Why I am still single (as opposed to 'why am I still single')

[Raize]

Some time ago, I basically decided that (being the flawed individual that I am), as much as I feel like I would like a special someone in my life, in reality I prefer solitude over the complexities of relationships in the real world.

 

 

I've had relationship prospects over the years, and nothing ever came of any of those situations - Despite those instances when there was a mutual interest. With time, I have come to the increasing realisation that it was my own subconscious effort to self-sabotage any romantic prospects all along.

 

 

Nowadays, I no longer attempt to look for a relationship, as I know that it was only ever a half-arsed attempt driven mostly by my biological instinct to want to get hitched, have children etc. Am I okay with this? Yes and no. Overall, I'm dealing with flying solo much better than beforehand, when I was being less honest with myself.

[Rose Mosse]

At the heart of it people are all very much the same. What is it about relationships that you find complex?

[ConfusedLady21]

I'm sorry, I feel like we all deserve love.

Someone who will love you, flaws and all.. but I can relate. Sometimes it's better to just deal with yourself than someone getting to know our insecurities, flaws, whatever it may be..

[Fudgie]

I can relate. I've been single for almost 6 months now and I've been feeling better while single.

[msgirl]

Honestly I'm in the same boat as you. I'm about to end a 3 year relationship so I can rebuild my self essentially. I'm unfortunately a serial monogamous lol but I'm now at a point where I really have no interest in dating or sex for that matter. I'm moving in with friends to help my financial situation and at the same time help myself. At least I won't be completely alone which will help. I just don't feel like trying to explain my past and my baggage to anyone.

[catfeeder]

Sounds as though you're figuring out that there's no rush. In our teens and 20's we can get caught up in the momentum of everyone else's push to couple-up, but some people are capable of moving beyond that into a solo stability that actually feels GOOD.

 

You aren't up against a bio-clock or any other pressures that aren't entirely manufactured. So figure out which of those pressures don't really belong to you, and then address any remaining ones until you have fully depressurized yourself on the issue.

 

I'd avoid any attempt to solidify the issue by assigning proclamations to your future that include the words 'always' or 'never'. Instead, consider the idea of fluidity and leaving your mental and emotional doors open to exploration and optimism. This allows you to grow into your best self regardless of whether you organically stumble upon simpatico with an incredible match or whether you remain happily single during any given stage of life.

 

I once noticed that I carried a useful perspective on coupledom when a friend and I saw an elderly couple cuddling on a park bench. She said, "Oh, I so envy them and their history together..." And I responded earnestly, "How do you know that they didn't just meet?"

 

It's all good.

[Batya33]

Sounds as though you're figuring out that there's no rush. In our teens and 20's we can get caught up in the momentum of everyone else's push to couple-up, but some people are capable of moving beyond that into a solo stability that actually feels GOOD.

 

You aren't up against a bio-clock or any other pressures that aren't entirely manufactured. So figure out which of those pressures don't really belong to you, and then address any remaining ones until you have fully depressurized yourself on the issue.

 

I'd avoid any attempt to solidify the issue by assigning proclamations to your future that include the words 'always' or 'never'. Instead, consider the idea of fluidity and leaving your mental and emotional doors open to exploration and optimism. This allows you to grow into your best self regardless of whether you organically stumble upon simpatico with an incredible match or whether you remain happily single during any given stage of life.

 

I once noticed that I carried a useful perspective on coupledom when a friend and I saw an elderly couple cuddling on a park bench. She said, "Oh, I so envy them and their history together..." And I responded earnestly, "How do you know that they didn't just meet?"

 

It's all good.

 

I love the older couple story (which was true of my 80 year old uncle who found love again at that point after my Aunt passed away).

 

I agree with not setting in stone and completely believe in there be a lot right with a person being honest with herself or himself and choosing not to be involved in a romantic relationship. But to me, only if it's for positive reasons and not if it's based on negative generalized assumptions or stereotypes about relationships.

