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I Am Not Meant To Be In A Relationship


katrina1980

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Hey guys, apologies for burdening you all again with my issues, but after much thought, I finally realize I am not meant to be in a relationship.

 

Oh I am capable of deep love that’s not the issue. I just think I am too selfish, I need too much time on my own to pursue my own dreams, my own interests, my own goals.

 

I know many of you believe that if you truly love someone, you should compromise on your dreams, or even give up altogether, and there was a time I might have even agreed, but I don’t anymore.

 

What’s happening currently is that I have decided to go to law school. I just registered for the LSAT (Law School Admission Test) being given in September. Right now I am in the process of obtaining all my transcripts, letters of recommendation etc for when I start applying to law schools.

 

At first my bf was happy, fully supportive until he found out I was dead serious. I am not sure what he was thinking before I registered, that I wasn’t serious? Just another dream, a frivolous pursuit.

 

He did the same thing re the contract job I was considering accepting in London. At first, he was all for it! Fully supportive. Till I actually went over there to learn more about it at which point he pulled back and withdrew, realizing I was serious about it. As it turned out, it wouldn’t have been the right fit for me, so I declined the final offer. After that, he was back to being happy, attentive, etc and we patched it up.

 

Anyway, this post was not meant to criticize him so much, he wants what he wants, he needs what he needs. So do I! So I can't really fault him for what he wants and needs, now can I.

 

And apparently it’s not a girlfriend whose goals don’t coincide with his need to have me “there” whenever he needs me there. And I DO NOT like this “withdrawing” act that he pulls. I realize this is his way of coping, but still, it’s not something I wish to deal with anymore.

 

My ex was the same.

 

So perhaps I am growing out of this phase of being attracted to dominant men. I don’t know but at this point, don’t actually care.

 

Per my previous thread I have my heart set on becoming a criminal defense attorney specializing in representing the innocent, preventing the injustice done to them by a totally corrupt system whereby prosecutors will lie, harass, abuse in order to secure a confession, even a false one if necessary. And to ultimately secure a conviction, even when they KNOW the person to be innocent.

 

I am being perfectly serious when I say this - I happen to know what goes on in our City’s District Attorney’s office, which have many assistant D.A.’s fleeing to work on the defense side.

 

Anyway, I am so excited about this! But also sad because I realize it will mean the end of my relationship. But I have weighed the two and concluded becoming an attorney means more.

 

Lately, I have been waking up in the middle of the night, shaking, feeling extremely anxious. I even cried last night. I didn’t know why until I finally realized I am simply not cut out to be in a serious committed relationship, and I think this is OKAY. At least for me, right now.

 

Perhaps I will change my mind, not ruling it out, but for now I feel comfort in this decision and pursuing my goal. It will be a difficult three years because I plan to work too, at night.

 

But I am totally up for it!

 

Anyway, not looking for any advice per se, or even approval, just wanted to update y’all who have been following my threads.

 

If you want to chime in with thoughts, that's cool too.

 

Thanks for listening!

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I am so excited for you!! You would be the perfect lawyer.

 

Honestly, I don't think it's you who's not cut out for a relationship, it's your boyfriend. He's not secure enough in himself to allow you to follow your dreams and support and love you just the same.

 

It might be partially as well that you won't have time to commit to a relationship right now what with school and pursuing your goals...and that's OKAY.

 

Your chance to make a life right now in doing what you want to be doing for a career is now. You would regret it if you didn't go for it.

 

I think it's fantastic and I am sincerely excited for you. A relationship is nice too, of course, but right now it just doesn't sound like the right time.

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I am so excited for you!! You would be the perfect lawyer.

 

Honestly, I don't think it's you who's not cut out for a relationship, it's your boyfriend. He's not secure enough in himself to allow you to follow your dreams and support and love you just the same.

 

It might be partially as well that you won't have time to commit to a relationship right now what with school and pursuing your goals...and that's OKAY.

 

You're chance to make a life right now in doing what you want to be doing for a career is now. You would regret it if you didn't go for it.

