I want to break up, but my girlfriend is depressed. Pease help.

[r350]

Please help*

 

Me and my gf have been together two years, but as of the last month or so, I have little to no desire to continue this relationship.

 

It’s almost as though I’ve lost myself and want to explore myself more, make future plans, go to university eventually and just generally move forwards - without her.

 

The trouble is, I’m 99.9% certain she has depression and 100% she has anxiety. Plus we live together and me moving out would involve me (a) leaving her with all the rent to pay on her own (b) taking my TV / PlayStation and other important furnishings and © just generally leaving her on own - which all fills me with a monumental amount of guilt.

 

To add to the complexity of the situation, she’s pretty much been begging me to re consider and ‘work things out’ - (I feel we’ve worked to our end). I almost wish she’d get with somebody else so it would make my decision 100x easier..

 

While I’ve said ‘I’m unhappy/I need to be happy/Do you think there’s any hope for us, etc, I haven’t explicitly said ‘It’s over’, because I have a hunch she would sink yet deeper, sleep more into the day than she does, see less people than she already struggles to see, and that fills me dread and sadness.

 

What do I do?

[RedDress]

You break up with her.

 

She survived for many years before she met you. She will survive after you are gone.

 

Dragging things out will not make things easier. It’s like pulling off a band-aid. The quicker, the better. It will hurt, but the longer you drag things out the worse it will be. I’m sure her friends and family will rally by her side.

 

The ONLY thing is - are you on the lease? When is the lease up for renewal? If you are on the lease, you may be (legally) obligated to pay your share unless she can find a roommate or something.

 

To be perfectly honest, when I broke up with my ex that I lived with and rented with many years ago, I simply timed it with the end of the lease (a few months beforehand so that we could make our own separate plans).

 

... but the sooner, the better.

[reinventmyself]

When you agree to move in with someone, you take all the risks into consideration. This is the biggest one. -It didn't work out.

So many things in life are not certain and this is one of them.

I appreciate the fact that you are concerned. It's a good quality.

But staying in a situation you clearly do not want to be in is detrimental to both of you. You are not doing anyone any favors.

What you can do is help offset the burden financially in any way you can afford too.

That's about all you can do.

[LDJ]

You have some work to do, you are having trouble setting a reasonable boundary that is important to your own happiness. You are not responsible for the happiness or the mental health of someone else. You have a responsibility to be fair and recognize that this will create disruption and financial stress, so the decent thing to do is to work with her to make that transition as smooth as possible, maybe helping her find another place, maybe staying until a sublet could be arranged or something like that. You will have to accept as well that this will be awkward and difficult, it will be uncomfortable to tell her you are ending the relationship and from that day until the day you are actually living apart, it will be stressful and uncomfortable. But just because something is stressful or uncomfortable doesn't mean we don't do it. If you try to live life avoiding difficult decision or worse yet deferring your own happiness to that of someone else, you won't really be living your own life. This is your life and no one else's.

[SGH]

You're not doing her any favors by sticking around if you no longer want the relationship with her. Do you know how awful she'd feel if she knew that you thinking you need to take care of her is the only reason you haven't dumped her? I know I would be pissed as hell if someone I was dating stuck around to pseudo-parent me! Guilt is a normal emotion to feel when you end a relationship, but don't convince yourself she can't survive without you. Heck, she may even end up being better off! (I mean, don't we all deserve a partner who loves us?)

[Keyman]

So, what is the other option? You stay, you try to make it work but get sucked into her downward spiral. You develop resentment for her. Time goes by and the resentment builds to monumental proportions until after another year, two, you finally are done with it and move out. Then you look back and wonder why you dragged it out for another 2 years.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you've already discussed breaking up. How long have you lived together? Whose name is the lease in? How long left on the lease? Where did you /she live before you moved in together? Do you both work? Do either of you attend university now? How old is she? Can she move back home to her parents?

 

Unfortunately this has been in a steady decline since moving in together with diminished sex, diminished interaction, etc. It seems you are both struggling to hang on as roommates, but the romance end died.

