treated her so well. She was literally crying as she said this. She feels like she’s making the right decision but she’s also afraid she won’t find someone who provides her the happiness I did. I was understanding and told her it wasn’t her fault and that I know you can’t force a feeling.

 

Anyway, my question is how do I deal with losing someone who meant so much to me but doesn’t love me back? Every rational and logical part of me knows that it’s not ok to hold someone in a relationship who doesn’t want to be there. I know everything happens for a reason and there’s someone likely better out there. The emotional part of me is still crippled though. I just want to be with her. I wish there was a way I could spark this feeling of love in her for me, but I know that’s not possible. It’s hard to feel helpless, because I’m so used to being able to achieve anything with hard work and effort. But I understand a relationship is a two-way street and it takes two equal feelings. How do I move on when I still have so much love for this person?

[Nist145]

The hardest part for me is just feeling helpless. I truly feel I did everything I could to get her to love me. I even offered to take a step back and not worry about hard commitments in attempt maybe her feelings would grow. It just sucks to lose someone who brought me so much happiness and someone I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I truly love her

[Rose Mosse]

Please give yourself time. It doesn't happen overnight. I can't speak for anyone else but this happened to me with my son's dad and it took me a long time to face it. It took me years to gather my thoughts emotionally and another six months to try and work out the logistics. I was in your girlfriend's position and I knew something was missing, something big, and to tell you the truth, if I hadn't gone through that I wouldn't have believed it if I heard that kind of excuse from anyone else. How could it be that someone who was once committed suddenly realize that it wasn't meant to be? The shameful part of it which took me a long time to reconcile personally is that I knew deep down within the first year that we weren't compatible but I was very naive. I know he knew it too but we tried to make it work. I already knew early on that it was a sinking ship, so to speak, and that relationship would never flourish. When I stopped believing in it, a part of my innocence and whatever earlier abilities to hang onto hope when there was no hope was gone. Whether I want to or not, I cannot look through rose-coloured lenses anymore and I cannot reverse those experiences.

 

You're right: it's not ok to hold on to a relationship that is over. It is over. And you're also right: there is someone better for you out there. None of your emotions are going catch up quickly or overnight. You will not spark any love in someone who doesn't feel it just like my ex could not spark anything for me. When someone is not for you, that person is just not for you and it is not always personal. I think some of your ego is bruised but it's not the end of the world. You just need time and don't waste your time hoping for something that isn't going to happen.

 

You can "move on" by engaging in all your favourite activities, learning to listen closely to your friends and family (I mean really listen and engage with the world around you), become more involved in your community or your work. We rebuild and we grow and learn a lot more by engaging with the world around us. You've been engaging in a relationship previously. It's time to re-engage but in a different way. When you're ready to balance it, you'll be able to engage with not just your world but a new person you'll be welcoming into your life again.