10 weeks since breakup and getting worse

[TeddyPSmith]

Hello, I’m new here. I used to post at Loveshack.org but it disappeared as did my “journal” of the previous relationship and breakup. I’m about 10 weeks into this thing and NC the whole time. I feel as though I’m going through some type of crisis and not getting better at all. My life is completely upside down and I don’t even think I’m the same person anymore. I was married for 8 years, divorced 3 years ago that ended in her having an affair, and within 9 months I was dating someone else. The new girl was a polar opposite of the ex in good and bad ways but God did I love her.

 

We dated for 2 years but incompatibilities just wreaked havoc on us and she finally called it quits. I’ve been devastated since. We both have kids the same age and that made it a little harder. But she seemed to have taken this much better than me. I saw her once briefly at an intersection and she smiled and waved. I don’t have those happy, secure feelings.

 

I cry every single day. I don’t know if it’s losing her, losing my marriage, job stresses, House stresses, mid life crisis (early 40s) or what.

 

I know that I have to just go through the pain and feel the emotions. I’ve been in therapy since day 1 and on lexapro. I still feel debilitated. In fact I couldn’t even picture her face until just recently. I couldn’t recall memories of us until recently. Now I’m flooded with them and having dreams all the time. I wake up depressed and usually bawl my eyes out. I’d do anything to have her back but I think she made it clear that she’s done. I can’t seem to grasp why that is. I just can’t seem to accept it and the thought of it is terribly painful. I’ve considered writing her a letter but seeing as she’s never reached out to me, I don’t know that she’d even care.

 

Does anyone have any insight into this or similar experience? The thought of years of this pain seems unbearable. My entire core is totally shaken.

[Carus]

I cry every single day. I don’t know if it’s losing her, losing my marriage, job stresses, House stresses, mid life crisis (early 40s) or what

Hi Teddy. Sounds like a bit of 'all of the above'. Your body is crying because it needs to so don't try and suppress it too much. It will ease up eventually.

 

I'm guessing you may not have grieved your losses properly and it's all coming to a head now.

 

I never posted at Loveshack but I did notice it had gone down recently.

 

You could write that letter but do not send it. It will not garner the results you are looking for whether that is reconciliation or closure. Good to write it out and then burn it ceremonially.

The thought of years of this pain seems unbearable.

I'm 7 months out now with a trail of breadcrumbs that stopped only 2 weeks ago and yes it's terrifying to think this will go on for years

 

Having said that I feel it's going to take me the better part of 2 years to really get to the other side.

 

Just be patient with yourself but also be determined.

 

It will feel like you're never going to make it, but you will if you just hang in there, slow your life down and just take care of the immediate things.

 

I'm now implementing a strict meditation routine as this is a battle of the mind and I've tried pretty much everything else.

 

You know you are not alone*

 

Regards

Carus*

[TeddyPSmith]

Thank you for the response. I agree with everything you've said

 

I'm guessing you may not have grieved your losses properly and it's all coming to a head now.

 

This is probably very true. Im almost having flashbacks of things from 14 years ago. Feeling pains of things that I haven't thought about in years. For the longest time I tried to tell myself what not to think and what to think. I probably pushed down some emotions that are now coming to the surface.

 

I'm 7 months out now with a trail of breadcrumbs that stopped only 2 weeks ago and yes it's terrifying to think this will go on for years

 

Having said that I feel it's going to take me the better part of 2 years to really get to the other side.

 

I suppose im lucky in that I get ZERO breadcrumbs. Although it would be really nice to know that she cared enough to check up on me. Do you enjoy getting them or is it torture?

 

I'm now implementing a strict meditation routine as this is a battle of the mind and I've tried pretty much everything else.

 

Id really like to start doing this. I think being present is key to happiness in general. Its just so damn hard with all of the external stimulation these days!

 

Thanks again for the reply.

[Carus]

I suppose im lucky in that I get ZERO breadcrumbs. Although it would be really nice to know that she cared enough to check up on me. Do you enjoy getting them or is it torture?

