Need some relationship advice as i'm going nuts.

[Riddler71]

Hey All,

 

It is not normal in for me to pose questions on forums but thought to give it a shot.

I'm a guy (37) living in Europe. I have my own company and control my own life.

 

4 years ago I started a relationship with a girl 30y . Just to put things in context; She works in her mother's company and has a very close relationship with her mother and sister.

 

Being an entrepreneur i like to plan things in my life and try to go forward. I moved in and gave up my previous apartment so we could be closer as she didn't want to move out.

As her place was 1/100th the size of my place i did not have an issue first but living in a tight space started to strain me (i know first world problems right?)

 

After a 2 years i told her that we should be looking into finding our own place. I even told her that i would be willing pay according to our income but at least we would no longer have interference and we would be building something together. But she always got stressed out when i brought up future plans (when related to financial aspects)

She's afraid to ask her mother. (Just to be clear that L. has always been deeply in love with me)

I spoke to her multiple times that she should try and really keep family out of private affairs but with every small issue the mother came involved.

 

I got along really well with the family and they accepted me as a family member. But being an only child myself i take care of myself and have my family on speed-dial.

So basically the mom controls all aspects of her life. She even lives above the mothers shop and partly pays for the rent of the building.

The mother (divorced) runs around with expensive clothes, travels a lot, buys fancy stuff) sleeps around and even once and a while takes care (buys clothes,...) of the kid of my girlfriends ex-partner.

Just because it's a cute kid. And i know she means well. But i did tell her this is something strange. And she should try and break free. The sister basically gets what she wishes for and my girlfriend works really hard in the family business and gets a very small paycheck. The bank will not even give her a loan for a small amount.

 

Time went on and after multiple times trying to plan our future i got frustrated and talking with other girls. and took a girl out without L. knowing.

L. found out and kicked me out of the house.

 

However, the first year before this i did find some inappropriate messages from one of her male friends and the fact of her being ok that the mother takes care of an ex boyfriends little kid.

As i had nowhere to stay i briefly moved in with a friend and focused on my work. I also took a girl to Paris just to have some companionship.

 

My then (ex) girlfriend shared all our personal issues with her family (mother, sister and even some of my close friends) and really made me look bad.

Some friends even took her side and i basically dropped them as she was getting all the support and they did not support me.

I'm not saying I did not make any mistakes (yes i lied) but i only talk with my very close friends and don't go around spreading my relationship information as i don't need confirmation.

 

After this period we made up for it and i said we should find a place. So i went and the week after found a place for us, she moved in. She did not want to sign any papers

as this was stressing her our but was commited to pay a small portion of the rent.

Balancing multiple businesses i even put in extra time to organise all the administration, payments, insurance while she just doesn't put in the effort. I was fine with that.

Things were looking good and even introduced her spoiled little sister to a business partner of mine and they hit it off.

 

Then 2 weeks ago she found out that during the time (when we split up)I did meetup with two girls. One of which she did ask about and i denied it. I did not want to hurt her!

She flipped out and hit me in my face. I know it was out of emotions but still.

 

I left the party and went home. But was welcomed by the sister (who yelled at me) and even my business partner (now sisters boyfriend) as she called them in.

She took her stuff and left. As she wants time. Personally i was happy she left at that moment as this stuff just is so petty.

 

The week after i found out she, her sister joined my business partner on roadtrip. I found it strange as he did not tell me about it. As i think from a loyalty perspective he could of. But understanding that my now ex needed some time as she was feeling bad i did not even bring it up. He did not even call me to ask how i wass.

 

It's like it is a circle that comes back. The whole family is angry with me. But i just feel like she just can not break lose.

I told her that i was even willing to finance a year of her looking for another job. But this just stresses her out.

 

Don't understand me wrong. The girl loves me deeply and she is a considerate person but there is something just really fkced up with her family.

 

Should i put in another effort or should i let it slide. Should i give her time so she can think about stuff?

Do you think it would ever change. Or am i then one with the issues? Or should i get our of dodge ;-)

 

Your opinion matters to me.

 

Thanks

 

J

[MissCanuck]

You need to be done with this relationship for good.

 

She is not independent from her family, and you cheated. Yes, you both have issues. Hers is a lack of independence and maturity, yours is a lack of boundaries with other girls (and I am referring to the one you took out while you two were together) There is too much toxicity here. I would cut ties, wish her well, and move on.

