Who is right? Dispute about health and travel

[ballerinababe]

Please help me settle a dispute with my husband. I feel he is being very inconsiderate and uncaring to me, whereas he seems to think I'm being inconsiderate to him and his sister.

 

Husband's sister planned a visit a couple months ago. She lives in same country, different time zone. I've never met her. This will be her first time meeting me and our baby girl. She's supposed to arrive this week and stay a week.

 

Backstory:

About a year ago we had our first child. Starting in the last trimester of pregnancy I began to have sleep problems. I've never had insomnia before, but I was only sleeping a few hours per night, and some nights none at all. I figured it was because of my hormones changing due to the pregnancy, and things would go back to normal after I had the baby. Well, that didn't happen. I continued only sleeping for a few hours a night if at all for the past year. In desperation I made the decision to gradually stop breastfeeding in the hopes that it would help my hormones return to "normal." It was a long process but as of last Thursday I have not breastfed. I've also been to multiple doctors, gotten labs/tests, everything normal. Despite my aversion for taking any medication, I even tried two different sleep medications, but they made me feel even worse and didn't help with sleep. My insomnia became extra bad over the holidays when we had relatives come. The sleeping arrangement was disrupted and everything went to hell. After they left it only got worse. Last week I slept absolutely none for 5 days out of 7. The other two days I only slept a combined total of 3 hours. Needless to say I was a complete wreck. The sleep deprivation has led to positional vertigo and migraines. I've had nonstop headaches for months and months. I can't stand or walk without feeling woozy/dizzy. Some days I couldn't even lift my daughter.

 

My mom offered to take care of our daughter for a couple weeks at her house (about a 4-hour drive away) in hopes that removing that aspect might help me relax and be able to sleep again. Told my husband of my mom's offer and he was skeptical, said he would prefer there be a backup, and what if something came up and made it difficult for my mom to juggle all her obligations plus take care of the baby? I thought this was pretty ridiculous because my mom is competent and she raised me as a single mom while also doing a PhD and writing/publishing a novel when I was just an infant.

 

Since he didn't want my mom to take care of her, I suggested I go home and stay with my mom for about 10 days, and he can stay with the baby himself (she has daycare). I thought being at home might be more relaxing and help me unwind enough that I could finally sleep. Plus maybe being away from my daughter and going back to my old pre-baby life would trick my hormones into going back to the way they were before I had the baby, back when I could sleep. I wanted to go immediately because 1) my insomnia was so bad and I felt I needed a change right away, and 2) I was only able to get these days of work off, and I can't travel home otherwise.

 

The days off unfortunately overlap with my sister-in-law's visit. My husband is upset that I want to leave when she is coming. He also said he doesn't want to be alone with the baby. I said I was sorry it was such bad timing with his sister coming but in my current condition I do not want to meet his sister anyway. I can't function like this. I can't think of words, can't move around freely, can't interact in any normal way going on no sleep for so long. It would be more stressful (and embarrassing) to meet his sister now, and likely make my sleep even worse.

 

On Saturday night I finally was able to sleep for almost 6 hours. It was the first time in over a year. I woke up without the headache and with much less dizziness. I was so happy. I was able to go up stairs without crawling, and downstairs without sliding down on my rump. I was able to lift my daughter and play with her. I was hopeful that change was finally starting to happen. Sunday night I even had a sleepy feeling for the first time in a year. I was optimistic I might sleep two nights in the row. Unfortunately as I was trying to sleep I ended up sick with terrible nausea/vomiting (unrelated, I think due to something I ate) and I didn't sleep again. However, the fact that I was able to sleep Saturday night makes me feel like things might be starting to improve. With his sister coming, though, I fear that will jar me out of the path to sleep/improvement again.

 

Sister is supposed to arrive in two days.

1) I don't want to meet her in this condition.

2) I have this week off from work and really want to go home and stay with my mom where she can help me hopefully regain my ability to sleep.

 

My husband got very upset when I said I wanted to go home to my mom's. He does not want me to go. He said I've known of my insomnia for past year so why leave the very week sister is coming?

 

Am I in the wrong? In my current condition it is hard to know. I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable. I'm actually really insulted that my husband doesn't see things from my perspective. I went to the doctor last Friday and my blood pressure has soared 40 points. My heartrate is up 20 points. I've always been in good health, with perfect blood pressure. It freaks me out to see my health decline like this. I just want to get better. Why does my husband seem to put his sister's visit ahead of my health??

