Is he (20M) getting "revenge" on me (21F) or is he simply not interested again?

[kristiechane]

I had a summer fling with this guy at work last summer who was my first everything. I caught feelings hard, but had to go back to school and he didn't seem interested in continuing (lack of contact) so I took the hint and was incredibly sad but tried to get over him. Early December he reached out on Snapchat (said he lost my number), I was really surprised and happy to hear from him and we caught up and joke around a bit which was nice, and he alluded to seeing me after my semester was over. 2 days later he texts me his number on Snapchat and we text for a bit before he tells me to call him later.

 

I did and we talked for a little while. After that he started calling me almost every day but at really late times (like 11pm-2am) which I understood since I know he worked late a lot. But after the first phone call, things just felt different. He would often only talk for like 5 minutes and say he would call me back (and never do) or just seem not as interested. Again he may have been tired, but he was the one who reached out to me, so I didn't really understand.

 

He eventually stops calling and I do not reach out either as I was hesitant since I didn't want to feel hurt again. I just took this as another sign of disinterest and tried to move on again.

 

Then in April he calls me twice within a span of a week and I don't answer the phone. After he calls me the second time and I don't pick up, he texts me "(My name) baby!!! Wassuppp" I thought this was really rude to talk to someone like this after 4 months, especially because we never met up since the summer so I was not involved with him like that. I was going to reply to tell him how hurt I was but my good friend told me to not bother and that he probably wouldn't care.

 

So I left it at that, and then a month passes by. Just a few days ago he texts me on Snapchat. I open it and it just says "hello". I felt bad and decided to reply since he messaged me decently this time. So I reply "Hi". He then replies "How are you" and I tell him I'm alright, trying to finish school and ask him the same. He replies "Good" and then asks how school is going for me. I replied afterwards but it's been a bit more than 2 days and he has not opened my snap, although he is still posting on his story and sending and receiving snaps to and from other people.

 

Is he upset at me not answering his previous calls and texts and has decided to get me back by not replying or is he simply not interested again? I was gonna wait a few more days and if he didn't reply by then I was going to block him because I can't keep doing this. I just don't like the feeling of someone popping in and out of my life when they feel bored or need and ego boost or something.

 

 

TL;DR; : I had a summer fling with this guy at work last summer who was my first everything. I caught feelings hard, but had to go back to school and he didn't seem interested in continuing (lack of contact) so I took the hint. He reached out in December, we remain contact for about a week and then he stopped calling. He then reached out again in April by calling me 2 twice in a span of a week and then texted the second time he called and I didn't answer. I did not respond out of fear of getting hurt and the fact that I thought the text was rude. He then reached again out a few days ago on Snapchat and I replied and he hasn't opened the snap in 2 days despite posting on his story and sending and receiving snaps from people. Is he getting revenge or is he not interested again?

[maew]

Oh OP I'm sorry but he was probably only interested in having a fling / casual relationship with you and nothing more :( his texts, calls late at night, distancing himself and then coming back like nothing happened are total f$%^ boy behavior.

 

Many of us have fond memories of that summer fling from high school / college etc. so try to look at it for what it was. If you are not interested in a casual relationship, move on from this guy because it would seem that's all he wants with you.

[kristiechane]

This is what I thought thank you. :( His behavior really made me think that I did something wrong because he was not like this when we first started talking and would call and text me all throughout the day and was enthusiastic. I just don't know what changed :(

 

Should I block him if he doesn't reply in a few days and end everything there or try to reach out and gain closure from the situation before moving on for good?

[Batya33]

I would have stopped being in contact after he waited till December to contact you with that lame excuse. A person who wants to get in touch with you will find a way to do so ASAP. He had other ways I am sure.

[kristiechane]

You're totally right, I also think it was lame looking back. But I still wasn't over him so I guess why I thought it was ok. Thank you.

[bluecastle]

There's no closure to get here, just something you decide whether or not to keep open.

 

What he's doing—to just speak frankly—is keeping you in orbit as a possible casual fling. That's not a verdict on you, but just who he is and where he is today. He probably thinks you're cool and cute and digs you, but that doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship—like, at all.

