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Just want an opinion


skysurfer

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Ok, I have posted on here a couple of times before. This post is more or less a question. Again, the both of us were middle aged. So, here goes short story before the question. The woman whom I was with had been married for 37 years. She married him when she was 23 - the man was 40 with 3 kids. From what little I knew, he wasn't the nicest and they fought a lot. They both went back to school and became psychologists and had their own private practice. Her 'husband' liked the secretary. My GF I guess found a love letter. And the guy did other ty things. Ok, she tells me she had thought about leaving him. Then. They go snow skiing, the guy falls - breaks his neck and became a quadriplegic. So, for 16 years, my GF or whatever she is now, took care of this man. Caregiver/nurses him. In summer 2014 he dies. Jan 2016 her and I met. From day one, she seemed to be kinda like stand offish/secretive. As time went on, I felt that she just wasn't there. My sister, who is an outsider said it perfectly. - The GF kept me at an arms length distant as to say I don't you any closer. Once she blurted out "I am so angry at my husband" - first time I'd heard it. I just felt I just didn't know this woman. I don't know why. She wouldn't tell me how much $ she made, intimate details about her life was very, very little. She never showed me pictures of her when she was young. Just kinda the "arm distant length" away.

 

I actually had told her a few times that I thought she needed therapy herself. Keep in mind, she was psychologist. During arguments, she seemed to make me feel it was all me, and nothing with her. So, question. in an opinion do you think this woman still had anger/emotional bonds with deceased husband?

 

I swear, I am going to start interviewing my dates like a job interview LOL! Are you really over the ex/deceased. How long has it been. Cause, I couldn't take the pain of the break up. I said numerous times I wanted us to seek counseling. We went to one, but the guy wasn't worth a . I about begged her to find another, But, we didn't. Also, I am not here to say I don't have issues, because I do and man enough to admit it.

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You cannot change her, but you can change yourself. Why not focus on your issues- staying with a woman who was emotionally unavailable for three years.

 

You need to be single for at least one year, so that you will be in a healthier place. You have a lot of anger towards this woman- not over her- and this is not fair to put this on another woman. Don't use others as a rebound to feed you ego and to move on from the ex.

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So, question. in an opinion do you think this woman still had anger/emotional bonds with deceased husband?

 

Yes. She said so herself that she was angry with him.

 

That doesn't mean the demise of your relationship was all down to this, though. No doubt she has some confusing feelings about her late husband, but the signs were there for you that this wasn't the match you'd hoped for. You said she always kept you at arm's length and seemed evasive. That might be very true. But rather than try to push harder for your relationship to work, through counseling and the like, you could have conceded that she just didn't want what you wanted and parted ways. I know you were very invested but it doesn't appear to have been mutual; I would instead ask yourself why you stayed so long, knowing she wasn't on the same page as you.

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HollyJ,

 

Yea, somewhat true. I should have figured it out and saved myself the grief. As far as focusing on me - you bet I am. Not angry at this woman, but hurt - yep. And, I am not even thinking about jumping in to anything. Nope, Nada, oh hell f*7ing no.

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She wouldn't tell me how much $ she made, intimate details about her life was very, very little.

 

Its none of your business now much she makes unless you are both to the point of contemplating marriage. Not everyone has photos of themselves when they were kids or really is big on showing them off. I don't think my guy saw a childhood photo of me until 5 years into the relationship and it was quite by happenstance - we were over at my grandparents house and grandma was looking through pictures. I personally, am not an oversharer

 

Honestly, telling someone "you need therapy" is a sure way to end a relationship.

 

Either you want to be with her or not. You take her at face value. You either enjoy spending time with her or you don't. If you don't break up, but don't expect her to be someone she isn't

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You seem a bit emotional about her past, SS. I think, as individuals, it's normal to want to find out about our partners' histories. I don't think it's normal however to fixate on them or use them as reasons for dysfunctions in a person's total behaviour exclusively without looking at your own relationship with her(your hand and your role in the failure of the relationship or trust issues) or her as an entire person.

 

The big picture is that she did not measure up to your ideal of a long term partner. That's all that matters and, in the end, you have to trust that this was not a relationship that was meant to last. Leave it at that and don't go too deep into matters that no longer have anything to do with you.

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Well, after 2 years i think we'd be talking about things like this (money) - I told how much I make, even when I was a contractor. I found it strange after the first year even she did not show me pictures. But, she really wanted to see mine which I gladly did. Telling someone they need therapy. Yes you do if you care about them. But only they can do it. I know someone married to woman who is bipolar and she goes nuts on him. He tells her she needs it all the time. But, you cannot make any one do anything. I only control myself. And yes, I did enjoy being with her. But now, it's over and I am moving on, slowly. She was truly emotionally detached to me. Remember, this woman stayed with this man for 37 years, the last 16 were her taking care of this guy. She had NO intamcy at all for 17, 18 years. So, she got it from me. But, the "I love you" was a little meaningless because of the arms length distant. Even other people saw it.