My mega thread is here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543562

 

If you want to read it you'll need a couple of hours and a stiff drink :-/

 

The breadcrumbs kept me afloat for the first few months because I was full of Hope, but as she weaned off me and the contacts got less and less and I had to come to the reality that she isn't coming back they became my worst nightmare and drove me into the dark hole I'm trying to crawl out of now....

 

I feel now that she has stopped my healing might take hold....I still have a long road ahead.

 

Meditation is hard to implement into our lives and there are many different types of meditation, but I definitely think it's a much needed tool that we just don't pick up.

 

Take care of your sleep, diet and income...and just breathe. That's all you need to do for right now*

 

Carus*

[Mikey383]

Hey Teddy.

 

I am with you man... And agree with CARUS...

Bread crumbs suck... And although we hope to get them (because in our brains it shows up as: Hey that person still cares about us, and our pride/ego jumps for it, just for that split second of happiness.... But in reality, those are torture...You are better off without any.)

 

I am in the same boat as you... Similar situation... And been NC now for 8 months....

 

I was married for 14 years, which did not work out... Dated someone immediately after my divorce for about 11 months and ran from her eventually... Took a short break and met a woman that rocked my world for 2.5 years... And when she walked away finally, I hit rock bottom as well.... Everything you are going through, I went through...

 

8 months down the road I am way better..., but I allowed myself to naturally go through the process... And so must you...

It is not a midlife crisis... It is being human...

 

Bread crumbs: If you call it that... Some call it "Hoovering"..... Since February I have been receiving calls from Private Numbers... Yeah, I don't pick them up... But I know it is my EX... The calls ring my cell every 2 weeks like clock work, and at times that she knows I will have my cell on me ( my cell is not attached to me like a life line.... haha). She knows that... So, she dials me up knowing when I have it on me... Now I am also getting the calls on my home phone... She has both numbers.... It is not some coincidence... But there you go..... You don't need any this.... You need quiet....

[TeddyPSmith]

If you want to read it you'll need a couple of hours and a stiff drink :-/

 

Ill actually probably read it! I find some comfort in other people's misery (just kidding). I saw you comment on another post and mention an audiobook about abandonment. I instantly downloaded it and started listening. That makes the 8th audiobook ive bought since this happened. I need something to occupy my mind!

 

 

Mikey383 - im glad youre doing better. That gives me some hope. I know that you cant really compare recovery times but its good to get an idea. I agree with you. Going through it naturally is key. Im not trying to suppress ANYTHING from here on out, regardless of others' well intentioned advice to "snap out of it" or "get over it".

 

Life can really throw you a fastball, right in the face at times. If you get hit enough, you just snap. I'd almost (embarrassingly) liken it to PTSD. Not taking ANYTHING from combat veterans but I do wonder if traumatic emotional events can do a similar number on your psyche as some of the horrific things veterans have seen.

[Mikey383]

Ill actually probably read it! I find some comfort in other people's misery (just kidding). I saw you comment on another post and mention an audiobook about abandonment. I instantly downloaded it and started listening. That makes the 8th audiobook ive bought since this happened. I need something to occupy my mind!

 

 

Mikey383 - im glad youre doing better. That gives me some hope. I know that you cant really compare recovery times but its good to get an idea. I agree with you. Going through it naturally is key. Im not trying to suppress ANYTHING from here on out, regardless of others' well intentioned advice to "snap out of it" or "get over it".

 

Life can really throw you a fastball, right in the face at times. If you get hit enough, you just snap. I'd almost (embarrassingly) liken it to PTSD. Not taking ANYTHING from combat veterans but I do wonder if traumatic emotional events can do a similar number on your psyche as some of the horrific things veterans have seen.

 

Teddy

I am a combat vet.

I have seen a lot and been in the heat of it.

I can tell you one thing: I rather be shot, take a bullet, have a gaping wound,....rather than a broken heart.

A broken heart is more trauma causing to a human being than being in a tough combat area...