[ballerinababe]

The more I think about it, the more livid I become. I could be on my way home right now. I have today off from work. Instead I am at home in limbo wondering what is going to happen this week. It's not relaxing at all. My husband and his family have never had sleep problems. He can fall asleep at the drop of a hat anywhere. Yesterday he was grumpy and complained that he woke up an hour early and while he got back to sleep, it wasn't a great sleep after that. POOR BABY!! Give me a break! I haven't slept more than 2-3 hours per night at best in over a year and you're complaining about waking up an hour early? HOW can he lack such empathy?! Just ENRAGED.

[Wiseman2]

Take the baby and stay at your mom's, let him entertain his sister. Very few new parents want house guests for a week. Don't focus on all your symptoms. Just take the baby with you and suggest he and his sister visit you at your mother's. Politely explain that you need to get some rest and need to be at your mothers place.

[ballerinababe]

Take the baby and stay at your mom's, let him entertain his sister. Very few new parents want house guests for a week. Don't focus on all your symptoms. Just take the baby with you and suggest he and his sister visit you at your mother's. Politely explain that you need to get some rest and need to be at your mothers place.

 

That defeats the whole purpose. My mom has already been staying here at our house with the baby for the past 2 weeks helping out. I thought I'd try a period of time without the baby to see if that helped for the reasons described above. Also, part of the reason his sister came was to meet the baby. It would seem really weird that I force them to drive to another city for that. Plus it makes it even more stressful because there's not enough room at my mom's house for all those people. AND my husband is working so he can't take off work to travel. Just wouldn't work logistically, nor would it help anyone.

[abitbroken]

You know what --- don't go to your mom's house. Yes, i would be upset if I were in his shoes "going home to mother" usually means a separation. You need to work this out as a married couple. I agree with him - if you had insomnia for a year - bailing when the sister is coming is not cool, especially if she has planned this for months.

 

I would a) ask husband if its possible to explain that you have been sick and have not been able to sleep much to prep her that you won't be at your best. And let if fall in the sister's hands whether she wants to visit now or another time, if she can even change her plans and cut it short by a day or two. But then again, what will your excuse be next time? b) let the sister come as planned and just do your best. Maybe ask the husband that he choose a day or two during the week for him to take her sightseeing to give you a chance to rest.

 

I would cut out absolutely all caffeine and make sure your sleep hygiene is good - no smartphone when you can't sleep and all devices turned off 2 hours before bed.

[ballerinababe]

You know what --- don't go to your mom's house. Yes, i would be upset if I were in his shoes "going home to mother" usually means a separation. You need to work this out as a married couple. I agree with him - if you had insomnia for a year - bailing when the sister is coming is not cool, especially if she has planned this for months.

 

I would a) ask husband if its possible to explain that you have been sick and have not been able to sleep much to prep her that you won't be at your best. And let if fall in the sister's hands whether she wants to visit now or another time, if she can even change her plans and cut it short by a day or two. But then again, what will your excuse be next time? b) let the sister come as planned and just do your best. Maybe ask the husband that he choose a day or two during the week for him to take her sightseeing to give you a chance to rest.

 

I would cut out absolutely all caffeine and make sure your sleep hygiene is good - no smartphone when you can't sleep and all devices turned off 2 hours before bed.

 

Wow.

 

You think I haven't tried the obvious like good sleep hygiene etc? I have good sleep hygiene, I don't even use my cellphone for anything beyond at work, and I've never been a caffeine drinker. Please. This is much more serious than that! !!!!!!!

 

And staying with my mom for a week and a half does not indicate a separation, that's YOUR opinion, and a ridiculous one.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you need to go back to your doctor and ask for a sleep test in an over-night facility. I sympathize with you but I can also empathize with your husband as I'm sure he doesn't want to be responsible for entertaining his sister alone nor would he want to have to have 100% responsibility for the baby for a whole week.

 

Does your sister in law know that you aren't well? Perhaps if you stay at home, she can look after your baby for the most part with the help of your husband and hopefully you'd be able to get some sleep even if its during the day for a few hours.

 

I really think you should be seeing a therapist as well as being observed in a sleep lab because you sound as if you're suffering from postpartum depression.

 

I hope you can compromise here and find something that will satisfy both you and your husband. Good luck.

[ballerinababe]

I think you need to go back to your doctor and ask for a sleep test in an over-night facility. I sympathize with you but I can also empathize with your husband as I'm sure he doesn't want to be responsible for entertaining his sister alone nor would he want to have to have 100% responsibility for the baby for a whole week.

 

Does your sister in law know that you aren't well? Perhaps if you stay at home, she can look after your baby for the most part with the help of your husband and hopefully you'd be able to get some sleep even if its during the day for a few hours.

