What should I do?

[rose2summer]

Getting stood up: My boyfriend went to a wedding last night. We planned to go to brunch with my parents as we always do at 10:30am on Sundays. I tried calling and texting twice to see when he was coming but no response.

 

At 10:18am, I run to the ATM around the block to get cash with plans to be back at 10:25am.

 

At 10:18am I get this message:

I stopped by your house...your not there. Have a great day

 

I wrote him back immediately saying I'll be there in 1 minute (I still wasn't late). No response after calling twice and texting then I get this message at 11:22am:

 

I tossed my phone after I texted you because I was quite upset. Had no clue you called and texted twice. I'm home now and not coming back. I'm not going to spend another 2 hours (round trip) on driving out there. I have too much going on to waste my time. Enjoy your parents

 

I feel stood up? This isn't the first time this has happened recently.

 

I wrote him I'm unsure about things after this and he replied:

On another note, if after almost a year you're not sure about things, that says a lot. I don't have time to waste.

 

What should I do?

[Starlight925]

How long have you been dating? You say "almost a year". So is this a different guy from any other guy you've written previously about?

 

In any event, this is a strange situation. You say that you texted and called twice, but he "had no clue". How does he have no clue?

 

It sounds to me like he's using this situation to work himself up and get ticked off. Like, you weren't there that second, so he goes home and "punishes" you.

 

Quite immature of him.

[rose2summer]

It's one year in like a week. I had written about him before here. That's what I don't understand how he had no clue. It seems manipulative. I feel sad and embarrassed. It's hard to explain to my parents who also felt stood up.

[SweetGirl28]

It's one year in like a week. I had written about him before here. That's what I don't understand how he had no clue. It seems manipulative. I feel sad and embarrassed. It's hard to explain to my parents who also felt stood up.

 

Could it be that he had a very late night, or a massive hangover, and was highly irritable?

 

I'd give him a day or two to calm down. Something bigger was on his mind than you not being there.

Try reaching out then. You don't owe him anything though. If he continues to be rude, go silent on him.

[ballerinababe]

How could he have "no clue" you texted when he texted you thereafter? He would have seen the text when he went to text you. It seems obvious he wanted an excuse to get out of the brunch. He is treating you very rudely and seems dead set on starting a fight and pushing you away. I think he is checked out of the relationship.

 

If I were in that situation I would just text back, "It seems you are looking for reasons to move on from this relationship so I bid you good bye. I don't have time to waste with people who treat me with disrespect. Good luck with your future endeavors."

[MissCanuck]

He was looking for a fight and never had any intention of joining you and your parents for brunch, in my opinion. I don't buy for a moment that he didn't realize you'd called and messaged him trying to find out where he was; how could he not realize that when he used the same phone to message you? He's full of equine manure. He knows you tried to contact him, obviously.

 

You say this ins't the first time this has happened - what's the backstory here?

 

EDIT: I read your previous threads. This is the same guy who never really made time for, and randomly dumped you not that long ago?

[rose2summer]

Wednesday and Friday we were supposed to see each other. Wednesday night he said he was going to eat with his parents instead and cancelled. Friday night he said he was working late and cancelled.

 

Yes, he was the same guy who wasn't making time for me in the past and left me in May, we got back together. Things got a lot better, we were seriously talking marriage then this past week, it suddenly crashed. I'm not quite sure why. Last time we saw each other was over a week ago and he's flying out of the area tomorrow for work.

[MissCanuck]

I think it's safe to say he wanted to end your relationship again and picked this fight to make his exit, blaming you.

[SweetGirl28]

Ouch. I too just read back on your previous posts.

He wants out. Please let him go, for your own sanity.

You deserve so much better

[katrina1980]

Agree he wants out, but OP based on this thread, your behavior isn't the best either.

 

So he drives two hours to/from your house to have brunch with you and your parents every Sunday?

 

I can't imagine this is much fun for him, he's doing it to please you, which is admirable.

 

Okay you texted twice but he was driving and couldn't respond, quite understandable.

 

When you left to go to ATM why didn't you leave note on door or text him letting him know where you were going and would be right back?

 

He gets to your house, you're not there, what is he supposed to think?

 

After driving an hour, frankly, I don't blame him for being pissed off.

 

As if that's not bad enough you then expect him to drive all the way back? Two hour drive round trip. To have brunch with your parents?

 

And because he refused (understandable under the circumstances), YOU feel stood up? What the *.

 

I haven't read your past threads, but if he wants out, there is a reason.

 

Just from this thread, you sound quite demanding and controlling, and he's reached his breaking point.

 

At the very least, I think you need to apologize for your role in the miscommunication.