 

Sometimes these relationships can be fun and mutual. I've had a few people, over the years, where we could kind of send a quick "hey, been a while" text and both of us would know exactly what that meant: "hey, you single these days? wanna do that thing we sometimes do?" Cue a little back and forth, a meet up for a drink, a romp that lasts a night or a week or a month. They fade in, fade out, never really go anywhere.

 

And I've also had people who try to remain in orbit when I want more than little pokes and no-strings-attached fun. Those ones you just ignore. No harm, no foul, no need for analysis or self-criticism. Just unneeded noise, two people on different levels. Savor the fun, but think of it as a step toward something better and deeper—with someone better and deeper.

 

Moral of the story: you didn't do anything "wrong." You're you, he's him—and, frankly, he's leagues below you, a young dude peacocking and poking around. He's allowed to be that dude. You're allowed to want more. You deserve whatever it is you want.

[DancingFool]

You didn't do anything wrong, other than fail to cut him off a long time ago. He is playing and you are just one of many in his rotating stable. If you don't want to stoop to that level and string yourself along as some distant option he may or may not come back to sleep with when he is out of other, newer options....block him today. Don't ever let a guy treat you like that again. This isn't about you, it's about you recognizing when a guy isn't relationship material. Sure, he might make for a fun fling, but then you walk away and cut contact. You do not get attached to flings. It's short term fun, but if you try to hang on, it will become a long term agony.

 

Btw...there is nothing polite about "hello" after months of no contact. That's not even an effort on his part, just a cheap fishing expedition to see if you'll still bite or maybe happen to be in a vulnerable situation and therefore an easy quick lay. For all you know, he sent that to you and 50 others, which is what players do. They have no shame and while they are persistent, on the whole they make little effort. If they send out a mass lame "hello", enough will respond to keep the player busy. It still doesn't mean that he'll get busy with you in particular. He might have more interesting targets responding.... Not very flattering is it? Well....live and learn. Lesson here being once you toss someone into the trash bin, don't go reaching back in to reuse. Second time around...it will be messy, stinky, disgusting.

[purplepaisley]

You could just enjoy the summer fling for what it was and enjoy lobbing some "how are you's" on occasion and not expect anything more out of it. Just don't. He's probably tossing 100s of darts until someone is around to fit his needs and a place to dip his stick before he disappears again. This one isn't worth anymore energy than some "how are you's."

 

If you continue to be deeply wounded and expect more...stop expecting more and unsubscribe from his Snapchat (or whatever terminology) and remove him from yours. Remove yourself from his sphere. I doubt he'll notice.

 

I doubt he's seeking revenge. I doubt you were ever that important to him or as important to him as he was to you. I'm sorry for that, but even you describe it as a "summer fling," so I question your motives in letting him be your "first at everything." It seems like you had a mindset to "get it over with" and then you developed feelings. He didn't. Ouch, but you don't seem to have exactly made the wisest choices if you wanted your first to be with "marriage material," you know?

 

If this boy's actions are causing you this much turmoil, cut him loose. You either accept the sporadic text and enjoy the memories and expect nothing, or cut him loose. Don't ever expect him to be the man that you want or expect, so don't fall into some quasi relationship before he drops off the planet again.

[kristiechane]

Yeah the "no closure" thing is what bothers me the most. I always feel like I should have an explanation to finally be satisfied but I think I just have to accept that I probably won't get one. I don't want to make him out as the bad guy because he probably has no clue how I feel since I didn't communicate that to him clearly.

 

I need to get better at that for sure. I just want to know what he wants clearly so then I can make my decision and go. I think I am just hoping he wants more but his actions are not showing me that, so I think I can just take that as my "closure".

 

I think if he hadn't contacted me since last summer I would've had that closure by now, it's just the popping back in and out that is confusing me. Thank you so much, I know I deserve to want more and he is also allowed to not want that. I just want everything to be clear and for us to be on the same page. I will see if I can talk to him about that.