 

I really think you should be seeing a therapist as well as being observed in a sleep lab because you sound as if you're suffering from postpartum depression.

 

I hope you can compromise here and find something that will satisfy both you and your husband. Good luck.

 

I've seen multiple doctors and I don't have post partum depression. I'm also a health care professional myself and know I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for that. I'm not sure how you jumped to that conclusion, but it is incorrect.

 

I can't relax in my own house with a virtual stranger here. This will be a complete disaster.

 

She knows I've had trouble sleeping but I'm sure doesn't understand what that entails. I can't believe peoples' responses on here.

[Hollyj]

Your husband is incredibly selfish. You really need to instill stronger boundaries!

 

This is so dangerous. You are lucky that you have not been hospitalized. If you don't take care of you, who will take care of your baby.

 

Go to your mother's and try to get back on track.

 

I would also look into more doctors. The sleep study is a good idea.

[ThatwasThen]

I've seen multiple doctors and I don't have post partum depression. I'm also a health care professional myself and know I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for that. I'm not sure how you jumped to that conclusion, but it is incorrect.

I think you should see a therapist to talk about whatever it is that has you unable to sleep whether that be Postpartum or not. You are in need of more then a medical checkup at this point. A hormonal imbalance is usually what causes PPD and you have already said you believe it is your hormones off that is causing your insomnia. See your doctor for a psychological referral and see if you can relax enough to unwind. You sound as tight as a drum in your responses that don't tell you what you want to hear... which of course, is that your husband is an insensitive arse and he should just let you go to your mother's without your baby.

I guess we are all different but leaving my baby for a week would be the last thing I would want to do if a doctor didn't recommend a hospital stay and it couldn't be helped.

 

I can't relax in my own house with a virtual stranger here.

Why are you so uptight about such a thing. She is your sister in law and she's not going to do anything to make you not be able to relax. You said your child is in daycare anyway so it would just be at night that she would be helping out with the baby.

This will be a complete disaster.

Well, yes when you already have made up your mind that it will be. You are not open to anything other then what you want which is troublesome because you are married with a child and that means it's no longer all about you.

See your doctor again and get to the bottom of why you're not sleeping with the help of a therapist and a sleep lab.

 

She knows I've had trouble sleeping but I'm sure doesn't understand what that entails. I can't believe peoples' responses on here.

. Well, without malice, I must say it's hard to understand your responses. You're not open to anything other then what you want to do.

[Seraphim]

Then go to your mom’s . But just be prepared for fallout.

 

This is not about who is right or wrong . This is about finding the best solution for your family and getting your sleep back in order.

 

Really yes ,I would recommend a sleep study because if medications don’t work nothing works nothing works nothing works ...then you need a sleep study .

[MissCanuck]

What advice are you really looking for, OP? You seem to have made up your mind about this already, so go ahead and take the baby to Mom's.

 

I am getting the impression you that you aren't really looking for honest feedback, but rather only want to hear opinions that align with your own.

[j.man]

I gotta agree with TWT. Sounds like your mind is made up. It is a bit perplexing that, given how chronic this has been, it's suddenly coming to a head once sister-in-law is due in town. That some miracle recovery is just on the horizon and somehow a house guest is going to send you back barreling into oblivion.

 

And what's at all sustainable about having a week off from being a mom? You're describing literally having to crawl upstairs, having feelings of vertigo, not being able to lift an infant. You need medical intervention, if for no other reason than inadvertently body slamming your kid while you're holding him because you got too exhausted to stand. I understand you've had two failed medications, but what about beyond that? What did your physician say after the second attempt?

 

I can't tell if you may be writing a bit hyperbolically or if you legit need to be hospitalized. It's difficult to interpret a middle ground here.

 

I don't know your living situation, so I don't want to make assumptions. Is there no spare room in your house, nights one of you is dedicated to watching the kid so the other can be assured a (relatively) uninterrupted sleep? It's difficult to imagine there not having been any sort of workaround between the two of you where now your mother's intervention is a necessity.

 

Look, you know your body better than we do. If this is something you feel you need to do, then do it. You don't need approval from any of us. None of us would lose any sleep over it. It all just sounds incredibly sloppy, which is why I don't think you're getting the level of sympathy I think you'd like to here.

[jimthzz]

Get some rest and do realize that the baby is as much your husband's as yours, btw.

 

It is considered normal to let the close family share in the joy of a new baby.

 

If you need medical attention, then seek it.

 

If your SIL is not awful, then just roll with it. Rely on your husband for baby-care.

