Jump to content

Losing trust when you did *nothing* wrong. Please help.


pennyloafer2

Recommended Posts

I was at "the guy I'm dating"'s today and he fell asleep, so I got on the computer (I opened a new window, let all his up) and Facebook chatted with a friend while he slept. When he woke up, I closed my window and let him on his computer. He got angry and said that I "changed" his tabs. I did not. His brother got on and clicked something on ONE of the tabs, which I mentioned to him. He says, no, you closed like 10 tabs. This was a totally false accusation, so I said, I have no idea what you're talking about, this is all I did and told him what I did. He said, well, you're a liar. I left the room and went to the bathroom to regain my composure. Then we went to a movie. I texted him before the movie ( we were with a huge group of friends and he was conversing with others) I said "What you did was not cool. I don't appreciate being accused of something I didn't do and being called a liar when I did nothing wrong." After the movie he said "Sorry" and I said "It's alright." Later that night when we got home I Facebook chatted him, and he said he's going to put a password on his computer and that he doesn't trust me. I said this hurt because I did nothing wrong. He implied that I lied once more.

 

As far as "proof" goes, he has none. I feel like he was mad at someone else and took it out on me. This whole password stuff, calling me a liar, its sabotaging the relationship.

 

Should I let it go? Forgive him even though he still thinks I'm a liar?

I really really care about him so I don't really want to break up, but part of me feels like this is only going to go downhill.

 

I'm so tired of this .

Link to comment

This is one of those things where I think - why could you possibly care that I used your computer? To me, they are tools - or maybe like a toolbox. To others, my missus included, they are like personal private things. For example a woman's purse. I would never, ever, reach my hand or even look inside. Even if you were sitting right next to me and said: Grab my keys from the purse please... I would hand you your purse and let you do it yourself. To some, their computers deserve that level of privacy as well...

 

If this guy is really worth the aggravation then I'd simply apologize for what you did wrong: I'm sorry I used your computer without your permission. I didn't change anything intentionally and I don't think I changed anything at all. I absolutely didn't snoop. I didn't realize that you'd be so sensitive about it. I'm okay with us treating our computers like our bank accounts. I won't touch yours. You won't touch mine. That being said, please don't call me a liar anymore because that hurts my feelings.

 

That being said - either 1) your bf has reason to be suspicious. e.g. You are a snoop or told him you were a snoop. or 2) Your bf is speaking from baggage - does he have a snoop-crazed ex ? or 3) He's a wacko with serious trust issues and will be accusing you of everything under the sun for the rest of your life...

 

I'm in a #3 situation. If what happened to you happened to me in a new relationship I think I'd give it about 20 minutes of discussion and reassurance, while telling my other in no uncertain terms that the accusations are not acceptable. If it came up again I'd be gone...

 

You shouldn't have to spend your life defending yourself, and the accusations can get really creepy.

Link to comment

I think it's rather rude of him to fall asleep when you come over. what else were you supposed to do? sit there and look at the wall?

 

I agree with the others, you shouldn't be writing an apology letter. You clicked on one tab and closed it? So what!? (even if you did not). i don't see what the big deal is. Don't write the letter. I would consider not seeing him anymore as well. he sounds highly unreasonably. I suspect he has something to hide.

Link to comment

I don't like the way he reacted to you. He was rude to you, and that is not nice.

 

I suspect that he might just remember the computer looking differently. I think the bigger point is that he might not want you using his computer. That's the real conversation to have. Maybe he was annoyed the last time you used it and he just never said anything. Do not send an apology email. If you did nothing wrong, there is nothing to apologize for. Deal with the issue in person and don't back down to make a false peace.

 

How is the relationship in general and how does he usually treat you?

Link to comment

I don't think this was related to privacy issues, hiding something etc. I am one of these people that leaves a browser with 10+ tabs up all the time for things that I want to get back to reading/doing 'later' (they stay there for DAYS WEEKS OR EVEN MONTHS!). I think this was just an issue of him being annoyed at the loss of the tabs - and he took it out on you. I think it was just immaturity and nothing else.

Link to comment

^I'm lazy - I really get annoyed when I lose my million and one tabs - some I opened 10 weeks ago (and who knows what I had there - even I don't remember) It is some kind of 'electronic hoarding' I think. So yes I get annoyed - I think that is what happened with him and he just took it out on her because she 'touched his important mess'.

Link to comment

Wow, he is way overreacting... and where there's smoke there's fire! Perhaps he doesn't want you looking at what he's doing on the computer, and this is his excuse to lock you out. So maybe his overreaction is freaking out becuase you might have caught him doing something he shouldn't (i.e., chatting up other girls perhaps?).