 

I think it's fantastic and I am sincerely excited for you. A relationship is nice too, of course, but right now it just doesn't sound like the right time.

 

OMG, thank you for saying this Sherry! It means so much to have that support ((HUGS)!

 

Frankly I wasn't sure what the response would be and there still may be some who will criticize me for this decision, which is okay too.

 

Thank you again my friend. :)))

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What exactly does this "withdrawing act" entail?

 

Not wanting to see me or speak with me.

 

Like I said, perhaps he just needs the space or perhaps he's pissed off, or temporarily lost interest, who knows.

 

It's become a pattern whenever I make a decision about my life he doesn't agree with.

 

This thread isn't really about him though, it's about me and my conclusion that I am not meant to be in a relationship, at least not at this time.

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First off: Congrats on law school! What an awesome thing to be pursuing—and, from past threads, certainly sounds like the right path.

 

As for the other stuff? You'll navigate it all as you need to, but I don't see any reason to see this as evidence that you're not "meant to be in a relationship." Perhaps not the relationship you're currently in, as it sounds like there are more reasons than this to at least entertain the notion that you two might not be compatible.

 

Most of my friends, men and women, are aggressive, uncompromising chasers of dreams—a few of them in the world of law, as it happens. And most of them have partners, so whimsy and ambition are hardly impediments to relationships. Heck, speaking for myself I need both in a woman.

 

Anyhow, I'm really happy for you, is the point. You deserve whatever it is that gives you goosebumps—and a person alongside you who gets that and who gets as excited about your own goosebumps as the ones you give him.

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Thanks bc, you could be right. And like I said, it could also be I have grown, evolved and simply no longer interested in the type of men I have been previously -- the more dominant types, like my current and my ex and even men in between and prior to.

 

That is possible too. I need a different type of man. But for now, after I end my relationship, which I am NOT looking forward to, I plan to not date and focus only on my goal. Studying hard, and becoming the best lawyer I can be.

 

Anyway, thank you for your support! :)

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Support is a fluid thing. It is almost never 100% 24/7. People have to process.

 

I realize that S, what troubles me is that he's fully supportive, or pretends to be, but then when he realizes I am serious, he withdraws his support - in fact he withdraws his whole self!

 

This isn't right, I used to overlook it, but it appears I am changing, and this type of (give support/take it away) is not something I want in my life anymore.

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I think you're perfectly capable of being in a relationship, but not right now, and probably not with him. You have a lot on your plate, and your future is going to be hectic and demanding, so it's probably a good idea to concentrate on your career.

 

It's not his fault that he wants you by his side and he pouts when you talk about leaving for greener fields; however, it's not what you want, and I think your upcoming life wouldn't be a good fit for him. I'm sure it will be hard on you both to end it.

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I know many of you believe that if you truly love someone, you should compromise on your dreams, or even give up altogether, and there was a time I might have even agreed, but I don’t anymore.

 

If you truly love someone, you will help them to achieve their dreams in whatever way you can. My boss is married to a lawyer. He's a pretty high up manager at a tech company and she still makes more money than him. But they are both achieving their dreams, side by side, hand in hand.

 

You sound very ambitious - good luck on your next chapter. You've totally got this.

 

I've got to say, your dream of defending the innocent from within a corrupt system is very *chef's kiss*. I hope it works out!

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If you truly love someone, you will help them to achieve their dreams in whatever way you can. My boss is married to a lawyer. He's a pretty high up manager at a tech company and she still makes more money than him. But they are both achieving their dreams, side by side, hand in hand.

 

You sound very ambitious - good luck on your next chapter. You've totally got this.

 

I've got to say, your dream of defending the innocent from within a corrupt system is very *chef's kiss*. I hope it works out!

 

I agree and thanks saluk. Yeah I've become pretty ambitious especially in wanting to help defend the innocent from a corrupt system.

 

I would also like to become a part of The Innocence Project someday but heck I am totally getting ahead of myself.

 

First things first. LSAT, then getting into a reputable law school, working hard, getting good grades and then finding a good job!

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Thanks bc, you could be right. And like I said, it could also be I have grown, evolved and simply no longer interested in the type of men I have been previously -- the more dominant types, like my current and my ex and even men in between and prior to.

