second chances

[Kiaara217]

I have known this person for about 20years. We have worked together for 15 of those. A few yrs ago, he was separated from his wife and I was single. I fell for him because we just click like none else I have with before. I noticed he was starting to become a little distant. We were seeing each other for a couple months and I let him know how I felt. I did not sleep with him He apologized profusely and said he is going to try and work things out with his wife. He has 3 kids. I was heartbroken and had to see him every day at work. I learned to accept it and did my best to try and move on. We still talked initially here and there just friendly stuff. I got another position and didn’t have to see him as much and the contact dwindled down.

 

Fast forward 1.5 yrs later and he was telling me it feels like I hate him and can we still be friend. I said I don’t hate you but I need to stay away from you. Then it was still friendly but professional at work.

 

Fast forward months after that.. he approached me and told me he was so sorry and just wants me to forgive him. He had to go back home for the kids and it’s not about his wife. They are in separate bedrooms and are not in love anymore. He asked me if there is ever going to be another chance for us. I told him no and that I am in a good place and that I was devastated but I moved past it.

 

The problem is , I haven’t. I have been so sad since this happened and I can’t seem to shake it. I think about him all the time and I am always wondering what if. I just don’t know if he is sincere and really wants to make it right or is just looking for a soft place to fall.

He has started to be cold to me one day and friendly the next. It’s almost like his emotions are up and down. I just don’t say anything to him anymore because i won’t talk to someone who acts like they don’t want to talk to me..

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he is probing to see how desperate and game you are to have an affair. You would be better off being polite, professional and nothing less, nothing more. Also have you recently broken up with someone? Why is this thing even appealing to you? You need to have more friends, dates, interests etc outside of work so you are not this focused on this guy and his drama.

[happyfrank]

He is married with 3 kids. Even if he broke up with his wife. He wouldn't have time for you.. You should find somebody single like you.

 

Good luck!

[Eliza50]

The problem is not that he acts like he doesn't want to talk to you but that he's married. The separate bedroom story/I'm there because of the kids is one of the oldest excuses in the book. What kind of 'second chance' would a married man be interested in and how could he 'make it right'? Keep your distance from him. He's trouble.

[DancingFool]

Really.....it's not obvious to you that this dude is trying to line you up as his affair partner/side chic...and successfully did so before?

 

I mean really, the whole "oh we are separated, well I have to go back for the kids (maybe wife got a whiff of his affair or came too close), oh we are not sharing a bedroom and we are only staying married for the kids" has got to be the oldest bs on the books. Seriously....you think kids wouldn't notice the dysfunction in the home of the fact that mom and dad are sleeping in separate bedrooms and just totally think it's normal? Seriously?

 

Honey, more likely he is a cheating lying loser who already duped you once and hopes to do it again.

 

If you want a relationship, find a man who is actually single. Don't be a fool. Also, just what kind of a partner do you think a cheater will make or do you really believe the evil wife bs and that you are sooo special that surely he won't cheat on you. He already showed you his lack of character - open your eyes.

[melancholy123]

Find a guy who is truly available, not a guy who says he went home for the sake of the kids and sleeps in a bedroom separate from his wife. That's one of the oldest lines in the book. He's looking for a bit on the side, so please dont be that woman.

[Rose Mosse]

His emotions probably are up and down. This is what you're going to get for as long as he's in this tough situation with his other commitments (family, wife etc). Despite what goes on in his marriage or whether someone is taken or not, it's a good idea to look at the overall situation and determine whether that person is ready for a relationship at all.

 

There are plenty of single and available individuals who aren't ready for relationships either. Look at the bigger picture. Unfortunately I know how hard it is after you've fallen into a pattern of being affectionate for someone. Be kind to each other and distance/limit your contact with this person.

 

You owe it to yourself most of all.

[Kiaara217]

The house has been for sale for months

[Kiaara217]

You’re right. However his house has been up for sale for months.

[DancingFool]

You’re right. However his house has been up for sale for months.

 

......OK...and? What does that prove exactly? You've never heard of married couples deciding to sell their home for all kinds of reasons, like because they want to move to a different area, buy a bigger house, profit off the house they are selling and buy another one for less.....surely not that....

 

Sweetie you are grasping at straws to the point of pathetic.

 

Look, getting involved with a cheater is like reaching into a toilet, pulling out a floating turd and yelling that you found a golden nugget. Do not be that delusional. It's embarrassing.

[Kiaara217]

I wouldn’t go as far to say “pathetic” and “delusional”. I am stating a fact to answer the poster.

[Wiseman2]

So? Lots of people sell houses. That does not translate to "I am divorcing and wish to start dating you". And of course most cheaters are "emotionally separated". Don't believe lines. Get on dating apps and get out more.

However his house has been up for sale for months.

[DancingFool]

I wouldn’t go as far to say “pathetic” and “delusional”. I am stating a fact to answer the poster.

 

OK, then what? What do you call a woman who buys bs a married man tells her and engages in an affair with him, not to mention, considers doing it again? I don't want to flame you, I want you to wake up and face reality that this man is a low life who is not and has never been what you imagine him to be.

 

If you want a real loving relationship, then find a man who is actually single AND honest. You are wasting your emotions on this loser.

[catfeeder]

People who are susceptible to married people don't have enough going on in their own lives. Change that, and render the guy irrelevant. Indulging in fantasies about someone who's not even positioned to fulfill them won't buy you anything but more heartache and stagnation. Is that how you want to live?

 

It's a decision.

[SoulTaker]

Fast forward 1.5 yrs later and he was telling me it feels like I hate him and can we still be friend. I said I don’t hate you but I need to stay away from you. Then it was still friendly but professional at work.

 

The problem is , I haven’t. I have been so sad since this happened and I can’t seem to shake it. I think about him all the time and I am always wondering what if. I just don’t know if he is sincere and really wants to make it right or is just looking for a soft place to fall.

 

You did the right thing in taking the mature route and keeping your distance. Don't live someone else's life, which you would be doing by agreeing to his crazy antics.

 

As far as not being able to shake him from your mind, that's easy. Think about the kids who would be hurt by you interfering with his family. Stick with your "belief" system, which has served you well in this situation.