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Struggle to find attraction


James1982

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Hi all

I’m 39, all my friends are settled, have their own families.. I’m back single after wasting 5 years on someone who would dump me everything 9/10 months

 

I think the reason I kept getting reeled back in by her is that in my 39 years I have dated ALOT of girls yet I just can’t seem to find a spark with any of them... where with her despite the horrible things she did to me I was really attracted to her.. and when things were good it was great

 

I think it must be physiological. Some of the girls I’ve dated have been great yet i feel shallow... it’s all about looks for me and it’s not getting me anywhere yet I can’t seem to change

 

I now feel panicked and anxious that this will be me now forever - alone, old

 

I’m chatting to a really nice girl at the moment... loads in common yet I am not physically attracted to her... everyone says you have to give them a chance etc but I know I’ll just friend zone her

 

What’s wrong with me? I’d like to get help but wouldn’t know where to start!! What type of therapist could even help me with something like this!

 

Anyway thanks for reading

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Maybe you're not really looking for a committed and satisfying relationship. Perhaps you just want some arm candy???

 

If you have a lot in common with this nice girl, why not just explore it? Sparks don't always fly in the beginning. Sometimes we fall in love with someone after we know them for a while. I'm sure this girl isn't hideous.

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Look while I think you can't force attraction, what you call spark, being shallow where you only like hot women won't do you any favours. At 39 you really can't keep only wanting gorgeous women. Otherwise you'll waste another 5, 10 however many years. I think you truly need to change your mindset and allow yourself to feel attraction to women who are average. Because most women and most men are actually only average. Only some are not. And believe me you'd have a lot of competition. My best friend is hot and she has so many guys after her and thousands of messages on online dating. Keep in mind that if you're looking for a long-term relationship, you need to like what's inside the person more than outside. Because the honeymoon phase wears off and then you need to have really good connection and friendship to make the relationship last.

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... where with her despite the horrible things she did to me I was really attracted to her...

 

Let's start here. I'd phrase this differently, and then challenge yourself to address it differently. Something like: "...because of the horrible things she did to me, I was really attracted to her..."

 

Because that's the truth, no? What you like, for some reason, is that she is horrible to you. Yes, she's other things, and, I'd imagine, she's pleasing to the/your eyes, but the hook here is that she's "horrible," not "nice."

 

That's the gold, but it's gold you haven't mined yet, not properly. Meaning? You're still making her the gold, instead of coming to terms with something you need so it can be found in a more healthy, less spirit-destroying way. Basically what you want her what you've had with her, but the non-poisonous version.

 

Make any sense?

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It doesn't have to do with attraction -you see value in having someone who is conventionally "hot" on your arm or you feel validated by someone who is hot looking who wants you. That's not attraction -that's your values and your ego -and given your values it makes sense you'd think of these adult women as "girls.

 

Please don't do these women any favors by giving them "a chance" if your focus is on physical features - let them spend their precious free time meeting guys who aren't forcing themselves to meet them just to "give them a chance". At some point you'll choose to look into why you value outer appearance so much and if you conclude this is still your priority then I'd focus only on women who meet your criteria for physical features, understanding that you may not get other things you also might want, like a woman who has spunk, or contributes to her community, or who has a great sense of humor or who is smart or compassionate or all these things. I know of men who are very happy to have chosen arm candy and prioritized arm candy. But don't tell yourself it has to do with true attraction, passion or chemistry.

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If you really are shallow and only focus on looks, why are you wasting this woman's time?

 

why do you think you deserve some hot chick, when you don't seem to value yourself... 5 years with break ups every 9 or 10 months? It sounds like you'll do whatever to have an attract woman even part time. Why is it worth it? Admiration from the guys?

 

I agree we all deserve to be with someone we're attracted to and that is attracted to us.

 

It sounds like you think your better than this new woman. Meanwhile, sounds like you are playing outside you're own league and poorly.

 

Don't jerk around women you don't find attractive because you can't keep the ones you do think are attractive. Its fine to hold out for what you do want. To use people is definitely not.

