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My boyfriend threw me across the room...was it my fault?


De Tourvel

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hello everyone,

 

somehow my relationship has been deteriorating now that his gone. His last words to me was "I hate you and I don't want to ever see you again!" and "You psycho B----(definition is female dog)!!" I guess your wondering why he said that. Here's my story.

 

I was waiting all night for him to visit me and he finally came. We were watching "Flavor of Love: charm school" and was having a relaxing night. His phone rang and it was his ex-girlfriend. I deleted his ex-girlfriends number out of his contact list because I really don't want him or her talking. I gave him his cell and her name wasn't on it, so he said "Dunno the number..." I told him it was her, but he said "No, that's impossible I have her in my contact list..." I confessed that I deleted it because I was angry at the fact she is still in our life. He got angry. He felt betrayed and violated.

 

I said please its such small problem and lets move on because the number can be retrieved. He said I have to go and I said don't i have been waiting for you all night. I blocked his way, kneeling for forgiveness, crying, and begging to not go, and stay because the problem is solvable. His anger was accumulating and in his frustration he threw the pillow at me, started hitting my bed, and ruining the neatly folded comforter. He dragged me and shouted "Let me leave!!!! I want my space to be away from you!!" I asked "why are you angry over a number?" (in tears and crying). In his frustration he grabbed my arm and threw me accross the room. I rolled and hit my face in the wall and I started bleeding. He has never done this before. He came charging again and I saw his hand made a fist and I said in my head his going to hit me, but no...he left as quickly as he could. I said "I want my old boyfriend back, andrew!" (his name is not andrew, but lets pretend it is for now.) I said "I want the old you back who doesn't hurt me or makes me cry...."

 

I never saw him again. I miss him soo...much. My mother comforted me in her own asian way by being honestly blunt which didn't help at all. I was sad and i don't know what to do. My question is What should I do now? Should I wait for him? Was I wrong in this situation? Was he right to hurt me physically for not giving him space? He wasn't like this...and somehow became very cold and bitter after a year. Help me pelase...I'm crying right now. This staretd when he started just pushing me, now I am very appauled that he made me bleed. Advice please.

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Honey, him leaving is the best thing that could have happened to you.

 

There is NEVER ANY EXCUSE for physical abuse. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. Normal and responsible people talk about problems or things that bother then, they don't hit their significant other.

 

Heal from this, but do NOT take this guy back no matter what he says or does.

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It is the same principle. Don't justify it as an accident. First he dragged you accross the room. Then he threw you accross the room. That isn't an accident. He did it from anger and rage and he lost control of himself.

 

And he'd do it again.

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Okay i NEVER advocate violence, but if you were dragging onto his leg and crying and begging he not go, his pushing you out of the way may have been his only recourse.

 

you had no right to delete a number out of his phone. that is not what people in healthy relationships do. They instead talk to their partner and mention why having the number bothers them, but in the end he has the right to have whatever phone number he chooses. I can kind of understand his anger. You said "I deleted his ex-girlfriends number out of his contact list because I really don't want him or her talking." Do you not see how controlling that sounds? Is he supposed to do your bidding from now on if you don't like something he is doing? You can just decide to violate his privacy and make your own choices?

 

I think you are on your way to a co dependent relationship here, and honestly you probably should let him go on his way and begin to repair your self esteem. I have my ex husbands number in my cell as there are occasions we need to talk. I would be furious if my husband non chalantly said "oh yea, i deleted that number, i didn't want you talking to him".

 

Now if he instead talked to me about it and could rationally explain why it bothered him, i would hear him out and make the best decision for us. I still may not delete the number if his reasons were not rational, but i would hear him out and try to dispell his fears.

 

You were upset that he left saying the problem was solveable. Apparently you did not realize the extent of your violation of his privacy. I don't know how this scene played out exactly, but it sounds like he was very angry and wanted to leave and you were somehow blocking him by grabbing onto his leg, body or something. He may have had no choice but to shove you out of the way. You don't cling and hang onto an angry person. Someone who is very non violent might shove a woman out of the way if he was trying to leave to cool off and she woudln't let him.

 

YOu say he has become cold and bitter. The behavior with erasing the number, do you show jealousy like this often? Have you been controlling him in other ways? If so, you could be helping to push him away. Whatever the reason, you cannot MAKE him behave the way you want you can only break up and repair yourself.