[JCSK]

My goodness, what a mess! You both have very different family dynamics which involves empathy and compromise from both sides. She does have some issues and seems quite invested in her family but you seem to have some serious control issues that I don't think you recognise - understandable as a business entrepreneur and only child. You mention quite casually these dalliances with other women but that is going to be very hard for your ex/partner (not quite clear on where you are right now) to suck that up. This is your biggest mistake. Whether she was in the right or wrong and no matter how her family have behaved, you stepping out and spending any time with any other women is going to be viewed as cheating (even if you're on a break). No one likes a cheater and that is why she has now curried all the favour and support of your friends and colleagues. She is committed to her family and their business and just because you have all these businesses and all this money you don't have a right to tell her what she should and shouldn't be doing. She is not your employee and this is her family! If she relies on you financially for a year, she will be totally dependent on you and she doesn't want that. Not every woman wants to be 'kept'. The mother in law may well have formed an attachment to your partner's ex's child and you have no right to tell her that she shouldn't buy him gifts and spend time with him if that is what she wishes to do. Then you get caught cheating (you took another woman out so regardless of what happened, you did cheat). Then you got caught and kicked out so you had an ego tantrum and took another woman to Paris (which just so happens to be a very romantic destination) and then wonder why she gets upset and the family are closing ranks. How does that show her you are committed to fixing your relationship? I personally wouldn't be able to cope with that and it would be a deal breaker. You also mention a few times that your partner loves you deeply but hold back on how you feel about her in your post. I think a bit of self awareness is necessary here. You went into this with your eyes open. She is close to her family and wishes to remain in the business, she had an ex with a child that the family wishes to remain in contact with. You can't just wade in and demand a family shake up which adheres to your needs better. You state that, 'I have suggested this' and 'I have suggested that' but if your partner is getting stressed out it means that you are pushing her towards something that she doesn't want to do. I'm sure you mean well and I don't mean to come across as harsh but it seems like you are trying to manage her and her family with the management skills that you use to control your businesses. If you want to remain in this relationship you need to calm down, stop trying to manage her, stop going out with other women when you don't get your own way and work on regaining her trust and ingratiating herself back into her family's good books. Also, if your friends and business partner have backed off then it means that they don't approve of your behaviour. You definitely need to spend some quality time together and work out how you both visualize your long term future. If they are poles apart, you have your answer. Good luck with it all.

[nutbrownhare]

From your post, you sound very determined and, yes, controlling. The latter is no bad thing when managing a business, however it has no place in a healthy adult relationship.

 

She is totally and inappropriately enmeshed with her family, and that's the way it's going to stay unless SHE decides otherwise. Rather than just getting frustrated when she doesn't do what you think she should do regarding your joint future, and punishing her by seeing other girls, look at the situation. She's totally enmeshed with her family. This is not someone who will be available to you in the way you wish. The whole situation is completely messed up, with people taking sides and engaging in the kind of drama which is more like a bad soap opera.

 

Step away from this, end the relationship in as nice a way as you can and use the time for self-reflection.

 

As a rule, relationships only really work if you can accept the other person EXACTLY the way they are, without needing to change anything or improve them in any way.

[Riddler71]

You need to be done with this relationship for good.

 

She is not independent from her family, and you cheated. Yes, you both have issues. Hers is a lack of independence and maturity, yours is a lack of boundaries with other girls (and I am referring to the one you took out while you two were together) There is too much toxicity here. I would cut ties, wish her well, and move on.

 

Well really appreciate the feedback and you're right. These are the issue we have. But on another note. Relationships end when you're the only one that is still trying.

I love the girl and think/know it is mutual. I have my demons and yes there is toxicity. True. I take responsibility. But from the moment i saw her on a picture i knew this is the woman i wanted to be with and will fight for it.

 

Maybe i was rather negative in my post. Anyhow thanks for your feedback. maybe i'm wrong and you're right. Wel' see :-)

 

All the best

[Riddler71]

bump bump bump

[Riddler71]

My goodness, what a mess! You both have very different family dynamics which involves empathy and compromise from both sides. She does have some issues and seems quite invested in her family but you seem to have some serious control issues that I don't think you recognise - understandable as a business entrepreneur and only child. You mention quite casually these dalliances with other women but that is going to be very hard for your ex/partner (not quite clear on where you are right now) to suck that up. This is your biggest mistake. Whether she was in the right or wrong and no matter how her family have behaved, you stepping out and spending any time with any other women is going to be viewed as cheating (even if you're on a break). No one likes a cheater and that is why she has now curried all the favour and support of your friends and colleagues. She is committed to her family and their business and just because you have all these businesses and all this money you don't have a right to tell her what she should and shouldn't be doing. She is not your employee and this is her family! If she relies on you financially for a year, she will be totally dependent on you and she doesn't want that. Not every woman wants to be 'kept'. The mother in law may well have formed an attachment to your partner's ex's child and you have no right to tell her that she shouldn't buy him gifts and spend time with him if that is what she wishes to do. Then you get caught cheating (you took another woman out so regardless of what happened, you did cheat). Then you got caught and kicked out so you had an ego tantrum and took another woman to Paris (which just so happens to be a very romantic destination) and then wonder why she gets upset and the family are closing ranks. How does that show her you are committed to fixing your relationship? I personally wouldn't be able to cope with that and it would be a deal breaker. You also mention a few times that your partner loves you deeply but hold back on how you feel about her in your post. I think a bit of self awareness is necessary here. You went into this with your eyes open. She is close to her family and wishes to remain in the business, she had an ex with a child that the family wishes to remain in contact with. You can't just wade in and demand a family shake up which adheres to your needs better. You state that, 'I have suggested this' and 'I have suggested that' but if your partner is getting stressed out it means that you are pushing her towards something that she doesn't want to do. I'm sure you mean well and I don't mean to come across as harsh but it seems like you are trying to manage her and her family with the management skills that you use to control your businesses. If you want to remain in this relationship you need to calm down, stop trying to manage her, stop going out with other women when you don't get your own way and work on regaining her trust and ingratiating herself back into her family's good books. Also, if your friends and business partner have backed off then it means that they don't approve of your behaviour. You definitely need to spend some quality time together and work out how you both visualize your long term future. If they are poles apart, you have your answer. Good luck with it all.

