He broke up but says he loves me

[Ilaria007]

Hi,

 

Me and my ex are still living together and he said that he still loves me and would do anything for me (although it might have changed over the past couple of days).

 

So the story goes like this... I suspected that there was something wrong for quite a while, and eventually the break up happened. We rarely communicated our feelings because we both have very deep issues. My emotional reaction to him not telling me what was going on was to cry and make statements I didn’t want to make to get anything from him.

 

So a week ago, I had two very emotionally rough days involving uncontrollable crying because I wanted him to show me that he loved me and then feeling of guilt because I made him feel sad and I couldn’t control my emotions. The day after that, he said that he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me, but we were still together, just with this possibility that we may part our ways eventually. We agreed that throughout the relationship we hurt each other (he later said that it actually wasn’t that serious of an issue, to what I said that this how he felt and therefore it was important). We agreed that we both need to work on each other and to attend psychotherapy sessions. We thought of doing counselling for couples in addition to this. This period gave us the possibility to connect emotionally. We both cried a lot, felt guilty and said that we loved each other.

 

Last Wednesday, when we were still together, he asked me whether he could go for a coffee with his new female friend whom he does training with. I expressed my concerns about it, that given our then current situation it wouldn’t be appropriate. He reassured me that he’s not interested in her in a romantic way. I believed him even though I didn’t like the idea. This made me even more insecure and wanting to have certainty that he would be with me. Because of my insecurities and the fear of abandonment (which he also experiences), on Thursday I suggested that maybe we shouldn’t be together. He didn’t seem to like the idea, but agreed and when I said that I regretted suggesting it he didn’t want to go back to the relationship.

 

The next day, when I tried to talk to him if he ever saw us getting back together, he told me that he doesn’t want to be with me at the moment and I shouldn’t have any hopes. But I do. As mentioned before, we live together, we talk and laugh on a daily basis, as nothing happened, we just don’t sleep together. He still calls me cute names. I wanted to follow the NO contact rule, but it’s hard if you live with someone you love. I’ve noticed one night that when I was less friendly to him, he was making an effort to interact with me. I told him yesterday that maybe it would be better if I stayed at my brother’s place for a few nights, he said that it would destroy his sense of home and stability (he comes from a broken home and I really don’t want to feel abandoned as I think he would stop trusting me), so I decided to stay. Later that day, when he was at work, we chatted for a couple of hours on the phone and he mentioned about moving out. Then we decided that we can keep living together to save costs and so on.

 

I don’t know how can I get him back, or if it’s even possible. We don’t fight, we are nice to each other, I don’t beg him to be with me, but he knows that I want to be with him. I told him that I want to be with him when we’re both a bit more fixed. But it seems as if he doesn’t even consider getting back together. In addition, he met that girl for a walk. He didn’t tell me, but I knew he met up with her, so I challenged him about it. He admitted and for the second time reassured that he’s not interested in her or any new relationship for now. That girls is also going through a break up and I don’t trust her. He said that if it’s hard for me he will not meet up for a coffee to which I said that he should go if he wants.

 

I’m thinking of staying over at my brother’s, but I worry that I will lose him for good, given that he’s having those abandonment issues and craving for secure home. He said that in our relationship he craved the sense of security the most. I was often saying something like “maybe we shouldn’t be together” or “maybe you should find someone else” without meaning it. It was often a way for me to deal with my fear of being abandoned. He told me that whenever I said something like this, he felt a tremendous panic. When I’m thinking about this it breaks my heart. How could I possibly do this to him? I love him so much, and knowing all my flows I know that I want to be with him for all the right reasons- not out of fear, he is a great guy and worth every effort. Could you please help me getting him back? What should I do? What should I say? How should I act?

 

I try not check his fb but I had a notification about the video which fb sometimes creates of happy moments and so on. He said something like funny that I have only jiu jitsu pictures on it. This made me feel as if he’s already gave up on me and moved on with his life entirely... :(

 

Thank you in advance, and apologies for the long story.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? Is it his place, your place or do you co-own or co-lease? Nothing will be accomplished or healed until you address the logistics of either one of you moving out or you decide to come to terms with each other.. Right now it's just a nasty fight with both of you camped out in different corners of your shared place.

 

Make an appt with a doctor for a complete check up and get therapy for yourself and address mood swings crying jags, etc. This will be a wise investment whether you move out or stay together. Do not just run away for a while to a relatives house. That is not conflict resolution. Move out or work things out.

still living together

 

I had two very emotionally rough days involving uncontrollable crying because I wanted him to show me that he loved me and then feeling of guilt because I made him feel sad and I couldn’t control my emotions.

[Ilaria007]

Hi Wiseman2 and thank you for your reply.

 

We’ve been together over 4 years and been living together for almost 4 years- we co-lease this place. We actually don’t fight now and are nice to each other. Occasionally we talk about the situation, but I don’t beg him to come back. I don’t show him that I’m sad. We don’t sleep in the same bed although 2 days ago he offered that we could - I refused. I don’t want to leave him here a bit because I love him and I worry that he will feel betrayed if I do. I just worry that if I stay he will feel too comfortable to actually miss me and to want me back. I know I should work first on myself, but at the same time, I don’t want to make mistakes when around him, because, firstly, I don’t want to hurt him, secondly, I want him back.