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Lower your fixation on aesthetic standards. There are plenty of attractive women who don't have model looks yet they're healthy, fit, take good care of themselves yet not ugly either.

 

Focus on personality and characteristic traits because looks fade as everyone ages and grows older. However, personality and character qualities are enduring and last forever.

 

Whittle down your search to shared values, beliefs, faith (if you're religious), health, lifestyle, drinking or non-drinkers, party types or non-party types so on and so forth.

 

Try seeking the help of a psychologist.

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So you're chatting to a really nice girl at the moment. That's great! How is the chatting going? Are you connecting nicely or is something missing? Does she flirt? Is she giving vibes that she's into you?

 

When you say that you aren't physically attracted to her, what do you specifically mean? In other words, what is a deal breaker to you and what isn't? I'm asking because I've been in some form of your shoes. If most qualities aren't a deal breaker then I suggest to give her a chance. Sometimes when you get to know someone better, connect in a more personal level, you see them in a different light. That happened to me long ago.

 

 

By the way, I recommend video chatting if you aren't doing this already as it's more personal than text.

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... where with her despite the horrible things she did to me I was really attracted to her..

 

... it’s all about looks for me and it’s not getting me anywhere yet I can’t seem to change

 

What’s wrong with me? I’d like to get help but wouldn’t know where to start!! What type of therapist could even help me with something like this!

 

Anyway thanks for reading

 

In my opinion, your problem stems from low self-esteem and yes, a therapist can help you with that. Going back to someone who did "horrible things" to you indicates that deep down you may have felt that it was ok to be mistreated i.e. you feel that you don't deserve to be loved. Plus, fixating on looks can also be about seeking validation i.e. some voice in the back of your head whispering that only if you manage to land a hot woman are you really good enough. Moreover, rejecting the majority of women preemptively can also be a dysfunctional (subconscious) way to avoid getting close enough to someone to be seriously hurt.

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James, I'm fairly similar to you in that I only find myself physically attracted to good looking women. And sometimes I get the same accusations leveled at me - 'you're shallow' or 'you should forget about a nice piece of arm candy and find someone with substance'. These comments, I'll be honest, really annoy me as they're based on the assumption that 'hotness' is the only thing I'm looking for.

 

Whereas, in reality, I'm looking for someone who's physically attractive and who I click with and is a lovely decent person with good morals and values and who loves dogs etc etc etc, I could go on.

 

I really don't think being physically attractive and having these other qualities are mutually exclusive.

 

I don't think the answer is to start going after women who you're not physically attracted to but rather just to look at physical attraction as just one of several qualities that you're looking for in a partner.

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James, I'm fairly similar to you in that I only find myself physically attracted to good looking women. And sometimes I get the same accusations leveled at me - 'you're shallow' or 'you should forget about a nice piece of arm candy and find someone with substance'. These comments, I'll be honest, really annoy me as they're based on the assumption that 'hotness' is the only thing I'm looking for.

 

Whereas, in reality, I'm looking for someone who's physically attractive and who I click with and is a lovely decent person with good morals and values and who loves dogs etc etc etc, I could go on.

 

I really don't think being physically attractive and having these other qualities are mutually exclusive.

 

I don't think the answer is to start going after women who you're not physically attracted to but rather just to look at physical attraction as just one of several qualities that you're looking for in a partner.

 

I don't think it's about physical attraction. A focus to the extent the OP is on outer physical features typically points to a focus on wanting arm candy or seeing one's value in how hot one's partner is perceived on some model/objective scale. Physical attraction is essential of course!

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James, I'm fairly similar to you in that I only find myself physically attracted to good looking women. And sometimes I get the same accusations leveled at me - 'you're shallow' or 'you should forget about a nice piece of arm candy and find someone with substance'. These comments, I'll be honest, really annoy me as they're based on the assumption that 'hotness' is the only thing I'm looking for.

