Dating a guy for a month, and he has started to fade as soon as we hook up

[pdxrunner]

I don't think I really rejected him. The last time we hung out we hooked up, like we started acting super coupley that night, and got kind of scared and said it was getting late and went home. I didn't want to over stay my welcome. I didn't hear from him at all when he would normally always ask me if I got home safe... he didn't actually reach out to me until nye, and it was an obligatory "happy New Years" by that point I deleted him on Snapchat, because I was pretty disappointed even though I felt like we were moving kind of fast, but I felt kind of stupid like I thought we were having fun, but maybe he wanted me to leave? Maybe I read things wrong.

 

 

We went ice skating and then got lunch. Which would've been a good time to leave, but he was like "let's get some firewood and sit by the fire" so I was like okay. Then we hooked up, and I could've left then, but he was like "let's get some dinner" and then In my head I was like okay I should leave now, but he was like "I'll start a fire for us, and we can watch a movie" he gave me his new sweatshirt to wear when I didn't even ask. But then I was like okay, I don't want to assume I should stay, so I kissed him and headed out. But I never heard from him. It kinda made me sad, but oh well. I kind of wanted to ask him what's up, but figured it would be better to leave it alone.

 

 

A few days after we last hung out I sent a picture of this cheese board and wine, because basically on every date we've had we've had cheese and wine at some point. He texted me back and was like "So much cheese!" "Looks good" I didn't text back, because I realized that was kind of weird. Then I get a text a few days later which was the obligatory "Happy New Years" text, to which I said "Thanks you, too". I deleted him on snap chat last week, because I didn't like that he could see everything I was doing. I think he realized it, and deleted me too. Yesterday I was on bumble and updated all my stuff, and then looked at his, and then today he is gone, he literally unmatched me.

 

 

 

My friend said he may have felt rejected, but I'm not sure that's true. But I have been told I appear like I'm playing hard to get, but I'm not, I'm just not a very flirty person, and I can see that when i left that night It could have come off very strange but I don't know.

[katrina1980]

I agree with your friend.

 

YOU may not think you were playing hard to get, but your behavior (from HIS perspective) indicates you were or you just weren't all that interested.

 

It is important to be cognizant of how your actions come across to others, in this case the men you date.

[gebaird]

It sounds like the whole time you were on the date you were looking for an opportunity to bolt. Perhaps he picked up on that when you made your exit.

 

Don't assume you are a burden and that the worst thing you could do is overstay your welcome. Instead, assume you are wanted and act accordingly.

[Wiseman2]

Were you dating? Fwb? What is it you want? Do your parents make you be home by a certain time?Why are you "assuming" you need to run after sex? Have you reached out to him in a meaningful way or just nonsense cheese pics?

 

He keeps trying to be nice and date and reach out but you keep blowing him off so why are you doing that and why claim any contact is "obligatory"?

 

He's probably moved on because you acted so odd an played strange 'sex and run' games refusing to date or be remotely romantic in favor of hooking up..

Then we hooked up, and I could've left then, but he was like "let's get some dinner" and then In my head I was like okay I should leave now, but he was like "I'll start a fire for us, and we can watch a movie". I don't want to assume I should stay, so I kissed him and headed out.

[pdxrunner]

I wasn't playing games, I was scared, I didn't want to get hurt. I like him.

[Wiseman2]

A surefire way to get hurt is presenting yourself a meaningless hookup and not gf material who dates and strives for a relationship.

 

Deleting him, running, sending nonsense, not responding, etc. IS playing games.

 

If you don't want to get hurt get some self-respect, learn how to date with manners and learn to communicate like a grown up.

I didn't want to get hurt. I like him.

[katrina1980]

I wasn't playing games, I was scared, I didn't want to get hurt. I like him.

 

Okay. But try seeing it from HIS perspective.

 

HE doesn't know you were *scared* or whatever!

 

In his mind, you acted like a woman who, frankly, doesn't give a ****.

 

Flip it around. How would YOU have felt if HE behaved the way you behaved?

 

Hit it and quit it.

 

Scared or not, that is precisely what you did.

[happyfrank]

Your actions show that you didn't like him. If you like a guy next time. Don't rush things and get mad so fast.

[j.man]

Sounds like you enjoy attention and being chased, and when this guy didn't play along, you invented some narrative of being "scared."

[katrina1980]

Sounds like you enjoy attention and being chased, and when this guy didn't play along, you invented some narrative of being "scared."

 

This^ and then accusing HIM of fading, when in fact YOU are the one who faded.

[Wiseman2]

No wait she bolted...lol.

in fact YOU are the one who faded.

[surfdiva]

Ok, lets break this down:

 

1) "I didn't hear from him at all when he would normally always ask me if I got home safe... he didn't actually reach out to me until nye."

Did you ever reach out to him before NYE? Why is it HIS responsibility. You could have reached out and shown interest.

2) "I didn't text back, because I realized that was kind of weird"

Well, you didn't reply to him so....

3) "I deleted him on snap chat last week"

Well, you deleted him from Snap Chat so that also shows a lack of interest on your part.

4) "Yesterday I was on bumble and updated all my stuff, and then looked at his, and then today he is gone, he literally unmatched me."

Of course he unmatched you. You didn't reach out to him, didn't reply to his text, deleted him from Snap Chat...You showed every sign of not being interested. What did you want him to do? Keep chasing after you?