 

You may also want to consider loosening the leash a little bit.

[melancholy123]

If I spent an hour driving to someone's house and they were not home I'd wait for a bit before leaving. I'd give the person 10 mins or so to return. I'd try calling and texting before leaving their house to go back home. I think he was spoiling for a fight and was not in a good mood to begin with. If he keeps doing this you need to rethink this relationship.

[katrina1980]

If I spent an hour driving to someone's house and they were not home I'd wait for a bit before leaving. I'd give the person 10 mins or so to return. I'd try calling and texting before leaving their house to go back home. I think he was spoiling for a fight and was not in a good mood to begin with. If he keeps doing this you need to rethink this relationship.

 

I would wait too, assuming everything else was going well. It doesn't sound like they are, and have not been for a very long time.

 

Remember, we are only hearing OP's side.

 

It takes two.

 

Neither one sounds happy at all, and they both could have handled situation better in my opinion.

[MissCanuck]

If I spent an hour driving to someone's house and they were not home I'd wait for a bit before leaving. I'd give the person 10 mins or so to return. I'd try calling and texting before leaving their house to go back home. I think he was spoiling for a fight and was not in a good mood to begin with. If he keeps doing this you need to rethink this relationship.

 

Exactly.

 

Given that this guy has already randomly broken up with before, I would bet any money he was looking for an out again and thus didn't bother to wait even 5 minutes for her to return.

[katrina1980]

Exactly.

 

Given that this guy has already randomly broken up with before, I would bet any money he was looking for an out again and thus didn't bother to wait even 5 minutes for her to return.

 

Well, if she had bothered to leave a note or sent a text letting him know she'd be right back, perhaps things would have turned out differently.

 

It's called showing consideration for your bf's time. And not expecting him to be a mind-reader and know that she just stepped out for ten minutes. Or jumping through hoops texting her trying to track her down..

 

But as usual, it's all the guy's fault.

 

HE was looking to pick a fight, HE is looking for an out, etc.

 

It takes TWO.

[annie24]

Hi Rose - Good to see you again, sorry it's for a crappy reason! This guy is totally itching for a fight. You know what - good riddance. If he just turns around and goes back home and doesn't even wait 1 minute to see what's going on, bye. I was invited to a birthday party and was sitting outside the door for 15 minutes. It turned out that I was the first one there and the hosts got the time mixed up and thought that the party started half an hour later than what it said on the evite and their doorbell was broken. I felt dumb sitting on their doorstep for 15 minutes, sure, but I also knew that they weren't messing with me. In fact, I was starting to get a little worried about them if they were hurt or something, and that's why they didn't answer their door!

[reinventmyself]

If I made the drive to my bfs house and he wasnt there Id give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it's for good and simple reason.

Why assume the worst unless you're looking for it?

 

His reaction is disproportionate to the moment. The fact that he refused your calls is ridiculous.

Seeing this dynamic is a pattern, I'd break it.

Don't call him.

You have nothing more to explain.

[Pleasedonot5]

OP, to echo everyone else, this guy was looking to fight with you. A normal person would have sent a text or called you, not just turned around to waste another hour of gas. I almost doubt he arrived at your house in the first place.

 

He keeps talking about how valuable his time is, well yours is too, and frankly, he's wasting and disrespecting your time in this relationship.

[katrina1980]

I think whatever is happening in this relationship, i.e. him becoming so pissed off and leaving, itching for a fight, OP feeling "stood up," etc. goes far deeper than just this one incident.

 

Far deeper.

 

I still think OP should have left note saying she'd be right back or sent text, but I do agree this RL is probably done and best for OP to walk away.

[MissCanuck]

I think whatever is happening in this relationship, i.e. him becoming so pissed off and leaving, itching for a fight, OP feeling "stood up," etc. goes far deeper than just this one incident.

 

Far deeper.

 

I still think OP should have left note saying she'd be right back or sent text, but I do agree this RL is probably done and best for OP to walk away.

 

She had tried to contact him several times that morning already. He claims he "didn't realize" that, not that he was driving and couldn't respond. When he messaged, she returned his message and said she was coming right back. So he just turned around and left after driving all the way there? No. I'm sorry, but I don't see how OP dropped the ball there. I have to disagree with you on that point, Katrina. Most rational-minded people would not have gone to all the trouble of driving there, and then immediately turned around and gone home rather than try to call her and let her know, 1) he saw she had been trying to reach him, and 2) where was she? He did neither of those and instead threw a hissy fit and took off. Come on, now.

 

You accused OP earlier of being controlling and demanding here, but I don't see it. Not in this episode.