 

Whereas, in reality, I'm looking for someone who's physically attractive and who I click with and is a lovely decent person with good morals and values and who loves dogs etc etc etc, I could go on.

 

I really don't think being physically attractive and having these other qualities are mutually exclusive.

 

I don't think the answer is to start going after women who you're not physically attracted to but rather just to look at physical attraction as just one of several qualities that you're looking for in a partner.

 

I think you're coming from a balanced perspective, where attraction is important but part of a longer equation. Which is reasonable imo.

 

People aren't accusing him of being shallow. He said it of himself and its negatively impacting his life. he's allowing himself to be treated horribly because of his physical attraction to an abusive woman.

 

Everyone deserves a mutual physical attraction in romance. After all, isn't it the attraction that elevates it past friendship?

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I think you're coming from a balanced perspective, where attraction is important but part of a longer equation. Which is reasonable imo.

 

People aren't accusing him of being shallow. He said it of himself and its negatively impacting his life. he's allowing himself to be treated horribly because of his physical attraction to an abusive woman.

 

Everyone deserves a mutual physical attraction in romance. After all, isn't it the attraction that elevates it past friendship?

 

I agree with that. I'm not saying that myself and the OP are exactly the same - it sounds like the OP is saying he only considers physical attraction, whereas for me, it's one of several essential components. I guess the point of view I'm challenging here is the one put forward by a couple of other people who've said that he should "give a chance" to someone who he already knows he has no physical attraction to.

 

One question I'd ask the OP is: how do you actually end up dating / chatting to women (such as the woman you're chatting to now) whose physical attraction falls below what you go for? If you're meeting them off Tinder (for example), do you not just swipe left on them?

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I agree with that. I'm not saying that myself and the OP are exactly the same - it sounds like the OP is saying he only considers physical attraction, whereas for me, it's one of several essential components. I guess the point of view I'm challenging here is the one put forward by a couple of other people who've said that he should "give a chance" to someone who he already knows he has no physical attraction to.

 

One question I'd ask the OP is: how do you actually end up dating / chatting to women (such as the woman you're chatting to now) whose physical attraction falls below what you go for? If you're meeting them off Tinder (for example), do you not just swipe left on them?

Good points... How does one end up in a romantic scenario with someone that are not romantically attracted to?

 

I also think giving someone a chance is reserved for when you're not sure if there is attraction or not, it can grow in time, for me... however! Its a short window and when I'm not attracted at all, I know straight away.

 

The fact that OP said he doesn't find her attractive then he knows he is not. I'm sure the woman has other options. No woman needs pity dates. Don't waste her time.

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My feeling here is that OP has something deeper to explore, as I tried to hint at. You don't spent years being hung up on someone you describe as "horrible"—an apt description based on an earlier thread—just because she's hot, the sex is interstellar, and you're shallow. Those two things are connected, in short, not at odds with one another.

 

And until that's reckoned with, understood? I think he will struggle to find anyone attractive, or at least finding the infamous "sparks," unless he manages to collide with someone who is equally hot but more horrible, so one form of addiction/consumption can be eclipsed by another, even more potent version. Monkey branching 101, more or less. Quitting cigarettes by switching to crack cocaine.

 

Trouble there is that it leads you back to the same place, where the spirit is starved and "44" gets subbed in for "39" in a future post.

 

Dating, in a way, begins with "giving a chance" to someone you're not sure about. You may be sure about a few things—that you think someone is super hot, or super smart, or super kind—but you hardly know if that's enough, if the fuel is there. Which is okay. For OP, though, I think what is missing is a sense of being sure in him himself as a human being who is worthy of sincere emotional investment from another human being.

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Blue has nailed it again.

 

Either you are trying to date way out of your league in physical appearance or you are going after the wrong women regardless.

 

How many beautiful women do we know that seem to keep dating jerks? and then keep going back to the same jerk over and over again and pass up good guys? Could this be the same thing???

 

What exactly are you ATTRACTED to? There are women that are pretty to me that are sexy as hell and then there are women that are drop dead gorgeous to me that are about as sexy as a piece of gum stuck under a table.

