Lovelavie Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 So I have started a relationship with a guy who I consider my best friend. We have known each other for a long time, been through a lot, he knows me better than most people and vice versa. I made another thread about how I didn't want a relationship with him, and one of the main things was because of this situation where he doesn't want to work. I ended falling for him and I do love him, he's a beautiful soul and we get along really well. He makes me feel safe, I adore being around him, but I can't take him seriously. I'm 25 years old, I'm not a kid anymore, I want to move in together, get married and maybe have children later on. I want to build a life on my own without depending on my parents. And even though I know that he genuinely likes me, hell in 25 years he's the only guy that I feel that truly loves me, I just can't have something with someone based on just feelings. I'm unhappy with my job, and I want to change a little bit what I work with, and I've started looking for other places this week and I've already gone to one interview, and received two others. I get out of work earlier so I can go to the interview, I work my a** off, work on Saturdays and holidays and I was so unhappy with my job that I considered quitting but I don't want to quit before I find something else. I have goals, I want to be independent financially, I want to have my own things, I work really hard for this. Now I'm not saying he has to be workaholic, even I'm not, but he's the complete opposite. I get so upset when I find myself waking up 6 a.m. everyday, getting late home, and him waking up ate 12 p.m., going out to drink almost everyday, never has money for anything and talks about work as if it's some disease. He's almost 27 for christ's sakes. He is a lovely person, best person I've ever had in the means of treating me like a princess and treating others also. So respectful and nice, but how can I have a relationship with this guy? I've talked to him so many times about this, he says he's going after jobs, but deep down I know he has no ambition. His mom has a great resposibility for him being like this. He's not rich where he can just give himself the luxury to not work. He's made me pay a lot of time things for him and then I realized I was paying not because something happened, but simply for the fact that he doesn't want to work!! This has lead to a lot of fights and insecurity on my part because at any given time he can just not have money for something we planned to do, and either I'd have to pay for him, or we won't do it. Like seriously, I want to be able to go to a nice restaraunt, or go on a nice trip, not have to be staying home because he never has money. Seriously, I love him, I want the best for him, and I really wish we could work it out together... but I'm a woman, not a teen anymore that it's ok to not want to work. I'm just upset, I used to get angry... but now I'm just sad. I feel like this will never change. I keep asking myself if I'm wrong to feel this way, if I'm being futile, but I don't care anymore, I feel like this and I've decided to respect my feelings. I really don't know how to proceed with this. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 He sounds like a great friend, but not any sort of partner if you want the house marriage kids, etc. Who supports him now? His alcohol habit and laziness really do not compensate for being "a beautiful soul", if he is a sloth and a mooch. This inertia and entitlement would continue if you go further. The beautiful soul thing would get very ugly very fast if he's sleeping until noon, out drinking daily and you are working several jobs and supporting him. Link to comment
Lovelavie Posted January 10, 2019 Author Share Posted January 10, 2019 He's mom and dad support him. But his mom has always spoilt him, and they have an account together. Like, he doesn't even have his own bank account with his own money. I have tried talking to him about this but I'm seriously starting to think that he won't change... sad, we could really have something good together. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Why should he change? He has a sweet deal. And apparently building a life with you is less important to him than being able to sleep until noon and booze it up all afternoon. It's easy to be a "beautiful soul" when you have zero responsibilities. Link to comment
maew Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Ugh... he might be a nice guy but this would be so unattractive to me! This guy is 27 and has zero ambition, is living off of his mother (gross!), and is making you pay for things... this is not a man in my eyes, it's a child that needs to do some growing up. Yea he is treating you like a princess... Cinderella before she meets her fairy godmother comes to mind. Slaving over the hearth for the benefit of her nasty step family... while they sit back and pretend they are living in the lap of luxury... not my idea of a good time! OP there is nothing wrong with you wanting a partner that is your equal and is willing to work as hard as you are. This isn't about money as much as it is about being with someone that is on the same page as you in life.. that is willing to hustle for what they want... because at the end of the day, this is what builds character, resiliency and strength in people. Unfortunately it sounds like your current partner is not (and probably never will be) that guy unless his parents stop enabling him. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 You knew before you started this thread what the answer is because you already told us. He has no ambition, no drive, is selfish, spoiled, doesn't respect himself or you. Do you seriously think he would make even a mediocre father? He has already shown he is a terrible partner. You are already starting to resent him so what happens when their are children involved? a mortgage? You spent part of your post defending him as a great guy that treats you well. I don't see that but I can tell you it is really easy to be carefree and have a good soul when you don't have to work for the things you get and mommy and daddy pay your way. You are dating a child in a mans body, time to end this before it ruins your friendship. Tell him you have decided it is best that you are just friends with no romantic entanglements so you both can find the right person. Love is a part of a good relationship but it cannot sustain it through his kind of laziness and selfishness. Lost Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 He's mom and dad support him. But his mom has always spoilt him, and they have an account together. Like, he doesn't even have his own bank account with his own money. I have tried talking to him about this but I'm seriously starting to think that he won't change... sad, we could really have something good together. Then stop assuming that he doesn't know better and accept that what you see if exactly what you get. He is a manchild and has no reason on earth to actually get off his rear and support himself, let alone take on a family to support. He is also a shameless user and you are a sucker paying for him. He will live off his parents forever and some day will find some woman who is rich and will take on supporting and mommying him too and that's his life plan. I wouldn't say that he is lacking ambition, he is actually smarter and way more manipulative than you realize. Link to comment
Andrina Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Nagging someone to be who they are not never works. Always look at what's happening in the present, and expect the same for a lifetime, as wishing for something different is a fantasy that will rarely turn into anything else. You should have a must-have and dealbreaker list for making one of the most important decisions of your life, and stick to it. And yes, a poor work ethic should be on your dealbreaker list. He might've made a great friend, but of course, that doesn't always translate into a great romantic partner. Being charming is the only thing he has to offer. It's not enough. And now that you've crossed the boundary from friendship to being intimate with him, it won't be in your best interest to continue that friendship. You future bf, if he has any self worth, won't accept you staying in contact with a man you had sex with and continue to share a close bond with. Time to make some major changes in your life for your own good, although it will initially be quite painful for a good long time. You will eventually heal, however, and being single will be give you the opportunity to find a man who meets ALL of your main needs. Take care. Link to comment
thisisrichey Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Rule 1: you can't change people. Nor is it APPROPRIATE for you to try and change people. If they come to you for advice and tell you they want to change - that's a different thing. but it's not in YOUR jurisdiction to tell him how he should live. He's an adult and we ALL have the right to choose the way we live. What's right for Person A, doens't mean it's right for Person B. SO LET GO of this idea that you need and can change him. (After all, we would never like any potential lover of ours tell us we're great "except" for these few things they want to chnage about us (regardless of what that change is). Rule 2: if you have a definite deal breaker and the other person doesn't meet it - than you shouldn't be with them. In this case your deal breaker is somebody how works and has some ambition and income. This is not him. Time to cut it off and find somebody that fits your needs more. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 treating me like a princess...He's made me pay a lot of time things for him...he never has money. Um...so what is your definition of being treated like a princess? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD - stop putting up with a deadbeat...unless you enjoy a life of chasing some deadbeat for child support Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 He is a loser! This is who he is! He is an adult and you cant blame mommy. If he had any respect or love for you, he would act like an adult. i don't know how you can feel safe when you have to financially support this parasite! He would be a disaster as a father! He is an alcoholic , too! Where is your self worth? Why has this been OK for you? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 He sounds like a great friend, but not any sort of partner if you want the house marriage kids, etc. Who supports him now? His alcohol habit and laziness really do not compensate for being "a beautiful soul", if he is a sloth and a mooch. This inertia and entitlement would continue if you go further. The beautiful soul thing would get very ugly very fast if he's sleeping until noon, out drinking daily and you are working several jobs and supporting him. Hey, sloths are cute. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Let me give you a quick example from my own life. A zillion years ago when I was a teenager I had a part time job at an amusement park. There was this kid named Mike who also worked there. He took the bus to work, which was nothing that unusual as I often took the bus to work as well. But he took the bus because his parents were opposed to him having a job. They told him they would give him all the money he wanted to do things with his friends, buy clothes and CDs, whatever he wanted. And that if he went ahead and took the job they would not allow him to use the car they'd bought for him and they would not give him any more spending money. And he reacted by taking the job ANYWAY, and riding the bus to work. He was SIXTEEN and already did not want his parents supplying him with spending money. He said he could have never respected himself if he were going to his parents for money every time he wanted to go to a movie or buy a pair of shoes. He wanted to provide those things for himself. Your "boyfriend" on the other hand seems to have no such qualms. He seems content to let Mommy support him while he sleeps and gets his booze on, and to let you buy him dinner and (I presume) other things. I wonder what he thinks will happen when Mommy passes away and he has zero job experience. I suppose he thinks he'll have either you or some other woman to be his sugar mama. If that appeals to you, carry on. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Choosing a partner is based on a combination of several factors. Granted, you get along well, there is attraction and affection. But just as important is the need for similar life goals and values. Sometimes it's even more important because when the luster wears off you are left with someone who's life is not in alignment with yours. This is one of those moments in life where you need to think with your head and not just your heart. You can continue to love him and think he's a lovely person, but at the same time recognize that you two are ultimately not compatible. Not for the long haul. It would be foolish to wait around for him to change. From what you've shared it sounds as if his lifestyle has been reinforced and he is rewarded for it. Trying to change it would be pointless. Save yourself the heartache and frustration. Link to comment
Lovelavie Posted January 10, 2019 Author Share Posted January 10, 2019 Let me give you a quick example from my own life. A zillion years ago when I was a teenager I had a part time job at an amusement park. There was this kid named Mike who also worked there. He took the bus to work, which was nothing that unusual as I often took the bus to work as well. But he took the bus because his parents were opposed to him having a job. They told him they would give him all the money he wanted to do things with his friends, buy clothes and CDs, whatever he wanted. And that if he went ahead and took the job they would not allow him to use the car they'd bought for him and they would not give him any more spending money. And he reacted by taking the job ANYWAY, and riding the bus to work. He was SIXTEEN and already did not want his parents supplying him with spending money. He said he could have never respected himself if he were going to his parents for money every time he wanted to go to a movie or buy a pair of shoes. He wanted to provide those things for himself. Your "boyfriend" on the other hand seems to have no such qualms. He seems content to let Mommy support him while he sleeps and gets his booze on, and to let you buy him dinner and (I presume) other things. I wonder what he thinks will happen when Mommy passes away and he has zero job experience. I suppose he thinks he'll have either you or some other woman to be his sugar mama. If that appeals to you, carry on. Thank you for this story, seriously opens my eyes, there really is no excuse. I've tried to "see his side" but I just can't understand... Really if you want something out of your life you'll work for it. Link to comment
Lovelavie Posted January 10, 2019 Author Share Posted January 10, 2019 I talked to him, he sent a bunch of audios, saying how he loves me, how he's changed, how I make a difference in his life. And indeed I know that is true, but still, it isn't enough to take someone seriously. Like yeah, okay, you love me, but you have zero responsibility whatsoever... Breaks my heart to do this... but I've had enough... he has always been like this, people don't change :( Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Is this the same guy? "After 4 years we meet again, confused about what's going on Ok, long story short, I met a guy 4 years ago, fell deeply in love with him, in a way I never did with anyone. Not even my ex from last year, which was the only guy I ever loved made me feel this way initially. With this guy, it was instant, for some reason I fell hard for him. At the time we met, I had just ended a 3 year relationship because I no longer loved my ex. During the span of 9 months, we were on and off, because everytime he'd show up, I could never say no, and the next day he would disappear. This went on and on, I would get all my hopes up and then disappoint myself. After 9 months, I got tired of putting up with this nonsense and "broke up" with him. After a while I got in a relationship with someone else, and right after, he started messaging me. I ignored him during all these years because I was commited to someone else. I thought: Ok, now that I'm with someone else you want me? Well fast forward this month, I saw him in a bar near where we live (we live in the same condo, 2 min away), and he came up to me and we started talking. He apologized for making me feel bad in the past, that he was afraid of getting involved because I had just gotten out of a relationship, that he did actually like me