Shock break-up - stuck on ex - don't know how to get closure

[lilac2817]

Hello!

 

I'll try to keep it as short as possible while providing enough details, as I do not want to keep you reading for too long. My ex (M21) broke up with me (F23) 4 1/2 months ago, we were together for 2 years and 2 months. Everything was amazing, he was my first relationship ever, and a serious one at that, he was my first intimate partner (I was his as well), and I was his second serious girlfriend. One year and a half into the relationship, suddenly he tells me that he got scared as he's never had such a long relationship before, and that he didn't know if he was happy anymore and he asked if I think taking a break would help. He was in a time when he had lots of exams and a part-time job and he is not the type of person to be stressed, as he said 'he never felt it in his life'. That night I saw he was very panicked, I tried to talk to him and I told him I'd give him the space he needs if he wants and I'd let him figure out his feelings. I asked if he didn't love me anymore and he said that it wasn't the case. We both cried our eyes out for hours and he stayed over that night, and we agreed to try and sort things out. He was very confused and hurt, just as I was completely shocked and hurt. Three days later, he was the one telling me he loved me again as if nothing happened, and from then on things went absolutely back to the same way they were before that sudden episode.

 

Fast-forward to 7 months later, he was extremely stressed with exams, he barely had time for anything anymore and it was then he told me that it was the first time ever that he felt stressed, and he did not know how to deal with it. I was always supportive about school, as I myself was going through exams and assignments and everything, and I always gave him space (he's a person who needs a lot of space, and texting is not his forté at all and it never was during the relationship) and I tried to be there for him and support him through everything always. After the exam session ended, he came to my house (after we did not see each other for 2 weeks which was a normal thing during exam sessions; we used to see each other during the weekends, not during the week because of school) and he said he wanted to break up, we both cried for hours again...he said he just didn't feel the same as in the beginning of our relationship and he didn't understand why and how it got to that point...he said that for one year and a half I was the one, his soulmate, his other half, he said that I completed him and that he'd do anything for me and be there for me, and then all of a sudden it just didn't feel the same anymore for him. He did not give me a reason whatsoever, I asked if it was something I had done, but he said I was perfect...he also said it's not about someone else in the picture, it's not about anything other than 'I don't feel the same as in the beginning and I don't know why'.

 

So, this is already starting to be really long, but all in all - I have no closure whatsoever up until this day...I am still counting the days passing me by and there hasn't been a single day that I have not thought of him ever since. I truly felt and still feel the same as he did about me, i.e. I love him with all my heart and I truly felt that he was my other half as well. We never fought, we've never had weird/awkward periods throughout the relationship, never...nothing of the sort. We got along amazingly and every aspect of the relationship was just the same. And he confirmed this after the breakup when I tried to ask him again the reason why, and to tell me what I did wrong so that I at least have a reason and closure to grasp, but he said he thought the relationship went well. Ever since we had been in contact on an average of once a week, we also went out as 'friends' (he kept saying he wants us to stay friends, and that he wants to keep in touch, and to see each other once a month, etc.) once but it was incredibly painful for me to take part in such an experience from the 'friend' position. Some other stuff happened as well (intimately) when he drunk texted me one night one month after the break-up. Presently, we have not spoken at all in 2 months and a half, completely NC from both parts, and this whole situation is one of the hardest and most painful things I've ever experienced. It still hurts, I still cry, I miss him, I would like for things to be different...I would like to know what can someone make of this: is this grass is greener syndrome (he started partying like crazy and posting stuff on social media which he never did when we were together, and even before that; he became a completely different person than the one I knew - as cliché as this may sound), or he just didn't want to tell me the true reason he fell out of love because he didn't want to hurt me more in any way? I can honestly tell you that this has completely shocked me, and to this day I am still dealing with forms of denial...I don't know, I cannot find an answer even though I try to find one every single day. I left out some details since it would imply this goes on for way too long, but I hope you get a mostly complete image of the situation. So any opinion, question, and/or experience is appreciated.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post!

[Clio]

Closure is something you get from within NOT from the ex. In your case, it sounds like he was honest about what happened but you have trouble accepting it.

 

He changed. His feelings changed. People change. Especially at his age. He was 19 or younger when you met him and most people go through changes at least until the age of 25 (for men it can be much longer). The timing that your relationship happened for him was not right for a "forever" relationship so it ran its cycle and ended.

 

You are probably confused because you only saw the end result but in reality there was a gradual decline in his feelings that, based on what you wrote, lasted at least 7 months. Your relationship gradually ended its cycle due to his feelings gradually changing. He was too young and not ready to take it to the next level. It was not the right time for him and it might not be for a long time. People mature at different paces and the timing of your relationship in his life was such that did not allow for any further growth.

 

Closure is about accepting what happened. You do know what happened. Your relationship run its course, fizzled and died because his feelings gradually declined. It happens all the time and it was about him not being ready for anything more with you at that time. The End.

 

Having experienced something similar, it may take some time to heal but you will get there. Imo, closure is about letting go the notion that things could have happened any other way than the way they did. Your break up HAS happened and it couldn't have happened any other way. The good news is that you now have the potential of meeting someone who WILL be ready for something more. Good luck.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. He needs to work on himself. I wouldn't overthink his personal situation or the reasons why he let things go so easily. You'll be haunted by it, it will hurt you deeply, you'll look at other dates a little sharply and you'll be wiser in the long run. All in all, this is not a bad experience. It's very hurtful and painful now but that pain won't last forever depending on how you deal with the break up.

 

I'd only suggest limiting contact with him and resisting any urge to snoop on social media if you don't want to block or delete him. Request for privacy from each other and an agreement for mutual privacy regarding your shared friends and any family members whom you're in contact with (ie if you know his family and vice versa). This is the beginning of healthy boundaries and a more respectful way of moving forward.

[Wonder01234]

I’m actually in a similar situation, so I completely understand where you’re coming from. My ex bf also said he doesn’t know why his no longer in love with me like when we first started dating. I was really confuse, hurt and lost, because I loved him so much.

 

Just like mine, your ex started going out more, partying, doing the things he feel he missed out while he were with you. Just like you, I question myself, what happened to the guy I felt in loved with and who is this person in front of me now. At the end of the day, you just have to accept that this is who he is now, he can’t revert back to the 19yrs old guy that you felt in love with. His feelings has changed overtime as he mature. Reality hurt, but the quicker you accept it, the quicker it will be for you to move forward.

 

All I can tell you is, the pain will be there for a while, you will continue to miss him, you will ask why and what if, you will think about the past, questions everything. But believe me, you have to stop questioning and start accepting. You won’t get the answer and if you do, it won’t be what you wanted, and all it does is trap you in this loop of pain and suffering.

 

Try and focus on yourself, hangout with friends and family. I always find keeping busy help a lot, and time will heal all wounds. It doesn’t feel like it now, but it will happen. Just don’t rush into anything, take your time. I do find it is best if you cut all contacts, I know you don’t want to because you’re still holding on to that little hope that he will return, but holding on will cause more harm than good.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. There was nothing wrong with you, him or the relationship. He is simply at the age when freedom and new experiences are important to transition into adulthood. You need that as well. Enjoy your friends, family, interests. Get good grades, focus on your education and future career. Join some sports, teams, clubs and groups. Round yourself out.