Does it have to be like that?

[firelily]

Do all relationships have to be slighly emotionally abusive?

 

Ones with family, friends, colleagues.

 

Is it possible to have these without people being mean on purpose, just to hurt you, from time to time? Intentionally hurting or belittling? Doing something mean just to show someone their place ot teach them a lesson? Or taking it out on them without apologizing later?

 

Is it possible to be close to someone and not do that passive agressive thing at all?

 

Every time that happens, I feel like just leaving. In a relationship, in family, at work.

 

People normally just let it go. But should I let it go, if I pay the price in my health?

 

I don't like myself too if I do that. I try to apologize and hope it's enough. But in every place there are people who don't do that.

 

How to deal with it? I can't stop caring.

[SweetGirl28]

You have to keep toxic people at bay.

 

If you are feeling constantly belittled and thinking they hurt you purposely, why put up with it?

Not everyone does it purposely. There's the old saying "we hurt the ones we love the most".

You need to realize the difference between constructive criticism and flat out insults.

Sometimes those who care say something we know we don't want to hear, and we get defensive.

Some are nice, sugar coat things, and some are more abrasive in their approach.

If you watch those people and their relationships and interactions with others, you'll get a better

feel and understanding of if its just how they are , or if they are indeed attacking you.

 

You can't expect everyone to apologize either. Pride and ego can get in the way.

Some people are so certain they are right, they won't ever understand how you feel, or how

they make you feel.

 

General rule, if you feel bad being around someone, limit your contact and conversation with them.

Learn who can be trusted vs those who needle you for information just to hurt you with it.

[Starlight925]

Divorce toxic people from your life.

 

You will have fewer people, and then you will find you have more people.

[SweetGirl28]

Divorce toxic people from your life.

 

You will have fewer people, and then you will find you have more people.

 

TRUTH ^^^^^^^

Is not about quantity, but quality. Lesser can be more:D

[Batya33]

Divorce toxic people from your life.

 

You will have fewer people, and then you will find you have more people.

 

Yes and also be careful not to too broadly define "emotional abuse" - as an excuse not to deal with any conflict/disagreement -yes and even occasional voice-raising - in a healthy relationship. You're entitled to your standards and also look inward as to whether you're overreacting or being hypersensitive, etc.

[Starlight925]

Is it possible to have these without people being mean on purpose, just to hurt you, from time to time? Intentionally hurting or belittling? Doing something mean just to show someone their place ot teach them a lesson? Or taking it out on them without apologizing later?

 

The first time someone intentionally hurts or belittles you, it's on them. The second time, it's on you. The third time....well, there should be no third time.

 

I have walked out on more "friendships" than I can count due to behavior like this. Someone makes a mean comment, a little jab, designed to be "funny", but it's honestly cruel. So you say something to them, and they just shrug, and then later on, they make another one.

 

At one point, I found myself with no friends, in my 30's, as I let go of so many of these people.. I was divorced, no kids, and all alone. An amazing thing happened....the more of these belittling friends I let go of, the more nice, warm friends I made. The switch happened when I decided that I was too good for that garbage. And you are too.

[melancholy123]

Divorce toxic people from your life.

 

You will have fewer people, and then you will find you have more people.

 

YES!!!! This is what I was going to say. My mother was a pain in the butt passive aggressive annoying person and I cut her out of my life in order to save myself. Hard to do, but was the right decision.

 

No not everyone is like that, of course not. I surround myself with people who dont cause drama or chaos in my life.

[firelily]

Thanks for your wise words so far.

 

I differenciate between toxic people and "normal" people. With toxic people, I know they have a problem with ego, I know they should be avoided as much as possible. I don't keep friendships with people like that.

 

What I mean is something that always happens, sooner or later. I have not been in a work environment without someone who shouted at me or made me feel intentionally stressed or hindered my work out of spite - at least from time to time. Pr bring coffee to everyone but me, on purpose. With my parents, everything was fine, until they said stuff like "I wish we had children - they would have thought about peeling the potatoes for dinner!". With my boyfriend, when I got upset and cried, it made him cold and angry, and he shouted at me to stop crying. When someone acts not nice, I get angry but I also internalize it. So I cry at toilets at different jobs, to go into zombie mode for the rest of the day and I feel like resigning on the spot. I don't do it, but then I regret it. I feel like packing bags and leaving dear ones, because I wouldn't like to get emotional coldness or cruelty, even from time to time. But I don't think there are people who don't do that - if we get close enough to someone, if tou spend enough time with them. So am I supposed to be alone? When I was eight, I cried a lot because of teachers saying something mean (not constructive criticism, but showing dislike), some abusive peers, parents... I thought it will change, but I'm thirty, I will never be thick-skinned, and people are imperfect like that everywhere. I'm sure I acted this way too. I'm not sure if having people around is worth the stress that is hard to bear for my body.