Many vets experience PTSD as something linked to stressful combat actions.... True... However there are also many combat vets that experience PTSD by far worse when they end up in a stressful combat environment and also receive that notification that their significant other has left them for a new novelty... I seen that happen a lot.... Here we are in the middle of Afghanistan... We can't just leave our post... And here a friend of mine finds out that his wife is having an affair while he is helplessly stuck thousands of miles away.... So, now you have combat stress and a broken heart... The two mixed is a huge PTSD rocket.... So, yes... PTSD can happen from emotional stress....

[TeddyPSmith]

Teddy

I am a combat vet.

I have seen a lot and been in the heat of it.

I can tell you one thing: I rather be shot, take a bullet, have a gaping wound,....rather than a broken heart.

A broken heart is more trauma causing to a human being than being in a tough combat area...

Many vets experience PTSD as something linked to stressful combat actions.... True... However there are also many combat vets that experience PTSD by far worse when they end up in a stressful combat environment and also receive that notification that their significant other has left them for a new novelty... I seen that happen a lot.... Here we are in the middle of Afghanistan... We can't just leave our post... And here a friend of mine finds out that his wife is having an affair while he is helplessly stuck thousands of miles away.... So, now you have combat stress and a broken heart... The two mixed is a huge PTSD rocket.... So, yes... PTSD can happen from emotional stress....

 

Mikey - first of all, thank you for your service. I wrote that post and then started searching some of your old posts and realized that you are a combat vet. I was hoping it wouldn't offend you! I was in Afghanistan with the national guard in 2002. I saw many affairs go down. I was lucky enough to have broken up with a girl right before going.

 

Also, in your posts, I noticed a similarity with my ex...the kid(s). Man that added some crap to the situation! It seems that you and I have a better situation with our exes than the girls we dated. The father wasn't in the picture at all with my ex gf so she was raising her son alone with the help of her mom. My ex wife is VERY involved with my daughter and you can really tell. I know that we are predisposed to favor our own kids but I cant help but feel like my daughter was so much more behaved and polite. I would never let mine get away with the things she let hers get away with. My daughter was always so loving and happy to see her little boy. He was often rude to her. Didn't want to share his toys on the rare occasion that we went to their house. Meanwhile, we spent 99% of the time at my house where he played with all of my daughter's toys. God its so annoying to look back on.

 

Well, doesn't matter. She is gone now and somehow managed to leave without feeling too bad about it all. It's like a switch flipped. She went from insecure and jealous to total freedom. Let me with most of the blame and even offered some advice for getting over her. Now im wrecked. I suppose some good could come of this but I feel like garbage now.

 

Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent!

[Carus]

We can't just leave our post... And here a friend of mine finds out that his wife is having an affair while he is helplessly stuck thousands of miles away.... So, now you have combat stress and a broken heart... The two mixed is a huge PTSD rocket....

Thanks for that post Mikey* ~ Truly brutal...! Are you still in contact with that friend? Is he doing ok now...?

 

I would agree that heartbreak is probably the toughest thing a lot of us will ever face....especially if it's that deep traumatising heartbreak....

 

Last year a family was vacationing on the South coast here. The father was out surfing with his eldest daughter. The others were on the beach.

Right in front of the fathers eyes a great white came and took his daughter.....

 

How would you ever get over something like that?

 

The truth is, you wouldn't....

 

You might heal and be able to move forward for the sake of your family but the scar would always be there and slightly open....

 

Some might say that something like that is worse than breaking up or divorce, but the main difference is that when somebody dies, they are gone for everybody. The tributes flow and the support comes in folds...from family, friends and the community as a whole....

 

But when somebody leaves you, they only die in your life. For everyone else they are still very much alive and well....And so we are alone in our grief....

 

Plus we know they are still there so we go through the torment of trying to win them back and/or NC, and this can cause a lot more psychological damage and prolong the healing process even further.....

 

We certainly still have a lot to be grateful for*

 

Carus*

[Mikey383]

Mikey - first of all, thank you for your service. I wrote that post and then started searching some of your old posts and realized that you are a combat vet. I was hoping it wouldn't offend you! I was in Afghanistan with the national guard in 2002. I saw many affairs go down. I was lucky enough to have broken up with a girl right before going.

