Not the love of my husband's life?

[jane778]

Hello, first time posting.. I have been married for almost a year. I am in my early 30s, husband is 40. We are are already expecting our first baby this winter. I love my husband and I know he loves me but I feel his ex (and first girlfriend who he was almost engaged to and only other serious relationship he's had besides me) was the love of his life. They were both 33 when they started dating and it lasted 2.5 years. I trust him and they haven't talked since before we got together so I am not worried about her being in his life. But I feel deep down that he will always love her more, that what they had was more passionate that what we have.

 

During our recent move, I found a letter he had written to her. They had talked about getting married but he had a lot of hesitation because she was not Christian, his family and friends were against it, and they would often have very heated arguments. They broke up because they got the ring but he couldn't get himself to propose. Well, in the letter, he said here is a gift (custom engagement ring) no strings attached but that he knows now he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, that he will never love anyone more etc. That she can keep the ring (which was cost double what mine is btw) and he doesn't expect to hear from her - that he will take that as a sign she's found happiness which is good enough. I've also found poems he wrote to her, picture folders of her and a file folder dedicated to her on his old computer but he has never done that or had those things for me. He gifted her so many nice things but he never spent that much on me. Granted she picked those items out and I am not into brand name items.. I also found a video on his old laptop just kissing her for an extended time. I can't even remember the last time we just sat there and kissed.

 

All of those things with his ex happened before my husband and I met. I just feel so lost, heartbroken, insecure, guilty for digging through his stuff, and completely selfish for being sad when I should be elated for my baby that is on the way. I don't know how to resolve the issue.. I've talked to him but haven't gone into detail yet about the things I've found on his computer. He says he loves me more than anything that he has never been happier. Any advice will be appreciated.

[chitown9]

He says he loves me more than anything that he has never been happier.

 

This is all you need to know. Write it on a piece of paper and put it on the mirror in your bathroom. chi

[Jibralta]

Wow, you really gutted yourself by going through all of those things. Advice: maybe don't do that anymore. You trust your husband, so there's not reason to snoop (unless you like hurting yourself).

[jane778]

I trust that he would not physically cheat on me. I just want to feel like I'm the love of his life...

[Jibralta]

Then you need to realize there's a future in front of you. The past is done, and it can't be changed. You are ONLY hurting yourself by dwelling on it.

[SherrySher]

You need to STOP obsessing about his ex and comparing and assuming how he felt about her and how he feel's about you. It is all speculation and you will never know, nor does it matter.

 

You are his wife, you and he created a life and a child together (something she and he will never have). He told you he loves you and has never been happier.

 

Real love that lasts is not about it being like it was in the beginning, you build something even stronger with someone than that stuff. It's not about presents that are materialistic and again, don't mean anything at the end of the day.

It's about finding someone who wants to go through the good, bad and even ugly and is your best friend and still wants to be with you at the end of the day.

 

It's building a life together and going through life together.

What you two have is very special, more special that what you described with his ex.

And don't forget that his ex is his ex for a reason, the right connections just were not there.

I know it's hard to not feel jealousy or worry about the past, but you need to stop.

 

He is with you, he chose you, you two will be raising your baby together, which will be an incredible journey.

All you need to do now is focus on your life together, let go of the past...that's gone and is going to stay gone.

You don't need to compare anything, ever. He shows you every single day who he wants, and it's you.

[jane778]

Thank you. I realize I'm obsessing but I just can't help it ugh. I don't think the pregnancy is helping with all the hormones going on. Going to try to let it go.

[Clio]

Had she really been the life of his life, they would not have broken up. He chose you to spend the rest of his life and have children with. That is huge. He chose you to be the love of the rest of his life. It doesn't get bigger than this. You need to let the past go. You are needlessly hurting yourself and your relationship.

[jane778]

Thank you. But my husband and I broke up once too - he felt we weren't progressing towards marriage and I felt I wasn't ready at the time since there were family and career issues going on at the time.. It just bothers me that he did try to marry her after their break up and had she taken him back, he might have been with her.

[SherrySher]

That's not what fate had in store, fate had you and him together. That's what you need to concentrate on.

[Cyhiraeth]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

 

Have you heard of the Cherokee parable of Two Wolves?

 

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

”It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity,guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace,love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity,truth, compassion, and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

 

 

This always helps me when I realize I'm focusing my thoughts on things I know I shouldn't be. Choose what you feed.

 

*Big Hugs*

[Seraphim]

Having a BABY with YOU goes beyond former love and metal and stones.

[tattoobunnie]

I've seen the pics of the girl my hubby dated (who was my friend btw) for 2.5 years, while we had only dated 4 months at a time. And I've read the sexy letters she sent, and heard my MIL tell me he called her the love of his life. But this is way long before he and I ever got back together. We are happily married with two kids.

 

I have spent tons of money on old boyfriends, and same with him, and you know what, elaborate gifts I have learned in time are really just a means of control and feeling insecure in the relationship. It has nothing to do with how strong you are as a unit.

 

And we both know that even though we've said to others they were the love of their life, this was before we got back together, so you know, don't get hung up on the past. Look at him. Look, at your future. Make the most of it.

 

And when in doubt, always remember, he chose you to marry, and did marry you.

 

I have been proposed to a few times, but could only ever picture and want to marry my hubby.

 

Go out tonight, and have the best time, and make wild love. Cuz, you know what, that's what you need to remember why you are together.

[Liraele]

She might have been the "love of his life" ... at the time. Just because someone had a great love and that love looks different than the one you have doesn't mean it's better.

 

Stop torturing yourself. He married you. He wants a future and babies with you. That's going to need to be enough.

[shessofly]

So... heated arguments, mismatched values, couldn't bring himself to propose.

 

Many people who come to this site after breaking up think they've lost "the one". Time passes, they heal and live to love again. I wouldn't take this too personally, and I would not snoop anymore. So what if his actions aren't an exact replica of what he did with/for his ex? Then you might say but he did x,y,z for her and he's doing it with me too! Does he really mean it? I tend not to repeat exact actions I took with exes. New person, new relationship, new memories, new way of showing love.

 

He says he loves you. Your post doesn't indicate that he's anything other than a good husband. Take his word for it. That other lady is in the past. He didn't marry her. Couldn't even bring himself to propose. So during a breakup he got dramatic - he bought an expensive ring and wrote poetry...Still, it didn't work out. He met you. He proposed without hesitation. He married you. You're having a baby. Forget about her. Enjoy your husband.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you. But my husband and I broke up once too - he felt we weren't progressing towards marriage and I felt I wasn't ready at the time since there were family and career issues going on at the time.. It just bothers me that he did try to marry her after their break up and had she taken him back, he might have been with her.

 

It sounds like your husband had a dream and really wanted to be a husband and father for a long time. And that's not a knock to your marriage , I'm simply saying it sounds like it was more about his enthusiasm for marriage and children than that he loved her more than you. He wanted a family - now he has that with you.

 

I bet he is telling the truth about being happy now.