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DarlingLisa

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I am looking for advice regarding a dating situation. I am a 43 year old single woman, never married, no children. I tried online dating on and off for two years and had many negative experiences (men only wanting hook ups and lying about it, ghosters, men with emotional and mental illnesses, men with commitment problems, text only pen pals, you got it. So I decided to try to date men I know IRL. There is a man who works in the same building as I do but in an entire different department. He is very friendly and I used to see him A few times a week and we would always talk. One day he brought up being single and a long discussion ensued. Another colleague suggested I consider dating this man as we work in separate departments and he is very nice, attractive etc. I had never considered him then thought why not? I did not know how he felt about me so did the courageous deed of asking him out. We spent an entire day together coffee and dinner and hanging out at the park. I had only suggested we meet for coffee and he was the one who suggested we hang out later and grab dinner etc. He seemed a bit shy outside of work and admitted he was surprised I had asked him out saying I had not appeared interested in him

(Although he never really confirmed that he was interested in dating me prior to me asking). We had a nice time perhaps a few awkward moments but overall we did a lot of talking. He did touch my arm and leg a few times and I hugged him when we parted.

 

No kiss but it seemed like he wanted to. He alluded to some low confidence issues during our talks. I had mentioned I wasn’t looking for a hookup and wanted a financially responsible man who would not ask for monetary loans as I make a pretty good living and have been taken advantage of in past. This just came up during conversation and I recall him saying he had had bad credit in the past over a failed relationship where he had spent a lot of money on his ex. He said he was doing better now and credit had improved. I did not feel

This was an area of concern as he was working to improve his finances. Financially I do make a lot more money than he does and it doesn’t bother me at all but my friends have suggested that he may feel intimidated or threatened by it.

 

He is aware of the approximate income I make and I have never lived a high end lifestyle in fact very simple. Well after this first date I really expected things to progress. We never discussed a second date directly although he did mention some social events he wanted to attend in the near future. I texted him after the date to make sure he got home okay as we were out for about 8 hours and it was late when we left to go home. Then I left him alone and said good night assuming he had other people to talk to or things to do. Since then I have only heard from him via text the few times I initiated convo such as “hey how are you?” And the conversation dwindles fast. He does not appear to really want to text with me. Since the date he has almost disappeared it’s been close to a month and he never seems to stop by anymore like he used to to say hello. Honestly it appears he is avoiding my whole department. I am

Saddened as I know often things don’t work out and sometimes people don’t feel a spark or connection and they don’t wish to proceed with a second date. I know he wasn’t dating anyone else in fact he complained often of being single for a long time and using dating apps too to try to meet women. But I am sad that now things are awkward like this. He did not ghost me and will answer my texts but he never initiates nor does he seem willing to carry on much conversation. I guess I expected he would have been flattered as I consider myself a sweet, caring person who is pretty attractive and in good shape. I have my life together my own home etc.

 

I don’t know if he’s intimidated by me as my friends claim I am out of his league. For me a man with a kind heart who wants an actual relationship means more to me than his earning potential or a bit of balding on his head. I wish I had been given the opportunity to go out a few more times and get to know him better and really judge if we could be a fit. Do I just ask outright hey I never see you around anymore did I scare you off? It’s OK if he doesn’t want to date but it would be nice to remain on a friendly level without awkwardness and avoidance of each other. I actually miss chatting with him. I don’t know how to handle things to let him

Know it’s ok if he doesn’t like me romantically but I would like to remain friends. Also, there is also the possibility he thinks he blew it with me for some reason and that I’m the one who is not interested (being he has low confidence issues). Help!

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Imo, for whatever reason he does not want to date you. I would not ask about scaring him off. If you happen to bump into him in person just be friendly as if none of this ever happened. However, at this point I would stop all the messaging and he may or may not slowly come around on his own and carry on with your old friendship.

 

In the future you may want to hold off mentioning your money situation and requirements so soon. For a first date it was too much too soon imo. Boundaries like that are meant to be silently upheld if needed rather than spelled out like that. He probably felt emasculated by all the disclaimers and money inequalities surfacing from the get go.