 

Also, in your posts, I noticed a similarity with my ex...the kid(s). Man that added some crap to the situation! It seems that you and I have a better situation with our exes than the girls we dated. The father wasn't in the picture at all with my ex gf so she was raising her son alone with the help of her mom. My ex wife is VERY involved with my daughter and you can really tell. I know that we are predisposed to favor our own kids but I cant help but feel like my daughter was so much more behaved and polite. I would never let mine get away with the things she let hers get away with. My daughter was always so loving and happy to see her little boy. He was often rude to her. Didn't want to share his toys on the rare occasion that we went to their house. Meanwhile, we spent 99% of the time at my house where he played with all of my daughter's toys. God its so annoying to look back on.

 

Well, doesn't matter. She is gone now and somehow managed to leave without feeling too bad about it all. It's like a switch flipped. She went from insecure and jealous to total freedom. Let me with most of the blame and even offered some advice for getting over her. Now im wrecked. I suppose some good could come of this but I feel like garbage now.

 

Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent!

 

Teddy

 

No offense taken...

Glad you are reading my posts... And it looks like we can relate...:)

Thank you also for your service.

 

My best advise to you, is let it go.... Got to move on... I know it is harder done than said.....

I been NC for 8 months now... I am so much better at this point... I find stuff to do...

 

If you want to chat about it... Send me a personal message and I will give you my number...

It is good to vent... :)

 

Mikey

[Mikey383]

Thanks for that post Mikey* ~ Truly brutal...! Are you still in contact with that friend? Is he doing ok now...?

 

I would agree that heartbreak is probably the toughest thing a lot of us will ever face....especially if it's that deep traumatising heartbreak....

 

Last year a family was vacationing on the South coast here. The father was out surfing with his eldest daughter. The others were on the beach.

Right in front of the fathers eyes a great white came and took his daughter.....

 

How would you ever get over something like that?

 

The truth is, you wouldn't....

 

You might heal and be able to move forward for the sake of your family but the scar would always be there and slightly open....

 

Some might say that something like that is worse than breaking up or divorce, but the main difference is that when somebody dies, they are gone for everybody. The tributes flow and the support comes in folds...from family, friends and the community as a whole....

 

But when somebody leaves you, they only die in your life. For everyone else they are still very much alive and well....And so we are alone in our grief....

 

Plus we know they are still there so we go through the torment of trying to win them back and/or NC, and this can cause a lot more psychological damage and prolong the healing process even further.....

 

We certainly still have a lot to be grateful for*

 

Carus*

 

Carus

 

I am... And he is still a wreck...

A broken heart hurts more than anything else, and it hurts the longest... Absolutely...

You are correct... When someone dies, they die for everyone... But when someone walks out, and you know that someone else has them... That hurts a lot longer.... I agree...

[lifecoach]

i understand the struggle. your doing the right thing reaching out and sharing.

I’ve learned we cant control what life will throw our way, but we can control how we respond

 

so, i suggest talking to trusted friends and sharing here.

 

thanks

[TeddyPSmith]

just writing to get some stuff out. I haven’t heard a peep from her in 12 weeks and I don’t think I ever will. I saw one of her friends three different times last week and another friend once. I’m certain they saw me.

 

I feel so damn depressed. I’m 42 and wanted a second shot at a family. I had that second shot with she and her son. I met too many things bother me and had too many doubts and insecurities. It ultimately drove her away. Not that she was without fault. I’ve got quite a list of her faults. But at this point it doesn’t matter. She walked away and seemed fine with it. So who cares about her faults but me trying to justify my behavior?

 

I wish she would’ve given me some decent closure. She admitted no fault in the end and sort of put it all on me. She wouldn’t meet up or let our kids say bye. 2 years and they were best friends. No goodbyes for anyone. I’m so damn angry, sad, disappointed, hopeless, rejected, dejected. I was a great employee and father once, a few months ago. Now I’m just an angry detached shell. I hope there is an end to this at some point bc it really sucks.

