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How should I handle this "friend" at NYE party?


Starlight925

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Very longtime "friend" since my 20's (we are now in our 50's).

 

For decades, we were thick as thieves.

 

I've been married 3 times and engaged 2 others, never had children, single now.

She's had lots of LTR's, but never married, no children, and she has a new boyfriend.

 

She's very attractive, professional, educated, and looks as good today as she did 25 years ago.

 

Together, we've made a lot of new friendships over the years, expanding our circle, and it's been filled with really nice people, and we've all gone on trips, dinners, events, etc.

 

I use the word "friend" in quotes now because I've moved her from "friendship" to "acquaintance" to barely see or talk to her.....here's why:

 

Starting around 10 years ago, she''d make these little snide comments about me, always in front of new women we'd meet, always about my romantic past.

Examples:

-- At a party where neither of us knew many people, someone in a large group asked me my name, and then my last name. My "friend" jumped in and very loudly said, "Well that depends on which last name you want of LHGirl's. Let's see....first it was LHGirl xyz, then she got divorced, then it was back to her maiden name, then she got married again, and it was LHGirl abc, then she got divorced".....she went on like this through all my marriages. Mind you, my marriages were many years ago, last one ending in 2001, and no one at this party knew I had been married/divorced, as I only talk about it when it's a time that I want to talk. But she loves to find ways to bring this up to people I've never met, in ways to make me embarrassed.

 

--Last year, while I was dating my now exBF, she brought up some dirt she had heard about him, from his very distant past, in a group of people. She made sure to "announce" it. This was while we were still in happy land, and it was dirt he had already shared with me. She made sure there was a lull in the conversation, and then she made an "announcement": "I heard LHGirl's boyfriend did xyz, and that LHGirl's BF did abc, and that he's not a great guy". She made sure that at least 8-10 other people heard this.

 

--A few months ago, at a party, she announced to everyone that I had had my heart enormously broken by this one guy, and she proceeded to tell this whole story. This actually happened in 1999, yet she was re-telling it as if it were yesterday. She was there for the heartbreak and the tears back then, but now, she finds it the right time to make sure everyone knew how heartbroken I was. I haven't seen or talked about this guy for at least 10 years, yet she decided the rest of the room needed to know that I was so broken-hearted about him back then.

 

These are just a few examples, I could go on.

 

Over the years, she usually waits a few days, she calls me, apologizes (sincerely, blah), and we go on. Except, for about the past couple of years, I've simply moved away from being her one-on-one friend. I'm cordial to her in groups, but that's it.

 

My question: We will both be at a small NYE dinner party, possibly only 8-10 people. She'll be there with her new boyfriend, and I'll be there alone. I'm absolutely fine going alone, as I've become good friends with the other couples. But I just know she's going to find a way, when there's a conversation lull, to bring up something hurtful about me. I just know it.

 

Any ideas? Snappy answers? Silence? I need ideas!

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I would say she's insecure and jealous of you and she has to put you down in front of other people to deflect people away from her own weaknesses. It's almost like an abusive relationship. Try these tips:

 

https://www.thespruce.com/what-to-do-when-friends-criticize-or-embarrass-you-in-public-4132463

 

I would add that if it happened to me and I had had a few drinks, I would make up a story about her being abducted and probed by aliens and act like that was a secret she didn't want let out. The more she denied it, the funnier it would be while you encourage her to tell the full story and throw in even more details. It might be the last time she humiliates you in public!

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Thank you DanZee, that's actually great advice, and a great link!

 

To add: not one of my other friends does this, even remotely. Not only that, but they are all supportive, and uplifting, and they always say really nice things about me, and give honest advice when I ask. So it's not like I get ganged up on. It's just this one person.

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I wish there was a combo of Pippy and Dan's advice -that would be hilarious. Seriously -the people who were there when she acted like such a moron - did they really enjoy listening to that crap? I would hate to hear someone shamed like that. I was in a similar situation once where an acquaintance was trying to sabotage my new relationship by making comments in front of my new boyfriend. And, hopefully she won't want to look like an idiot in front of her new boyfriend. Do you know the new boyfriend? I almost want you to make a snide remark like "next thing you know she'll be telling everyone about the time you and I....."

 

I'm glad you are going. Of course you should go whether or not you have a plus one. I hope you enjoy and I hope she keeps her mouth shut.

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To add: not one of my other friends does this, even remotely. Not only that, but they are all supportive, and uplifting, and they always say really nice things about me, and give honest advice when I ask. So it's not like I get ganged up on. It's just this one person.

 

Oh, I believe it. Maybe she's jealous about you being married and engaged while she never was. Even attractive, professional and educated women can be insecure. In some way, she might even admire you. But talking about you deflects away from talking about herself and her failed relationships. But you may want to continue avoiding her.

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Have you thought about talking to her? Something along the lines of “hey - can I ask you a favor? Can you not bring up my romantic past at dinner? I know you don’t do it on purpose or anything (swallow hard when you say that lol) but you do have a tendency to do that and it really bothers me”

 

A preemptive strike! Lol

 

Since you’ve known her 30 years you should be able to do that? No?