[kristiechane]

Yes you're so right. I think I got attached because we communicated so much and it felt like I had a good friend instead of just someone to sleep with. In the future, if sex is all I want, I will definitely not keep contact like I did with him, cause that is what made me catch feelings for him I think.

 

And yeah I see your point about the "hello", I just felt bad since I ignored his other message he sent a month ago. I never think about the mass texting aspect of it, that really helps put things into perspective, and explains why he was so quick to drop contact after a little time the 1st time he reached out.

 

Thank you for helping me see this. I really need to work on my self-esteem to not accept low effort like that.

[kristiechane]

Yeah I think I am done setting my expectations high. I think that thinking of what we could have been is what made me feel hurt the most. Want to learn how to keep myself emotionally detached until he (or anyone else for that matter) has proven to be trustworthy. I think it really is my expectations that hurt me the most.

 

I also don't think I was that important to him either, which sucks but I think I am learning to accept it. I did call this a "summer fling" because it was totally undefined and I didn't communicate any boundaries or expectations. I felt really naive for that but I am trying to forgive myself and learn from it since it was my first experience ever getting close with a guy, as I grew up very sheltered.

 

I thought he liked me, but clearly not on the level that I like him. I agree that my choices were incredibly unwise and thinking back, I really don't know why I made the decisions I did other than I thought I really liked him and wanted him to like me too. I don't think I will ever expect anything more from him like you said, and while I like the idea of engaging in a causal relationship, I just don't think I am capable of that right now. Not until I learn to keep myself detached emotionally. Thank you for your advice!

[Gary Snyder]

Long distance relationships are hard - most don't workout. Why don't you try dating local.

[Batya33]

Yeah I think I am done setting my expectations high. I think that thinking of what we could have been is what made me feel hurt the most. Want to learn how to keep myself emotionally detached until he (or anyone else for that matter) has proven to be trustworthy. I think it really is my expectations that hurt me the most.

 

I also don't think I was that important to him either, which sucks but I think I am learning to accept it. I did call this a "summer fling" because it was totally undefined and I didn't communicate any boundaries or expectations. I felt really naive for that but I am trying to forgive myself and learn from it since it was my first experience ever getting close with a guy, as I grew up very sheltered.

 

I thought he liked me, but clearly not on the level that I like him. I agree that my choices were incredibly unwise and thinking back, I really don't know why I made the decisions I did other than I thought I really liked him and wanted him to like me too. I don't think I will ever expect anything more from him like you said, and while I like the idea of engaging in a causal relationship, I just don't think I am capable of that right now. Not until I learn to keep myself detached emotionally. Thank you for your advice!

 

No -it's not about being "emotionally detached" -it's about learning how to have healthy boundaries and invest emotionally as appropriate to the timing, context, reciprocity. If you act in a "detached" way you'll get men who see you as a challenge (until the chase is over) and healthy men who won't bother. Learning about healthy boundaries and what yours are takes practice, reasonable confidence and knowing what you are worth.

[catfeeder]

Closure is for the movies. It satisfies people who've paid for a ticket, but it's not real life, where it's usually up to each of us to invent our own closure.

 

Figuring out another person's reasons for their behavior isn't always necessary. What's important is the behavior we choose to adopt for ourselves. So given that this guy is on your job, I'd develop a convenient case of amnesia and treat him as kindly as I would stranger with whom I must conduct business. Beyond that, I'd leave him alone and adopt whichever attitude about this that serves me the best.

 

Our own closure involves adopting the best possible assumptions to lift our own spirit rather than ruminate and drill ourselves into a deeper hole to climb out of. So think of rejection as speaking of another person's limits rather than of any reflection on you.

 

Most people do NOT own the vision to see us through the right lens, and that's why true simpatico with a special friend or lover is so rare. But when we find simpatico, we 'get them' and they 'get us'. That's the kind of relationship that's worth holding out for. We get plenty of friends, but if we plan on limiting our lovers to one-at-a-time, then it makes no sense to invest our time and energy into anyone who doesn't own the capacity to appreciate our value.

 

Head high, and shop for dates outside of work.