[Lambert]

just writing to get some stuff out. I haven’t heard a peep from her in 12 weeks and I don’t think I ever will. I saw one of her friends three different times last week and another friend once. I’m certain they saw me.

 

I feel so damn depressed. I’m 42 and wanted a second shot at a family. I had that second shot with she and her son. I met too many things bother me and had too many doubts and insecurities. It ultimately drove her away. Not that she was without fault. I’ve got quite a list of her faults. But at this point it doesn’t matter. She walked away and seemed fine with it. So who cares about her faults but me trying to justify my behavior?

 

I wish she would’ve given me some decent closure. She admitted no fault in the end and sort of put it all on me. She wouldn’t meet up or let our kids say bye. 2 years and they were best friends. No goodbyes for anyone. I’m so damn angry, sad, disappointed, hopeless, rejected, dejected. I was a great employee and father once, a few months ago. Now I’m just an angry detached shell. I hope there is an end to this at some point bc it really sucks.

sometimes it gets worse before it gets better!

 

suck it up for the kids. love the kids maje it better for them. you're still a great dad!

[Mike5]

Teddy, bar the kids I'm in exactly the same boat. Same age, same experience, same feelings now and all the rest.

 

You're not alone.

[TeddyPSmith]

Teddy, bar the kids I'm in exactly the same boat. Same age, same experience, same feelings now and all the rest.

 

You're not alone.

 

Mike how far along are you in this?

 

I can’t shake the urge to send her a card on her birthday next week, telling her that I miss them and that my heart won’t let go. I simply can not stop obsessing over her. I dream about her every night now. It’s a strange phase I’m in where I am just solidify depressed. I LONG for her. I miss her son. I just feel so damn lonely.

 

She had plans to finish school and mentioned moving away when she was done. I’m sure she’s thrilled at the endless possibilities that her life has to offer her. Why does she get to have such a grand outlook while I’m stuck in this damn prison? I feel like I’m always the one that gets screwed. She gets to feel justified in all of her actions and I get to over analyze my mistakes and blame myself.

 

I made a huge list of her faults. When i read it or share it with anyone, I get a quick burst of self-righteousness but it fades away into missing her again. Sometimes I wonder if talking about her is almost like a drug for my brain since it can’t have her.

 

I wish this would just end!

[Mike5]

Teddy, I'm in exactly the same way. 9 weeks in after an eight year relationship. I don't want to be annoying people by posting everywhere, but I've been updating in the Journal thread if you want to learn more.

 

Scenario, and ex moving on wonderfully with her life almost identical.

[TeddyPSmith]

I’ll check out your journal. I get some comfort in being able to relate to others and reading their stories.

 

Next to never being with her again, my biggest fear is never getting over her. I feel like my chances of having the family that I want are fading away. I know they say it’s never too late but I’ve been through fertility treatments with my ex wife. I lost her when she had an affair. Then I got this second chance and I screwed it up. I let it slip through my fingers bc I didn’t love her just as she was. If I could just turn back time.

[Mike5]

Mine laid it all on me, and I was so weak at the start I accepted that. With a bit of time I can see it was 50-50: she made some awful decisions that drove us into a corner and made life very difficult.

 

But she has shown no signs of recognising that and is barreling merrily on with no consequences. I feel pretty robbed, in all honesty. And worse, having said all that, I still want my old life, my normality, back. This is a nightmare.

[TeddyPSmith]

Mine basically put it on me too. She also said so many contradictions, or confabulation as I recently learned. For instance, she said I wanted a woman from the 1950s. I reminded her that I did all of the cooking, cleaning, entertaining, crafts with kids. She then said we had role reversal. She said she wanted to be with someone that wanted to go on vacations. Just a few months prior I took her on a brewery tour of New England. I invited her to Disney, which was ironically the reason she broke up with me.

 

It’s all a complete mind f@ck. In some strange way I still have hope that she will come back to me. It’s like I need it to sink in that she does not want me. Like I need all hope destroyed.

[Wiseman2]

It was down temporarily. It's back up.

I’m new here. I used to post at Loveshack.org but it disappeared as did my “journal” of the previous relationship and breakup.