Should I do it?

[positiveone]

Maybe it’s because I’m such a nostalgic person, It’s going to be a full year since our breakup las January. I still think about her every f*cking day and it eats away at me. Endless questions pop into my head on a daily basis, “I wonder if she will ever try to contact me again” “I wonder if she cares anymore”. Im tempted to reach out and then I remember that I’ll get my hand bitten.. there fore I hold back and bottle true emotions to the matter... because I know she’s never coming back.

 

I want to be ready to get into a new relationship but she’s always in the back of my mind. AFTER A YEAR OF BEING SEPERATED! God I hope I meet a girl someday that makes me not even remember what my old relationship was like because it’s so good. I want this feeling gone. I want to not care anymore.

[Hula567]

Would be interesting to hear a little more backstory. Why did you break up? Have you contacted her at all since the breakup? Do you know if she is single?

[ThatwasThen]

This is what you said about the last time you text her in one of your MANY THREADS about her *Positiveone* \

Well guys... I did it. I texted her “ Merry Christmas (her name) ” and I got nothing back. That’s alright though because I did it for myself, I wanted to text her and let that guard down that I’ve been holding up for so long.. and honestly it feels good to be nice. Even if I didn’t get a friendly response.

 

So on one hand it does feel good because I did what I wanted to do, on the other hand it’s maybe something I shouldn’t have done. Oh well.. it’s water under the bridge, moving forward is the only place to go...

 

Stop putting yourself through this. Its high time that you started to change the dialogue you have going on in your mind about this chick. Its over, it was nice while it lasted but it's not doing you any good to make a life out of thinking about her and how you woke up beside her. It's not doing you any good in OCD thinking about looking into her eyes and saying nothing in the morning or thinking about any of the other thoughts you harbour about her like they were your best friend.

 

It's time you got yourself into counselling if you can't change your thoughts of her to ACCEPTANCE and get on with your life with the goal of getting to indifference to her. You will never and I mean NEVER find another love connection when you have no room in your head or heart because it's still filled up with the ghost of some girl. She did the right thing in not responding to you. Zero contact is how you get to that blissful stage of indifference to someone who is no longer in your life.

 

A few people in your threads have asked you why the two of you broke up yet you haven't answered that question. Perhaps if you allow us to talk about that with you, you will finally realize that she's not the epitome of virtue you have placed her to be in your mind.

 

So: Why DID you break up and who did the breaking? How long did you date before it ended?

[Capricorn3]

OP, you have 52 threads about this girl and have had thousands of very helpful and constructive advice - all of which you seem to have ignored, hence you still posting about the same issues over and over again. One year and 52 threads later and nothing's changed. I would say that's a very good indicator that you NEED professional help, because clearly, posting on the internet has done nothing for you. You're obsessed. Get the help you need, unless you want to continue this way for the next 10 years and beyond. Time to get to counselling/therapy - the sooner the better.

[hidden_kitten]

Nope don't do it! If she's not responded to the christmas message then she won't respond to anything now. I've been there many times "just one more text" but the silence cuts even worse after! I still thought of my ex a lot one year on, hadn't dated anybody. By the summer I had a new crush. The ex is still kind of there but I no longer check up on him. Unfortunately nothing got off the ground with the crush and I'm still single, but you WILL get there.

[positiveone]

Lol. Trust me I’ve been to counseling ... it helps but not that much. Im not obsessed just lonely and I miss having a love connection. 52 threads is a way for me to vent... and talk. Yeah I need to get over this girl .. I’m definilty healed but not completely. We broke up because of lack of sex and she was not able to communicate effectively. We had a bond unlike any I’ve ever experienced with another human being. I lost one of my best friends. That is why this is tough. I’ve spent literally 2 grand on therapy.. I have everything I need to know.. it doesn’t wash away the pain..

[abitbroken]

Lol. Trust me I’ve been to counseling ... it helps but not that much. Im not obsessed just lonely and I miss having a love connection. 52 threads is a way for me to vent... and talk. Yeah I need to get over this girl .. I’m definilty healed but not completely. We broke up because of lack of sex and she was not able to communicate effectively. We had a bond unlike any I’ve ever experienced with another human being. I lost one of my best friends. That is why this is tough. I’ve spent literally 2 grand on therapy.. I have everything I need to know.. it doesn’t wash away the pain..