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Just to be clear. Thank you everyone for your honest answers. I truly thought she was the 'one'. She truly a wonderful woman who I loved very much. I just believe she was not in a good place in her life to be in a committed relationship with me. Before I met her, I was married and went through divorce. The divorce wasn't bad, the events leading up to it were. So, it took me 4 years before I met her. She'd been a widow for less than 2. I do think she simply was not ready. She called me "Bob" a lot. The husbands name. Ladies, I don't think you'd dig it if your partner/boyfriend called you his last one often would you. And to abitborken, yes it was my business about the money. We lived together and I was paying half of the mortgage each month for a $500,000 house which technically was not mine.

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I'd say, after everything, it might be best to learn from the experience and turn on more filters when dating. It doesn't mean you have to be resentful or bitter, just more aware. When each relationship ends, there is a silver lining. That silver lining are the lessons we should learn from them even if it means acknowledging our own shortcomings. The beauty of relationships is that it teaches us a lot about ourselves. We don't have any power over others but it can teach us a lot about ourselves and give us more direction in where we want to go or the people we hope to be.

 

I can only suggest in future not to move in with someone until you know them very well. Just as she might not have been ready to date, you should have picked up on those signs or given each other enough time to see those signs. You shouldn't keep going over her past or what type of person she was. It's counterproductive replaying injustices towards you. You already know deep down what her shortcomings were. The focus now should be on you and rebuilding your life. I feel like you've allowed the failure of this relationship to add to the failure or ending of your previous marriage. This is not an indication of your character entirely. Don't allow it to be. Keep growing.

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HollyJ,

 

Yea, somewhat true. I should have figured it out and saved myself the grief. As far as focusing on me - you bet I am. Not angry at this woman, but hurt - yep. And, I am not even thinking about jumping in to anything. Nope, Nada, oh hell f*7ing no.

 

Good.

 

I am serious about you focusing on someone who was emotionally unavailable for three long years. Address your own emotional unavailability-you would not have stayed with this woman if you wanted a heathy relationship..

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So, question. in an opinion do you think this woman still had anger/emotional bonds with deceased husband?

 

Of course she had emotional bonds, they were together for 37 years.

 

Telling someone they need therapy. Yes you do if you care about them

 

IMO if you care about someone you don't dismiss how they are feeling by telling them they need therapy. Sure you can gently suggest it if she is actually open to hearing it after you have provided a supportive and safe space for her to express how she feels... but then you need to let it go.

 

It sounds like she was pretty shut down and withdrawn after having gone through all of the stress of having to be a caregiver and perhaps wasn't ready for the kind of relationship you wanted when you guys met. I am not sure I would gauge the level of intimacy by whether my SO shares their financial info with me or whether I had seen pictures of them when they were little, I go by how far they let me in when it comes to their emotions and feelings.

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I'd say, after everything, it might be best to learn from the experience and turn on more filters when dating. It doesn't mean you have to be resentful or bitter, just more aware. When each relationship ends, there is a silver lining. That silver lining are the lessons we should learn from them even if it means acknowledging our own shortcomings. The beauty of relationships is that it teaches us a lot about ourselves. We don't have any power over others but it can teach us a lot about ourselves and give us more direction in where we want to go or the people we hope to be.

 

I can only suggest in future not to move in with someone until you know them very well. Just as she might not have been ready to date, you should have picked up on those signs or given each other enough time to see those signs. You shouldn't keep going over her past or what type of person she was. It's counterproductive replaying injustices towards you. You already know deep down what her shortcomings were. The focus now should be on you and rebuilding your life. I feel like you've allowed the failure of this relationship to add to the failure or ending of your previous marriage. This is not an indication of your character entirely. Don't allow it to be. Keep growing.

 

Yep. I agree. Not sure how old a lot of people are on this site. But, I will say this. Dating/relationships suck after 50. And I am 56. Not real fun to date to be honest. Why you see so many "older" dudes at neighborhood bars. Talk to them, they'll all say "Nope, it sucks."

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Yep. I agree. Not sure how old a lot of people are on this site. But, I will say this. Dating/relationships suck after 50. And I am 56. Not real fun to date to be honest. Why you see so many "older" dudes at neighborhood bars. Talk to them, they'll all say "Nope, it sucks."

 

It is not easy for women, either.

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When someone tells you "i love you", especially if the person is not an open book, its very troubling that someone has to analyze it as "meaningless" It probably took her a little longer to feel it and when she did, it was genuine. There are people that do not gush. She says "i love you" by having you live with her, and in other ways surely.

 

Just to be clear. Thank you everyone for your honest answers. I truly thought she was the 'one'. She truly a wonderful woman who I loved very much. I just believe she was not in a good place in her life to be in a committed relationship with me. Before I met her, I was married and went through divorce. The divorce wasn't bad, the events leading up to it were. So, it took me 4 years before I met her. She'd been a widow for less than 2. I do think she simply was not ready. She called me "Bob" a lot. The husbands name. Ladies, I don't think you'd dig it if your partner/boyfriend called you his last one often would you. And to abitborken, yes it was my business about the money. We lived together and I was paying half of the mortgage each month for a $500,000 house which technically was not mine.