 

If you are as sleep deprived as you say that you are, is it possible that your judgment could be off? Something to consider.

 

Get some rest.

[Seraphim]

You might well too consider taking some time off work . As you say if you work as a medical health professional and your judgement is impaired you don't want to make a tragic mistake . So you should probably take some time off and get your health under control .

[DancingFool]

Well I do sympathize with the OP. Her reaction is a lot like a drowning man grabbing onto a straw. When you are desperate, everything seems like maybe the magic solution. Sometimes it might even be true.

 

If you can, then compromise - stay two days, meet sis-in-law, let her meet your child, then head over to your mother's.

 

Get the whole big hostess idea out of your head and be honest with being ill. No doubt that sis-in-law doesn't understand the severity of the situation until she sees it, but she is family and it's OK for her to see that and perhaps offer some help. Look at it as a welcome distraction and not as an imposition on you. Leave your hubby to entertain her. Be around as you can or not. Realize that sometimes a fresh set of eyes can actually be incredibly helpful in identifying an issue that's too close to your nose for you to see. Heck, she might even lay into her brother for needing to be more helpful and understanding toward you. Treat her as your friend, not an invasion by an enemy.

[Hollyj]

I think that you should put your health first - for the benefit of your family - but I have to question why you have waited so long to take a break from the baby?

[Seraphim]

I will say I DO understand insomnia. I have had it since I have been 13 years old. I have troubles falling and staying asleep. My son never slept a full night his first 7 years of life ( he has autism, many are not good sleepers and he would sleep walk nightly) I get it.

 

Going through and being on the other side of menopause made my sleep worse.

 

However, you NEED to find a solution. And when this desperate I agree you will grab at anything. I was put on a medication once gave me serotonin syndrome and I didn't sleep for close to 20 days almost beyond a few hours here and there . And I swear to God I was going to go absolutely bat crap crazy like running around screaming bat crap crazy or die.

 

What you are describing NEEDS medical intervention.

[Capricorn3]

If you can, then compromise - stay two days, meet sis-in-law, let her meet your child, then head over to your mother's.

 

Get the whole big hostess idea out of your head and be honest with being ill. No doubt that sis-in-law doesn't understand the severity of the situation until she sees it, but she is family and it's OK for her to see that and perhaps offer some help. Look at it as a welcome distraction and not as an imposition on you. Leave your hubby to entertain her. Be around as you can or not. Realize that sometimes a fresh set of eyes can actually be incredibly helpful in identifying an issue that's too close to your nose for you to see. Heck, she might even lay into her brother for needing to be more helpful and understanding toward you. Treat her as your friend, not an invasion by an enemy.

 

I second this post. She IS his sister. If your mother is allowed to come over, why can't his sister? She is family too. Explain what's going on and she (most people) would understand and give a helping hand. She's not some kind of monster there to cause you grief and upset.

 

That said, if sleep medication has not helped then you need to go the next level (sleep study) to find a solution because if your reaction is this severe that you can barely take care of your baby or handle a visitor coming, then it's completely out of control. Your marriage will also suffer and not last.

(And yes, trust me, I fully understand insomnia, I have suffered from chronic insomnia for over 30 years. I have no idea what sleep means, what it feels like to actually sleep. For me, it has become normal).

[annie24]

I agree with the previous poster - have you gone in for an overnight sleep study? I would get that done. I found out I had sleep apnea.

 

I actually see the sister's visit in a positive light. I'd actually just give husband and the sister the baby, tell them to take her to the zoo, to the park, library, anywhere, who cares. Get everyone out of the house and have some time to sleep for yourself. I'd just tell sis-in-law that you're happy to finally meet her, but this is bad timing, you're not well and are trying to get a handle on your illness, if she can help with the baby, that would be fabulous.

[Batya33]

I agree with the previous poster - have you gone in for an overnight sleep study? I would get that done. I found out I had sleep apnea.

 

I actually see the sister's visit in a positive light. I'd actually just give husband and the sister the baby, tell them to take her to the zoo, to the park, library, anywhere, who cares. Get everyone out of the house and have some time to sleep for yourself. I'd just tell sis-in-law that you're happy to finally meet her, but this is bad timing, you're not well and are trying to get a handle on your illness, if she can help with the baby, that would be fabulous.

 

yes, I was thinking this too and years ago I posted here about new mom insomnia (admittedly not as bad as yours but almost!). I have worked incredibly hard to get good sleep back in my life, lots of trial and error -and very little resort to meds - a few tylenol PM over the years.