 

Anyway, you have nothing to apologize for. Don't give in to emotional bullying like this or you will create a monster.... He should apologize to you for overreacting...

Link to comment

I am really crazy defensive about my computer. I don't want anybody to touch it ever. Once, my boyfriend, suspicious of the way I constantly guard my laptop, used it while I was in the shower. He told me that he was just checking the weather forcast, and I informed him that his own laptop was RIGHT THERE on the desk . Then he apologized and I told him not to do it again.

 

So I can understand him being defensive about his computer.

 

What I don't understand is someone who so thoroughly disrespects you to keep you in the doghouse about it.

 

I don't understand him calling you a "liar" when you've already admitted the essential details, you used his computer, you used the internet. What does he want you to say, "yes, I went on your computer and I messed around all the tabs just to annoy you"?

 

I don't understand him calling you names. That is completely uncalled for during a fight. It is unacceptable.

 

Break up with him. If you can't break up with him now, break up from him when he accuses of getting sick on purpose or calls you a cheater when you win at poker. If you can't break up with him then, break up with him when he starts beating you up verbally or physically without even bothering to find a reason. If you don't break up with him then, I really don't know what to say.

Link to comment
I think it's rather rude of him to fall asleep when you come over. what else were you supposed to do? sit there and look at the wall?

 

Don't write the letter. I would consider not seeing him anymore as well. he sounds highly unreasonably. I suspect he has something to hide.

 

Yeah, agree and agree.

 

Maybe, maybe consider continuing to see him if he writes you an apology letter.

Link to comment

He should definitely be apologizing to you not the other way around. Only someone with serious issues would get that angry and accusatory over something so insignificant. Who cares if he loses his precious tabs? It's not the end of the world and I highly doubt that is what he got upset about. I would bet money that this guy is hiding something. I think he was worried that you saw something and is trying to blame shift. Expect a lot more of this behavior if you continue this. This is a huge red flag and you shouldn't ignore it.

Link to comment

I wrote the apology note, and only apologized for what I felt I did wrong. I made him feel like his privacy was violated. I'm not interested in ending it just yet. We've been together just a few months (3ish). He's done the whole falling asleep thing before, and I usually hang out with his brother(we're good friends) or someone else, or get on the computer. He has a busy schedule and usually when I'm over we go with one car for carpooling's sake, so I can't go home when he goes to sleep.

 

I think another issue is that he tells me sleeping together is really important to him, (he begs me to spend the night all the time) and I really was not tired and if I would've lied with him yesterday i would've just sat there with my eyes open. I also had caffeine so I couldn't sit still and figured I'd bug him less if I found something else to do. He seemed upset that I wasn't in bed with him when he woke up (he fell asleep with me in bed). Instead I was chatting up with his brother, and he was upset about something we talked about, although I think he must've misheard because nothing we talked about was upsetting, we were just discussing music and joking around.

 

Here's a snippet of the apology note: "I don't remember closing any tabs, but maybe I did by accident; I wasn't careful and I know that isn't right or fair to you. It's probably for the best that I don't access your computer. I probably wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone accessing mine at all, so you gave me much more freedom than you had to." I also said I felt no need to invade his privacy and if there was something going on that I should be worried about I'd trust that he'd tell me. I honestly am not the snooping around type and I'm just not interested in things getting messy. If he really does have feelings for someone else, it will show up sooner or later without me having to compromise my principles.

 

It's a fine line between tolerating flaws and working on issues and not putting up with it and breaking it off. Once it crosses that line, I AM strong enough to break it off with him. He did apologize for calling me a liar. I guess it all depends on how today and the rest of the weekend goes.

 

I absolutely abhor feeling like the bad guy and losing computer privileges. But I'm willing to work past that. I'm positive and proactive about my relationships until the day it's officially over, then I do a 360 and focus on myself. So we will see.

 

Also : I do not let him see ANYTHING of mine. I am really anal about my privacy. Before he got upset I closed my Gvoice (texting) window quickly in a sort of secretive manner. I don't have anything to hide I just don't like anyone reading my texts. Maybe this got him upset and decided to backfire on me? He does seem immature enough to do that. His reasons for getting upset are sketchy, that's why I think there's more to the story, either the not falling asleep with him or hiding my tabs really quickly got to him.

Link to comment
PLEASE for your own sake keep your eyes open. You can't just let him walk all over you. Everybody in the whole forum is saying the same thing.

 

I really am listening. It's hard ... how do you know know exactly the right time to break it off and when it's still worth working for?

 

This is pretty rare behavior for him, he is in general pretty dominant, but he doesn't call me names, and in fact is very rarely angry with me.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...