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How do I break up with a lovely guy without feeling so guilty? :(


intothewoods

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I have been seeing this guy for a few months. He treats me like a princess, he's everything a person could want from a guy. However, I just don't feel a passion or a spark, I don't feel excitement, and that's so important to me. I feel so awful that I want to break up as I know how much he loves me. He's told me i'm one of the few people he has in his life, and it put so much pressure on me it has scared me away.

 

I have tried to break up with him before but he just buys me gifts and says lovely things when he senses something is wrong. I feel like I'm going to break his heart but this relationship is way too much for me. Does anybody have any advice on how to let him down gently, and also, am I a terrible person for this?

 

Thank you

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Be honest with the guy and be crystal clear yet diplomatic that it's not working out. Stop accepting gifts or leading him on. He'll get over it, you're not the last woman on earth, he's just been led on to believe the feelings are mutual..If he is stalking, clinging or becoming as problematic as you state, get a restraining order.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months.

I just don't feel a passion or a spark, I don't feel excitement

 

I have tried to break up with him before but he just buys me gifts and says lovely things when he senses something is wrong.

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What the others are saying.

 

The ultimate show of respect and kindness is honesty, while trying to be "gentle," even with the best of intentions, can quickly veer toward dishonesty and disrespect. And thinking someone will be "destroyed forever" by us leaving them is, in the end, pretty selfish and always false.

 

He is a grownup with a precious heart. Treat him as one. He will be hurt, he will survive, and, just like you, he ultimately deserves to be with someone more fitting than the person he is with right now.

 

So simply tell him how you feel and that it's over. Then you both grieve, separately, however you each need to.

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First, he isn't a nice guy. He is a rather creepy guy who is manipulating with you with gifts and emotional guilt tripping into being with him. Huge, massive, red flag.

 

Second, don't flatter yourself with this idea that you are jut so amazing that he will just die without you. He was fine before he met you and he'll be just fine going forward. Don't worry, he'll find someone else soon enough.

 

Third, don't let him down gently. This is a case where you need to be brutally blunt. Dump him and be direct about it. No promises, no hope, no let's just be friends. All that stuff is cruel. Dump him, tell him it's not working for you, it's over. Then block and delete. Don't be surprised if he goes nuts and creates new accounts to reach you and do.not.be.flattered.by.that. That's not a sign of caring, that's a sign of psycho. Get away, stay away.

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First, he isn't a nice guy. He is a rather creepy guy who is manipulating with you with gifts and emotional guilt tripping into being with him. Huge, massive, red flag.

 

 

- Bingo. The guy is not listening to his gut and what you are saying - he's only listening to his high interest level. He's a bit of a stalker. Cut contact as quickly as possible.

 

If he really was a sharp guy, he would have sensed you were not into him after a date or two, and he would have said, "Let's just be friends".

 

That said, you should have also recognized it sooner. You have been leading him on.

 

You have to learn to communicate with people. Sometimes you just have to blurt things out:

 

- What is your number?

 

- Let's go on a date!

 

- Do you want to go into the bedroom?

 

- Let's just be friends

 

There is some rejection involved in dating, it goes with the territory.

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I would say to him over the phone "I've really enjoyed getting to know you and it would be unfair of me to keep seeing you because I just don't see potential for a romantic relationship." That's all -no huge back story or how it's you, etc because that will just give him wiggle room and hope -he will interpret any more words as hope.

 

I did this after two dates with someone who was like the guy you describe -way way too full on - I said this to him basically - almost those words and that short. I also added "I don't want to see you again because you travel far to see me and it wouldn't be right of me." He thanked me profusely. This was at 9pm on a Sunday night about 3 hours after our date ended. Starting at about 9am the next morning he started emailing me about every half hour increasingly angry about how I had led him on (by talking to him on the phone a lot in between dates, by inviting him to my apartment -which I did because he had to put the ice cream cake he broght me in the fridge then wanted to have some after the date -I'm supposed to say no to that when he bought it?), and etc. I did not engage him in responses and at some point I replied 'please do not contact me anymore". The next email contained a profuse apology and he wanted to be friends. I did not respond. A few hours after that an ex who I'd been in touch with the last couple of weeks since we wanted to meet just to catch up after a long time called and said he all of a sudden was free that night - could I do dinner? I was relieved -dinner with someone where I wouldn't have to be on a date/talk about my dating life. We've now been married 10 years.

 

So moral of the story is - yes, after this amount of time no ghosting allowed unless he is acting in a scary way now, keep it short and sweet and be prepared to be bombarded with calls/texts/messages - that's what blocking is for. Good luck.

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Breaking up with someone is rarely easy, but often necessary.

 

Focus on the idea that if the roles were reversed, would you want some guy only being with you because he pitied you and was too afraid to tell you the truth?

 

Even though it doesn't feel good, I would want to know. I think you would too.

 

Free this guy up so he can find someone who's crazy about him.

That's the kindest thing to do.

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Nope, this is a normal occurrence. Men who are nice, generous, honest and open are thrown to the side all the time. Unless a man is dating 3 women at once, is passive aggressive and plays hard to get, nothing good will come out of it for him. Nothing to feel guilty about, it's the new norm.

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Since he refuses to take a hint and get your message, it is time for you to be firm yet gentle. I agree with others, stop accepting gifts. Apparently, he can't take 'no' for an answer. Be honest, tell the truth and even if it will hurt him, you need to get it over and done with.

 

No one in their right mind enjoys rejection, however, he needs to accept the end of this relationship and truly move on.

 

No, you're not a terrible person for doing this.

 

If he continues to pay attention to you relentlessly, you'll have to block him on your cell phone. Sever all contact permanently.

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There is no judge or jury in your love life. Nobody else is living for you, so nobody else gets a vote. Most people are simply NOT our match, no matter how terrific they may be. We are not obligated to form a partnership with a wrong match--we don't 'owe' that to anyone.

 

Credit the guy with the ability to bounce back regardless of how dependent he has manipulated you into viewing him. That alone is a huge red flag. Consider this as growth experience for both of you, and with growth there is usually pain.

 

I'd avoid waiting until after another date, but rather I'd meet him in a public place--for coffee at a counter or a drink in a bar. Have a friend or family member wait for you outside. Before ordering anything, tell him that you think he's a great guy, but this relationship isn't working for you, and you want to part ways. Give him back any expensive gifts, and when he presses you for a reason, say that he's done nothing wrong, but you feel too much pressure to be the primary focus of his life.

 

Then stop talking. Let him say whatever he wants to say after that, and then just repeat that you feel too much pressure to be the primary focus of his life, and you're going now. If he tries to stop you, tell him that (friend or family member) is waiting for you outside, and you won't be staying. Then walk away.

 

Having someone wait for you is a safety measure and it buys you an exit without permitting the guy to keep you beyond what you need to say.

 

If you believe that this guy could become too emotionally unstable for an in-person convo, do it by phone, and mail the gift back to him.

 

Be brave, and do the right thing quickly.

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