 

That is possible too. I need a different type of man. But for now, after I end my relationship, which I am NOT looking forward to, I plan to not date and focus only on my goal. Studying hard, and becoming the best lawyer I can be.

 

Anyway, thank you for your support! :)

There could be a lot to this.

 

Granted you and I aren't lunch buddies or anything for me to have sufficiently picked at your mind, but from what I gather in your posts, you kinda like the idea of this unicorn of a new-age old-fashioned man willing to be assertive and take the lead in all the right ways while respecting you having your hands on the reins on matters such as your professional development when it could and would heavily impact your relationship dynamic. In reality, if you're completely serious about a guy who's 100% on-board with you making bold and committed moves to advance your career and making it a sustained focal point of your life, you're kinda gonna need just a pinch of that cliche rom-com guy who's already home in his sweatpants already unwound and making dinner when the struggling professional lady comes home late from her job.

 

Obviously that doesn't mean you gotta settle for the part-time substitute teacher who wears thick-brimmed glasses and has a good heart but who's going to complain you're not "spontaneous" enough for him. But it may be worth it in your dating process, even if the guy likes or prefers to take the lead, to interject with your own influence and see how positively he reacts or goes with it. And preferably sooner than later. Is he self-conscious about you paying for half the bill on the first date? Or playing it more conservatively, does he reject or get put off by you following through on your offer to get him back on the second date? So long as you're being reasonable in keeping his tastes and interests in mind, how does he respond to your suggestions of a restaurant or movie? Basically, how does he respond to you being an equal? I get and fully sympathize that it's not as sexy, and you obviously don't wanna be that "I have a job too, you know" chick when the guy's just trying to be nice with the bill. But I think it's important for women now more than ever, and especially for those who are very career-minded, to consider it an audition both for romance and partnership.

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I’m so excited for you Kat! I love that you have a goal and are going after it. Also, from lurking here and reading all of your responses, I think you’re going to be a fantastic lawyer.

 

It’s always a mystery to me how some people (friends, family, partners) can be so supportive of something until it’s actually “real” and in front of them. I’ve dealt with it a lot in various large decisions I’ve made and I commend that you are able to recognize what you need and where you’re at at this point in your life!

 

I echo what everyone else has said, I think you are 100% cut out to be in a relationship. You need someone who is secure enough to rally for you and give you support through big decisions like this.

 

Congratulations on this journey! [emoji5]

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There could be a lot to this.

 

Granted you and I aren't lunch buddies or anything for me to have sufficiently picked at your mind, but from what I gather in your posts, you kinda like the idea of this unicorn of a new-age old-fashioned man willing to be assertive and take the lead in all the right ways while respecting you having your hands on the reins on matters such as your professional development when it could and would heavily impact your relationship dynamic. In reality, if you're completely serious about a guy who's 100% on-board with you making bold and committed moves to advance your career and making it a sustained focal point of your life, you're kinda gonna need just a pinch of that cliche rom-com guy who's already home in his sweatpants already unwound and making dinner when the struggling professional lady comes home late from her job.

 

Obviously that doesn't mean you gotta settle for the part-time substitute teacher who wears thick-brimmed glasses and has a good heart but who's going to complain you're not "spontaneous" enough for him. But it may be worth it in your dating process, even if the guy likes or prefers to take the lead, to interject with your own influence and see how positively he reacts or goes with it. And preferably sooner than later. Is he self-conscious about you paying for half the bill on the first date? Or playing it more conservatively, does he reject or get put off by you following through on your offer to get him back on the second date? So long as you're being reasonable in keeping his tastes and interests in mind, how does he respond to your suggestions of a restaurant or movie? Basically, how does he respond to you being an equal? I get and fully sympathize that it's not as sexy, and you obviously don't wanna be that "I have a job too, you know" chick when the guy's just trying to be nice with the bill. But I think it's important for women now more than ever, and especially for those who are very career-minded, to consider it an audition both for romance and partnership.

 

Thanks for your response j.man but perhaps you missed the title of this thread and its premise.