 

It doesn't help because you don't want it to. you aren't reconnecting with friendships that have gone by the wayside. you are not trying new hobbies or restaurants or enriching yourself. I know its hard, but you will never meet someone new so long as you are not over your ex. Its not fun to be in a relationship with someone who is not over their ex - believe me, its not.

[melancholy123]

OP, you have 52 threads about this girl and have had thousands of very helpful and constructive advice - all of which you seem to have ignored, hence you still posting about the same issues over and over again. One year and 52 threads later and nothing's changed. I would say that's a very good indicator that you NEED professional help, because clearly, posting on the internet has done nothing for you. You're obsessed. Get the help you need, unless you want to continue this way for the next 10 years and beyond. Time to get to counselling/therapy - the sooner the better.

 

YES! You are indeed obsessed and it's past time to get some therapy to learn how to get past this as you clearly cant do it on your own.

[Capricorn3]

I’ve spent literally 2 grand on therapy.. .

Clearly it hasn't worked. Find a new therapist.

[goodkatherine]

Hello. I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. I have personally never experianced a breakup (well excluding high school flings that were not very serious). If I was in your situation, I wouldn't contact her. If she wanted you back she would have made it noticeable esp within a year of breaking up. I'm a girl, I know sometimes girls can be really confusing and we are not always understood easily. Sometimes girls like to see if the guy will make the first move, ect. But unfortunately its been one year since the breakup and she hasn't contacted you, she more than likely has moved on. I'm so sorry to say that, cause reading that may have broken your heart a little bit more. Some advice for you would be to move on. Delete her number and any contacts you have of her, facebook, Twitter, tumbler everything. I mean even delete photos. GOSH PHOTOS ARE THE WORST! DONT LOOK AT THAT LOL! but seriously, do that. I also advise you to not jump into a new relationship right away, its not good to fill the void with someone else, it won't work, and in the long run you could be breaking someone else heart and I don't think you want to do that. Its better to approach your problem by getting back out into the dating scene, just keep it casual. Eventually you will loose all feelings for her and, hey you will find someone out there. Were all human beings, were all capabale of falling in love with several different people, there's someone out there for you. Something that I have always been told,( and it seriously worked for me) don't look for it, it will find you. For one year I quite trying to find someone, I lived my life as a single girl and then one day it hit BAM in my face I met someone very unexpectedly. Also don't keep your emotions bottled up. Its much better to talk about them with someone either a close friend, parents, cousin, counsler and even on here. Also I will note that, that rude comment above was really disrespectful and I found that to be completely rude and disregarding to your feelings. I mean were all here for relationship advice f#$!%#$ duh! Doesn't matter how much we post, the reason we post is for help. Anyway, this is prob the size of a novel by now. Sorry. But I really hope that you got something from this and I wish you the best of luck. Stay peaceful:)

[figureitout23]

I'm confused guys. There are quite a few 'regulars' here who have tons and tons of posts about their exes and they don't get this kind of response. I won't lie I'm not that familiar with his story, but he's not different from others who get coddled so much I want to grab a binkie, so what gives? As long as he's not being deceitful and jumping on different board and leaving out parts of his story * cough * he said he's working through it, let the guy vent.

[boltnrun]

One of my friends has been pining over her ex since 1994. Yep, you read that right.

 

She has been institutionalized and is currently on medical disability, unable to work or even go out in public. She sits at home and stuffs herself with junk food. Why? Because her ex had "promised" to marry her way back then and she insists he must keep that promise. Even though he married someone else. So she is waiting for him to keep that promise. She will not date anyone else because she's "supposed to" marry him.

 

Please don't let this happen to you.

 

I do wonder if clinging to memories of her either makes you feel good, or maybe it's a way to avoid relationships. Do you imagine that you two are still together? Do you feel like dating others would make you disloyal to her?

[Carus]

That is horrible BoltnRun. I'm so sorry for your friend! But unfortunately, breakups and rejection can really do a number on us...