 

First dates are not meant to be treated like business negotiations imo. To me it all got too heavy too fast and that may have been offputing as he found himself discussing his weaknesses right from the get go. Being warned like that and made to feel inferior, even by accident, probably killed the romantic mood.

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I find it a little odd that on a first date you tell him you are not looking for a hookup nor a man that’s going to ask you for a monetary loan??

I can only imagine that he felt like he was in an interview and not on a date?

 

He possibly felt compelled to tell you about his bad credit.

 

And then you message him asking if he got home ok? Unless he left from your home that seems a little funny to me!??

 

Maybe he does think you are out of his league on a financial scale since you were the one that brought up finances essentially?

 

I sense he is not interested in dating you but is a nice polite man and therefore does not ignore your messages.

 

It’s not really an awkward situation, but I think perhaps it’s best to stop the texting or it could become one?

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If he's not asking you out within a week or two at most (or even days), he's not attracted to you, or has mental problems. If my date texted me after the date, and I liked her, I would have replied, "Let's do it again next week!" Simple, right?!

 

You did well. Dating is, to some extent, a numbers game, and not for the faint of heart. You never know who will be attracted to you. So wash, rinse, and repeat - date a new man.

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I think the only thing awkward was he may have felt awkward when it came to you two being in different financial situations. If he’s coming from a place of debt, the last thing he wants to feel is burdened by it being rubbed in his face. You may not have meant to do it unintentionally, but my guess is he’s not asking you out because of that.

 

I would definitely learn from this experience and move onto another guy. Maybe a guy better financially situated like yourself.

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Hi Lisa, like others, I also think he was put off by the discussion about financial requirements.

First dates should be breezy and fun. I know that some people in our age think we have no time to waste but there is no point of pressing a fast forward button. You will skip the sweetest part of the dating.

Also, like others mentioned, you came across quite masculine ( please don't feel offended) talking about money and asking him if he got home safe would make a man feel like a boy.

You invited him out and that was already enough initiative to show interest. The rest you should just leave with him and see if this will unfold naturally.

You may feel it is awkward cause he works in your building and this is always a risk when things don't pan out as we wish.

Maybe he is not your man.

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I agree with lilimichelle and irka. If he is that "low confidence" that after you asking him out and spending an entire day with him he's not confident enough to ask you to grab lunch do you really want to be with a person who's that scared of his own shadow?

 

I also wanted someone financially stable at least since I was -when I was dating. I would not have approached the subject as you did and agree with Irka00 and Lilimichelle on that one. I did have dates where my date figured out from my job description and where I lived that I was doing well and some asked prying questions -I just didn't like that whole type of discussion or topic for an early date. In your case he probably did feel pretty inferior after what you decided to share.

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I agree with lilimichelle and irka. If he is that "low confidence" that after you asking him out and spending an entire day with him he's not confident enough to ask you to grab lunch do you really want to be with a person who's that scared of his own shadow?

 

I also wanted someone financially stable at least since I was -when I was dating. I would not have approached the subject as you did and agree with Irka00 and Lilimichelle on that one. I did have dates where my date figured out from my job description and where I lived that I was doing well and some asked prying questions -I just didn't like that whole type of discussion or topic for an early date. In your case he probably did feel pretty inferior after what you decided to share.

 

She asked him out. He obviously wasn’t gold digging.

 

I don’t believe he has low confidence, I sense it’s the other way around.

 

She knew before she asked him out that he earned less than her, she also knew that he would know approximately what she earned.

 

Who would then talk money???? In that scenario???

 

He went out with her with the assumption she might be interested yet on the date she made it clear to him that money was at the forefront of her mind.

He bailed.

 

She treated him like an online first meet. He didn’t like it. And he never even asked her out? Yet was treated like a minor.

 

Sorry OP, I hope my comments make sense?

And something you can understand?

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She asked him out. He obviously wasn’t gold digging.

 

I don’t believe he has low confidence, I sense it’s the other way around.

 

She knew before she asked him out that he earned less than her, she also knew that he would know approximately what she earned.

 

Who would then talk money???? In that scenario???

 

He went out with her with the assumption she might be interested yet on the date she made it clear to him that money was at the forefront of her mind.

He bailed.