[katrina1980]

 

We went ice skating and then got lunch. Which would've been a good time to leave, but he was like "let's get some firewood and sit by the fire" so I was like okay. Then we hooked up, and I could've left then, but he was like "let's get some dinner" and then In my head I was like okay I should leave now, but he was like "I'll start a fire for us, and we can watch a movie" he gave me his new sweatshirt to wear when I didn't even ask. But then I was like okay, I don't want to assume I should stay, so I kissed him and headed out. But I never heard from him. It kinda made me sad, but oh well. I kind of wanted to ask him what's up, but figured it would be better to leave it alone.

 

A few days after we last hung out I sent a picture of this cheese board and wine, because basically on every date we've had we've had cheese and wine at some point. He texted me back and was like "So much cheese!" "Looks good" I didn't text back, because I realized that was kind of weird. Then I get a text a few days later which was the obligatory "Happy New Years" text, to which I said "Thanks you, too". I deleted him on snap chat last week, because I didn't like that he could see everything I was doing. I think he realized it, and deleted me too. Yesterday I was on bumble and updated all my stuff, and then looked at his, and then today he is gone, he literally unmatched me.

 

 

OP seriously trying to help you here.

 

Re the bolded.

 

You hooked up (had sex), he wanted you to stay, built a fire, gave you his sweatshirt to wear, created a nice romantic evening for the two of you, WHY in the world did you think it was a good time to leave?

 

I can't figure this.... and sorry not buying that you were "scared." Scared of what? If you were scared of getting hurt, why did you hook up with him in the first place? This makes no sense.

 

Can you not see how wanting to leave pretty much immediately after sex would indicate to HIM that you weren't all that interested and therefore wanted to get the h*** outta there?

 

Cause that is precisely what people do when they have little to zero interest, they leave after sex.

 

Then you text him pic of wine and cheese board and he responded with what was meant to be a light joke and you interpret that as weird, and just ignored it?

 

Lastly, he wished a happy new year. Which was nice especially considering how you were blowing him off.

 

But you interpret it as an "obligatory" text? And respond back with an equally "obligatory" text.

 

As if all this isn't bad enough, then you decide to delete him from snapchat.

 

Then to top it all off you update your Bumble profile!

 

I am seriously baffled as to how you can interpret all this as HIM fading.

 

Were you, like j.man suggested, hoping he would start chasing you? You run away, he chases you.

 

Is this your typical MO?

 

If so, best of luck with that.

[ParisPaulette]

I think things got awkward, because you both had sex too fast. Then each of you sort of played the "I'm not going to flinch first," routine.

 

It's done, the whole deleting each other off social media just put the nail in it. Just learn and move on. He didn't ghost you though, you ghosted each other.

[katrina1980]

I don't think he "ghosted" her.

 

His actions were in direct response to hers, which were indicative of a woman who didn't give a ****.

 

Any self-respecting man would have responded the same way imo. And walked away.

 

Unless of course he enjoys the challenge of a difficult woman and enjoys chasing.

 

Agree they probably should have waited to have sex, but afterwards he made a real effort to connect (beyond the sex), which she rejected by insisting on leaving instead.

[JoyfulCompany]

OP, everything you describe he did that night sounds very nice, warm and respectful. I agree with what most people already told you and want to add one more thing, just a thought. Guys can be pretty insecure as it comes to sex. Did they perform well, did they do something wrong, such stuff... So, maybe in your rush to get out of there he read something that made him feel insecure and, yes, rejected. Thus you didn't get your usual message.

 

My opinion is you have a lot to think about on how your intentions and your actions may mismatch. It's a classical move to hurt the other first in order not to get hurt yourself. Classical but not in a good way.

It shouldn't be that scary and you shouldn't rely on assumptions. Also, it takes two to tango. Next time you're interested in someone don't be so passive, make sure the other person gets it. With the speed you're comfortable with, of course.

Best of luck to you!

[Chloee1988]

I am similar in relationships: I tend to sabotage things to prevent getting hurt/rejected. My fear of getting hurt overpowers common sense. But this intense and irrational fear stems from a very difficult childhood that I unfortunately endured (for another discussion). However, despite your insecurities (or perhaps in spite of them), it's always important to acknowledge that you may have hurt someone in the process of protecting yourself. Furthermore, communicating your feelings to you partner and telling him that isn't personal will definitely reassure him. Give him insight about your insecurities and work together on building instead of destroying. Relationships are never perfect and both parties will always have some baggage, and it's important to find someone who is willing to work together with you to overcome your fears.

[katrina1980]

I am similar in relationships: I tend to sabotage things to prevent getting hurt/rejected. My fear of getting hurt overpowers common sense. But this intense and irrational fear stems from a very difficult childhood that I unfortunately endured (for another discussion). However, despite your insecurities (or perhaps in spite of them), it's always important to acknowledge that you may have hurt someone in the process of protecting yourself. Furthermore, communicating your feelings to you partner and telling him that isn't personal will definitely reassure him. Give him insight about your insecurities and work together on building instead of destroying. Relationships are never perfect and both parties will always have some baggage, and it's important to find someone who is willing to work together with you to overcome your fears.

 

Hey Marci (and apologies to OP for the hijack), but just wondering, today's the day you leave for NYC to visit the guy you've been chatting with on line, right?

 

You're still going right? Not gonna sabotage it I hope!