 

I am not looking for any type of man right now, not the "guy who's 100% on-board with me making bold and committed moves to advance my career and making it a sustained focal point of my life," or a guy who can accept me as his equal, or any type of man.

 

I am content with the notion that I am not meant to be in any relationship at all, at least not right now, nor do I want to be.

 

I am 100% focused on me. If that changes and I decide to pursue a relationship later, after I have completed law school and found a good job, then I suspect I will discover myself becoming attracted to a different type of man, different from the type of man I have been attracted to in the past.

 

Right now I have no idea who that is, nor do I care to find out, which is okay too. My life isn't wrapped up with finding a man, now, or possibly ever.

 

I realize that may sound odd to some, especially men, but it's truly how I feel.

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I’m so excited for you Kat! I love that you have a goal and are going after it. Also, from lurking here and reading all of your responses, I think you’re going to be a fantastic lawyer.

 

It’s always a mystery to me how some people (friends, family, partners) can be so supportive of something until it’s actually “real” and in front of them. I’ve dealt with it a lot in various large decisions I’ve made and I commend that you are able to recognize what you need and where you’re at at this point in your life!

 

I echo what everyone else has said, I think you are 100% cut out to be in a relationship. You need someone who is secure enough to rally for you and give you support through big decisions like this.

 

Congratulations on this journey! [emoji5]

 

To the extent that she would get what she wants he supports it. To the extent that what she wants interferes with what he wants, he doesn't. There is often a disconnect between these two desires, at least until that interference is actually imminent.

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To the extent that she would get what she wants he supports it. To the extent that what she wants interferes with what he wants, he doesn't. There is often a disconnect between these two desires, at least until that interference is actually imminent.

 

Thanks saluk, this makes a lot of sense!

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My thoughts are: I think you can and will be in a relationship in the future with the right man who knows how to have a fair, respectful and unselfish relationship with you.

 

You've been in relationships with the wrong type of men.

 

As you broaden your horizons and social circle, you will meet a new crop of men who differ from your exes.

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Whenever we make a life change, especially a significant and wonderful one like going to Law School, we may unwittingly violate the unwritten 'contracts' we have with other people. Often these only become apparent when one person in a relationship goes through a period of personal growth; this is why many couples break up when one person goes into therapy.

 

When I say 'unwritten contracts' I mean the assumptions people have about their role, and the other person's role in the relationship. If your dominant man hasn't got the cojones to cope with a strong woman, and that's what you're becoming, he will try to control you in all sorts of direct and indirect ways to maintain the status quo. The passive-aggressive pulling away is part of this. By trying to better yourself, you are not behaving in the way he wants you to behave, and that will feel threatening to him. I have a very dear friend who wants a 'strong man who'll do all the driving and look after everything', and then wonders why all her partners turn out to be massive control freaks!

 

If I were you, I'd amend the title of your thread to 'I Am Not Meant To Be In A Relationship with A Spoilt Little Boy Who Will Sulk and Pout When I Intend to Gain a Professional Qualification'. To be honest, if you're going to be working hard at your studies, relationships are likely to take a bit of a back seat anyway - and there's nothing wrong with that!

 

Once you're qualified, you are likely to be attractive to a totally different kind of man. You, and your relationships, will not stay the same. Just trust to your own process, your own growth - and all the veryveryvery best with your course!

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It kinda fits in with your recent anxiety and almost wondering what was wrong with you lately.

 

I recall you wanting to make an appointment to see the doctor and a tiny bit of spiraling . .or maybe twirling is a bit kinder way to say it.

 

Instead you are on the road to somewhere but admitting to it and gaining something means you would likely have to give something up. You weren't even able to see it at the time and not easy decisions by all means. But now the clouds have cleared and there was never anything `wrong' with K.

 

I love nutbrownhairs analogy of unwritten contracts. It's one for the books.

 

I agree with others. You do you for a little while and my guess is you'll find someone better suited, when you are ready.

 

In the meantime, congrats!! You'll be an amazing lawyer K! Head high.