 

Its still not your business as long as she is paying the agreed to bills with no delay. There was no talk of marriage - just living together.

 

If you agreed to paying half the mortgage for rent, you agreed to paying half the mortgage as rent. You cannot resent her for what you agreed to. You could have gone in on different terms -- offered the terms of "i will take over these utility bills" If you did not keep a separate residence -- even if you rented it out, etc, - that's your decision. If you were renting a condo or had a male roommate - you would be paying half, as well.

 

Also, if you are paying half the mortgage as rent -- and she is paying half the mortgage and all the utilities, in a way that might even out to her paying the mortgage in entirety. She also pays insurance and taxes.

 

As far as the Bob thing - old habits die hard. She is very used to saying that name. It may or may not be a reflection on anything more than that

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If things were reversed and she were a man and you were a woman -- he would be looked at as an amazingly devoted husband to have cared for his late wife for 16 years while she was paralyzed, would be seen as a good provider with a successful career, etc. No one would fault a man like that for not being overly gushy and one would encourage you to not look at how gushily they say "i love you" but other factors. And they would say "wow, no ex to deal with" Just food for thought.

 

Do what you want. But keep in mind, you may find the next woman has teenagers, is juggling visits with a non-amicable ex and you complain how dramatic and emotional she is.

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If things were reversed and she were a man and you were a woman -- he would be looked at as an amazingly devoted husband to have cared for his late wife for 16 years while she was paralyzed, would be seen as a good provider with a successful career, etc. No one would fault a man like that for not being overly gushy and one would encourage you to not look at how gushily they say "i love you" but other factors. And they would say "wow, no ex to deal with" Just food for thought.

 

Do what you want. But keep in mind, you may find the next woman has teenagers, is juggling visits with a non-amicable ex and you complain how dramatic and emotional she is.

 

LOL, yep. Then again at my age, kids are gonna be grown and gone. Also, the husband actually was not very nice to her. He went and got his d*^k sucked at some house, by a male. And did this several times. She did tell me that. And the love letters he wrote to their secretary while they had a private practice. Yea, she had trust and jealousy issues. She did not like it if I casually spoke to another woman.

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If it were me? I would not want to be the third wheel to a ghost who didn't treat the lady well.

 

Co-dependency on her part with the deceased philanderer (bi at that?) is not really the kind of loyalty I find attractive.

 

Again, that's just me. I'd fade out of this relationship.

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So here we have a widow who was married for 37 years.

 

For every 5 years a person was married, it can take 1 to 1.5 years to get over the rebound period. So in this case, it could take 7 to 10 years or more for her to get over the loss of her husband and be ready to love another again.

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So here we have a widow who was married for 37 years.

 

For every 5 years a person was married, it can take 1 to 1.5 years to get over the rebound period. So in this case, it could take 7 to 10 years or more for her to get over the loss of her husband and be ready to love another again.

Add to that, he was a nasty individual and fooling around on her.

 

OP, this woman needs some serious counseling, and not only for the care taking bit.

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Most perfectly good people are just NOT our match. Grasping that allow us to allow wrong matches to pass early. Dating is supposed to be a process of screening OUT wrong matches rather than latching onto them to try to convert them into the match we want them to be. If we stick around to fall in love with wrong matches, that still won't renovate them into the right lover, so we each need to learn how to cut our losses whenever someone is best loved from far away.

 

We can use our experiences to damage ourselves and play small with the future, or we can use our experiences to build confidence in lessons learned as we apply them to new experiences IF we remain open to having those. It's a decision.

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So here we have a widow who was married for 37 years.

 

For every 5 years a person was married, it can take 1 to 1.5 years to get over the rebound period. So in this case, it could take 7 to 10 years or more for her to get over the loss of her husband and be ready to love another again.

 

There is a difference between divorce and being widowed. There are other emotions in a divorce - it is like a death - but the fact the person lives creates a different dynamic. SOmetimes the "uncoupling" of a divorce goes through periods of trying to be friends, etc etc.

 

If a spouse had been dying for a long time (cancer, etc.) sometimes the surviving spouse has processed some of their grief already and there are people that remarry 3-5 years down the road and the new spouse doesn't feel the other person is on the "rebound" but also doesn't attempt to squelch out any mention of their late husband or wife.

 

So I do not think that we should assume she should not date for 10 years. She had one foot out the door before he got hurt.

 

I know a couple who both lost their spouses - and the four were friends for many years - they married and while they have many new and wonderful years, they don't *not* talk about their late spouses. They are free to do so.

 

That is the thing -- it could be they are simply not right for eachother. He deserves to be with someone gushy about their emotions if that is what really makes him tick and she deserves to be with someone who won't feel threatened if she mentions her late spouse -

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