Jump to content

Girlfriend doesn't know if she still loves me like she once did


vmaypa

Recommended Posts

So I know I've been posting a lot for advice, but about two weeks ago my girlfriend and I have argued on and off for the past 2-3 weeks on the phone over small disagreements, which turn into pretty big fights where things would be said that would hurt each other's feelings. There was one point where I told her, during an argument that, "we can't even go three days without arguing on the phone." Now, keep in mind when we're together in person it's a completely different story, we don't argue. The only reason I can figure out why we argue on the phone is because we can't truly see each other's emotions, so she'll most likely take something I said the wrong way, or interpret it wrong.

 

Just this weekend, she calls me and starts crying and say's she doesn't know if she still loves me the way she does, but she doesn't want to lose me. She said that because of all the arguing we did and the things that were said on the phone; she's been questioning herself. She mentioned that she was willing to work things out because she loves what we have, and doesn't want to lose that or me. Also keep in mind, that during the weeks that we argued we only saw each other once a week for maybe two weeks because she was busy with finals and work, and I was busy finishing up my internship for my nursing program, which I just completed. She said she might be feeling this way because of all the arguing and the things that were said, along with us not seeing each other so often during those weeks. The past two days we hung out and spent quality time together and had dinner and she said everything felt fine. She just needed a hug and wanted to be around me, but she did mention that she still had that feeling, but it wasn't as bad.

 

Today, I stopped by her work and brought her breakfast and flowers and while we were eating I asked her if she was still feeling the same way and she said a little. She doesn't like the fact that I've been asking her how she's feeling ever since she mentioned it, so I'm definitely going to stop before I make things worse. She said that if she appear's happy don't ask, because asking only stresses her out and makes her feel anxious around me.

 

Is this a good or bad thing that I'm currently dealing with right now? She's willing to make this work and wants us to be together as she's afraid of losing me because of how she is feeling. I just don't know what to do to help. I am trying my best to show that I care and be there for her and by also spending more time with her. I also know that I'm not helping by being worried about asking her how she's feeling everyday. I really love this girl a lot and I want it to work between us. We are completely fine when we're together in person. It's just the phone conversations that I completely hate that basically start the arguments.

Link to comment

Sounds like you're both under stress right now with education and work. If the phone calls are a point of stress right now, tell her you should cut them out and stick to texting a few times a day: Good luck on your test. Just thinking of you and hoping you're having a good day. Let's go to dinner on Friday. (things that can't be misconstrued).

 

See if improvements are made. Hope your holidays are happy.

Link to comment

When we argue on the phone it's because of miscommunication. Either because I can't understand her because she calls me when she gets off from work and starts driving to pick up her daughter, or it's from interpreting things in her own way. There has been some insecurity from her, which has caused me to be insecure back, but I mentioned it to her and have since controlled that and haven't had an issue with being insecure. Other than that, when we see each other in person every thing is fine. We have conversations like we normally do in person, she's really affectionate towards me and grabs my arm and lays her head on my arm and she laughs. I just don't know why she's feeling this way and if it's something to be concerned about. I know all the arguments over the phone and the things that have been said maybe pushed her away, because she said she gets anxiety when she see's me.

Link to comment
So I know I've been posting a lot for advice, but about two weeks ago my girlfriend and I have argued on and off for the past 2-3 weeks on the phone over small disagreements, which turn into pretty big fights where things would be said that would hurt each other's feelings. There was one point where I told her, during an argument that, "we can't even go three days without arguing on the phone." Now, keep in mind when we're together in person it's a completely different story, we don't argue. The only reason I can figure out why we argue on the phone is because we can't truly see each other's emotions, so she'll most likely take something I said the wrong way, or interpret it wrong.

 

Just this weekend, she calls me and starts crying and say's she doesn't know if she still loves me the way she does, but she doesn't want to lose me.

 

Well, when you talk over the phone, all you're doing is talking and if there are incompatibilities or other conflicts then the result is going to be arguments.

 

In person, it's different because there isn't always a lot of talking, you're simply spending time "being" together, whether it's engaging in an activity together, or simply hanging out watching a move, but there isn't always a lot of talking.