[Wiseman2]

Ok but is devolving this into roommates with benefits a solution? As long as you refuse to find a solution and stay or breakup and leave, it will hover in this nowhere zone.

 

We’ve been together over 4 years and been living together for almost 4 years- we co-lease this place. We don’t sleep in the same bed although 2 days ago he offered that we could - I refused.

[Ilaria007]

I don’t know what would be the solution to make him commit to me once again. We definitely won’t evolve into roommates with benefits, as we both know that this is not an option. The only thing I can do is to focus on myself only, but this seems so little to help the cause of getting him back. A day after we broke up, he said he didn’t want to be with me at that moment and he doesn’t think of the future. I never brought it up again. As I said before, he still calls me cute names and cares about me and I can see it. He told me hat he will never stop loving me and it wasn’t just said out of guilt. Shall I have any hopes or shall I just move on with my life?

 

I’m sorry if I sound ridiculous, I just really don’t know what to do

[Billie28]

He WANTS out!!!

Why are you thinking leaving is betraying him when he actually wants out?

[Ilaria007]

Because when I told him that I’ll go and stay at my brother’s he said that I should stay as it would take away the sense of stability. I know his history and I know it is important for him, and I really want to support him

[Ilaria007]

And of course, I’m grateful for that what you said. It’s vert easy to have hopes in such situations

[Billie28]

Because when I told him that I’ll go and stay at my brother’s he said that I should stay as it would take away the sense of stability. I know his history and I know it is important for him, and I really want to support him

 

So you are happy to maintain his “stability” until he gets it from another?

That’s very noble of you. Or at least it might be if you actually were doing that without invested interest. But you aren’t. And his request is despicable. Regardless of his past. He is selfish. Only.

[Wiseman2]

You did not break up if you are still living together. He wants a noncommittal roommates with benefits situation. Nothing more as he directly told you. He does not see a future with you but by having you live there he gets help with chores, errands, rent and with enough "cute names",sex. He is being crystal clear about this.

 

Was the argument about your goals/future? It sounds like after 4 years of living together this is as good as it gets. He does not want marriage, kids, a future with you. After 4 years this would have been clear not him backing up.

he said he didn’t want to be with me at that moment and he doesn’t think of the future.

[Ilaria007]

Thank you for that. The argument wasn’t about goals and future. He actually was thinking of proposing me. It was the result of lack of communication so we hurt each other quite bad. Your insight about him wanting the comfort of me being there without committing to me is quite eye opening.

[Wiseman2]

But after 4 years that hasn't happened. "Thinking of" is not a wedding date. This is a relationship of convenience for him. That's why he shuts down any meaningful communication.

was thinking of proposing me.

[leseine7]

While I think some of the responders are being a bit unnecessarily harsh here, I do have to say that it does appear that you are being blatantly taken advantage of here. It's clear that you would be better off moving out, setting the boundary (e.g. "This is over 100% - no in-between, no roommates situation between us, over."), and moving on with your life. As you have already stated - HE is the one with some need for you to continue living with him because of issues he should be dealing with. You absolutely should not be catering to his needs and inappropriate requests.

 

After 4 years, it can be very hard to see your own independent self from the relationship, especially if it was a confusing one like this - where you have someone toying with you and saying he "thinks about" getting engaged while never actually having an intention of doing so, and placing his wishes very far over yours. It's time for you to be a little selfish too. Please, for your own sake (and the sake of your future), move on from this jerk.

[Ilaria007]

Omg, the problem with this thing here is that I really want to take my original post down as I don’t think I explained the situation well and I think it doesn’t help at all.

[ThatwasThen]

You guys are sorely codependent and you are so addicted to him that he is going out with a new female in his life while you enable it.

 

Sorry but by all accounts he is just there untill he locks in the new girl. He will use her to get himself unaddicted to you.

 

Move out and get yourself into therapy to help you to rehab from your codependent addiction to him and to guide you into knowing what enabling is.

 

Don't stay stagnated in a dead relationship because HE WILL FEEL UNSETTLED. Let him get his own therapy to help him with that.

[reinventmyself]

I think you should move out. He says just enough to keep you there and I see how it benefits him, but at your expense. Meanwhile he's going for walks and having coffee with his new lady friend while you stay behind in hopes he changes his mind.

 

Situations like these start off with two people tippy toeing around each other and with each turn, something goes wrong. Drama and misunderstandings ensue. It goes so wrong the place starts to stink. Once it's gotten to this point, there is no turning back.

 

Your best bet is to leave on a high note and with some self respect. He will ultimately lose respect for you while you stay for his comfort while he's confiding in someone new.

 

You are basically helping him wean himself from you. I hope you realize that.

[MissCanuck]

He lost the right to use you for "stability" when he opted not to work things out with you, OP.

 

It's not your job to make his life comfortable while he shops for your replacement. Because when he finds her, I can guarantee he suddenly won't need you to provide him a stable home life anymore. He'll be happy to show you the door then.

 

With due respect, you need to wake up here, girl.

[Ilaria007]

We have decided to try again. I didn’t beg him to do that because I don’t do begging, he suggested it. We had a long talk about the future and how we feel. It may not work, but at least we try. Every situation is different and everyone is different.