 

i understand and you have opened my eyes. But i truly love the girl.

Let's see. Thanks for your words, time and feedback

[JCSK]

You're welcome and also hats off for listening to people's advice! Many people post their problems on here and then get really defensive when posters point out flaws in their approaches to their SO. If you truly love each other then I sincerely hope it works out for you. You are obviously a very determined person or you wouldn't have such successful businesses, but try not to make her like you or judge her for not making the same decisions that you would. Her family sound quite full on but if she doesn't want to break away from them you just can't force her. Maybe counseling so that you can both learn to work on understanding each other's very different family dynamics and find some kind of compromise. Please keep us updated!

[Riddler71]

You're welcome and also hats off for listening to people's advice! Many people post their problems on here and then get really defensive when posters point out flaws in their approaches to their SO. If you truly love each other then I sincerely hope it works out for you. You are obviously a very determined person or you wouldn't have such successful businesses, but try not to make her like you or judge her for not making the same decisions that you would. Her family sound quite full on but if she doesn't want to break away from them you just can't force her. Maybe counseling so that you can both learn to work on understanding each other's very different family dynamics and find some kind of compromise. Please keep us updated!

 

What is succesfull!? ;-) It is only by listening and learning from others that you can grow :-) Will let you know how it works out.

[MissCanuck]

Well really appreciate the feedback and you're right. These are the issue we have. But on another note. Relationships end when you're the only one that is still trying.

I love the girl and think/know it is mutual. I have my demons and yes there is toxicity. True. I take responsibility. But from the moment i saw her on a picture i knew this is the woman i wanted to be with and will fight for it.

 

Maybe i was rather negative in my post. Anyhow thanks for your feedback. maybe i'm wrong and you're right. Wel' see :-)

 

All the best

 

Well, that would be because cheating and immaturity are negative, OP.

 

If you knew she was right, why on earth were you sneaking around with another woman? Your words are contradictory and you aren't ready for a real lifetime commitment if that's how you respond to not getting what you want in the relationship.

[catfeeder]

You've learned this woman's limits. I'd decide whether those are enough for me. If not, I'd walk away and cultivate my own life. When I feel ready, I'd start dating and meet someone more aligned with what I want for my future.

[Riddler71]

Well, that would be because cheating and immaturity are negative, OP.

 

If you knew she was right, why on earth were you sneaking around with another woman? Your words are contradictory and you aren't ready for a real lifetime commitment if that's how you respond to not getting what you want in the relationship.

 

Because we are all human! With mistakes and sides... My/our situation has multiple variables that i can't explain on a forum. Anyhow... if i didn't care i would not have posted. i opened up my situation and feelings..

 

All cool.

Thanks for your "constructive" criticism.

[MissCanuck]

Because we are all human! With mistakes and sides... My/our situation has multiple variables that i can't explain on a forum. Anyhow... if i didn't care i would not have posted. i opened up my situation and feelings..

 

All cool.

Thanks for your "constructive" criticism.

 

It's my pleasure; I hope it gave you something to think about.

[LaurenRiddle]

I have no idea why I have the urge to answer here, but I miss this complicated soul so profoundly.

 

I am L. and this was part of our story, the part where we couldn’t agree over.

 

He was right about something. I loved him more than anything, outside of differences we also had an epic time together.

 

We ended up getting back together by october 2018 just to break up again january 2019. This time it was a clean break. He had found someone else and we never spoke or saw eachother again. He seemed so sure this was the right path for him. I was broken.

 

In the past months he did reach out a few times but I just couldn’t let myself go through it again. I had finally found peace with the fact he chosen someone else and that my life would be lived without him by my side.

 

I couldn’t have been less prepared for what was to come.

 

Two weeks ago he decided life wasn’t worth living it. The girlfriend never worked out and he apparently spiraled into a dark hole of regrets, shame and emptiness.

 

I wish I had been there. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I would have known.

 

So many questions unanswered. So many stories untold.

 

All I have left are memories. The good, the bad, the somewhat crazy.

 

I’ll treasure them all ❤️