 

Also be aware that friends can have an awesome time together in person, one doesn't have to be "in love" or have "feelings" in order to have a good time together, which may explain why you're able to have a good time in person, but not over the phone.

 

So, all that said, my feeling is when one person tells their partner they don't know how they feel, or they're confused about their feelings, or whatever words they wish to use, it means they don't have "feelings" for you anymore which they are perfectly aware of, but don't know how to tell you, so try and soften/cushion it by telling you they're "confused."

 

When I was younger (early 20s) I did this myself and it's really unfair to the other person because it's dishonest and misleading and will leave them (your partner) confused, just like how you feel now.

 

She's not confused OP, she knows exactly how she feels (or doesn't feel); she's just not feeling it anymore and trying to soften the blow.

 

She does appear to be quite attached to you, and feels comfortable with you (like an affectionate friend) which is NOT the same as having feelings, which is why she said she doesn't want to lose you, which I also think is quite selfish on her part, and misleading.

 

I'm sorry I am sure this isn't what you were wanting to hear, but as woman, I can assure you, it's highly doubtful she's "unsure" of how she feels or "confused" - people don't get confused about their feelings, those feelings are either there or there not, and in her case, sorry they're not, otherwise she would not have said what she said, imo.

Link to comment

To add^^ if my boyfriend ever told me he was "unsure" how he felt or "confused" about his feelings, that would be my cue to distance myself or end it, NOT push to spend more time with him.

 

You're leading yourself right into the friendzone by doing that, you want a woman to be crazy about you, missing you, loving you, not telling you she's unsure how she feels about you!

Link to comment
So, all that said, my feeling is when one person tells their partner they don't know how they feel, or they're confused about their feelings, or whatever words they wish to use, it means they don't have "feelings" for you anymore which they are perfectly aware of, but don't know how to tell you, so try and soften/cushion it by telling you they're "confused."

 

I'm sorry I am sure this isn't what you were wanting to hear, but as woman, I can assure you, it's highly doubtful she's "unsure" of how she feels or "confused" - people don't get confused about their feelings, those feelings are either there or there not, and in her case, sorry they're not, otherwise she would not have said what she said, imo.

 

I tend to agree with the above. And I too once did the same with a boyfriend, back when I was young and clueless about how to manage my loss of interest in the relationship.

 

She is obviously having doubts about your relationship, OP. Listen to her and take a step back. It sounds like she is annoyed that you keep asking her if everything is okay again. It's normal to panic inside when a partner tells you they don't know if they love you anymore, and I get that you are hurting and seeking reassurance. But asking her every day if things are alright is not going to help. Take a deep breath and give her some breathing room. See what the next couple weeks bring.

Link to comment

Sounds like she's feeling suffocated. I'd back off rather than ramp up my time with her. If someone ever told me that he doubts whether he loves me, the part about not wanting to lose me would be irrelevant. I'd tell him that I adore him, and that's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. He can take all the time he needs to figure out how he feels. If he ever decides that he loves me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. In the meantime, I wish him the best.

 

It makes no sense to hover around someone who is on the fence. That's smothering, and it breeds contempt rather than love. Isn't that the opposite of the outcome you want?

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

So a few weeks went by and everything was turning out better until we went on vacation for 5 days in Colorado with her 4 year old daughter. She’s been saying I don’t help out or I don’t take the initiative to help. Now keep in mind she’s only said this the week we were in colorado, only because when we went grocery shopping to buy food for us at our Airbnb I didn’t help to unpack the groceries after I had brought them in. I don’t know why I didn’t do it, as I can’t remember but knowing myself I always unpack the groceries at home. She might have told me to watch her daughter while her and her friend did it or I just spaced out and didn’t do it at all. She also mentioned that I’ve been socially awkward around her and her friends that I’m there physically, but not mentally, as if I’m spaced out and high. I don’t see how, because when her friends were over, we were playing a drinking game and I was engaged with everyone. I won’t lie, we did smoke marijuana almost everyday so I can probably see why I was spaced out, but every little thing I did wrong in Colorado, she’s been knit picking and throwing it in my face. She even gave me an ultimatum that I have three months to “be the man she needs” and to socially be there for her or else we’re going to go out separate ways. I want to work it out, but it’s irritating how she think I’m not the man in the relationship. As far as her daughter is concerned, she’s really spoiled and is a mommy’s girl and the whole time in Colorado I basically babysat and carried her daughter where ever we went as the kid doesn’t like to walk due to being spoiled by her mom. And when I mentioned babysat, I watched her kid as she went out to “smoke” with her friends outside. I did mention to her that I felt left out and didn’t enjoy the idea of making me be the “babysitter,” and she apologized. What would you guys do in this situation? End it?