 

I happen to know a guy like you that was chasing after his dream girl. This guy was not all that but he was okay looking. He never really got that his dream girl was a fantasy, not reality and since he imagined her in his head what were the chances that some REAL girl/woman could ever live up to that imagined person.

 

If you have been doing the same thing for 20 years and it hasn't worked perhaps it is time to try something new. I don't mean dating some woman hoping the attraction grows, I mean seeking out some therapy.

 

You have posted here so that is a very good start but like Bluecastle I think this has everything to do with you and less to do with available "Hot" women in your area.

 

I wonder if you did meet and get into a relationship with a woman you were extremely attracted to and then fell in love and then she put on a few pounds or cut her hair short would you dump her?

 

There is a lot to explore for you and talking to a therapist is a great place to start.

 

Have you ever been in love? I mean deeply in love.

 

Lost

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Thanks for all your replies.

 

Maybe I explained myself wrongly. I’m not looking for a trophy on my arm.

 

Everyone says to me I shouldn’t go for looks but for someone I have the same interests with etc etc and I agree that’s what I want too but I am not physically attracted to these women looks wise(the ones so far)And if I’m not physically attracted to them i can’t see myself intimate with them.... I might as well just hang out with my friend who likes the same things as I do?

 

My ex treated me bad, I put up with it... and then she finished with me every 9-10 months saying she can’t force herself to have feeling for me... (so now I’m thinking that sounds familiar to my issue ive just explained)

 

Despite all that she did to me, I’m such a fool if she came back again I know id probably give in again - yet there’s been other women who I can tell think more of me, seem loyal etc are attractive but I just find fault with them and I hate myself for it. I want to settle down I don’t want to be singles I want someone I’m attracted to looks wise and click with them

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Thanks for all your replies.

 

Maybe I explained myself wrongly. I’m not looking for a trophy on my arm.

 

Everyone says to me I shouldn’t go for looks but for someone I have the same interests with etc etc and I agree that’s what I want too but I am not physically attracted to these women looks wise(the ones so far)And if I’m not physically attracted to them i can’t see myself intimate with them.... I might as well just hang out with my friend who likes the same things as I do?

 

My ex treated me bad, I put up with it... and then she finished with me every 9-10 months saying she can’t force herself to have feeling for me... (so now I’m thinking that sounds familiar to my issue ive just explained)

 

Despite all that she did to me, I’m such a fool if she came back again I know id probably give in again - yet there’s been other women who I can tell think more of me, seem loyal etc are attractive but I just find fault with them and I hate myself for it. I want to settle down I don’t want to be singles I want someone I’m attracted to looks wise and click with them

aww James.. I know what you mean. And to see yourself on the receiving end of what you struggle with... at least you can understand.

 

Some times we just have it so bad for someone. But a lot of that is really you, not them. You're attached to the potential, what you wish you could have with this person. There's a lot of opportunity here, to love yourself more. To accept, you (like EVERYONE) really only have control of yourself.

 

Building self love, acceptance, limiting attachment to worldly things- people, material things, the ego driven beliefs that these things define you.... is a good place to start. But maybe that's not what interests you, but exposing yourself to these kinds of concepts, may help expand your perspective.

 

I know you deserve to be with someone you're attracted to and click with. You just haven't found her yet. Try to stop focusing on your ex and get some new energy flowing in your life, new prospects will come.

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I agree with that. I'm not saying that myself and the OP are exactly the same - it sounds like the OP is saying he only considers physical attraction, whereas for me, it's one of several essential components. I guess the point of view I'm challenging here is the one put forward by a couple of other people who've said that he should "give a chance" to someone who he already knows he has no physical attraction to.

 

One question I'd ask the OP is: how do you actually end up dating / chatting to women (such as the woman you're chatting to now) whose physical attraction falls below what you go for? If you're meeting them off Tinder (for example), do you not just swipe left on them?

