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Why won’t partner work despite many attempts to be helpful and understanding?


milk45wentout

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I’m in a LTR, 7 years now, 5 years married in late 30s. The issue is my partner doesn’t appear to want to work. We don’t have children and even still I can’t motivate her to find employment. When we met she had employment but 2 years in lost her job and hasn’t bothered to go back into work.

 

It would be all good and well if I was made of lot of money but I’m not. I do reasonable well, have a very busy job and many other side activities which generate small amounts of income. I’ve tried everything from not talking about it, to motivating her to seek employment by making suggestions, sending job ideas from the internet. I even got her a part time position through a friend which she ultimately left without finding another job.

 

It’s become very stressful seeing also that I borrowed money from my father sometimes ago to renovate the apartment we live in. He wants me to pay him back month by month but I just have enough to make it through each month. He can’t understand why she won’t work and contribute to the loan. If it wasn’t for my father having such goodwill things could be much worse. It has put a strain on the relationship between he and I though. Secondary to this is sometimes I fall short on funds and have to borrow or can’t pay bills on time. My credit rating is effected and have to deal with the stress talking to debt collectors during my working day. I hate doing it. Several times I’ve come razor close of being taken court over debt to dodge my way out of it with a late supply of funds or strike a deal with the collector.

 

She is generally good around the apartment but we also employ a cleaner so it’s not a lot of work to do. She likes to cook but asks for money for food. She doesn’t spend much but chooses to sit at home and not do a lot. Just looks on the internet a lot and watches TV. In morning’s when I go to work, often she is still sleeping. I’ve tried to talk about it and she might make a little effort to pretend to send out a CV but it comes to nothing. She is intelligent and has many skills but most are lost through the lack of work in the last 5 years.

 

I should also mention that I’m very motivated person and do many things as well as work, like keeping fit, meeting people etc. which she is not.

 

The question I guess I’m asking, is it time to kick this to the curb? I really have tried but can’t see her changing or turning things around. I really can’t see any way to salvage anymore from the relationship. I really just want to get on with my own life and concentrate on me, earning more money and eventually be with someone who respects that in relationships most of the time two people will have to work unless there is children etc. Any opinions would be welcome, most of all why would someone just not want to work and see their partner suffer because of it?

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I don't think there's a morality attached to work, for example, if I were rich, I wouldn't expect my partner to work just for the sake of it.

 

However, in your situation, it does directly affect your finances, apparently. You are falling a bit short.

 

How about a compromise and she works part-time?

 

Maybe she doesn't realise how much you're suffering? Or maybe she does and just can't be bothered. have you explained to her?

 

Perhaps losing her job depressed her, and she can't seem to get back into it.

 

You are motivated and she isn't - nothing wrong with either, it takes all sorts, but you are different from each other. One thing I would say is I believe every human deserves a right to be comfortable and proud in their work, rather than just slaving away for peanuts, miserable for eight hours a day. If it was me, maybe I'd suggest helping her to look for a satisfactory, comfortable, part time job. Perhaps there's something she can do from home?

 

What confuses me is she hasn't worked for five years now - you must have been happy with her up until now? Seems like rather a long time to suddenly decide now you aren't happy with it? Or have you just been holding out and hoping she'll find something?

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I think you should suggest she move out because she seems oblivious to any financial strain and you don't want to support her.

I really just want to get on with my own life and concentrate on me, earning more money and eventually be with someone who respects that in relationships most of the time two people will have to work
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However, in your situation, it does directly affect your finances, apparently. You are falling a bit short.

 

How about a compromise and she works part-time?

 

Maybe she doesn't realise how much you're suffering? Or maybe she does and just can't be bothered. have you explained to her?

 

 

If it was me, maybe I'd suggest helping her to look for a satisfactory, comfortable, part time job. Perhaps there's something she can do from home?

 

What confuses me is she hasn't worked for five years now - you must have been happy with her up until now? Seems like rather a long time to suddenly decide now you aren't happy with it? Or have you just been holding out and hoping she'll find something?

 

I managed to get her a part-time job in a small company very close to home, walking distance. Alas after a period of time she didn't like it. I thought it would be enjoyable but there always seemed to be a problem.

 

I would agree its been brewing for a long time and perhaps I'm too nice, I was hoping she would find something because she is genuinely an intelligent person with diverse skills that could work.

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I would suggest to fire the maid and have a real talk with your wife. Not attacking her. Say from your perspective and how you feel about it.

 

Agreed, I tried that a few times, there acceptance that "I'm right" but then springs back into regular routine. Occasionally she'll pretend to apply for a job, a job application form will sit on the kitchen table for a few days then disappear.

 

I guess there is no changing, just so frustrating.

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Because some people are deadbeats. If you enable it, they'll be sure to oblige.

 

I'd kick her to the curb were I you. You've got your own struggles and she's just another mouth to feed. Hell, you're even still paying for a maid even with her at home all day. It's completely inexcusable in my book and I don't have the time nor the will to father a woman and motivate her to be an independent adult.