 

She treated him like an online first meet. He didn’t like it. And he never even asked her out? Yet was treated like a minor.

 

Sorry OP, I hope my comments make sense?

And something you can understand?

 

I never thought he was a gold digger in the least -he seems like a good person. I think she created a really awkward situation in the way she discussed financial situations, including hers.

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I never thought he was a gold digger in the least -he seems like a good person. I think she created a really awkward situation in the way she discussed financial situations, including hers.

 

Agreed!!

It was more about his apparent low confidence that I was responding to however I realise you put that in inverted commas.

 

I think his “low confidence” was more a lack of interest than anything else.

 

And really , who could blame him??

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If you had teardrop tattoos on your face for the number of gang kills you've had, that would be intimidating. But going on and on about finances on a date is just simply annoying. From how you go on about it in this post, he clearly got more than an earful about that. This would be dull for anyone especially for almost an entire day. You may want to have quick dates in the future if this type of conversation is your style. In any case, from his polite but distant actions afterwards, he clearly is not interested in you. Done.

 

It appears that as you go on in life, you are creating reasons for being single and probable dating misses. You have a choice - feel good about your finances and self-appreciation of looks while being content with continuing to be unsuccessful with dates as a result. Or when you meet future guys, don't conduct the date like an interview. Instead try to relate to the other person, establish a connection that will have you both want to return for another date or continue contact.

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You're both on different wavelengths... let it be. This person isn't on the same page. I'm like you and don't have a problem discussing any issues on a first date. I'd rather have out with it than find out months or years down the line there is some issue with his credit for example. Don't take it personally. You're an openminded and caring person for accepting him and enjoying his company regardless of anything else. Nice touch messaging after the date. That's just how you roll. I wouldn't do that for anyone unless I cared. You cared. Find someone with the same initiative as you.

 

I wouldn't push for a friendship with this person or take on his personal issues if he doesn't want to speak with you. He is his own person. Let him be. If he wants to speak with you he knows where to find you.

 

I think you're having the same trouble filtering and screening people online as you do in real life, if you don't mind me saying. Online dating works if you know how to look. Take it easy and meet new people.

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Good for you for taking the initiative and asking him out!

 

The easy go-to explanation for something like this is always "he just wasn't that interested." I would take it a little further and say that some of these guys (and maybe gals too but we're talking about men here) don't know how to be interested. People spend too much time online evaluating pictures and they don't know how to interact in real life.

 

Beyond that, it's hard to know what specifically happened since no one here was on the date. For whatever reason he is unable to move this forward, indicating he just doesn't have his act together (if he did, he would be able to articulate something to you even if it's just "I changed my mind"). You seem like you do, in spades, so I'd quit texting him and would definitely not ask him "did I scare you off?" It's unfortunate that adult dating is not very adult-like and there's a lot of avoidance and obfuscation and just general nonsense, but keep putting yourself out there and being friendly and confident and at some point you will hopefully run across someone who is your match in terms of social skills, finances/career, and place in life.

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For me a man with a kind heart who wants an actual relationship means more to me than his earning potential or a bit of balding on his head.
Did you tell him that or did you just mention that you want a partner who is financially stable? He is not that if his credit is just now "improving" and he probably feels it best to let your pursuit of him go unnoticed????

 

Perhaps he's waiting for you to do the asking since it is you that would make the decision to carry on with someone you have already said would be a deal breaker for you. Besides, he may not want to spend the money on dates if he's skint.

 

I've posted that without reading any other response so my bad if it's already been mentioned.