[Batya33]

Sometimes crying can be manipulative or seem like that - did you cry or get upset often in front of your boyfriend? Why? Did you expect him to stay and comfort you every time? Yes you do need a thick skin for most jobs. Are you willing to work on tourccooong and self soothing skills? I had a mentor for ten years who could be quite harsh. But it was worth it to roll with the punches so to speak because I learned so much from him and I owe a lot of my success to him. No one should be mean and on the other hand it can be frustrating to walk on egg shells too much especially in close personal or professional relationships. I don’t run to my son every time he is upset from an interaction with another child. I let him work it out if possible and watch from a distance to make sure he is safe especially physically. Been doing that for years and had to change from being too interventionist.

So look internally and see if your interactions and your way of approaching criticism are effective and if perhaps your reactions frustrate people. No one should be intentionally mean and no one is an angel in the face of repeated crying at the drop of a hat. If that is the situation.

[SweetGirl28]

Firelily, appears you are just a very sensitive and emotional person.

You can more look to coping mechanisms to deal with it, but you know, embrace who you are.

It's said our personalities are formed by the time we are 3, if I recall this correctly, but being

overly sensitive will make you feel as if you are insulted, left out, etc.

I used to be that way until I had some hard life issues. Then I got a pretty tough skin. A lot is about picking and choosing

your battles too. Some things are best let go of, while others require a response or action.

[firelily]

Sometimes crying can be manipulative or seem like that - did you cry or get upset often in front of your boyfriend? Why? Did you expect him to stay and comfort you every time? Yes you do need a thick skin for most jobs. Are you willing to work on tourccooong and self soothing skills? I had a mentor for ten years who could be quite harsh. But it was worth it to roll with the punches so to speak because I learned so much from him and I owe a lot of my success to him. No one should be mean and on the other hand it can be frustrating to walk on egg shells too much especially in close personal or professional relationships. I don’t run to my son every time he is upset from an interaction with another child. I let him work it out if possible and watch from a distance to make sure he is safe especially physically. Been doing that for years and had to change from being too interventionist.

So look internally and see if your interactions and your way of approaching criticism are effective and if perhaps your reactions frustrate people. No one should be intentionally mean and no one is an angel in the face of repeated crying at the drop of a hat. If that is the situation.

 

You know a bit about me. Why would you think I'm manipulative? It's normal to express emotions after or during an argument.

 

I don't expect people to support me when I'm sad, but it is a problem when they punish me for being sad. I know it might test someone's patience, but the person crying doesn't deserve punishment for it. Why blame the person experiencing emotional bad behavior after showing weakness for that bad behavior? It doesn't make sense. You can't control sadness as well as you can control not acting like a jerk.

[firelily]

Firelily, appears you are just a very sensitive and emotional person.

You can more look to coping mechanisms to deal with it, but you know, embrace who you are.

It's said our personalities are formed by the time we are 3, if I recall this correctly, but being

overly sensitive will make you feel as if you are insulted, left out, etc.

I used to be that way until I had some hard life issues. Then I got a pretty tough skin. A lot is about picking and choosing

your battles too. Some things are best let go of, while others require a response or action.

 

I wish I had this perspective. It doesn't work for me like that. After some dark years of serious problems like death in close family I still have thin skin to small problems again. I can't choose my battles either - I just feel miserable when something happens and I can get better, but I can't prevent it in the first place.

[firelily]

P.S. I want to be clear that I don't mind job-related criticism, it's harsh to take in large doses but still welcome. I mind expressing personal dislike or acting on it. If I'm relatively new to the job, I messed up, should have asked before doing something but didn't, the team will have to correct it because of me - yes, I deserve harsh job-related criticism, all of it. If I didn't hear my colleague because I was mentally occupied with a client, and instead of repeating that person gets angry, offended and punishes me later by lefting me out, no, I'm not ok with that.

[SweetGirl28]

I wish I had this perspective. It doesn't work for me like that. After some dark years of serious problems like death in close family I still have thin skin to small problems again. I can't choose my battles either - I just feel miserable when something happens and I can get better, but I can't prevent it in the first place.

 

There's no one who can prevent bad things from happening, do you blame yourself often?

Sounds like you might have abandonment issues too. You can choose your battles.

You have to retrain your mind to remind yourself what is worth fighting for, vs what is better to ignore.

It comes with patience and practice. It is possible. What also helps is finding your inner strength and voice,

which maybe you have allowed to be taken from you. If your confidence is shattered, you will be more

emotional and less able to deal with things. Something very minor will seem huge to you in this instance.