[heartsouls]

I can relate. I’m now in my mid 40’s and have always held on to the thought that “the one” is just around the corner. I’ve been telling myself this for over 10 years now. Perhaps we’re not supposed to set any expectations in stone but at the same time if in our heart we feel the situation should be different, why can’t it work out for everyone? This is a rhetorical question. [emoji846]. There’s a certain priceless freedom being single. But it’s also quite nice when one gets to spend a moment in time on this Earth with someone who genuinely enjoys your company more than anything or anybody. Thanks for posting this. It’s helping me on this journey.

[Raize]

At the heart of it people are all very much the same. What is it about relationships that you find complex?

 

Good question. In a nutshell, I suppose that I'm referring to the complexities that stem from mutual expectations, disappointments , compromises etc. Of course, this is stuff which applies to many relationships in our lives, including the non-romantic ones.

 

I suspect that I fall into the fearful-avoidant personality type, which I never really knew was a thing until recently. I used to think that I was 'love-shy', but really only some of the criteria of 'love-shyness' I can relate to, and the majority of it I can't relate to at all. When I look at the fearful-avoidant criteria however, I feel that I'm ticking nearly all the boxes.

[Raize]

Honestly I'm in the same boat as you. I'm about to end a 3 year relationship so I can rebuild my self essentially. I'm unfortunately a serial monogamous lol but I'm now at a point where I really have no interest in dating or sex for that matter. I'm moving in with friends to help my financial situation and at the same time help myself. At least I won't be completely alone which will help. I just don't feel like trying to explain my past and my baggage to anyone.

 

It's the perfect opportunity to focus on yourself, your independence and whatever your goals & interests are :-)

[Raize]

I can relate. I've been single for almost 6 months now and I've been feeling better while single.

 

I've always told myself that I'd rather stay single than find myself feeling stuck in an unfulfilling relationship (Though I still wouldn't necessarily object to finding myself in a fulfilling one!)

[Raize]

I can relate. I’m now in my mid 40’s and have always held on to the thought that “the one” is just around the corner. I’ve been telling myself this for over 10 years now. Perhaps we’re not supposed to set any expectations in stone but at the same time if in our heart we feel the situation should be different, why can’t it work out for everyone? This is a rhetorical question. [emoji846]. There’s a certain priceless freedom being single. But it’s also quite nice when one gets to spend a moment in time on this Earth with someone who genuinely enjoys your company more than anything or anybody. Thanks for posting this. It’s helping me on this journey.

 

I've spent so long in the past wondering "Why can't I find love", or "How do I find love". I think that I've always known deep down that the real answer is that I've never felt truly comfortable letting love happen for whatever circumstance or insecurity or doubt, which is something that I've been gradually learning to be more honest with myself about with time.

 

Even for those of us who do feel willing and ready to let love happen in their life with the 'right person' when they come along, there's still so much to be said for enjoying life (or at least phases of life) flying solo!

[bluecastle]

There are millionaires who spend their lives wondering when they're going to get rich. And there are thousandaires who spend their lives feeling like billionaires. Sounds to me that if you can give yourself a touch of space to accept that maybe you don't know the answers to what you're looking for, that it can't quite be explained through diagnostic language, you may find the answers start revealing themselves in that space.

 

The best thing about being single, to me, is that it allows you to get to know yourself. That knowledge becomes a terrific gauge of relationships. If you can feel like yourself alongside someone—great. That's the path to love. If you can't—sad. Means that path to love is too weedy to walk. The depth of our love for others, and the room for it to expand, is directly proportional to our love for ourselves. So rather than analyze yourself maybe try dating yourself for a bit. That's how I look at it, and my best relationships have been those where "dating myself" and "dating another" become a pretty seamless dance.

[Rose Mosse]

I suspect that I fall into the fearful-avoidant personality type, which I never really knew was a thing until recently. I used to think that I was 'love-shy', but really only some of the criteria of 'love-shyness' I can relate to, and the majority of it I can't relate to at all. When I look at the fearful-avoidant criteria however, I feel that I'm ticking nearly all the boxes.