 

I do agree there are far deeper problems between these two, and her past threads indicate as much. But I maintain that he was being rude and already in a terrible mood and looking for a fight.

[Sportster2005]

Wednesday and Friday we were supposed to see each other. Wednesday night he said he was going to eat with his parents instead and cancelled. Friday night he said he was working late and cancelled.

 

Yes, he was the same guy who wasn't making time for me in the past and left me in May, we got back together. Things got a lot better, we were seriously talking marriage then this past week, it suddenly crashed. I'm not quite sure why. Last time we saw each other was over a week ago and he's flying out of the area tomorrow for work.

 

His behaviour says it all. He's not making time for you. You're simply not a priority.

[rose2summer]

Thanks so much everyone this advice has been an amazing! We talked for 2.5 hours yesterday and came to the conclusion to try to work on things as a once and final, but then I found myself upset because he mentioned I have been gaining weight since we've been together and it bothers him. I've gained 6 lbs this year and have been dieting and exercising to lose it. I felt body shamed in a way since it came up during a fight. He's quite a metrosexual male, works out a lot, very attractive but I would rather have brains than body.

[katrina1980]

She had tried to contact him several times that morning already. He claims he "didn't realize" that, not that he was driving and couldn't respond. When he messaged, she returned his message and said she was coming right back. So he just turned around and left after driving all the way there? No. I'm sorry, but I don't see how OP dropped the ball there. I have to disagree with you on that point, Katrina. Most rational-minded people would not have gone to all the trouble of driving there, and then immediately turned around and gone home rather than try to call her and let her know, 1) he saw she had been trying to reach him, and 2) where was she? He did neither of those and instead threw a hissy fit and took off. Come on, now.

 

You accused OP earlier of being controlling and demanding here, but I don't see it. Not in this episode.

 

I do agree there are far deeper problems between these two, and her past threads indicate as much. But I maintain that he was being rude and already in a terrible mood and looking for a fight.

 

The way I read it (and I could have read it incorrectly), she contacted him twice to find out when he was coming, she did not text to let him know that she would be stepping out for a few minutes, in case he showed up while she was gone.

 

This wasn't a random brunch, it was a weekly thing so she must have known there was a possibility he might have arrived while she was gone.

 

That is what I would have done, or left a note, out of consideration and courtesy so he would not be wondering where I was. Even though he had not answered earlier texts. He could have been driving or doing whatever, I don't always answer texts right away either.

 

He DID make the effort to drive all that way after all, if he was itching for a fight, why would he have done that? He would have just not shown up at all.

 

Which is why he said he was pissed off, she showed no consideration for him or his time. Just expected him to wait there wondering where the hell she was or text HER tracking her down. I sense this wasn't the first time, and it had been building until he just had enough, got mad and left. I could be wrong, again just what I am sensing.

 

All that would have been alleviated had she left a simple note or texted letting him know she'd be right back. Might have made the world of difference to him. Or maybe not, but we will never know.

 

But you know what? I agree, he could have waited and if he was happy in this RL, and with her, he probably would have.

 

In turn, had OP been happy, she might have thought to leave a note or texted letting him know she stepped out and would be right back. He would have read it when he got there.

 

I am just trying to see both sides of the situation here, that's all. I am trying to get away from placing all the blame on one, because in many cases, it takes two people to cause this type of miscommunication and dysfunction. JMO.

 

As I said, and again just my opinion, but they both could have handled better.

 

I called her demanding because of her expectation that he drive back another two hours to attend brunch with her parents, and feeling pissed off, wronged, and stood up because he didn't.

 

All that said, I did have a chance to glance at past threads. I sense two people who absolutely should NOT be together.

 

Not sure why OP is holding on to this, or why he is either for that matter since it's clear he doesn't give a *, this RL is DONE and should have been DONE a very long time ago.

[Miggeep]

To me it seems like there is a part of him that doesn’t want you having someone else or forgetting him, but at the same time you are not priority right now. My opinion is if he wanted out of the relationship that bad he’d have left for good by now. It seems like he’s always looking on the other side. He’ll leave thinking he can do better, after a few months or weeks or having fun with his single friends he realises he misses his time with you and comes back. And right now he’s probably at the beginning stage of looking on the other side again.

[annie24]

---

6 lbs???? That’s what he’s pissed off about? What a jerk. I could understand if you said 25 or more, but I think getting on you for 6 pounds sounds like he is really a shallow jerk. My weight fluctuates like 5 pounds depending on the time of day and if I had a salty meal the night before.

[Honeycomb8]

He's an arse and he needs to be dumped. I don't understand why you're allowing him to treat you with such disrespect.