but was afraid of me getting back with my ex and him getting hurt. I told him my version and we both apologized. He told he should've never let me go, that I was amazing and that he wanted to go out with me again and see how things go this time. Well, few days later we started talking and he asked me out. We went for a drink, talked, laughed, kissed and he was more amazing than ever. That day on the bar, everything came back. I thought I was over him, for years I didn't even think of him the same way, nor cared about what he was doing, and all of sudden all I wanted was him again. The night was amazing, he was so sweet to me, and on the way home he said he wished the night lasted longer and that he wanted to see me this week still. He even made a joke saying "ok, see you in 3 months" making a reference to when that happened between us. I got out of the car almost jumping of happiness thinking "ok, this time nothing can get in our way"... well, he disappeared again. He sent me a text the next day saying he was hungover and that was all. No texts, no asking anything... I feel so stupid and confused. Why did he say all that if he wanted nothing? Why after 4 years we meet again and he apologizes and asks me out again only to do the same thing all over again? This time, I'm not "just out of a relationship" so what's the excuse? I don't mind us never going out again, I just don't understand why say all those things like he's really interested, go to all this trouble knowing that we had a confusing past only to end in nothing again. All I wanted was him, I wish I didn't, but all I think about is being with him again." Link to comment
Lovelavie Posted January 10, 2019 Author Share Posted January 10, 2019 Is this the same guy? [/b] Nooo!! this one is out of my life good lol This one is really dear to me, he is a good friend, and I care a lot about him. It breaks my heart to do this, but I've been through enough, I want something easy going. There will always be issues, but not like this... I don't know, I feel upset, but I know I can't change him Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 I wonder if you'd "hoped" that he loved you enough to "change". But, going into a relationship where you know the only way for it to work is for one of you to "change" is always a bad idea, as you've found out. You can still care about him but planning a future with him would be a mistake. He's comfortable with his life the way it is now. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Nooo!! this one is out of my life good lol This one is really dear to me, he is a good friend, and I care a lot about him. It breaks my heart to do this, but I've been through enough, I want something easy going. There will always be issues, but not like this... I don't know, I feel upset, but I know I can't change him He will continue to sponge off of people for his entire life. Please cut all contact with this guy, or you will not move on. I also suggest you address your dating history. You have a pattern of choosing very bad partners. Understand why you do not believe you deserve better men. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 I agree with all the others. He needs professional intervention and will need that once parents cut the purse strings either by choice or necessity. You need someone who is compatible with you as far as ambition and work ethic. It's crucial! Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Hey this isn't goodbye forever. Once you start dating some great new guy and some time has passed maybe you could still be friends, that is of course if your new beau is cool with that. You are doing the right thing for you and he thinks he is doing the right thing for himself. Different paths is all. Lost Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 How exactly is he treating you like a princess when he watches you work all the time while he lounges around and does...what, exactly? In my books, treating me like a princess would also entail pulling one's weight in the partnership and actively working with me to build the life we envision together. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 How exactly is he treating you like a princess when he watches you work all the time while he lounges around and does...what, exactly? In my books, treating me like a princess would also entail pulling one's weight in the partnership and actively working with me to build the life we envision together. Not to mention MAKING her pay when they go out. Cinderella is right. OP, you do all the work (literally) and he gets all the benefits. And all he has to do is send a coup!e of audio messages after he drags himself out of bed at noon. Link to comment
Keyman Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 You can't force someone to change just because you want them to. You have made the choice to work hard, to do everything you can to get ahead, because that is what you want. He, on the other hand, has made the choice to not do that, to not work and do as he pleases in his own way. And if that is what he wants to do, then good on him. So, you are two different people with two different lifestyles at opposite ends of the spectrum. You decision on this is: Is he suitable for the lifestyle I choose to live? Yes or No. Yes, then just go with it. No, move on. What you do not have is the right to force him to change to meet some ideal you hold, or even to abuse, shame or whatever him because he does not live up to want you want. If he is not suitable go find someone that is. Link to comment
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