 

I dunno. I prefer direct to passive-aggressive remarks or sarcasm. Just my style.

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I would make up a story about her being abducted and probed by aliens

 

This is offensive to those of us who have been abducted and probed by aliens. Haha!

 

 

Seriously, though, who needs enemies when you have "friends?" I would call her on it while she's doing it. Maybe something along the lines of, "You do realize this was over 20 years ago, right? I would have hoped most of us would have moved on from that incident by now." Or be direct and say, "I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve by telling stories of my distant romantic past and I don't appreciate it."

 

I had one pretty dramatic "friend" at one point but she kind of bullied people by making them repeat what they just said if she disagreed with it or was trying to pressure you into a specific answer. However, I've found this works pretty well on abusive personalities by making them own what they just said. Something along the lines of, "Excuse me? What did you just say? [because it sounded pretty disrespectful]" Holding up a mirror sometimes makes them realize how bad it makes them look and takes the wind right out of their sails.

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As for whether the others speak up in my defense, well, sort of.

 

For ease, I'll call her S.

 

At the last "incident", another long-term friend said something that I know was meant to be her way of deflecting from S's discussion.

 

Within this circle, there's one friend that I've become a lot closer with, and she became closer to S as well. But lately, that friend has been calling me, questioning why S would say certain things about me. Lately, that newer friend has been saying to me all the things you all are saying: that's she's jealous of me because I've been married and she hasn't, and that she's insecure. And this newer friend finds it awful of her.

 

But at the moment, everyone just stands there, dumbfounded. It's like no one else can believe she just said that about me, her supposed "best friend", and no one knows what to say. As I said, the good thing is, no one piles it on, because that would be awful. I'd then just have to walk away.

 

I was telling this story to another of our friends, T., who hasn't heard S. do this to me in person, but she knows S. very well too. T. and I were having a nice lunch, laughing, joking, and when I told T. the things that S. says, T. started to cry. Literally, cried. She said it was so hurtful.

 

As for talking to her, I have said things to her when she "apologizes". I've told her it hurts, and that I'd appreciate that we leave our romantic pasts in the past. And I've reminded her that I never bring up her past boyfriends in public. She agrees, apologizes again, rinse, repeat.

 

The friends' group I'm in is all couples except me actually! Another one had a lovely party a few weeks ago, and I went solo. It's so totally fine, as I'm a total part of the group. I've been the 9th wheel, lol (4 couples + me) many times, it's so not a big deal. They'd think it was more strange if I didn't attend.

 

I met S.'s new boyfriend at that recent party, but my strategy there was to play nicey-nice cordial, look at how beautiful the Xmas tree is, did you taste these appetizers? OMG yum. Etc., and then move through the crowd. It was fine. But this NYE party will be a more formal, sit-down dinner. These particular friends have this gorgeous home, and they do this almost annually. It's truly a lovely evening amongst good friends. I just want to go (Uber!), toast to a great year, eat delicious food, laugh amongst friends. I want to keep the knives out of my back from S.

 

You're all giving me great feedback, thanks! Appreciate it all!

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Agree with everyone else that she's jealous of you, and that when she mouths off like this, the only person she's showing up is herself. I like Seraphim's response.

 

On occasions when people have been very rude to me, with no provocation whatsoever, I put my head on one side, look them straight in the eye - and smile. And say nothing. I find it freaks them out no end, but without me actually being dragged into the hostility. In other words, it leaves all the **** exactly where it belongs - with that person.

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Ugh, I hate hearing stories like this and tend to equate these types of situations with how I feel about gossiping - general disgust.

 

I personally find people like your "friend" and gossipers to be unhappy and miserable with their own lives, so they attempt to drag others down to feel better about themselves.

 

I think what also bothers me about this is that people like your "friend" help perpetuate the stereotype about women being catty, etc. I hate this...so much! I mean, men can be competitive with one another, but women I find can make it so much more hurtful and personal. I'll never understand this.

 

Are any of your friends, including T, who are aware of this friend saying horrible things, going to be attending this dinner on NYE? Are you close enough with T and this other friend where you could ask them to say something if your friend decides to open her mouth?

 

Heck, I'd have no issue piping up if one of my friends was being put down by someone else.

 

If your friend decides to say something about you, can you say to her, "I'm flattered you seem to be so fascinated with my history, but I'm thinkin' it's my story to tell, if I choose to, don't you?" *Wink* (and maybe raise a wine glass, lol). "Now 'bout them Tigers?" (or some sports team) *change subject of conversation*

 

And the fact that she continues to talk about your life after you've told her how hurtful she's been blows my mind.

 

Your "friend" needs to get a life and focus more on making herself look like less of an ignoramus.

 

Ugh, this bugs me!

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Are any of your friends, including T, who are aware of this friend saying horrible things, going to be attending this dinner on NYE? Are you close enough with T and this other friend where you could ask them to say something if your friend decides to open her mouth?