 

The furnishing is not the issue, people survive just fine without video game consoles and sofas. The issue is not her presumed mental health issues. Those are in fact better treated by a qualified professional than a live-in bf sticking around dragging things out. You are not responsible for her inertia, depression, whatever. You are only responsible for being a decent fair person.

 

The issue is the relationship is dead in the water. Discuss fair and practical ways to sever this relationship and living arrangement. It's best for you and best for her as well. Keep it practical and unemotional. Decide who moves out, who pays what, who keeps what, etc. If you move out (and you cosigned a lease or sublet) you are responsible for the remainder of your end of the lease, not her. She can get a roommate as soon as you give her proper 30 whatever days notice. Which you must also do. Pay up your end of whatever joint bills. Sever all accounts.

 

You both already know it's over so don't beat that dead horse. Focus on fairly and legally severing this living arrangement. Don't stick around for your own reasons but blame her for feeling trapped.

I’ve lost myself and want to explore myself more, make future plans, go to university eventually and just generally move forwards - without her.

 

we live together and me moving out would involve me (a) leaving her with all the rent to pay on her own (b) taking my TV / PlayStation and other important furnishings and © just generally leaving her on own

 

she’s pretty much been begging me to re consider and ‘work things out’

[r350]

So, what is the other option? You stay, you try to make it work but get sucked into her downward spiral. You develop resentment for her. Time goes by and the resentment builds to monumental proportions until after another year, two, you finally are done with it and move out. Then you look back and wonder why you dragged it out for another 2 years.

 

 

I’ve been there before. I was with my ex for 4 years. That should’ve ended 6 months after we met and ended nothing but a fling, but it was dragged out by both parties ending in bitter resentment, unfaithfulness and general bad vibes. That shapes my thought process going forward and makes me wary about plodding on for the sake of it and just wasting time essentially..

[r350]

I’m speaking to her about it now and she just keeps saying ‘I’ve made my position clear, I want to try to make it work, but if you don’t, then you need move out and help me move on’.

[reinventmyself]

I’m speaking to her about it now and she just keeps saying ‘I’ve made my position clear, I want to try to make it work, but if you don’t, then you need move out and help me move on’.

 

OK . . Get busy with a plan

[MissCanuck]

I’m speaking to her about it now and she just keeps saying ‘I’ve made my position clear, I want to try to make it work, but if you don’t, then you need move out and help me move on’.

 

Listen to her.

 

I get that you don't want to cause her pain, but there's really no way around that when a break-up isn't mutual. Living under the same roof when you no longer want to be together is ultimately going to hurt her more, so you do need to start planning where to go and how this move will carry itself out logistically.

[Capricorn3]

I’m speaking to her about it now and she just keeps saying ‘I’ve made my position clear, I want to try to make it work, but if you don’t, then you need move out and help me move on’.

Well, there you go. If ever there was a clear answer, it's this one. You DON'T want to work it out anymore, you don't want this relationship anymore, so move out.

If you stay, that's on YOU. Do not blame it on her depression. She's pretty much given you the go ahead to leave. Now leave.

[ninjabib]

YOu must end this for both of your sakes. If you stay with her out of pity or guilt it will destroy her even more further down the line than it would now. You know what you have to do.

[catfeeder]

Negotiate to feel better. Nobody says you 'must' take any furnishings that you could otherwise leave for her, and you can supplement her rent for a month or two. From there, the rest is on her. She's an adult, she can get treatment, she can find more suitable living arrangements--that's the stuff that's on each of us regardless of who breaks up with us.

 

Head high, and don't talk yourself into believing your own spin on unnecessary barriers to freedom.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, sounds fair. Move out (but it's her job to "move on"). You've got 30 days to move out now that she's given you notice. Start working on that. Sever whatever financial ties and start looking for places.

she just keeps saying ‘I’ve made my position clear, I want to try to make it work, but if you don’t, then you need move out

[r350]

Yeah. It’s just so hard man. I think it’s because down the years I’ve been accustomed to being the dumpee, as opposed to the dumper, so to speak.

 

To completely sever, is leaving me with a huge conscience, she’s even asking me to come for a walk with her, if she can cook for me, if we can talk about things - all to attempt to salvage what’s left. Which multiplies my guilt ten fold.