 

There are plenty of great women out there who'd be more than happy to pull their own weight financially. You're missing out.

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I agree. Well in that case. Have a talk with her again but tell her exactly what you said here. That you are so frustrated that she has to start stepping up or its done.

 

Don't think about the other avenue until you have absolutely tired everything you can. If you get her another job or if its on her own, she HAS to keep it.

 

I would even suggest that until you see change seriously financially cut back. No Maid. Other than basic costs - nothing. If she wants something - she can get a job and earn her way. Maybe she has all provided for her so there is no urgency in her mind. If you were to split guess what - she would have to get an income. (unless you have to pay support

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I would fire the cleaner right now because you don't have the money. If she wants to cleaner, she has to get a job to pay the cleaner. I would also find out what other luxuries you cannot afford and cut them out, too. Has she sought counseling? Sometimes after losing a job you get into a funk.

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The question I guess I’m asking, is it time to kick this to the curb? I really have tried but can’t see her changing or turning things around. I really can’t see any way to salvage anymore from the relationship. I really just want to get on with my own life and concentrate on me, earning more money and eventually be with someone who respects that in relationships most of the time two people will have to work unless there is children etc. Any opinions would be welcome, most of all why would someone just not want to work and see their partner suffer because of it?

 

The expression "kick this [or him or her] to the curb" makes me cringe. Just the visual. However, I think you put the cart before the horse by taking out a loan for renovations without your wife working. That seems to condone her not working, as does hiring a cleaner when she doesn't work. Step 1 is to get your house in order, straighten out your finances, cut out luxuries (housecleaner, internet, cable, special foods, dining out, travel) and pay off your debt and establish a savings/safety net. Doing "reasonably well" and coming "razor close of being taken court over debt" are not the same thing in my book. Struggling with debt is what it is: a money problem. You need to see it for what it is and be firm. She is part of the problem, yes, but it sounds like a dynamic that involves both of you. You can't change her, and "kicking it to the curb" may not be the best way to solve the problem. (For one thing, divorcing an unemployed spouse may have a different outcome for you than divorcing an employed spouse.) You cannot control her, but you can change yourself, make changes, have boundaries, and cut out all but the essentials until she has proven that she will contribute to the finances in a reliable way. Good luck.

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No. Do not kick your wife to the curb. She is not cheating on you, etc. What about your vows? I think that if you scale way back, you could address the concern in a different way. Instead of acting like her parent, or telling her "get a job" maybe there is something going on depression wise that you need to address as a couple.

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In most states, big time alimony kicks in after 7 years and you're 5 in. Many courts won't care if there was a kid in the picture or not. Financial dependence is financial dependence with or without a good reason for it. I wouldn't drag your feet. She either shapes up fast, getting the counseling if necessary, or it's time to do what you need to do for your own financial security.

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There are plenty of great women out there who'd be more than happy to pull their own weight financially. You're missing out.

 

This is what I keep coming back to. I know the grass is not always amazingly greener but I've already met so many great women in a friendship context who work, like to work because it gives them independence and a social life amongst other things.

 

I just can't see myself keep pulling a weight for more years on end...

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I might add, things go before people. Renovated apartment? Sell and scale down. Expenses? Slash to the bare minimum. Second car? Sell it if she is not working. And work on the relationship. Get counseling. abitbroken is right, you made a commitment to her, and that means figuring out the relationship, working to repair where it is damaged. I think she should contribute, you think she should contribute, she may think she is contributing, but in any event, it isn't working for you now and you need to address that. I know you said you've tried talking, try again, try differently, do differently (make financial changes that affect both of you), discuss your new financial plan and goal and what is needed as a couple. Keep working on communicating. And tell her you are serious and show it by booking a series of marriage counseling visits. Go whether she goes or not.

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No. Do not kick your wife to the curb. She is not cheating on you, etc. What about your vows? I think that if you scale way back, you could address the concern in a different way. Instead of acting like her parent, or telling her "get a job" maybe there is something going on depression wise that you need to address as a couple.

 

I do agree with you but I have tried this and found her a counselor, which she enjoyed but didn't make fundamental changes. That's the crux of the issue, I'm the one arranging these aspects, there is not a lot of self help and I think if she was on her own she would (re)learn how to be independent. I don't think I help by continually doing all the propping up.

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I do agree with you but I have tried this and found her a counselor, which she enjoyed but didn't make fundamental changes. That's the crux of the issue, I'm the one arranging these aspects, there is not a lot of self help and I think if she was on her own she would (re)learn how to be independent. I don't think I help by continually doing all the propping up.

 

She is also comfortable as things are, physically. Don't "prop up". Cut back on "things." If you are working so much, you don't need much of a "nest", right? So if she is hanging out all day in a small, bare nest, she might find some motivation to make changes for the better.