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It is the same principle. Don't justify it as an accident. First he dragged you accross the room. Then he threw you accross the room. That isn't an accident. He did it from anger and rage and he lost control of himself.

 

And he'd do it again.

 

 

Mabye i am reading this wrong, but it appeared he drug her because she was hanging onto his leg pleading and crying for him to stay. I didn't get that he drug her intentionally, more that she wouldn't let him go and was hanging on. My apologies if i read this wrong.

 

If you are hanging onto a person while they are trying to get away, you can expect to be drug if you don't let go and pushed off so they can leave.

 

Explain one more time how he threw you accross the room "accidentally". Were you grabbbing onto him and impeding his leaving? Or were you not touching him and he grabbed you and flung you? Maybe i read it wrong first go thru.

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He had plenty of recourses. He could have simply left. Stepped over her. Called the police if she was hysterical. And so on. There was no reason to resort to violence. I don't follow your logic at all JadedStar.

 

If an angry person is trying to leave a room, and there is a person hanging onto their leg, and they keep walking, that person will get dragged with them. that is what it sounded like to me. And maybe i read it wrong. IF i were furious and someone was hanging onto me blocking me from leaving, i would shove them out of my way.

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He had plenty of recourses. He could have simply left. Stepped over her. Called the police if she was hysterical. And so on. There was no reason to resort to violence. I don't follow your logic at all JadedStar.

 

But didn't she say he was trying to leave and she continued to block him?

 

either way, she should END this relationship.

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he grabbed my arm and threw me accross the room. I rolled and hit my face in the wall and I started bleeding.

 

JadedStar, there is a difference between pushing someone out of the way and throwing someone into a wall so hard they start bleeding.

 

This guy is violent and the OP is much better off without him.

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JadedStar, there is a difference between pushing someone out of the way and throwing someone into a wall so hard they start bleeding.

 

This guy is violent and the OP is much better off without him.

 

I did not see that statement first go round.

 

I hope she ends this. She sounds more upset that he left her and didn't finish the movie then she is about the violence. That is why i suggested she sounds co dependent.

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I didn't read anything about her hanging on his leg. She said she got on her knees and pleaded with him.

 

But didn't she say he was trying to leave and she continued to block him?

 

She was hysterical and crying and begging for him to stay. She wasn't blocking him to be violent. He resorted to physical assault. People don't do that.

 

IF i were furious and someone was hanging onto me blocking me from leaving, i would shove them out of my way.

 

Then you would be a good candidate for an assault and battery charge against you.

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I have been discussing him about his ex girlfriend for many months now, ever since we started dating. He said to to get over it, but I don't feel comfortable. I just ignored saying "well, he said he loves me and stuff..." Months has passed again and I hang-out with them both. I was a third wheel. I saw him so happy with her and I was neglected the whole night. He awnted me and her to be friends, but thats not going to happen because she did tell him beofre that she doesn't like him with me. I have been telling him about his ex-girlfriend for months telling him that I'm uncomfortable, but he ignored me.

 

Yes, it was violation of his trust over the deletion his ex-girlfriends number, but how would you feel if your own boyfriend would discuss with you how much sex they would have (how great it was and where and when), how close they are to each other, and how undertsanding she is, and how she is a major infliuenec in his life EVEN though she slept with his boss ( and left him for another guy). I don't understand how he could forgive such person or even let this person exist in his,life. Wouldn't this hurt you? Wouldn't this lower every self-esteem you have. I feel like I have to compete for his affection and his praise!!!

 

I know that I was wrong that I wouldn't let him have his space. I was holding his leg to not go and pleading to forgive me that I will be obedient and would listen more.Do you know how it fees like driving to your boyfriends house (everytime their s a problem) kneeling in front of the streets at night begging to forgive you for making him angry for small problems like not being able to give him affection because your busy at work and school???? And him pushing you and saying F---(you know the word) you!!!! You know what the worse part is...school and work wasn;t an excuse to him...I should still give it to him no matter what. Even though I'm stressed and tired that I should still not make him neglected. I told him "all you do is work...you don't even go to college anymore...You don't know the pressure!!!" now, with your words of bitterness....your saying that it was my fault and causing this violent act to me. yes, I caused it with his inconsideration of his girlfriend's feelings...he doesn't even understand that him talking about his past sexual acts makes her realize that she's (thats me) will always be 2nd than his ex-gf. I have changed for him by lowering my pride because I noticed sometimes I have to surrender to continue with this relationship. now tell me, Am I really wrong???