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If it was just this recent decision to go to law school that's put him in a different state, then I'd just write it off as a one-off. As in, perhaps you caught him off guard, and he doesn't know how to handle it yet.

 

But it happened with your discussion about London.

 

With London, I understood his feelings more, because it would entail a very long distance physical move.

 

But what does your wanting to go to law school have to do with your relationship to him? That's what I'm having a hard time understanding. Maybe he thinks you're going to law school in a different city, a different state?

 

In any event, I don't think it's that you're not ready for a relationship, but rather, that if you're in a relationship, you'd want it with someone who supports you, who champions you, who's there for you to cheer you on and support you through difficulties.

 

Seems like your BF is happy when you fit into his bubble, his happy place where things go according to this plan, that direction. Law school? Not in the bubble. London? Not even close to the bubble. And when you even look outside the bubble, he turns away.

 

He may be looking for a lot of stability, someone who wants exactly the same type of life he wants, living in this place, doing these things, making these plans together. You may be too much of a free spirit for him.

 

You've spoken of how wonderful he is, and I believe that he is, but that may be for someone else. You may both be two wonderful puzzle pieces who just do not fit together, and there is no sin or shame in that. I was married like that once, and it just never felt right.

 

Girl, you do you. LSATs, working for this criminal defense attorney, law school, London, or whatever else comes up for you.

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Seems like your BF is happy when you fit into his bubble, his happy place where things go according to this plan, that direction. Law school? Not in the bubble. London? Not even close to the bubble. And when you even look outside the bubble, he turns away.

 

He may be looking for a lot of stability, someone who wants exactly the same type of life he wants, living in this place, doing these things, making these plans together. You may be too much of a free spirit for him.

 

You've spoken of how wonderful he is, and I believe that he is, but that may be for someone else. You may both be two wonderful puzzle pieces who just do not fit together, and there is no sin or shame in that. I was married like that once, and it just never felt right.

 

 

I think you pretty much nailed it! Thank you! :D

 

Oh and I thought nutbrown's post was awesome too; actually everyone had something of value to say and I appreciate all who chimed in!

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There could be a lot to this.

 

Granted you and I aren't lunch buddies or anything for me to have sufficiently picked at your mind, but from what I gather in your posts, you kinda like the idea of this unicorn of a new-age old-fashioned man willing to be assertive and take the lead in all the right ways while respecting you having your hands on the reins on matters such as your professional development when it could and would heavily impact your relationship dynamic. In reality, if you're completely serious about a guy who's 100% on-board with you making bold and committed moves to advance your career and making it a sustained focal point of your life, you're kinda gonna need just a pinch of that cliche rom-com guy who's already home in his sweatpants already unwound and making dinner when the struggling professional lady comes home late from her job.

 

Obviously that doesn't mean you gotta settle for the part-time substitute teacher who wears thick-brimmed glasses and has a good heart but who's going to complain you're not "spontaneous" enough for him. But it may be worth it in your dating process, even if the guy likes or prefers to take the lead, to interject with your own influence and see how positively he reacts or goes with it. And preferably sooner than later. Is he self-conscious about you paying for half the bill on the first date? Or playing it more conservatively, does he reject or get put off by you following through on your offer to get him back on the second date? So long as you're being reasonable in keeping his tastes and interests in mind, how does he respond to your suggestions of a restaurant or movie? Basically, how does he respond to you being an equal? I get and fully sympathize that it's not as sexy, and you obviously don't wanna be that "I have a job too, you know" chick when the guy's just trying to be nice with the bill. But I think it's important for women now more than ever, and especially for those who are very career-minded, to consider it an audition both for romance and partnership.

 

Is this really a man who doesn’t view her as an equal though?

 

I’m going to be honest, if I’m talking about marriage and children with a guy and he’s also discussing that then one day he’s like I want to move to London, completely on his own not taking my feelings into account and then I want

To change careers again no discussion just get out the way... Id pull back too.

 

I think most would.

 

Free spirit isn’t an excuse to just bulldoze him and his feelings.

 

And honestly you bashing him every time you get mad then poof everything’s fine isn’t cool either.

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