 

 

This is where I can’t work myself out... yes it’s all online... and this is the issue... they are attractive but I start chatting and then I’ll just get put off by something or I don’t know it lacks a spark and I don’t know why. Like for example I’m talking to a really nice girl at the moment (over the past two-four weeks) whatsapp, video, voice calls... she’s attractive, into the same things... yet now I don’t think of her and want to say get intimate. Could it be I’m not over my ex perhaps? I’m not sure as I feel I’ve been like this my whole life hence all my friends are settled and have children and I’m

Coming up to 40 single and frustrated

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This is where I can’t work myself out... yes it’s all online... and this is the issue... they are attractive but I start chatting and then I’ll just get put off by something or I don’t know it lacks a spark and I don’t know why. Like for example I’m talking to a really nice girl at the moment (over the past two-four weeks) whatsapp, video, voice calls... she’s attractive, into the same things... yet now I don’t think of her and want to say get intimate. Could it be I’m not over my ex perhaps? I’m not sure as I feel I’ve been like this my whole life hence all my friends are settled and have children and I’m

Coming up to 40 single and frustrated

 

I don't think it's wise to evaluate any sort of chemistry from a romantic perspective before meeting in person and unwise to type and talk this much before meeting especially since you find yourself so easily feeling turned off by what a near stranger says or does. You're getting in your own way and expecting a "spark" where you want to have sex with the person even before meeting in person. It's an easy way out for you - then you don't risk getting vulnerable with anyone.

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I wonder if you did meet and get into a relationship with a woman you were extremely attracted to and then fell in love and then she put on a few pounds or cut her hair short would you dump her?

 

There is a lot to explore for you and talking to a therapist is a great place to start.

 

Have you ever been in love? I mean deeply in love.

 

Lost

 

 

No I definitely would not dump her... so my ex she had something happen to her which I won’t go into, yet it didn’t put me off. I stood by her and helped and supported her through it. I never changed how I felt about her or her physical looks etc

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My dear friend who died young of cancer over 10 years ago did online dating sites for a couple of years-met her husband that way -her go to line was "if you sneeze the wrong way it's all over" (meaning no next date) -about the "picky" guys she met. She was very cute and an awesome person - not model looks or anything - and her husband who stood by her side and married her even though she'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer - loved her to pieces the entire time no matter what she looked like. You can imagine what all that chemo and steroids and sickness does to one's looks and body.

I'm glad you stood by your ex's side -my sense is your issue now is you're coming up with excuses to decline to meet women and you also want arm candy as some form of validation.

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Despite all that she did to me, I’m such a fool if she came back again I know id probably give in again

 

To my eyes this is your problem.

 

So long as this woman—who you know you don't work with, don't feel good with, can't be in a sustainable romance with—remains "the one" in your eyes it's just going to be very hard, if not impossible, to connect with someone else, since you're not only holding onto one person but further conditioning yourself to seek "good" feelings in "bad" places. You're basically indulging in self-hatred and labeling it love, to put it frankly.

 

Makes sense, then, that you'd put so much emphasis on attraction, on the "spark," since what you're looking for—what you're a bit desperate for—is something that burns your on/off ex out of your brain and heart. You want a new fire that's hot enough to extinguish this fire—an approach, of course, that only keeps stoking that first fire, along with the coals of self-loathing, since it makes you feel "shallow" while trying to swim out toward to deep end.

 

Where therapy—not a coach, but a good old fashioned therapist—can help with this? It could help you understand the mental-emotional mechanics here, so they become less mysterious. Think of a car. For most of us, they are simple things: you get in, turn a key, and go. But when you turn the key and they don't go? They become about the most complex things in the world, mysterious and frustrating!

 

This is why we have mechanics: it's not mysterious to them, or frustrating. It's a shoddy piston, a broken fuel pump, whatever. Not frustrating, but fixable. A therapist is kind of like a mechanic that teaches you how to work on your own engine. Once you demystify all this, without needing dating or another woman to do that work, you'll free up more space for new, more sincere, connections.

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