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De Tourvel, leave him.

 

No man, especially one who makes you feel worthless and is willing to hit you is worth debasing yourself so much over.

 

You did not cause his actions.

 

He chose his actions.

 

That's all there is to it.

 

He has spent the duration of your relationship making you feel worthless and low. Why do you want to be with him? He'll never change, and he'll never treat you as a worthwhile human being.

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I didn't read anything about her hanging on his leg. She said she got on her knees and pleaded with him.

 

 

 

She was hysterical and crying and begging for him to stay. She wasn't blocking him to be violent. He resorted to physical assault. People don't do that.

 

 

 

Then you would be a good candidate for an assault and battery charge against you.

 

 

No, if someone were forcefully detaining me, they will be removed. And that is what it seemed first read.....when she said she were hanging on him. I misread that.

 

But you are telling me if someone were forcefully holding onto me and not letting me move I am not supposed to push them off of me?

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Baloney. You didn't "cause" his violent act. He chose to commit a violent act against you.

 

What is this "being obedient" business? That is NOT your role. A relationship is about mutual respect and working together. It is not about one person being dominated by another.

 

I don't think you should have gone into his phone and deleted the number. But that act does not justify violence.

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It's hard to judge, not being there to really see what happened.

 

It sounds to me like he almost crossed a line, when he raised his fist towards her.. But he didn't.

 

I too can see how one would be dragged accross the room by holding onto someone's leg. I can also see how one could be pushed out of the way (even accross the room) by blocking someone from leaving.

 

I got into a fight once with an ex boyfriend and I desperately wanted to leave. He wouldn't let me. He to kept blocking me from leaving and holding on to me, trying to make me stay. Trust me, not letting someone leave by trying to physically prevent them from doing so starts something PHYSICAL. You simply cannot trap another person. If I had the strenghth to push him accross the room, trust me, I would have. It felt almost abusive that he was forcing me to stay. But as a female I simply don't have that strength.. So I punched him right where it counts. He went down and I got out of there as fast as I could. I've never felt bad about doing that either and if anyone ever tried to do the same thing as he did I would do it again in a heartbeat. If someone is trying to physically force someone to stay it's only natural that this is going to cause them to physically escape.

 

Think about what happens if you hold onto a cat that wants to get away. You're going to get scratched and that doesn't make the cat a meanie.

 

And unless I'm somehow reading this wrong, it sounds to me like he was trying to escape. It's unfortunate that the OP was hurt but it was due to a struggle she created.

 

I simply feel that a male has the right to defend themselvs, even against a female.

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have been discussing him about his ex girlfriend for many months now, ever since we started dating. He said to to get over it, but I don't feel comfortable. I just ignored saying "well, he said he loves me and stuff..." Months has passed again and I hang-out with them both. I was a third wheel. I saw him so happy with her and I was neglected the whole night. He awnted me and her to be friends, but thats not going to happen because she did tell him beofre that she doesn't like him with me. I have been telling him about his ex-girlfriend for months telling him that I'm uncomfortable, but he ignored me

 

Hon, do you really think that staying with him will make his feelings change? No i would not be at all happy iwth the situation you describe with the ex, and would leave the guy. I understand that you love him and want to make him love you back, but you can't.

 

Please do not take him back. It sounds like his love has abated and emotinally he has moved on already. You are going to get yourself into serious trouble if you stay with him and him being bitter with a bad temper. Bad combo.

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I simply feel that a male has the right to defend themselvs, even against a female.

 

There's defence, and then there is excessive force. When he made her bleed, because she was in his way, that's excessive.

 

The OP was not even attacking him. He was perfectly capable of getting away with out throwing her into a wall.

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I got into a fight once with an ex boyfriend and I desperately wanted to leave. He wouldn't let me. He to kept blocking me from leaving and holding on to me, trying to make me stay. Trust me, not letting someone leave by trying to physically prevent them from doing so starts something PHYSICAL. You simply cannot trap another person. If I had the strenghth to push him accross the room, trust me, I would have

 

Thank you for getting what I was trying to say. After reading thru more it appears this may not be what happened in her case, but waht you described above is exactly how I thought it played out, and if someone forcefully detained me as you described your b/f did you, you can best believe I will use whatever force necessary to get them off of me. The hanging on and detaining is also violence.

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