 

About crying with a partner, who doesn't? Some guys are okay with it, and others just shut it out.

Even if they display anger, they aren't mad at you for crying, they are frustrated because they don't

know how to deal with those emotions. Are we ever truly rational when upset and crying? Often not.

I can be a hot mess when I cry, and I've had guys walk away while I'm doing it, lol.

They come back. Some will cry with you, some won't, but dry your tears, others put those tears there.

[firelily]

There's no one who can prevent bad things from happening, do you blame yourself often?

Sounds like you might have abandonment issues too. You can choose your battles.

You have to retrain your mind to remind yourself what is worth fighting for, vs what is better to ignore.

It comes with patience and practice. It is possible. What also helps is finding your inner strength and voice,

which maybe you have allowed to be taken from you. If your confidence is shattered, you will be more

emotional and less able to deal with things. Something very minor will seem huge to you in this instance.

 

About crying with a partner, who doesn't? Some guys are okay with it, and others just shut it out.

Even if they display anger, they aren't mad at you for crying, they are frustrated because they don't

know how to deal with those emotions. Are we ever truly rational when upset and crying? Often not.

I can be a hot mess when I cry, and I've had guys walk away while I'm doing it, lol.

They come back. Some will cry with you, some won't, but dry your tears, others put those tears there.

 

Thank you a lot for understanding.

 

Do you really think it's possible to retrain myself like that? I don't... It makes me feel a bit hopeless about life :(

 

Yes, the thing you describe. My mom said she also doesn't get any comfort from our father (good person but very reason-oriented) when she's crying and upset, so I'm sure it doesn't happen only to me. However, I don't think I'll be able to be in a close relationship, living together with someone who gets angry about crying. I get self-harming thoughts when that happens and I don't want to be going through that long term on a regular basis. So I wonder if it is really possible to find someone who doesn't act like that...

 

I want to say, I perfectly know how it is to be on the other side - I have highly sensitive female friends, when they cry "about nothing" it makes me frustrated as well because I feel powerless to help and confused. But I try not to be a jerk, I offer support once, if it doesn't help, I politely distance myself. This is the thing about it - if I was alone crying, it would be fine. If I'm stuck in a hotel room with someone who shouts at me to stop crying already, I feel really trapped. The only thing that helps is alcohol. So after this one incident, my ex-boyfriend actually encouraged me to drink when I started crying... it's not that I wanted, it's the only thing that stopped this circle of me crying - someone getting angry - me crying even more - someone getting even more angry etc. - if that thing isn't the other person showing a small drop of compassion and care. Or giving me real space. It's... ugh. I wish so bad I could live a life with some years without experiencing this cycle at all.

[katrina1980]

firelily, you're a lot like me, or say how I used to be.

 

Highly sensitive, I used to think I wasn't meant for this world, that it was just too cruel; I had difficulty dealing especially as a child and teenager.

 

I'm a big reader and would like to recommend a good book that helped me a lot, along with learning to accept people, and realizing that most people actually don't "mean to be mean" as it may appear to you.

 

Everyone stresses, especially at work, and it's important to realize this and not take everything so personally, such that you need to go into rest room and cry.

 

The book is called "The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You."

 

It changed my entire perspective.

 

I learned that taking everything so personally is actually a form of self-centeredness!

 

I was shocked to learn that as I thought I was quite selfless and everyone else was selfish!

 

I don't say that to be rude or insulting, and don't know if it's true for you as I don't know you, but it was true for me, and your words resonate with me, as I used to be very much like you.

 

My stepmom once said "not everything is about you!" And she was right!

 

She was the first to point that out to me, and she was the first to recommend the book to me.

 

Perhaps it might help you too, best of luck!

[firelily]

firelily, you're a lot like me, or say how I used to be.

 

Highly sensitive, I used to think I wasn't meant for this world, that it was just too cruel; I had difficulty dealing especially as child and teenager.

 

I'm a big reader and would like to recommend a good book that helped me deal, along with learning to accept people, and realizing that most people actually don't mean to be as mean as it may appear to you.

 

The book is called "The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You."

 

It changed my entire perspective.

 

I learned that taking everything so personally is actually a form of self-centeredness!

 

I was shocked to learn that as I thought I was quite selfless and everyone else was selfish!

 

I don't say that to be rude or insulting, and don't know if it's true for you as I don't know you, but it was true for me, and your words resonate with me, as I used to be very much like you.

 

My stepmom was the first to point that out to me, and she was the first to recommend the book to me.