 

I would be very kind and firm with his sister- woman to woman. Tell her "I am so glad you are visiting and so excited to have you meet your niece. I am in pretty bad shape because I am extremely sleep deprived and at a point where I might need to get serious medical intervention. So, while I would love to entertain you and be a great hostess I can't really do more right now than open my home to you- please help yourself to what you need or want and I'm sure your brother will show you around"

 

Then, you find a place in your home where you can have relative quiet and sleep if sleep works out for you. If you're not already doing this, buy a comfy eye mask (I use tempurpedic) even if it is dark in the room already. Try a weighted blanket or a heavy blanket in a cool room. Check out Weil's 4-7-8 breathing and practice it even during the day so when you need it it will be a resource. Figure out something really boring that you can tell yourself step by step in your head -the same thing every time whether it's how to make chicken soup or do laundry or scrub a floor the right way. I have something like that and it's like an on off switch now -if I even start down that path I'm falling asleep. Try the sleepwithme podcast.

 

And before you get upset with me because you're so damn tired and what I'm saying is too simple or cliche or duh of course you've tried all that -I'm not saying this is a permanent solution but it might help a little -or a lot- just for the time she is visiting. If I can offer any more tips please PM me and we can chat. I get it.

 

But it is important to be kind and gracious - and then also be vulnerable. Unless she's evil she'll get it. You can do this.

[reinventmyself]

Outside of the original.cause of the insomnia, it sounds like it's being compounded by sleep anxiety.

It becomes a viscous cycle.

You have legitimate trouble sleeping and then get anxious that you may not sleep. It's close to impossible to sleep when you're worried and anxious about it. Rinse and repeat.

I know because I struggle with something similar.

I agree with the others. A sleep study and as much as you don't want to hear it, therapy may be in order to quell the anxiety and give you tools to learn to get out of this cycle.

It's Interesting that you are convinced that some time away from your husband and the baby is the answer, yet the problem exists outside of you, or your hormones.

But therapy is out of the question.

I do understand that having houseguests at this time probably adds to the anxiety and frustration.

I don't think one or the other is wrong but you'll need to continue to work on a solution or compromise.

[sophie274]

Could the sister stay at a hotel - even for part of the time - so at least you don't have to worry about hosting her in your house? I'm sure that if your husband explains the situation to her (and perhaps helps cover the cost), she would understand, and hopefully that could lower some of the stress of the visit.

 

In that vein, perhaps you can think of the aspects of her visit that are stressful for you (whether it's unreliable schedule, or having someone in your house, or getting to know someone new, or having to go out with her, etc, etc) and think of some ways to structure her visit so that it's less stressful for you? Having her stay at a hotel as I mentioned above, or making a schedule for the days she is there, or building in time where she + husband + baby are out of the house and you can relax, that sort of thing ...

 

Insomnia is absolute torture, and I can't even imagine how tired you must be. I hope you get some resolution soon. Like other posters, I can see your husband's point of view and why he doesn't understand the importance of you going away this week vs any other week, which is why I was thinking about ways to make the visit less stressful.

[yatsue]

Also as a health professional, you are in the right for protecting your own health. Lack of sleep for so long obviously causes health problems and can take years off of your life.

 

Have you tested your thyroid yet? It can be related to your hormonal imbalance and can cause such extreme insomnia, as well as not being able to relax. Your elevated blood pressure and heart rate correlates to this too.

 

If you haven't already, I would check for hyperthyroidism. This is very deadly, if you have it. I would even suggest to stay at your mother's, if it's the only thing that helps, until you shed some light on this. It is too acute to be ignored. Something is triggering it.

[itsallgrand]

Neither of you is wrong, it's the stress of difficult times. I'm betting you both love and care about each other very much, and neither of you is intending to hurt each other's feelings. Yet both your feelings are hurt, so it's important to address it as a team.

 

You are exhausted beyond reason, and something has to give. I honestly suggest finding a different solution than leaving while his sister is there. It's very important to him. Others have given great advice on how you might deal with that so it's not so you will not feel like you are sacrificing your health to do so.

 

Your health is an ongoing issue that needs resolving. What immediately sprang to my mind is a leave of absence from work. You've expressed a personal need for time away to begin the recovery process. You'd like to stay with your mother for a time. I understand work is important. But the state you are in is a legit reason to take leave. It's impossible that your work isn't being seriously compromised by this severe sleep deprivation. And your work at home, as a caregiver and as a partner.

This isn't a failing on your part! It's part of being human. Sometimes you need to stop and take care of yourself first.

 

That's just one other suggestion. And I'm sure you've bounced it around before. You sound though at a 'I can't take anymore or do this anymore' point. Family can be a landing pad for that.