Link to comment

You can't control how she feels or what she does but when you argue and say hurtful things because you "just can't help yourself" or you feel the need to "hit back", realize that permanent damage is being done. You may be ok with all the bickering and name calling but clearly she is not. So if you want a better chance to make this thing work you need to immediately dial it down when there's conflict. Do you know that some people, such as myself, NEVER name call or say hurtful things to their partner? It's just so..unnecessary and hurtful. Why hurt the person you supposedly are in love with?

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

OP, this girl is not the one for you.

 

After all the threads you've created, and all the apparent doubts she has about you, it's clear to the casual observer that this just isn't working. She is already looking for reasons to end it and has been hinting at this for some time.

 

She's given you three months, but I think she's going to end it before that. Sorry, man.

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

I don't know... call me stupid, but we're still together by a thread. I don't know why I want to make this work so much. It's literally at the point where she said, "i don't know if this is working anymore, I just want it to end." So MissCanuck, you were right, but at the same time she keeps telling me she doesn't want it to end, and that she is willing to make this work, but she isn't happy as she used to be. She said she's happy every now and then, but not all the time. So I asked her, why she thinks this won't work anymore and she basically said she has been so stressed out with school, work, and basically has no family support that she think's she won't have time for this relationship, aside from the random arguments SHE starts over stupid little things. I told her, her priorities take precedence over me, so that I didn't care about. I mentioned to her that I'm there to help or support her if she needs it, as what a boyfriend should do right? The arguments lately have been about me "not trying hard enough." For example, yesterday I asked her if she wanted to come over after she gets off from work and she said, "sure, i'll shower with you." So an hour or two before she got off I made sure to clean the house, and I also made dinner just in case. When she got here she said that I didn't "ACT" quickly enough like I wasn't interested in getting int he shower with her or to have sex, because I didn't have the shower already running when she walked in the door........ When, as soon as I get into the house she was texting her sister who was watching her daughter and I didn't want to act as if I was insecure by asking her who she's texting, when initially she came over to shower, but she made the situation awkward by texting someone while I was waiting. Right after she finishes texting her sister, she barely steps into the bathroom and say's, "babe I have to go." She basically said, I didn't act quick enough in the "mood" and that I didn't have the shower already running when she got there..... Stupid things like this is what she argues about, that "IM NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH," when in fact I am. Please tell me what I'm doing wrong or what I can do to try and save this relationship...

Link to comment

I'll say it again:

It makes no sense to hover around someone who is on the fence. That's smothering, and it breeds contempt rather than love. Isn't that the opposite of the outcome you want?

 

Sticking around just prompts this woman to raise more ridiculous hoops for you to jump through so she can say, "You didn't jumps fast or high enough..."

 

I'd rather reach for my best dignity and tell her that the hoop jumps are over. If she ever decides that she can value you enough for who you are, she knows how to reach you. If you're still available then, you'll consider catching up.

 

Respect yourself. It's the ONLY way to 'win' respect from anyone else, and without respect, the relationship is just a downward spiral into kicking-the-dead-horse territory.

Link to comment

Why on earth do you want to stay in this miserable situation?

 

Yeah, yeah, she's wonderful and perfect most of the time. Blah blah blah.

 

She has zero respect for you and shows it clearly.

 

Sticking around being a doormat will make her feel MORE contempt for you, not less.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...