 

Thanks, that's a very concrete advice! I will look for that book :)

 

I don't fully fit a description of HSP and I never considered myself one (for example, I love riding roller-coasters, I listen to some metal) but in this sense this might be useful for me as well.

 

I definitely agree on the self-centeredness thing! It's not like an evil kind of egoism, but a different, sort of accidental type, a side-effect of being too introspective and focused on self and feelings.

[katrina1980]

Thanks, that's a very concrete advice! I will look for that book :)

 

I don't fully fit a description of HSP and I never considered myself one (for example, I love riding roller-coasters, I listen to some metal) but in this sense this might be useful for me as well.

 

I definitely agree on the self-centeredness thing! It's not like an evil kind of egoism, but a different, sort of accidental type, a side-effect of being too introspective and focused on self and feelings.

 

Can you watch horror movies? lol

 

I cannot (although I will if necessary with bfs or friends), but have nightmares afterwards.

 

I can't ride roller coasters either (more nightmares) and try as I might, I simply cannot relate to metal.

 

Hell I am more sensitive than you and I overcame many of the issues you are dealing with now, so there's hope!

[SweetGirl28]

Thank you a lot for understanding.

 

Do you really think it's possible to retrain myself like that? I don't... It makes me feel a bit hopeless about life :(

 

Yes, the thing you describe. My mom said she also doesn't get any comfort from our father (good person but very reason-oriented) when she's crying and upset, so I'm sure it doesn't happen only to me. However, I don't think I'll be able to be in a close relationship, living together with someone who gets angry about crying. I get self-harming thoughts when that happens and I don't want to be going through that long term on a regular basis. So I wonder if it is really possible to find someone who doesn't act like that...

 

I want to say, I perfectly know how it is to be on the other side - I have highly sensitive female friends, when they cry "about nothing" it makes me frustrated as well because I feel powerless to help and confused. But I try not to be a jerk, I offer support once, if it doesn't help, I politely distance myself. This is the thing about it - if I was alone crying, it would be fine. If I'm stuck in a hotel room with someone who shouts at me to stop crying already, I feel really trapped. The only thing that helps is alcohol. So after this one incident, my ex-boyfriend actually encouraged me to drink when I started crying... it's not that I wanted, it's the only thing that stopped this circle of me crying - someone getting angry - me crying even more - someone getting even more angry etc. - if that thing isn't the other person showing a small drop of compassion and care. Or giving me real space. It's... ugh. I wish so bad I could live a life with some years without experiencing this cycle at all.

 

Aww, I'm sorry you had that experience of being told to drink to deal with your crying.

That's abusive to yourself and your body to handle it that way, not to mention that alcohol

is a depressant. And add in the fact you think of self harming(do you mean cutting?) is not

the proper way for you to deal with your feelings.

 

It's very difficult to deal with a partner who is not as sensitive nor emotional as you are.

It's also very difficult to deal with one who is even more emotional than you.

Just like with your friends, it drains you. There has to be a balance reached.

And he should have known that yelling at you would increase the tears, right?

Men just don't think sometimes, they just want it to stop in whatever way possible.

 

It would be better to have a partner who walks away when your crying than to be yelled at.

Ideally, you want one that doesn't run, and works through it with you.

I think you could be calmed if you were made to feel safe and secure.

If you hold onto these past instances, the next time someone yells at you, it's going to trigger

the same emotional response in you.

 

Have you tried therapy? There are support groups, empowerment groups that help you learn

how to handle and deal with your emotions effectively. I learned it on my own after constantly

being told I was overly sensitive. I thought long and hard about it, and realized it all stemmed from

my mother who was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Constant put downs, not

being good enough, told I had no brains and guys used me for my body(which was all bs because how did

I become a nurse? How did I have one relationship from 16-22 , if I was those things?

Think back to past experiences that may have emotionally scarred you, that are triggering these

feelings and actions within you. If you find and deal with the source, you can overcome all of this.

 

You are a nice person(from what I've seen here) who deserves a healthy relationship , which should

not be denied to yourself out of fear of how you will be treated.

[Batya33]

I never wrote that I thought you were manipulative. Katrina's advice is spot on.

[firelily]

I never wrote that I thought you were manipulative. Katrina's advice is spot on.

 

What about it was spot on in your opinion?

[journeynow]

The only thing that helps is alcohol. So after this one incident, my ex-boyfriend actually encouraged me to drink when I started crying... it's not that I wanted, it's the only thing that stopped this circle of me crying - someone getting angry - me crying even more - someone getting even more angry etc. - if that thing isn't the other person showing a small drop of compassion and care. Or giving me real space. It's... ugh. I wish so bad I could live a life with some years without experiencing this cycle at all.