 

Yes, they've all heard it before, one friend in particular. That friend, B., has reached out to me several times. Each time she hears S. do this to me, she calls to let me know that she heard it, and that she thinks it's awful, and that, like most here, she thinks it's due to jealousy, or cattiness, or whatever.

 

I love nutbrownhare's approach: tilt my head to one side, look her straight in the eye, and smile.

 

I hate to say this, because maybe it's catty of me to say, but I kind of hope she does say something catty on NYE in front of her new boyfriend. I want him to see her for who she is. OK, cattiness over. (evil grin....)

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Yes, they've all heard it before, one friend in particular. That friend, B., has reached out to me several times. Each time she hears S. do this to me, she calls to let me know that she heard it, and that she thinks it's awful, and that, like most here, she thinks it's due to jealousy, or cattiness, or whatever.

 

I love nutbrownhare's approach: tilt my head to one side, look her straight in the eye, and smile.

 

I hate to say this, because maybe it's catty of me to say, but I kind of hope she does say something catty on NYE in front of her new boyfriend. I want him to see her for who she is. OK, cattiness over. (evil grin....)

 

One thing's for sure, she's digging her own hole and people will see right through her and her words.

 

Whatever you decide to do, you can never go wrong taking the high road - whatever that may be.

 

I have no doubt you'll handle yourself with class, LHGirl.

 

Whatever happens, enjoy your NYE! Don't let her spoil your fun (which I'm sure you won't).

 

Maybe you should say something like, "Hey ________, did you want me to get you something for your verbal diarrhea?". (so much for me taking the high road) *shrugs*

 

But I would luv to say something like this ^. Lol!

 

Good luck, LH!

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Maybe you should say something like, "Hey ________, did you want me to get you something for your verbal diarrhea?". (so much for me taking the high road) *shrugs*

 

Ha!!! Love it!

 

It's not just me who feels this way. S. has other friends in another friend group of hers. One person didn't speak to S. for several years, and S. never found out why. That person never did say what it was that happened, and they are now back to being cordial. Another of S.'s friends from that group has completely shut out S. now for other reasons. So it's not just me.

 

I'll continue to high-road it. Darn it, I really wanted to use the "verbal diarrhea" line. :friendly_wink:

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Forget snappy retorts, rise above that. Her catty remarks make her look bad so don't hop in the litter box with her. Simply be yourself and continue being polite and cordial and ignore her remarks. Focus on the hosts and other guests.

I'm cordial to her in groups, but that's it. I just know she's going to find a way, when there's a conversation lull, to bring up something hurtful about me. I just know it. Snappy answers? Silence?
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Forget snappy retorts, rise above that. Her catty remarks make her look bad so don't hop in the litter box with her. Simply be yourself and continue being polite and cordial and ignore her remarks. Focus on the hosts and other guests.

 

Awww shoot, so the "diarrhea of the mouth" is too much? Darn.....lol. Yeah, I agree, her remarks say more about her. Thanks for the confirmation.

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Really, I don't think you could go wrong either way. Folks are right that, assuming the rest or the bulk of your other friends have an emotional maturity which rises above a 12th grader, the only thing they're thinking when she opens her mouth is, "Is this lady stunted?"

 

Still, assuming she's said these things in front of some of or mostly the same people, I find it perplexing no one has said, "Yeah, Stacy, I'm sure there are a lot of things we're all curious about, but I can near guarantee LHGirl's love life from 2002 isn't one of them." Speaking personally, while we fortunately don't have such a caricature roaming around any of our circles, there have been a few times someone has brought a girlfriend to a party, the girlfriend mistakenly thinking the whole passive-aggressive jokes-but-not-jokes toward her partner will get a gurl-laugh only for her to get shut down quick by a woman in our group after the second quip. There's something to be said for folks doing their best to preserve the party vibe, but it's pretty crappy when people take advantage of the captive audience and natural aversion to speak up and risk drama to be an ***hole and essentially bully someone.

 

However, a big reason we're able to police it without incurring more drama is because no one is really the type to gossip or talk ****. If Alex tells a lady her wisecracks are getting old, everyone knows it's because it's getting old. There's no one thinking she's just secretly jealous or whatever. While I'm not saying anyone's gotta be particularly catty about it, is your group one where people kinda just talk to each other about others? It's so strange to me that a woman can just routinely come in and say things like this and it's just kind of a 90's sitcom "That's our Kathy!" moment. Like no one's got clean enough hands to be the one to tell her that **** isn't cool. In which case, yeah, I'd say the best way you could provide assurances is by letting it roll off your shoulders and not being someone who makes drama public.

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Have you talked with her about this? If not, I strongly suggest that you pull her aside at the start of the party and tell her not to bring up ANY of the past as it is hurtful and disrespectful.

I had to do this with a 'friend' and he has gotten much better. You must shut this down! Do not stoop to her level, you will also look like a jerk. You need to take back control.

 

Also, you need to cut all contact with this woman. She is toxic!!!!!

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