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I appreciate everyone’s comments and input. I do want to explain a few things a bit further though. In the past when I was dating online I kept my career private and if asked I would be vague and not say what I actually do for a living. This way men are unaware and therefore not intimidated and it protects me as well from potential opportunists. Of course I’d things progressed I would eventually disclose more information. But in this case this man works in the same industry as me at the same workplace and knows exactly what I do and what my job title is. In fact if we worked in the same department I would be considered a shift supervisor over him. As for the interviewing my date comments, I have been on many dates myself where i literally told my friends later I felt like I was on an interview. I do agree first dates should be more fun and relaxed but in this case this man knows a lot about me already and really the financial stuff was less than a five minute conversation. We discussed many topics and some were light hearted and funny. On a deeper note he even brought up having children and how his parents pressure him to have kids. I wondered if my comments about being unsure i could have kids at my age Also was a turn off for him (meaning he’s would need to pursue much younger women). I really only mentioned the financial stuff bc I wondered if it had made him feel bad and if I had screwed up by making the few comments I made. I do regret saying anything as everyone here seems to agree that might have been what alienated him or made him feel inadequate. Interestingly enough I did not mention in my initial post that I found out he lives with his parents so I really wonder how bad his situation is or if living with them is more of a comfortable situation aka the Peter Pan syndrome. I found that to be more of a yellow flag than his hourly pay or yearly income TBH. These indeed are big topics but if they are deal breakers then why not discuss? Truly, his yearly income isn’t a deal breaker for me, as long as he wouldn’t mooch off me and would take care of his own expenses then why would I care as long as he has a good heart. I guess I assumed because I had asked him out and was aware of the financial differences that would be a ding ding to him that I honestly don’t care about money, that I only want to live comfortably and be able to retire in good shape. Interestingly enough during conversation he mentioned being put off on prior dates when his date didn’t offer to split the bill. When we got our drinks he ironically paid even though I had promised to treat him, but at dinner I thought it best to split the check especially since I was the one who initiated the date (even though dinner had been his suggestion). Because the job title differences and financial issues have been brought up by a few of my friends as a potential blow to his ego is why I mentioned it in my post. It seems like everyone really hung on to my comments about it and I’m not offended but I just wanted to clarify how things went down on the date. It was not an 8 hour date of me grilling him or prying into delicate topics or interviewing him about his bank account. And my hookup comment is a pretty standard line I tell men now as I’ve had too many men try early on to use me for sex. In his case I truly believe he is not that type of guy as he was always super sweet and sincere during our interactions in the past, bit as default I did want to mention it so he was aware i am seeking a relationship and not just a fun time.

 

That all being said, I agree with you all that leaving him alone is for the best. Clearly if someone isn’t interested continuing to text or message is annoying to the other person. I am glad I had limited my post date texts to only a few times as I don’t want to look like a clingy needy stalker either.

 

Truly I am disappointed at the loss of his friendship and I just don’t know how to handle that. I feel like I’ve made him feel

Uncomfortable or awkward where he essentially avoids the entire four walls where I am during work hours. I agree with the person who said it is unfortunate people can’t be more upfront and stop avoiding. I am in no way perfect but after a few ghosting instances I learned that most people deserve an explanation and not to be left hanging especially when you know they are still Interested in you after 1 or more dates and you don’t feel the same. I learned it’s not that hard to send a text message after 1-2 dates saying “hey it was great meeting you but I didn’t feel a connection. I think you are a great (or fun or any other adjective) person good luck in your search.” Some people say you don’t owe another person an explanation after one date but it really depends on the scenario—if it’s mutual meh for both parties and neither reaches out to other post date then there’s no explanation needed. I think this guy knows I am still interested and thinks if he poofs into thin air I’ll get the message (which worked, I guess!)

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I probably did not make that exact statement about seeking a kind hearted person without regard to earning potential. I likely did mess up here and it was purely unintentional. TBH I was surprised he had past credit issues because he appears pretty put together on the surface. I really didn’t judge him when he disclosed his situation. He had been in a LTR and had paid for an entire wedding which ended up being called off and that’s really what he said hurt his credit.

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Probably best not to mention finances at all on any kind of dates. It really isn't the time or place and it's extremely awkward.

 

To be honest, I am really surprised it came up at all. I can't recall any dates I have ever had where anyone discussed money matters.

I don't think you two were compatible or in the same headspace whatsoever.

 

The date sounded more like a casual coworker meet rather than a date.

But then this is another reason why you don't date people from work. It's never a good idea to mix business with pleasure.

Keep the two seperate.

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It sounds like you dodged a bullet. He is too full of woes and drama. Next time keep the first meet-and-greet brief. Run if someone goes on and on about hard-luck stories or what a loser they are. Don't allow dates to become drawn-out gripe sessions like this. Keep it brief and upbeat.