 

Do this: give yourself a boundary around crying. Tell yourself it is ok to cry as long as you are doing something physical at the same time that's not drinking. When you are not in an emotional place make yourself a list of things to do WHEN you cry. I did this after my break up. A friend suggested it around anger, find physical things to do when you are angry, but I wasn't angry I was sad, very sad. So when the tears came I'd let them AND I'd go dig in the dirt, or clear brush, or vacuum, or move boulders, or any physical hard work. It helped immensely as I needed both the emotional release and physicality. In retrospect, I guess I needed the physical grounding. I'd get focused in the physical activity, the Here And Now of it, and soon realize the tears were over and the emotions dissipated. I highly highly recommend it. (I would fall in the very sensitive category, too sensitive to read the HSP book, though I tried... :-) )

 

So it's ok to cry if you really feel you need to, but add doing something physical or constructive WHILE you cry. Experiment with it and see. (You'll be impressed with how much you accomplish, and THAT's an ego boost in itself.)

[Batya33]

What about it was spot on in your opinion?

 

All of it -the advice about how to work on how you react to being thin skinned and I am sure her book recommendation is right on target too. And I do agree that taking everything personally at some point is quite self-centered. But not saying you are self-centered just agreeing with her opinion. I am a fan of building a thicker skin in certain situations as well as "grit". I also liked Journeynow's advice.

[firelily]

Do this: give yourself a boundary around crying. Tell yourself it is ok to cry as long as you are doing something physical at the same time that's not drinking. When you are not in an emotional place make yourself a list of things to do WHEN you cry. I did this after my break up. A friend suggested it around anger, find physical things to do when you are angry, but I wasn't angry I was sad, very sad. So when the tears came I'd let them AND I'd go dig in the dirt, or clear brush, or vacuum, or move boulders, or any physical hard work. It helped immensely as I needed both the emotional release and physicality. In retrospect, I guess I needed the physical grounding. I'd get focused in the physical activity, the Here And Now of it, and soon realize the tears were over and the emotions dissipated. I highly highly recommend it. (I would fall in the very sensitive category, too sensitive to read the HSP book, though I tried... :-) )

 

So it's ok to cry if you really feel you need to, but add doing something physical or constructive WHILE you cry. Experiment with it and see. (You'll be impressed with how much you accomplish, and THAT's an ego boost in itself.)

 

Thank you for that advice! I think it might be useful for my crying-alone sessions. For crying-because-of-argument-with-someone sessions I think what I need is some space and calm or some supportive gesture :) You know, I normally find ways to calm myself down, the problem is when I'm trapped with someone who is sort of adding fuel to fire, so these normal mechanisms can't be worked with.

[firelily]

It's very difficult to deal with a partner who is not as sensitive nor emotional as you are.

It's also very difficult to deal with one who is even more emotional than you.

Just like with your friends, it drains you. There has to be a balance reached.

And he should have known that yelling at you would increase the tears, right?

Men just don't think sometimes, they just want it to stop in whatever way possible.

 

Yes, spot on :)

 

It would be better to have a partner who walks away when your crying than to be yelled at.

Ideally, you want one that doesn't run, and works through it with you.

I think you could be calmed if you were made to feel safe and secure.

If you hold onto these past instances, the next time someone yells at you, it's going to trigger

the same emotional response in you.

 

Have you tried therapy? There are support groups, empowerment groups that help you learn

how to handle and deal with your emotions effectively. I learned it on my own after constantly

being told I was overly sensitive. I thought long and hard about it, and realized it all stemmed from

my mother who was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Constant put downs, not

being good enough, told I had no brains and guys used me for my body(which was all bs because how did

I become a nurse? How did I have one relationship from 16-22 , if I was those things?

Think back to past experiences that may have emotionally scarred you, that are triggering these

feelings and actions within you. If you find and deal with the source, you can overcome all of this.

 

I think the source of it is in me. My parents weren't perfect, but they absolutely weren't terrible. I remember feeling emotionally devastated as a 3-5 year old, when I did something wrong, or ridden with guilt when my mom sang to me that all the fishes in the lake are asleep and all the stars in the sky are too but I'm not asleep :) Now I'm smarter than this, but this is to say, I think I might be this way not due to some abusive settings worth finding, but just born this way.

 

You are a nice person(from what I've seen here) who deserves a healthy relationship , which should

not be denied to yourself out of fear of how you will be treated.

 

I was just wondering, if, taking into account my sensitivity, I can have realistic expectations of someone being caring enough so that I wouldn't feel like packing on a regular basis. I do fear that "what I'm able to put up with" and "what is realistically possible" are exclusive concepts.