 

This type of personality seems a bit severe. I think it's a good idea to work through it and try and overcome some of the traits associated with it if you feel you want to move past them. It doesn't seem normal - actually, quite debilitating.

 

I wouldn't expect you to react in the same way the average person would if this is really your attachment style in relationships. I can see why you might feel being single is a better option. It still seems like a good idea to explore your limitations a bit more so that you are able to overcome some of the more severe characteristics associated with this psychology or whatever it's supposed to be listed as as an attachment style.

 

Being single or alone might not be the best thing for you as it enables the issues involving that attachment style. Have you tried to possibly go outside of your comfort zone and meet new people in general? I'm not speaking about dates or relationships but more along the lines of simply pushing past current comfort zones and proving to yourself that being around people may not be as complex as you may first think. You may be able to recondition your mind that way.

[greendots]

I can relate to a degree as well.

 

What I've come to realise is that often times this "bliss" we witness from some others is purely constructed. Basically, it's them being a version of themselves to fit in with their partner. They are merely prolonging their inevitable self-destruction. I've literally met people who have given up their hobbies (for example, card playing) because their partner doesn't enjoy it.

 

If I'm voluntarily spending time with you, I want to be able to feel like myself.

[Batya33]

I can relate to a degree as well.

 

What I've come to realise is that often times this "bliss" we witness from some others is purely constructed. Basically, it's them being a version of themselves to fit in with their partner. They are merely prolonging their inevitable self-destruction. I've literally met people who have given up their hobbies (for example, card playing) because their partner doesn't enjoy it.

 

If I'm voluntarily spending time with you, I want to be able to feel like myself.

 

I don't go for the whole knock down other people's choices in partners/relationships to feel better about oneself. I also don't go for people bragging about their "blissful" relationships especially on social media (those who brag usually have a reason -because they're insecure about their relationships). I think people give up certain hobbies all the time for a partner - it's called compromise -and as long as it's done by choice -by a wish to compromise -and not because of being controlled, then it's fine. Some people love to give things up because their partner doesn't enjoy it -because often it gives them an excuse not to put in the effort to do the hobby or activity - I've seen that a bunch too. They choose to lose themselves in their partners - they like the "my husband doesn't like it when" stuff. But that makes them happy so who are we to judge? Or they find a hobby they enjoy with their partner that replaces the former hobby.

 

I've made compromises and so has my husband -big and small. And I wanted to be a different version of myself when we married - not a different person -but I was now a wife, very soon to be a mother, very soon to be unemployed and relocating for the first time in 43 years, all in one year. I wanted to do well in these new roles - so just because it might look like a person loses themselves or gives up everything for the partner what you are seeing as an outsider doesn't mean it's reality. If someone tells you in a negative way that she gave up too much of herself then sure. But even if that is true it's not a reason for you or anyone to remain single -that just refers to that person's choices in her life and relationships.

[greendots]

Very true, Batya. It's certainly not my place or anyone's to judge. So if their choices make them happy, then good for them. However, I don't have to agree with people's choices and they don't have to agree with mine.

[Batya33]

Very true, Batya. It's certainly not my place or anyone's to judge. So if their choices make them happy, then good for them. However, I don't have to agree with people's choices and they don't have to agree with mine.

 

Of course - I was reacting to the assumptions you made about the choices not with the freedom we all have not to make those choices for ourselves or agree with those choices. So to me it's not a "however" - agreeing or disagreeing has nothing to do with assumptions or judging - nor does it have to do with whether to share disagreement -for me I do my very best not to share disagreement unsolicited. Agreement -less so - saying to someone "I agree with that choice" in a casual "for what it's worth" kind of way often is a nonissue.

[Fudgie]

I've always told myself that I'd rather stay single than find myself feeling stuck in an unfulfilling relationship (Though I still wouldn't necessarily object to finding myself in a fulfilling one!)

 

I left a relationship after almost 4 years. I've had several long term relationships in the past. I'm just burnt out and I am done. I've given up, lol. I won't even go on dating apps now. I tried, but I got a bunch of single dads and I don't want kids so that's a no-go.