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I might add, things go before people. Renovated apartment? Sell and scale down. Expenses? Slash to the bare minimum. Second car? Sell it if she is not working. And work on the relationship. Get counseling. abitbroken is right, you made a commitment to her, and that means figuring out the relationship, working to repair where it is damaged. I think she should contribute, you think she should contribute, she may think she is contributing, but in any event, it isn't working for you now and you need to address that. I know you said you've tried talking, try again, try differently, do differently (make financial changes that affect both of you), discuss your new financial plan and goal and what is needed as a couple. Keep working on communicating. And tell her you are serious and show it by booking a series of marriage counseling visits. Go whether she goes or not.

 

All of this I would do if I felt there was equal contribution on both sides. I'm not comfortable selling up just because one won't contribute. Yes, in a divorce/separation scenario I might just have to do that but emotionally I'm beat, I'm gone.

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All of this I would do if I felt there was equal contribution on both sides. I'm not comfortable selling up just because one won't contribute. Yes, in a divorce/separation scenario I might just have to do that but emotionally I'm beat, I'm gone.

OK, but why did you upgrade your lifestyle before dealing with the financial issues with her?

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All of this I would do if I.

 

You both could be operating with an "I would do IF..." mindset. Which is a big IF and relies on something other than yourself. So nothing changes. Sounds like you've already made your decision, you are done with this relationship, so are you ready to talk to a lawyer?

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OK, but why did you upgrade your lifestyle before dealing with the financial issues with her?

 

The loan was actually made at a time when we were both working, my father gave me a year before I had to start paying back, which is now turned into 4 years and counting. It was made in good faith and it was more structural and repair, less supping up the property. It needed to be done, it got done and the value of the property has gone up but my father is getting on in age and needs the money to plan for his future.

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You both could be operating with an "I would do IF..." mindset. Which is a big IF and relies on something other than yourself. So nothing changes. Sounds like you've already made your decision, you are done with this relationship, so are you ready to talk to a lawyer?

 

 

Very true, we are in a holding pattern. I'm ready to take a 6 month break, that would be my suggestion, a trial separation.

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She is the way she is because you are enabling her laziness. At the very least, if she doesn't want to work, she can make sure the house is spotless and meals are on the table daily, without the help of a maid or spending money to eat out.

 

I'm not sure why others suggest you keep trying, if it was me I would totally end this for the mere fact that you two are completely different. Plus, I don't like leeches and I would never break my back for one. She's not disabled, she's not stupid, so there is no reason why she wouldn't put in the effort and help out. If she's depressed (which I doubt is the case but let's give her the benefit of the doubt) then she can see a doctor and get that under control. Letting you do all the hard work while she's sitting with her a$$ on the couch all day long watching TV is just wrong, and nobody should put up with it.

To me, it warrants a split.

 

#1 Fire the maid

#2 Do not give her any money to eat out or buy stuff

#3 Stop babying her and sending resumes for her, and stop asking her to get a job. Walk out and let her figure out her own life. She will only get off her butt and become a functioning member of society when she sees she has no other choice, and that mooching off a man isn't really a sustainable way to live.

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She is the way she is because you are enabling her laziness. At the very least, if she doesn't want to work, she can make sure the house is spotless and meals are on the table daily, without the help of a maid or spending money to eat out.

 

I'm not sure why others suggest you keep trying, if it was me I would totally end this for the mere fact that you two are completely different. Plus, I don't like leeches and I would never break my back for one. She's not disabled, she's not stupid, so there is no reason why she wouldn't put in the effort and help out. If she's depressed (which I doubt is the case but let's give her the benefit of the doubt) then she can see a doctor and get that under control. Letting you do all the hard work while she's sitting with her a$$ on the couch all day long watching TV is just wrong, and nobody should put up with it.

To me, it warrants a split.

 

#1 Fire the maid

#2 Do not give her any money to eat out or buy stuff

#3 Stop babying her and sending resumes for her, and stop asking her to get a job. Walk out and let her figure out her own life. She will only get off her butt and become a functioning member of society when she sees she has no other choice, and that mooching off a man isn't really a sustainable way to live.

Yup. It'd be one thing if she were taking a few months too long to find a job, but we're talking 3+ years. Unfortunately, I highly suspect should the OP divorce her, she'll try her best to take him to the cleaners to continue subsidizing her lifestyle. Since he's tolerated her lack of motivation and enabled her for so long, he'll likely get stung.

 

OP, before I'd consider gambling on trial separations or trying to work with her for the next year or two, I'd consult a divorce attorney and see what kind of financial ramifications you could face for your efforts. You're entering into "moderate" length territory now and divorces generally start to get a lot rougher for the breadwinner.

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You are talking about debt collectors and lawsuits - is your wife actually aware of the severity of the situation or are you hiding that from her?

There is a big difference between "I want you to go get a job" and "if you don't take this job we will be homeless".

 

Your post is really contradictory - you say you are fine, but then you are one breath away from financial disaster, but then you keep a maid.....

I can only echo other posters - fire the maid, cancel tv, internet, sell whatever luxury items you might have - before you do that sit your wife down and let her know how dire the finances are and what's going to happen and why. Perhaps that will wake her up. Otherwise, you may just whine about money but you are paying a maid, so ....surely....you are just whining....right?

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