 

I am myself worried for my health during this breakup, but if we can draw any sort of positive from your friends horrible situation it is this: Determination.

 

Yes there is a time to grieve and that is important, but we also must, must, must get determined and take action to recover. Some will make a full recovery. Some may not.

 

I'm not going to say we need to 'move on' but rather 'move past' the horror of being abandoned by someone we at one time thought would never do that....

 

Thanks for sharing. If anything, it's inspiring*

 

Carus*

[ThatwasThen]

I'm confused guys. There are quite a few 'regulars' here who have tons and tons of posts about their exes and they don't get this kind of response. I won't lie I'm not that familiar with his story, but he's not different from others who get coddled so much I want to grab a binkie, so what gives? As long as he's not being deceitful and jumping on different board and leaving out parts of his story * cough * he said he's working through it, let the guy vent.

read his history. He’s doing Nothing to get to the stage of indifference to his ex and it’s time he stopped obsessing so that is how the responses tend to go when someone just wants to keep lamenting and has no desire to listen to anything that will help them to move on.

[ThatwasThen]

Lol. Trust me I’ve been to counseling ... it helps but not that much. Im not obsessed just lonely and I miss having a love connection. 52 threads is a way for me to vent... and talk. Yeah I need to get over this girl .. I’m definilty healed but not completely. We broke up because of lack of sex and she was not able to communicate effectively. We had a bond unlike any I’ve ever experienced with another human being. I lost one of my best friends. That is why this is tough. I’ve spent literally 2 grand on therapy.. I have everything I need to know.. it doesn’t wash away the pain..

you are not doing anything to help yourself to wash away the pain. In fact you’ve made your pain your best friend.

[reinventmyself]

I think there comes a time after a certain amount of typical rumination and obsessing that you need to learn to catch yourself.

 

There are interesting studies that show areas of the brain that are stimulated by being exposed to things that trigger you. An ex is a perfect example.

 

When you reach that point (and for everyone it's different) that you feel your obsessing about and ex that has long past it's sell date and you should be seeing

some progress but seem to be stuck, you need to start disciplining yourself to `stop' giving the unwanted thoughts any value.

 

You need to realize you do have more control over it than you think. Your thoughts are a choice. It takes some practice, but old habits of ruminating and

romanticizing can be stopped if you make the decision to do so. It's not as easy as just wishing them away. The moment when the thought of an ex sneaks up on you, you need

to catch it and replace it with something else. Because in the thoughts absence. . there is nothing. So you need to have some tools. . for me I have a list of happy places

I think of and/or I immediately go into reciting everything I am thankful for. You need to replace the unwanted thought with something else. With practice you can do this.

 

The goal here is to stop stimulating that part of your brain that keeps you hooked and attached to this person.

Every time you do you are feeding the attachment and if the goal is to ultimately move on you need to learn to stop it and acknowledge that thoughts are not some mysterious

thing that happen outside of you. They are a choice.

[ThatwasThen]

I think there comes a time after a certain amount of typical rumination and obsessing that you need to learn to catch yourself.

 

There are interesting studies that show areas of the brain that are stimulated by being exposed to things that trigger you. An ex is a perfect example.

 

When you reach that point (and for everyone it's different) that you feel your obsessing about and ex that has long past it's sell date and you should be seeing

some progress but seem to be stuck, you need to start disciplining yourself to `stop' giving the unwanted thoughts any value.

 

You need to realize you do have more control over it than you think. Your thoughts are a choice. It takes some practice, but old habits of ruminating and

romanticizing can be stopped if you make the decision to do so. It's not as easy as just wishing them away. The moment when the thought of an ex sneaks up on you, you need

to catch it and replace it with something else. Because in the thoughts absence. . there is nothing. So you need to have some tools. . for me I have a list of happy places

I think of and/or I immediately go into reciting everything I am thankful for. You need to replace the unwanted thought with something else. With practice you can do this.

 

The goal here is to stop stimulating that part of your brain that keeps you hooked and attached to this person.

Every time you do you are feeding the attachment and if the goal is to ultimately move on you need to learn to stop it and acknowledge that thoughts are not some mysterious

thing that happen outside of you. They are a choice.

 

Worth repeating!