He had been in a LTR and had paid for an entire wedding which ended up being called off and that’s really what he said hurt his credit.
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I probably did not make that exact statement about seeking a kind hearted person without regard to earning potential. I likely did mess up here and it was purely unintentional. TBH I was surprised he had past credit issues because he appears pretty put together on the surface. I really didn’t judge him when he disclosed his situation. He had been in a LTR and had paid for an entire wedding which ended up being called off and that’s really what he said hurt his credit.

 

Oh goodness. Maybe some work on empathy or "walking a mile in someone's shoes" is in order -what does "pretty put together" have to do with financial hard times? You're in your early 40s and single -would you like someone assuming "well she seems pretty put together but she says she's looking for marriage and she's STILL single???"

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Probably best not to mention finances at all on any kind of dates. It really isn't the time or place and it's extremely awkward.

 

To be honest, I am really surprised it came up at all. I can't recall any dates I have ever had where anyone discussed money matters.

I don't think you two were compatible or in the same headspace whatsoever.

 

The date sounded more like a casual coworker meet rather than a date.

But then this is another reason why you don't date people from work. It's never a good idea to mix business with pleasure.

Keep the two seperate.

 

I met my husband at work originally. Different departments and never worked together. And come to think of it he did have financial issues lol -he asked me out for lunch, took me to a nice restaurant, the bill came and..... he was so embarrassed as he'd left his wallet at the office, talk about issues ;-). I paid. He tried to pay me back and I would not let him. I think meeting at work can be a wonderful place to meet a partner if the conditions are appropriate. In my case they were.

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Ok so are you going for a 38-53 y/o range? If that's the case that's a lot of lifetime experience for everyone. People are going to have something or another going on. Divorces, kids, baggage whatever. All this has nothing to do with finances or credit scores. It has to do with your fear that after 40 "you're a purse or a nurse", and that 'men are players' mentality.

 

What you can do is not engage in inane text chitchat, meet promptly and see how the in-person interaction goes. You need a strategy to avoid burn-out.

That mean not wasting time on "men only wanting hook ups and lying about it, ghosters, men with emotional and mental illnesses, men with commitment problems, text only pen pals', etc.

 

It means you select more carefully and look for different qualities. Also you need appropriate criteria and opportunities. Chasing men down just because a coworker said their single and have a pulse is not appropriate criteria, it's desperation. You could higher quality dating apps (paid) and join some clubs, groups, volunteer etc. You may have to accept less than perfect men and have to stop being a dating-tragedy on dates.

I am a 43 year old single woman, never married, no children. I tried online dating on and off for two years and had many negative experiences
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Truly I am disappointed at the loss of his friendship and I just don’t know how to handle that. I feel like I’ve made him feel

Uncomfortable or awkward where he essentially avoids the entire four walls where I am during work hours. I agree with the person who said it is unfortunate people can’t be more upfront and stop avoiding. I am in no way perfect but after a few ghosting instances I learned that most people deserve an explanation and not to be left hanging especially when you know they are still Interested in you after 1 or more dates and you don’t feel the same. I learned it’s not that hard to send a text message after 1-2 dates saying “hey it was great meeting you but I didn’t feel a connection. I think you are a great (or fun or any other adjective) person good luck in your search.” Some people say you don’t owe another person an explanation after one date but it really depends on the scenario—if it’s mutual meh for both parties and neither reaches out to other post date then there’s no explanation needed. I think this guy knows I am still interested and thinks if he poofs into thin air I’ll get the message (which worked, I guess!)

 

The bottom line is his response (or lack of) is unfortunate but you cannot control how someone else acts. How he conducts himself is his decision, just like you cannot control nor are you at fault for the scores of men online lying about wanting a relationship when all they really want is a hook-up, ghosters, etc. (you forgot about the number of married men online posing as single, those were always my favorite :upset: ). I understand your disappointment--believe me--but you can only control your response. Consider that there may be other things going on with this particular man that you don't know about, and it's better that he shows his avoidant and uncommunicative nature now than to get involved with him and THEN find out. I agree that it is sad to lose someone you thought was at least a friend, but again it's his choice. He has the right to make his own mistakes. :friendly_wink:

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